Listen: Fixed Star - Infinite

[A/N: Italicized paragraphs were taken from the original blog]

It was a rainy afternoon when Seohyun was sulking on her bed. It was June 12^th and the rain did not help in making her feel better. The day is almost about to end but she was hoping the night would be longer. The sun has set hours ago and the moon was hiding behind the dark, heavy clouds.

She felt depressed. Her emotions were controlling over her actions. She’s feeling so helpless. The love that she cherished for years seemed to be sailing away. When all of the options are already presented before her and the only choice is to move on after finally letting go.

But it was hard on her part.

She pulled the blanket over her. She covered herself and hugged herself like a fetus. All the good memories just kept on running inside her head.

“You’re amazing.” Hyoyeon told her back in high school. “Come on, who loves a guy for more than two years and does everything for him?”

Yuri nodded in agreement, “We’re already in third year high school, won’t you give him up?”

“I can even imagine you dating and going out with other guys.” Taeyeon told her.

Seohyun just chuckled, “When we were still freshmen, have you ever seen yourself loving one person for the rest of your life?” her eyes beamed, “I’ve seen myself loving only Luhan.”

Taeyeon patted her shoulder, “Oh, and I can see that love of yours is coming your way.” She winked at Seohyun and left with Hyoyeon and Yuri.

“Come on, let’s go out for lunch!” Luhan suddenly appeared behind her. Her lips suddenly crept up into a smile as she followed Luhan.

“I don’t eat vegetables.” Seohyun disgustingly said as Luhan’s food was served.

“Fine. Stuff your tummy with meat. Veggies are my favorite!” Luhan exclaimed while they were eating at a cheap restaurant. This was one of Luhan’s favorite hangouts.

Seohyun sighed, “We always seem to like the opposite things in the world.” She mumbled as she took a bite of her meal.

“Always?” Luhan wiped the sides of his lips after swallowing. “I don’t think so.”

Seohyun chuckled at him, “Then think of something that we have in common. Something the same about us. Nothing, right? We’re born from two different worlds.”

Luhan put down his chopsticks as if he lost appetite munching on his favorite healthy meal, “Of course there must be something that we share in common.” Seohyun looked at him. “We share the same feelings, right?”

Seohyun avoided his eyes, “Is that for real? I precisely think I’m the only one who feels this way.” she started picking on her food.

“Tell me. I’ll let you know that I’m right. We feel the same way for each other.” Luhan extended his arms and held Seohyun hand with his. That was the moment when Seohyun saw sincerity in Luhan’s eyes. For the first time in her life, she saw how deeply strong the mutual feelings are.

“I love you.” Seohyun finally said.

I told him how I felt. But he didn't even say what he feels that time. Starting that day. We talked more. We text, we talked even more. Everyday, it seems like I fall for him deeper. I really like him, but I didn't care. When I reached 2nd year, that was the time I found out that I was no longer infatuated. I was in love. I was in love with the boy i never knew I'd get attracted to. He never had any of my standards, but I was still in love with him.

The routine continued by their usual hangouts with their group of friends. She had kept their pictures together only to realize there would always be a person blocking them to be beside each other. Nevertheless, she smiled at the thought that they had a picture together. Even if someone was standing between them.

Seohyun was walking along the hallway while holding her books. She clutched them tightly to her chest as the hallway seemed to be too crowded. She was peacefully walking when somebody who was running shoved her and her books fell. She sighed, “Stupid.” She mumbled.

“Hey, you should be demanded to the discipline office. No calling me names.” It was that familiar voice again. She looked up to see Luhan bending down to help her. He fixed his backpack and helped her in picking her books.

Seohyun softly chuckled at him, “What’s with the rush?”

“I’m running late for my date.” Luhan picked up Seohyun’s last book when a paper fell from one of the pages. Seohyun’s eyes widened upon seeing the small piece of paper but Luhan’s reflexes were faster than hers. “Wow.”

Seohyun quickly took the little piece of paper, “Some things are just worth treasuring okay?” She slipped it inside her pocket.

“I didn’t know you’d see me that importantly. I mean, that’s just a paper with my note saying ‘thank you’ for the lecture in Chemistry that you let me borrow.” Luhan said as both of them straightened up.

