A/N: I'm still alive and I'm getting ready to work (looking for jobs!).

But I found time to write this oneshot just to let you know I'M STILL HERE. :-)

Sorry, it's not EXSEO though :-( But I really ship Hae with Seo before EXO debuted!!! Enjoy!

Listen: I Heard Goodbye - Dan + Shay

It was a bright sunny day, an unusual weather in the middle of a rainy season. Seohyun sat on a chair in front of her dresser. She looked lost, empty and lonely with heavy bags under her eyes. She looked up in the mirror and stared at herself. She was torn between feeling sorry for herself as she saw her swollen eyes and feeling sorry for her parents, for being kind, generous and thoughtful all throughout her life but were gone now. How unfortunate was it for her parents to land in a horrible car accident when they were on the way to surprise her for her birthday? She covered her face with her hands, she trembled and she let out a sob. She was so lost.

She wished it was easier this time to say goodbye to people she was sure she’d never see again, God knew she had loved and lost eight years ago when a certain man walked out of her life. However, death was anything but. It was different from watching someone walk away from your life by choice than losing people in your life without having any choice at all. It was painful. It was unbearable.

She heard a soft knock on her door. She quickly wiped her tears away and tried to compose herself. She hadn’t talk to anyone since last night, when the police officers fetched her from her apartment in the city to deliver the tragic news. She had to put up a brave front and receive the condolences from their relative and friends because that was what’s expected of her even if all she wanted to do was curl up on her bed and succumb to the idea that this could all just be a nightmare.

She heard the door squeaked open slowly, “Seohyun-ah, people are arriving.” Taeyeon spoke softly and stood by the door. She appreciated her friends more than anything now. She nodded, a cue that she would follow downstairs.

Seohyun managed to receive the condolences from Seo family’s friends and relatives with a forced but pleasant smile on her face. Shaking their hands and receiving their warm embraces were helping her cope but the feeling did not last for so long. After three hours, she felt suffocated. She was worn-out. She wanted an escape. Because no matter how big her fake smile was to all the people, she was deeply broken inside. It was heartbreaking to do this to herself—be someone in front of the people when all she wanted to do was run away and make herself believe that there must be a reason for this to happen to her.

Taeyeon and Hyoyeon seemed to notice Seohyun’s discomfort while they were in the kitchen to fetch some biscuits and refreshments. “You can go upstairs, we can take it from here.” Taeyeon said.

Hyoyeon nodded, “You’ve done your part. People will understand that you need time alone.”

Alone? It sounded like a mock because she was alone, Seohyun thought. Her parents are dead. But she understood that her friends were only trying to comfort her.

“You’re right, I need time for myself.” Seohyun looked down at her fidgeting hands. She straightened her black dress and looked at her friends, “But I think I need to go outside, take a short walk away from all this.”

Taeyeon’s eyebrows creased in concern, “Are you sure that’s a good idea? Maybe a nap is a better escape. You look restless.”

“I want to take my mind off everything, just shut down for a moment because I—I need to understand what life is trying to tell me…” Seohyun almost broke into a sob. Finally, anger surfaced. She was adamant telling herself that she’s in agony but in truth, she was furious to what life had done to her. She was left questioning herself in the back of her mind, what she did in the past to make her deserve such loss. “I need an out, even for just a short while. I need time—I need—“

“Shhh, shhh..” Taeyeon finally embraced her. She didn’t know tears were already falling from her eyes and they were unstoppable. Hyoyeon handed her a box of tissue and patted her free arm. “Okay, you can go. But don’t make us worry and call us if you need anything, all right?”

Seohyun nodded weakly and wiped her face clean. Taeyeon and Hyoyeon gave her one last look of concern before she walked out of the kitchen to the back door to avoid the people in the living room.

She only rounded the corner out of the kitchen when she almost dropped to her knees as a pair of familiar, loving eyes was set on hers. There, in a black suit and tie, was the man who broke her heart eight years ago. There, he stood, looking more handsome than she could picture him in her mind from their teenage years. He was there near her backdoor, just like when they were young and they would delude themselves that their parents would get mad at them for staying out late at night, gazing at the stars, so they’d have to sneak inside the Seo’s house using the backdoor.

