It was only as I was standing over his open casket did I realise something was unbearably wrong.

Thousands of questions and thoughts ran through my mind but the question that stood out the most was, why? I figured that anyone else in my position would be thinking the same thing.

Why would he leave us like that? Was he that unhappy? I just couldn’t understand, no matter how hard I tried.

It made no sense.

“How did he die?” I heard an old lady whisper to the woman next to her. Obviously she already knew the answer. It was all over the papers, after all.

“I heard it was suicide… The poor family,” she replied, revelling in the small talk in the otherwise dead silence.

I had an urge to turn around and scream at them to shut up, but I had to properly conduct myself. I was the man of the house now. As I stared down at my father’s body I couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of relief. His face was serene, his shoulders weren’t hunched up and his eyebrows no longer furrowed in stress.

He was at peace.

I bit my lip in an attempt to stop my eyes from watering. I briefly wondered if there was anything that I would’ve been able to do for him, maybe I could’ve saved him if I’d known he was suffering… I just wanted him happy.

The funeral master moved forward to close the lid of the coffin, but I caught his hand before he was able to fully shut it. “Just one more minute,” I pleaded. This was the last time I was ever going to see his face and I wanted to make sure that this peaceful side of him was ingrained into my memory.

“Of course, sir,” He said, giving a ninety degree bow and backing away from the coffin.

I stared down at his body, an aching filling the inside of my chest. I reached down my right hand and placed it on his cheek. He was so, so cold.

We looked so much alike. People often told us that when they saw us standing together, it was like seeing the young version of Leeteuk. My hair was even a similar to his with my sandy blonde dyed hair. I had always disagreed in the past, thinking I looked more like my Mum because of face shape but now that I was looking at him like this… I was finally able to actually see him. I finally saw how similar we really were.

This was the last time I was ever going to see his face.

“Dad… I miss you already. You weren’t really around for me when I was younger, and I know you always felt guilty for that but Dad… It’s okay. It’s really okay, because I know you always loved me. I knew that if it were up to you, you’d always be by my side, right Dad? M-Me and Mum meant the world to you, right?” I mumbled out, my throat closing up and tears now falling from the corners of my eyes onto his black suit as he lay there peacefully.

“I never told you how much I really loved you and I r-regret that so badly. I know that I always said I didn’t believe there was a heaven but… I hope there is one, just for you. I hope it’s comfortable up there. I-I hope you never have to worry again when you’re there. I just hope… you won’t be sad anymore. Please just be happy… I love you, more than you’ll ever know.”

I wished I could’ve just seen him smile right then. I wished I could’ve held him and feel his warm arms wrap around me. But I couldn’t, and it killed me inside.

I stepped back from the coffin, tears now fully running down my face and choked sobs escaping from my lips. I felt a warm hand enter mine and I looked to my side to see my mother with tears streaking down her cheeks too.

“Thank you,” She whispered to me. I just squeezed her hand tighter, holding on because it was the only thing that could give me any support right now.

The funeral, seeing that I was done, stepped forward, ready to let the funeral move on.

“We will now lower Park Junsoo’s casket,” He announced in a loud and foreboding voice. I gripped onto my mother’s hand as the coffin lid was placed on top with a bang, shielding the view of my father. This was the last time I would ever see him. The very last time I would ever look upon his face other than pictures and videos.

The casket creaked as it was lowered into the dirt where it would forever say. I broke away from my mother’s grip and fisted a handful of dirt, throwing it onto the top of the casket when it was fully lowered into the ground.

Goodbye.

I remember when I was seven and I never understood why my mother and father were never around. Every other kid my age had their parents drop them off at school in the morning, so why didn’t I? Why was I different? I heard from the babysitter that looked after me that they loved me very much, but were just too busy to be able to look after me all the time. I didn’t understand.

Sometimes I would see them on T.V and wonder why they were there and not here with me. It wasn’t fair. They had time for everyone else, but never me.

When I turned eight, my Mother, Taeyeon, terminated her contract and came to live with me all day. I loved it. I had someone around me, finally. My Dad though… my Dad barely ever came home. Mum said that he was so busy, and didn’t have the luxury that she did to just walk away from it all. It just wasn’t possible for him. The entertainment industry was his life.