Seohyun sighed in embarrassment, “Just go. You’re running late for your date, right?” She rolled her eyes. Luhan suddenly took one of her hands, “Hey!” Luhan started dragging him towards the gate out of the school.

“Yes, we’re running late for our date.” Luhan sweetly smiled at her and gave her a wink as he hailed a bus.

It was also in 2nd year when we started to go out together with our friends. And it was when we got closer. Just before Valentine's Day, he asked me out for a date. That day was one of the most important days in my life. It was the day he said 'may pagtingin ako sayo' It was when we became mutual. That day onwards, we started our forever.

“Hey, go online!”

“Are you busy? Let’s chat.”

“Good morning. How are you?”

These are the usual text messages that Seohyun receives from Luhan. She did not find the urge to text him back, but her heart had always told her to do so. And for that, she always followed her heart.

Luhan was having a practice with his classmates but he intended to sit in a corner and play with his hand phone. But the truth was, he was conversing with Seohyun through text…

Luhan: Will you go?

Seohyun: I don’t have my money. Besides, I might get out of place.

Luhan: I’ll treat you, come on!

Seohyun: You’re always treating me. But next time, I will treat you!

Luhan: It’s fine with me, come on.

Seohyun: Fine? What… are you courting me?! XD

Luhan: I’m just treating you, does that mean I’m courting you? I’m not yet allowed to court girls.

Seohyun: Your mom’s not yet allowing you to?

Luhan: You’re not yet allowed to have a boy friend, right?

The feelings were mutual. But they stayed good friends. For two years that Seohyun had been finding her true feelings for Luhan, she never left his side. Even if Luhan only saw her as a good friend… Seohyun loved him too much to give up.

“Have you seen Yoona?  I think her friend fixed her hair today! She’s so pretty!” Yuri told her. Of course, the entire school knows Yoona. She’s very simple yet she’s so pretty.

Of course, Seohyun knows her. Luhan admired Yoona so much.

“Watch your words, Kwon Yuri!” Hyoyeon told Yuri. “Seohyun’s hurt.”

“Actually, it’s okay, Seohyun.” Yuri put a hand over Seohyun’s shoulder, “I believe Luhan loves you. Yoona’s just his crush.”

Seohyun softly smiled. That’s when Luhan arrived at the scene like the usual routine… being together with their friends after classes.

The bus ride was awkward. They just sat side by side without saying anything. Luhan decided to break the ice by handing the fare receipt to Seohyun. “Just in case you want to add them to your treasured memories.”

“Luhan!!!” Seohyun slapped his arm lightly but Luhan already crumpled the receipt to her hands.

“Just keep it.” Luhan softly gazed at her and gave her a warm smile before looking at the window. Seohyun softened as she decided to keep the crumpled receipt inside her pocket.

It was already dark outside when the sky lit up with fireworks from a distance. “Beautiful…” Seohyun muttered while watching it from the bus.

Luhan gazed at the fireworks as well, “Does it always have to happen when I’m with you? Isn’t it strange?”

Seohyun smiled upon remembering what Luhan was talking about. The night in an amusement park when they were riding the carousel and fireworks lit the night sky as well. That was the first time they watched the fireworks together while riding the carousel like children.

“I hate you that time.” Luhan suddenly mumbled while the fireworks outside became lesser as the bus continued moving. He looked at Seohyun, “You did not ride with me at the roller coaster.”

Seohyun sheepishly looked down, “I thought it would be really awkward with just the two of us…”

“And you had the guts to rest your head on my shoulder when you fell asleep on the way home…” Luhan said.

“I did?!” Seohyun was surprised. She did not know she fell asleep that time on Luhan’s shoulder. “Well… thanks anyway.” The ride fell silent once again. They got down from the bus after a while.

When they were walking together to their village…

“Do I really have to wait longer?” Luhan suddenly asked. Seohyun stopped on her tracks and looked at him. “Third year?”

“I promise to accept suitors next school year. We’re still so young…” Seohyun said. Besides, for two years that she’d been loving Luhan, they at least got to know each other more.

Luhan sighed, “I could have courted Yoona instead.”

Seohyun was partly hurt. Was she just an option? Without any words, she resumed walking ahead of Luhan. Luhan regretted muttering those words. He silently trailed behind her when he noticed she was swinging to her side.