Those were the happy times but today, she couldn’t even remember what it’s like to smile. Eight years, he was gone for eight years. All those years, she longed to see him, she even wanted to fly to wherever he was and leave everything behind. Take a risk, take a chance. She was so sure about chasing after him because that was what her heart was telling and screaming at her. But now, after all those years, with him before her in flesh, she wasn’t sure anymore.

Eight damned years, she thought. Could her parents have not died, would he even be standing in front of her now? Damn, eight years.

She finally let out a deep breath, she felt as if the walls were closing in on her. She had to break the silence but she was scared that he was just a figment of her imagination because amidst all the tragedy, she sought his presence no matter how long he was gone from her life. She didn’t move, hung a little open in shock, her eyes not blinking. She was afraid that with just a snap, he would disappear from her life, yet again.

“Ya, Donghae, why did we have to take the backdoors?” A woman appeared from the doorway. With a tight-fitting black dress, the shape of her body showed. Seohyun eyes snapped to her. She noticed that she was about the same height as her, but she was wearing heels so she appeared taller. The woman was slim like her and she had long limbs but her body had more curves than her. She was gorgeous and an obvious catch. She walked beside Donghae and slipped an arm around his. Suddenly, she was everything she was and she wasn’t at the same time. “Oh, is this her? The daughter of the deceased couple?”

Donghae cleared his throat and shifted his eyes from Seohyun to the woman beside him. “Seohyun-ah, this is Park Sunghye, Sunghye, this is Seo Joohyun.” He sounded nervous and the tension in the room was palpable. He knew that it had been eight years since they last saw each other, and the tragic event that had happened wasn’t the ideal first meeting after all those years.

“Nice to meet you! I’m Park Sunghye, Donghae’s girlfriend.” Sunghye reached out to Seohyun for a handshake. Seohyun was reluctant to take it, reluctant to even look at her hand. She was scared to see if she was wearing an engagement ring. Because as broken as she was, she didn’t have it in herself to shatter into pieces.

“Oh, Donghae-oppa? Oppa!” Hyoyeon interrupted the three and the tension was finally broken. Seohyun was silently thankful avoid Sunghye’s handshake. She felt bad because she was nice and polite but all at once, she felt insecure. She almost laughed at herself, did she really expect Donghae to be single? He was a good-looking man and a gentleman at that, a humble and caring person and a funny friend too. Of course, someone out there would fall head over heels for him. The world was so big, Donghae was bound to find love too.

Donghae greeted Hyoyeon and introduced her to Sunghye as well. Hyoyeon glanced at Seohyun, noting the sadness in her eyes were even more prominent at the moment. To save her friend, Hyoyeon ushered Donghae and his girlfriend out of the kitchen to the living room to pay their respects. Hyoyeon engaged Sunghye in a getting-to-know or nice-to-meet-you conversation and walked ahead of Donghae.

Seohyun was just about to leave through the backdoor when a warm and strong hand gripped her arm.

“Where are you going?” Donghae asked. Seohyun thought she saw hurt in his eyes for a second until they returned to feeling sorry for her loss. She braced herself to answer and she realized she hadn’t said anything to him yet.

She didn’t want him to see how affected she was that he was there and that he brought his girlfriend—to her parents’ wake. So she didn’t look away from him. She met his gaze and answered, “I need some air.”

“I’ll go with you.” Those were the words she wished to hear from him eight years ago when he told her he’ll go to London to pursue his studies. But those weren’t the words she wanted to hear now. She wanted his apology, his explanation and his ‘I missed you’ but she decided she just wanted to be alone right now.

“Donghae, if it’s not too much to ask, can you please give me the pleasure of being the one leaving this time?” Donghae’s hand fell back to his side. Suddenly, she missed the warmth of his hand on her arm but she’s not going to tell him that. She didn’t have those hands on her for eight years. Surely, she could survive another lifetime without it. This time, she was certain she saw hurt in his eyes. “I’m sorry, but I want to be alone right now.”