“Shin, Teukie loves you a lot, but he’s busy right now.”  I remembered that line like the back of my hand. Whenever I asked where he was, or why he couldn’t be with me, I’d always get the same answer. I hated those words.

I heard that he was sad a lot because his group that he loved couldn’t be together anymore. Sometimes when he was home, I heard him crying. I was too scared to ever ask what was wrong, so I just sat outside the door and listened. I thought that maybe by just sitting there, I could take away the bad things. Maybe I could have those feelings instead of him.

Dad’s friends were always coming over to my house. I really liked them all. They were funny but they always made so much noise. I particularly liked Donghae, Sungmin and Eunhyuk Ajusshi’s, they always made me laugh more than anyone else.

Dad said that he was sorry I couldn’t meet everyone, though. He said that one of his old members, Shindong, got married and left the country because of the publicity, and that Hankyung went back to his home country, China. He looked really sad when he said that. I only met Kibum-Ajusshi once. I can’t really remember the details, but I know that he came over, bowed on the floor and cried. I didn’t understand what was happening, but my Dad smiled at him. I thought it was really strange.

When I was growing up, I joined a dance class in school.

I’d never really tried dancing before, but I found that I really enjoyed it. Whatever heartaches or frustrations I felt, they would always go away when I danced. It made me feel free and weightless.

As I got older, I began to fully understand what my father did and why he was so busy. To the world, he was ‘Leeteuk.’

To me, he was my dorky dad that played around too much. When people in my school found out that I was his son, they all wanted to be my friend. They all just wanted an autograph, or to be close to a famous person. Because of that, I never really got close to anyone. The people who genuinely wanted to be friends with me were pushed aside by the people who just wanted popularity and attention.

To put it simply, I was lonely.

That’s when I started wanting to become and idol just like my father. I wondered what I was like to have so many people love you that you didn’t even know. Some part of me was jealous. I was jealous that all of these people just wanted to know my father, but not me. I wanted to be loved, too.

When I was sixteen, I decided I was going to audition to become a singer at S.M. When I told my Dad this though, he was so against it.

He would say, “Why would you want to do that? Don’t you realise how difficult it can be? If you just want this for fun, then stop it now.”

I always felt like it was unfair that he was so against me being an idol. He was one and he seemed to enjoy his career choice, so why couldn’t I follow in his footsteps? Of course it was going to be hard. I knew that. It wasn’t just for fun, or just for popularity, it was because I wanted to dance. I wanted to show people my talents. I wanted to make a career out of it.

Eventually, my Dad let me audition. I was beyond ecstatic.

I auditioned as soon as they auditions were open to the public and passed. I trained for four months, and let me tell you, those months were the hardest of my life. Trying to balance schoolwork with being a trainee definitely wasn’t easy at all.

But in the end, I did it. I debuted and all those hardships and difficulties were suddenly worth it. I debuted as the Maknae of a six person group, R.E.X. at sixteen.

Unfortunately, things didn’t really turn out well for me. I barely had any fans, and people hated me because they thought I was talentless. No matter how hard I tried to dance and sing my best, all I got my criticism. All our fans, the ‘Kings,’ thought I was only chosen because of my connections, not based on my talent.

Every time I tried to stand up, someone would always bring me down. I had things thrown at me on stage, hate mail on the door of our dorm and once there was even a dead rat set outside the door with my name on paper stapled to it - but that wasn’t even the worst of it. I was scared of the fans, absolutely frightening to death of them. There were so many times that I just considered leaving everything behind and giving up, but I persevered the best I could with my father in mind.

If he could do this, so could I.

As our group got more popular, there was finally less criticism towards me. It was still there, of course, but the worst of it was seemingly over. No matter how much time went on though, that scar never left me. I became much more withdrawn and sensitive, barely standing out like I used to want to. I would be quiet on television, and just be one in the background. I had been with my group for five years - I was twenty years old for god’s sake, but still…

I was too scared. 

A/N: The rest of the story isn't going to be quite this angsty - just the start. Thank you for subbing!