Seohyun was about to collapse when Luhan caught her by her waist. She looked so pale. “Seohyun, are you okay?” She nodded though she wasn’t fine. Luhan realized it was him who’s so stupid to ask such question.

He helped her walk to her home. It turns out she was dehydrated. That night while Luhan helped her, she received nothing but rants from him.

“You should drink more water. You’re always so stubborn. You don’t even like eating vegetables! What’s left in your body, huh?!” Luhan tried to argue. But that night, Seohyun just sat there, listening to his rants and lectures, because instead of arguing back.

She realized how much she loves this guy.

She finally had the strength to stand up and held his arms, “Stop it, Luhan. I’m fine now. You can go home.” Luhan just stared at her realizing how crazy he was to worry so much and argue about it.

“You sure you’re fine?” Luhan asked before heading to the door. Seohyun nodded.

“I’ll see you tomorrow at school.” She smiled and waved goodbye to Luhan who still contemplated on leaving before finally doing so.

This was the time when I can already define what love is. It is when I can't go to sleep because all I ever wanted to do is to think of different scenarios with him. It is when I can't eat just because I haven't seen him yet. It is when I just wanted to go to school just because I wanted to glance at his smile. It is when I go straight online, and wait for him to message me. It is when I started to be conscious. It is when I first started to have butterflies in my stomach. It is when I don't expect something in return.

A few weeks had passed before the school year ends.

Seohyun came to school late and was really curious to see her friends watching a video and giggling. She scooted closer to them but they hid the video from her.

“Whyyyy?!” She pouted cutely.

“If we let you watch this… don’t die.” Hyoyeon giggled once again. Seohyun rolled her eyes before Hyoyeon finally let her see the video. They returned it to the start of the video.

Seohyun watched it carefully… she was shocked to see Luhan on the video with his friends.

“Do you love Seohyun?” One of his friends asked.

“Yes.” Luhan shyly said while looking away from the camera.

“Will you court her?”

“Of course. As promised, when we reached third year. I swear I will…” Luhan said. His friends laughed at his greasiness.

“Yoona or Seohyun?” His friends once again.

“Let’s continue talking tomorrow.” Luhan played along with his friends and they all again.

“Come on. Tell us!” His friends demanded.

“Hey, wait! That’s my stop!” That’s when Seohyun realized that Luhan was riding on a bus from the video.

“Wait, Luhan!” They pulled Luhan back by his collar. “Say something to Seohyun!”

“Uhm… hi. I miss you, Seohyun.” Luhan looked directly at the camera. This melted Seohyun’s heart.

“Lame! Tell her you love her!” One of his friends said. But Luhan already got off the bus but he looked back at his friends.

“I’ll tell her personally.” He shouted to his friends.

The winds blew harder. The rain seemed to be getting stronger.

Seohyun continued sobbing as these memories flashed in her head. It was supposed to be their second anniversary today but for months, they have separated. It was a break up that no one expected to happen. Seohyun and Luhan were a happy couple. But it seems that not everything is in their favour.

She wiped the tears that don’t stop from flowing…

It’s still a long night. and she’s sure that she’ll be remembering a lot more of their memories together……

Listen: Baby Steps - TTS

“I’m sick of this.” Luhan told Seohyun while they were having an argument. Yes, it had always been part of their lives as a couple. They were together for more than a year now. “For more than a year, I tried to put up with you.”

Seohyun was hurt. It was painful that after loving him for more than three years, she’ll only receive such words from Luhan. “Isn’t it too immature? All I was saying is that I don’t like eating vegetables.”

“Yeah? And now you’re complaining why I’m not letting you eat these unhealthy chips.” Luhan said, “Don’t you get it? I just want you to have a healthy diet. A simple eating of carrot can do!”

“What part of I don’t eat vegetables do you not understand?! Is carrot not a vegetable?” Seohyun raised her voice. “We’ve known each other for three years now and you’re going to force me to eat something that I don’t like? Luhan! It’s like you have never known me at all!”

“Look, I’m just trying to help you!” Luhan said. Seohyun just ignored him. She crossed her arms and pretended to be occupied by the tv program.  “Come on…” Luhan started poking her side but she did not budge. Soon she got irritated.