He watched her walk away from him. He did not comeback just to watch her walk away from him. Donghae knew he was wrong to leave, but he had dreams and he was young then, he didn’t know what it was to fall in love and to prioritize other people other than himself. He was a boy and he wanted adventure. He wanted a new environment. That’s why he left the country and fled to London. He wanted to run after her, give her a tight embrace that he was imagining to give her when he was on the plane back to his old neighborhood. But who was he fooling? Seohyun was a woman now, more beautiful than he could remember. More mature than she ever was. The hurt that he inflicted to her when she was only sixteen was probably still there. Embracing her or telling her he missed her would be the biggest joke to her.

So he let her walk away from him. He deserved it. Hell, Seohyun could slap his cheek and throw punches at him, and he’d even offer his hair for her to pull and he’d be okay with it. But she didn’t and that filled him with guilt. Because after all these years, she was still that kind of person—understanding but at the same time, holding her feelings back for she knew better than to hurt the people around her.

Seohyun sat on the village park. It used to be a colorful and lively park where she and Donghae would plan movie nights in her house and would have picnics. However, two years after Donghae left, a typhoon destroyed the entire park and no one bothered to rebuild it. It had been dead a long time ago, just like her heart that used to beat for no one but Donghae.

She sat on one of the remaining slides. It was dusty but she didn’t care. Her parents dying from car accident was one thing, but seeing Donghae? It was another thing.

Seohyun left her house in the hands of her friends, she made Donghae feel a fragment of her pain by leaving but she knew that she hoped he would stop her or at least, go with her. Push it to her that he’d come with her. Fight for it because he wanted to be with her right now. But even then, even now, Seohyun felt defeated. Eight years ago, he didn’t return her feelings. What would make him return those never forgotten feelings now?

She should be crying now because she could feel the pain heave through her chest. But it was as if her eyes already dried out. Too much emotions. Too much mixed feelings.

Donghae was her best friend. But Donghae treated her more than a best friend, she was a younger sister to him. What she felt for him though, was more than a friend. It was funny and tragic to think of those moments now…

“What are you doing?” Seohyun asked Donghae as he started rummaging her closet for blankets and pillows. It was her closet after all.

“The sky’s really clear tonight. I thought we could watch the stars outside.” Donghae answered her after gathering what he needed.

“And that’s better than watching The Notebook tonight, here inside the house, because?” Seohyun stayed under the cozy sheets of her bed. The DVD waiting to be played.

“Because it’s probably going to rain tomorrow and the next few days and we can’t do this anymore.” Donghae pulled her sheets of her and tugged her hand. “Come on.”

“But this is an epic love story.” Seohyun complained and pulled her hand back.

“Then we’ll make our own love story outside, under the stars.” That made Seohyun stopped. That did sound better after all. Except that like her favorite movie, it was just another fiction. “Okay, that’s a joke. If you want to stay here, fine by me. But I’ll be outside and you’re welcome to stop your movie and join me.”

“Okaaay. You don’t have to invite me anyway. I won’t go out there.” Mostly because Donghae took back his words of making a love story of their own. She was bitter but what can she do? She was a teenager and she was hopelessly falling for her best friend who only treated her like a sister.

“Oh, I think you will.” Donghae winked at her before leaving her bedroom. She heard him go downstairs. It was only after five minutes through the movie that she realized what Donghae meant.

“YA, OPPA!!!!!!!” She shouted so loud she almost heard Donghae, who was probably already lying under the stars, chuckle from her backyard. She stormed down the stairs to the backyard and found out she was right: Donghae took the bag of chips, soda, pop corn and ice cream with him.

It was nice though, watching the stars. It bored her but the thought of lying beside Donghae while doing it was enough to make her think that this is something better than watching The Notebook. It was better than watching people fall in love in the movie because she was watching the man she kept falling in love with. But she was only sixteen, yet she seemed sure of what she felt. First love, isn’t that the term for this feeling?

Now, she just watched Donghae sauntered back to her life with the woman he fell in love with and it wasn’t her. Seohyun sighed and played with the hem of her dress. She asked herself, why couldn’t she just have fallen in love with someone else? Or at least, after Donghae left? It was absurd. The idea of loving someone after he was long gone. She deserved better but she knew damn well that it did not matter because all she wanted was him. She was back at square one of convincing herself that she was over him.

Why? Why couldn’t she forget him? Where in the past did Donghae took her heart and left with it? Seohyun couldn’t help but trace back to all those memories with him because she might have missed it. So she remained sitting there on the slide and reminiscing all the moments she’d had with Donghae.

Donghae stood at the backyard of Seo’s house. His hands were inside the pockets of his slacks and he stared blankly in front of him. His girlfriend had just left after they paid respects inside. She was off to visit her own parents until tomorrow before they return to London. He met Sunghye three years ago in London. It was nice to see a native of his own land another country. After a few dates, things just went on from there. Sunghye was shy at first but she had her own unique personality. She reminded him of Seohyun, he guessed maybe it was the reason why he fell even more in love with her. It was a cruel comparison, but he loved Sunghye nonetheless.

 Standing there in the backyard reminded him of that night when he and Seohyun watched the stars. The first time he knew he had to run away from her because that moment, when she looked back at him, he knew he’d fallen in love with the girl whose heart he didn’t want to every break. And the possibility of breaking her precious heart scared him.

She had no experience in relationships and he was only going to hurt her inevitably even without meaning to and he didn’t want to risk it. All he wanted to do was to protect like what he was doing all the time. But coming face to face with his feelings ruined him. She looked so innocent beside him on that blanket, so happy and contented. He couldn’t for the life of him take that innocence from her. Jesus, she was only sixteen and in that moment, he wanted nothing but to pull her to him and kiss her.

That was the moment he decided his illusions had to stop. There was no way for Seohyun to ever see him as someone more than a brother. Other than hurting her, maybe he was also scared that he’d be hurting too. Shoot him if that didn’t make him regret now.

“What are you thinking?” Donghae asked Seohyun who was sitting beside her in front of the campfire. Seohyun’s friends invited her for a camp in the woods. Of course, as a nature lover, Seohyun couldn’t deny the invitation. The over-protective side of Donghae couldn’t allow her to go to a camping with just girls. But when he’d come, he was more relieved he did because some boys from Seohyun’s class also came.

“Nothing, just missing high school, maybe.” That was a lie. He was just thinking of how he’d break the news to her. He didn’t want to tell her that he was leaving soon for London in a camping night with her friends. But that moment, they were alone and the rest was already sleeping inside their tents. Besides, if he wanted to relish his last days with Seohyun, he’d have to let her know.

“Huh, funny. I thought you wanted to study again? If that’s the case, you wouldn’t miss school anymore.” Seohyun said stretched her legs in front of her for a second and then pulled them back to her chest.

“About that, there’s something I have to tell you.” Donghae was nervous but he was ready to tell her the news. Seohyun stopped gazing at the fire and she met his gaze. She seemed nervous too.

“I—I have something to tell you too.” She looked away for a second before looking at him again. He was curious but he was sure that it would be something about her grades in school again.

“Yeah, but mine’s more important and urgent.” Donghae gave her a small smile but he couldn’t hold it any longer than a second.

“How do you know? Oppa, this is something that I’ve been meaning to tell you—“

“I’m leaving.” Donghae cut her off. Seohyun stopped talking and just looked at him questioningly. “For London to pursue my studies. So you’re right, maybe I won’t be missing school anymore.” He saw the color left Seohyun’s face. She quickly looked away and back to the fire. She was silent, just as what he was expecting. “It’s a dream you know, to study abroad. I kind of planned ahead of everything and I’m set to leave next week. This school has this good literature program and I thought it’d be nice to try. I thought a lot about it so when I got accepted, I got ready for the interview next week.”