“You don’t have to put up with me anymore.” Seohyun stood up from the couch. “Thanks for putting up with me for more than a year. Wow, I can see how little my effort was for putting up with you for three years.” She was about to walk away when Luhan grabbed her arm.

“Seohyun…”

“Stop it, Luhan. You said you’re sick of me, right? I love you so much that I feel so guilty for disgusting you. So let’s end it this way.” Seohyun said before walking out of the door.

For days they did not talk to each other. Though both knew they still loved each other, it was as if they will never be given another chance ever again. Probably one month has passed and nothing processed. Christmas and New Year came and Seohyun still found herself crying over Luhan. Just by a simple argument, everything was lost. And Luhan did not even bother saving their relationship.

Seohyun was hopeless. Because of the loneliness she’s feeling, she just threw her pains by writing letters to Luhan in a blog… knowing that he won’t event be able to read any of them.

The relationship between them really changed a lot.

Worry plastered on Seohyun’s face when she got the news that Luhan was hospitalized for some surgery. That day, she couldn’t think of anything else but Luhan. Even if it was busy at school, she couldn’t focus because her mind was occupied by Luhan.

She wanted to visit him to make sure he’s fine, but she couldn’t. They have broken up and it feels like she doesn’t have the right to visit him. As much as she wanted to stay by Luhan’s side even just for a night at the hospital, she can’t. She grew afraid that Luhan will just send her home once she comes to visit him. She’s scared to see his reaction if he sees her.

But those thoughts did not stop her. She went to the hospital right after class.

She had to ask the receptionist if Luhan was really confined. But it was true. From a distance, she saw Luhan’s mother. She paid respect to her.

“Good thing he underwent the operation on time. Or else, he would be really in danger.” His mother told Seohyun. Seohyun couldn’t speak at all. Even if the operation was done, she was still worried. “But right now, he’s still in the recovery room. Maybe you need to go home now. Just visit tomorrow.”

“I understand… please send him my concern…” Seohyun bowed before Luhan’s mother and left. Her knees were almost so weak while walking. It’s just that she was very much worried about Luhan.

Seohyun couldn’t sleep well that night. She kept rolling on her bed. Three in the morning—she glanced at her watch. And she’s still thinking about Luhan. Pathetically, she finally got up as early as five in the morning and left her house by six in the morning. She dressed up in school uniform but she found herself making her way towards the hospital.

Luhan was indeed in pain. His eyes were puffy but he even joked, “I’m even more Chinese right now. I can’t open my eyes.” The room was filled with soft laughter because Luhan was still cheerful even after having an appendectomy.

The fact that they have broken up already left Seohyun’s mind. She just stayed by Luhan’s side for hours. She helped him in walking. But he was so stubborn.

“You should just go and rest. It’s not good for you to be walking this much.” Seohyun said while carrying Luhan’s dextrose.

“No, I’m afraid I might fall asleep.” Luhan pointed at the hospital’s garden. Seohyun got what he meant and helped him walk towards the mini garden.

“It’d be good for you to sleep. That will make you rest.” Seohyun said.

“Noooo.” Luhan childishly pouted. “If I fall asleep, I might wake up without you by my side.” It was just simple sweet words from him but Seohyun could have sworn not to go to school that afternoon. But she brought her things for the afternoon classes so she had to leave too.

But after classes, she went directly to the hospital again. Taking care of Luhan and watching him sleep were enough for her.

She contemplated on visiting Luhan the next day. She felt that Luhan doesn’t want her to come anymore. She was there for two days. Luhan must be having a hard time keeping up again with her. Somehow, her love for Luhan was stronger so she went to visit him.

Luhan teared upon seeing Seohyun come for the third time. It was really a big sacrifice to be missing school days for Seohyun but it seems like it’s fine with her as long as he’s okay.

“W-why?” Seohyun asked Luhan as he wiped his tears.

“Nothing. Let’s just go back to my room.” Luhan said as Seohyun assisted him in walking. It was awkward inside the room. So Seohyun just busied herself with fixing and filing his medical certificates and bed side table. That day, Luhan was dismissed from the hospital.