He couldn’t figure out what Seohyun was thinking but he could sense that she was upset.

“Say something.” He whispered. Suddenly, leaving didn’t seem to be a good idea after all.

“So, London, huh?” She avoided his gaze and he noticed it.

“You look upset. Let’s not talk about this—“

“Not talk about this? I mean, you already kept it from me, obviously, and you still don’t want to talk about this?” Seohyun finally looked at him and he did regret now telling her this news. Maybe he could have just left and sent her an email or something after leaving. That way, he wouldn’t have to bear looking at her hurtful eyes. He wouldn’t have to bear hurting her. “You could have told me. I wish, I really wish you did.” She closed her eyes and breathed deeply before opening them.

“I wish I told you too, it’s just that it’s so hard to say it because putting it into words gives it a sense of finality.” He told her. “I guess I was scared that you’d act this way and I really didn’t want to upset you. You know you’re like a sister to me.” And more than that, was what he didn’t say.

“You know I’d always be happy for you. Big brother, right? What kind of brother keeps a secret like this from his sister? I’m just saying that I’m going to miss you but if this is what you want, then go and chase after your dreams.” She smiled at him, it was forced but he’d take it nonetheless. In that moment, he wanted nothing but to pull her and kiss her. For the second time, he thought of doing it. He must have gone crazy. This really had to stop.

“I’m going to miss you too.” He said. “So what’s your news? An A+ in Chemistry?” Donghae joked but Seohyun stiffened. “What, you failed in a test?”

“A senior asked me to attend this dance at school and I said yes.” Seohyun didn’t even look at him when she said this. There was a minute or two of silence. Until she stood up and told him goodnight and another ‘I’m happy for you’, something he couldn’t say to her.

He was right. He was scared. If he acted on his feelings for her, their worlds will clash. Seohyun at sixteen meant she was going to meet a lot of guys in college. Hell, she was meeting guys in high school now! Something he didn’t expect because she was always so uptight and proper. On the other hand, he was done with that phase. He was a grown up and if he wanted Seohyun and had her, he wouldn’t be worrying about meeting any other girls because he’d want only her.

Either way, they were never really going to work out, he told himself.

After all this time, that memory made a lone tear escape her eyes. She wiped it and hoped that nothing will follow. She could be the biggest liar for telling Donghae that dance with a senior but when he kept it a secret from her that he was leaving, he might as well be a liar.

She was planning to confess her feelings to him at that moment, something really important to her but Donghae beat her to it by breaking his London-news. That left her to make up a lie. How could she ever tell him she’s in love with him when he was bound to leave? Her love for him was really a tragic that was waiting to happen after all, she just didn’t know it’d happen sooner.

“You should come back.” That familiar voice came behind her. Funny, those were the words she wanted to tell him when she celebrated her birthday, that happened every year without him. She didn’t need to look up to know it was Donghae. Mostly, she just didn’t want to see him. Finally, Donghae stood before her and crouched to her level. “Let’s go back home.”

She couldn’t even begin to wonder how he managed to find her. She was gone for at least three hours and the sky was starting to set in the distance. The light was fading but she could still see Donghae’s face perfectly, those kind eyes, his pointy nose and chiseled jaw. She missed him so much but she wasn’t sure if she should.

“I didn’t even get to say this yet, but I’m sorry for your loss. Your parents must be in a better place now.” Donghae said softly. Seohyun looked away again. Of course, he was sorry for losing her parents, but he was never sorry for letting her lose him, she thought.

They didn’t speak for the next minute and Donghae knew they wouldn’t be leaving soon. The distant look in Seohyun’s eyes meant that she needed time to compose herself. He knew her that well because she used to have that look when her puppy died a long time ago. He looked around and pushed a scrap material from the park and settled it before Seohyun who was still sitting comfortable on the edge of the slide.

Seohyun didn’t expect him to stay. She expected him to urge her to go home but not to stay like they were going to have a casual talk and catch up on each other’s lives. Donghae’s legs caged her, but he was still on a safe distance. But she could smell him at arm’s length. He was here, really here.

“Talk to me. Please, just say something.” Donghae pleaded. He took her hands from her lap and it sent immediate warmth to Seohyun’s body. She wanted to pull away but she didn’t have the strength to. She didn’t have the strength anymore, from all the thinking and wondering, from why’s and what if’s, Donghae could just pull her to her feet and she’d obediently go home with him. But it was as if Donghae wanted to talk.

She looked at her hands enveloped in his large ones. He was so tangible but he still seemed like a faraway dream. His thumb drew circles at the back of her hand and it was enough to make her look up from their hands to meet his eyes.

“Let’s not talk about my parents. I want to forget. Everything.” Seohyun finally spoke up. It took a few seconds before Donghae believed that she was finally talking to him. He urged her to go on. “It’s clear that nothing could bring them back, but I just can’t stop asking God why and I have to stop asking now. It’s driving me insane and it’s hurting me so bad, I want to forget it. I want to forget the pain. I want to numb myself because all at once, I felt empty and lost. I—I can’t live like this. It’s enough that I’ve lost you before, and that my best friend, Jessica, left too. And that my puppy died. But my parents? Gone forever? I’m not cut for a life without them. I—I can’t—“ Seohyun started crying as words started pouring out of without any filter. It was all that she felt. Tears blurred her eyes and she didn’t care anymore if Donghae was in front of her.

He squeezed her hands. But it wasn’t enough to comfort her so he tugged on her hands and pulled her to him. He hugged her tightly and started rubbing her back. She continued crying. He guessed she must have suppressed those tears for a long time.

His scent intoxicated her but his arms around her calmed her. He still sent her that sense of safety. He must have been gone for a long time but nothing’s changed—he was still that big brother she used to have, he was still the boy she loved.

“I’m sorry, but it’s going to be okay. Not now but later on. I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.” Donghae could feel his own eyes moisten. He knew that whenever Seohyun cried, her tears were real and they came from heartbreak. He was sorry for a lot of things, especially for leaving her.

“I wish you didn’t leave. I hate myself for thinking of this when I should just be mourning after my parents’ death. I hate myself for constantly thinking if I’d done wrong to make you leave like that. Eight years, you were gone, and I’m not even sure what to feel now that you’re here.” Seohyun scrunched up Donghae’s shirt but she couldn’t bring herself to care anymore. He was holding her but it felt wrong.

“Stop it, don’t say that. Don’t hate yourself, it’s never your fault. It’s not your fault.” He started rocking her and mumbling comforting words but she was deaf to it all. Suddenly, all the pain from Donghae’s departure came back.

“Then I hate you. I hate you. I hate you so, so much. You were selfish. You left like I didn’t mean anything to you and you came back so easily the way you left. I hate you.” She murmured but she didn’t mean any of it. Donghae suddenly stopped rubbing circles on her back and he halted rocking gently. He stilled and Seohyun felt him stiffen. She quickly wiped her tears away and saw his shirt was soaked in her tears. She looked up and she saw his jaw clenched. His face was so close to her and her heart started beating fast. She must be crazy because she knew she should still be crying for parents’ death but her tears stopped flowing. She was in awe of the beauty that he was.

“Don’t say that. Don’t.” He whispered. Her words cut through him. He wished she didn’t mean those words because all this time, he only wanted to hear her say she loved him but what he got was the exact opposite.

Seohyun stood up and she looked down at Donghae. Why was he turning it on her? She was supposed to have the upper hand now because she was the one hurting, not him. She could put all the blame on him and she shouldn’t feel any ounce of guilt. He was the one who left, not her. She was the one hurting, not him.