Seohyun watched Luhan and his family leave the hospital. She stood there realizing, ‘It’s done. We’re done. My role of taking care of him is done. We’ll come to old days… without taking to each other.’ She sighed and wiped the tear that escaped from her eye.

March came. Soon they will separate, graduate and go to college.

College.

The only possible phase of their lives that will surely open the doors to freely move on.

Even so, Seohyun obviously still loved Luhan. Luhan might have searched for other girls. He might have said sweet things to other girls. But Seohyun did nothing against it. She still loved him no matter what.

‘If we can’t save the relationship, at least save the friendship…’ Seohyun told Luhan once… she always believed in this. But she would always receive nothing in return from Luhan. Sometimes, he’d get irritated by her. Sometimes, he’d raise his voice to her. Seohyun took all these pains… maybe she was already blinded by the love… but she can’t do anything about it.

“Hyung, you still love her, don’t you?” Sehun asked Luhan. Luhan just shrugged his shoulders, deflated. “But why do you have to make it hard for both of you?”

Luhan sighed, “I love her. I still do.” He finally admitted. “But Sehun, it feels like I’m used to it… I’m getting used to my life without her in it.”

Sehun frowned, “I feel sorry for both of you…”

“We’ll be fine. I will be and she will be too.” Luhan told his friend. “She’s still important to me. But it’s still so hard for me… it still feels so wrong.”

They separated for college. As much as Seohyun tells everyone that she’s finally moved on and feels perfectly fine, she still loved Luhan. It was ironic.

June 12^th came.

Her high school friends invited her to watch some movie. She agreed to it… maybe this can help her forget things in a matter of time. She really needs to distract herself. Tomorrow, Luhan will start college. Their worlds will be completely separated. The chances of Luhan getting a new girl friend is high. And there’s nothing she could do about it.

But to her surprise, Luhan came. He watched the movie with them.

It was like Seohyun never wanted the movie to finish. Because that day, it might be the last chance of them seeing each other. The two-hour movie was long enough… but to Seohyun it wasn’t.

Soon, her friends went ahead of her leaving Luhan alone with her. It was awkward. But Seohyun managed to pull it off.

“I’ll be going home now.” She told Luhan. But it was unexpected that Luhan waited for her to get a bus. She watched Luhan’s back retreated when she was already sitting on the bus.

She sighed to herself. It was hard for her to accept that this day would be the last day that she’ll see him. She looked down, holding back the tears that played behind her eyes. But she was surprised when a figure appeared beside her. It was Luhan. She contemplated on starting a conversation. But she did not want to lose this chance of asking him things.

“Are you happy?” Seohyun asked Luhan. Luhan was surprised by Seohyun’s question. He found it awkward, so he looked away and just nodded. He did not even look at Seohyun. “Do you think we made the right decision?” But before Luhan could find an answer, he glanced at Seohyun. It was his stop and time to go down from the bus.

He looked too sad. He looked apologetic. But he left no other words to Seohyun.

Everything was just hanging again.

Seohyun looked at Luhan’s disappearing figure at the bus moved forward and further from Luhan.

Her phone vibrated from her pocket. It was a text from Luhan.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I just remembered something but I don’t want to worsen things so I just remained silent.”

It stung Seohyun’s heart. But she braced herself to text back saying, “It’s okay. I just wanted to talk to you before you start your college life. I hope you get the girl that you like in college. I’ll be seeing you next time. Goodluck! :)”

But it did hurt her to be talking about other girl for Luhan.

She just knew one thing.

She has to move on.

That night, she received another text from Luhan. “I don’t have plans on courting other girls. I don’t think I can… part of me is still hurt. But I don’t want to talk about it. It’s you who should be nice to guys. A lot there could be attracted to you. :) but for me, I’d rather have you stay as a snob person, hehehe”

Then Seohyun cried again.

That’s when she started crying and covering herself with blanket. The rain started pouring and it did not help her lift the mood in any possible way.

Seohyun met Luhan when they were in freshman year in high school. They got to know each other more in second year. They got together when they were in third year. They broke up in fourth year.

But now that they’re in first year college… Seohyun still loves Luhan.

If her life was a movie… It all started when she met Luhan. But right now….

It’s already a five-year long movie. And Luhan seem to have appeared in every scene. 

[A/N: Based from a true story.....]