“It’s true, though. Isn’t it? When you decided to leave, you didn’t think about me You just wanted to chase after your dreams, and those dreams didn’t include me. Do you know how that made me feel? Do you?” Seohyun scoffed when Donghae didn’t even look at her. “It made me feel like I was just some friend you can leave and go back to when you want to. And right now, you aren’t even back because of me. You’re back because of my parents. Have I the one who died, will you even be back? Be here? Will you even—“

“Stop saying that!” Donghae finally stood up. Anger lit up his eyes. “Don’t even think, for a second, that you should be the one who died. Because you don’t know how I would feel, you don’t know how I would act and you don’t know how that would kill me.” He ed his coat and loosened his tie. He looked away from Seohyun because this was the side that he was afraid to show her—his evident love for her that would surely destroy him.

“Well, in case you don’t know, a part of me died when you left.” Seohyun countered. “A part of me died when you didn’t come back for a long time. Then every other part of me died when I celebrated birthdays and holidays without you, without knowing how you’ve been, without knowing if you’re still there.”

That silenced Donghae. He was finally realizing how selfish he really was. He was hurting too because of the idea that Seohyun couldn’t be possibly in love with him, but Seohyun was hurting all because of him. He was too focused on forgetting her, he didn’t know all she had done was to keep his memories alive.

“You were so young, surely you could have forgotten about me like I was just your teenage playmate from the neighborhood. I was gone for eight years, but who’s counting? You should be happy to see me, and we shouldn’t be arguing right now.” It was to remind Seohyun that he was just a friend, but it came out more to remind himself than her.

“What are you saying?” Seohyun’s eyes showed pain. “I was sixteen, yes. But I knew then that I was in love with you, hopelessly and irretrievably in love with you. You were my first and only love and you chose to leave and break my heart. How am I supposed to forget that? So yes, I have died every day since you left because you have my heart.” Seohyun looked down. She couldn’t believe she told him that.

Donghae couldn’t speak. Was he hearing things? Was he imagining the words he wished to hear a long time ago?

“I wish I told you that night with the campfire.”

“W-why didn’t you?”

Seohyun finally looked up at him again, “Because you told me you were leaving. It wouldn’t matter if I’m in love with you or not, you were leaving.”

“It would have. It. Would. Have.” Donghae took a step closer to her. Eyes boring to her. “I thought you were already in love with that senior guy who—“

“I made it up. I guess a part of me was too proud to admit how I feel, and you hurt me so bad that I wanted to try to hurt you a little bit.” Seohyun suddenly felt her actions were too childish so she looked down again.

“It worked. Trust me, I was so jealous and so mad, I wanted to find this guy and give him a good punch but who was I kidding? You didn’t tell me his name. I couldn’t find him.”

“He wasn’t real—wait, why… You shouldn’t be jealous.” Surely, she was receiving mixed signals from Donghae at the moment but it didn’t make sense.

“I only left because I wanted to avoid the feelings I was starting to have for you. Christ, Seohyun…” Donghae pulled his hair in frustration. He paced back and forth twice before stopping and looking at her. “You were sixteen and I was so convinced that I was in love with you, madly and deeply, but you were sixteen. You’re going to meet a lot of guys in a whole new world of college. You might realize one day that I wasn’t the one you wanted. But I was done with the phase in my life, if I wanted you, I only wanted you. And I can’t risk it. I was so scared to cage you in my world because you were so young, but God knows I only wanted you. I love only you.”

Neither of them spoke for a minute and a minute stretch to another and then another.

“That’s twisted.” Seohyun finally broke the silence. She took a step closer to Donghae. For a while, he thought he saw agony and fury in her eyes, both at the same time. “Because I didn’t meet any guys and you were the one who met a woman, who’s so perfect and nice, and I don’t know how to compete with that!” Her voice started to rise but she didn’t care if she was shouting. Her feelings were too bottled up inside, she knew better to explode than to keep them inside.

“There is no competition!”

“Of course! I already lost, didn’t I?”

“Stop it—“

“You can’t love and leave, you know? You cannot love me and love another person too. You can’t—“

“I can, okay? I love you! God damn it, I love you! And I love Sunghye too and that’s twisted but I do love both of you. I loved you first but I love her now.”

That was impossible, Seohyun thought. If he had loved her, truly loved her, he should have known better than to leave her. “Stop saying you love me and you love her in the same sentence.” Seohyun closed her eyes as if this could just all stop and she could wake up from her own nightmare. Seohyun felt like crying again but she knew better to hold it in.

There was a silence for a moment.

“I’ll always love you.” Donghae said carefully. “And I was wrong for not telling you that so I’m sorry.” He stepped closer to her, they were almost chest to chest now.

“Why does that sound like a goodbye?” Seohyun asked, her eyes were looking through his soul.

“I asked her to marry me.” His voice was so low she almost didn’t hear it. But it was enough. Enough for her to let out her tears. He didn’t mean to make her cry but it only proved how deep she loved him up to this moment.

“I wish you didn’t tell me love you. Take it back. Oppa, take it back. Right now.” She gripped his arms and started shaking him. It didn’t rattle him that much because he was all grown-up now and Seohyun had delicate arms. But he felt it, the pain she was in. But he couldn’t take it back because it was all the truth.

“Stop it,” She removed her hands from his arm and gripped hers instead. “She didn’t say yes, okay? She told me to wait for the right time but we didn’t break up. That’s why she’s here.”

“But you’re going to marry her anyway…”

“We don’t know about that, and don’t say it like it’s a bad thing—“

“You’re so selfish, do you know that? You come here to comfort me but you only end up breaking me even more.”

“Fine.” Donghae pulled his hands and wiped his forehead again in frustration. “I’m the selfish one! I don’t deserve you and I’m stupid for letting you go!”

“You’re the one who went away!”

“Okay! Then this is my entire fault!”

“But you made me feel like I was the one who did wrong so you left”

“We already made it clear that it wasn’t your fault!”

“And you—“

“I don’t want to argue anymore! Okay?” Donghae cut Seohyun off. When they finally calmed down, he added, “I didn’t come here to fight, all right? I only wanted to take you home because Taeyeon and your other friends are worrying about you. I only volunteered to look for you because we both know we need time to talk. But not to fight. Not like this.”

Seohyun shook her head and turned away from Donghae.

“What is it?” He asked.

“I don’t want to go back yet. Not yet. I really wanted to forget first, all the pain. I wanted numbing. I wanted peace. If I go back there, the reality of my parents’ death will come back and come crashing down on me again. I want to forget at the moment.” She said softly.

Donghae stepped closer to her and took her arm to turn her around and face him. “Do you really want to forget?”

Seohyun looked up, “Yes.”

“Are you sure about that? Those are your parents and your relatives and friends waiting for you.” Donghae pulled her closer to him and she almost gasped at their close proximity.

“Y-yes.” She managed to say when Donghae s an arm around her waist. It was enough to make her shiver and she hoped he didn’t feel it. “What are you doing?” Her words were almost a whisper. She knew her breath was fanning his face as his was to hers.

“I’m asking you, do you really want to forget?” His eyes flickered to her lips. Her heart hammered through her chest but damn if she couldn’t feel his doing the same.

“Even just for a minute, or a second.” She said and the next thing she felt was Donghae’s lips on hers, soft and gently caressing hers. His other hand cupped her cheek as if to guide her. She was lost in his kiss, her first love was now her first kiss. He pulled back for some air. “This is wrong.” She murmured, her lips softly touching his as she spoke.

“I know.” It was all he said before crashing his lips again to hers, this time a little more aggressively. They found their rhythm and Donghae slipped the hand on her cheek down to her lower back. Both of his hands are now pulling her against him as if they could still be any closer. He pulled back again but their noses were still touching. “I shouldn’t be kissing you.”

Seohyun’s hands on his chest scrunched up the material of his shirt, “I shouldn’t.” Her eyes were so round and beautiful, over and over again, he realized he really love her all this time. Then they were kissing again and pulling at each other’s lips, tongues meeting and tangling, their bodies pressed to each other.

Donghae was right. Seohyun forgot everything at the moment. Who were dead again? Her heart was broken by who? Where is she?

But the magic didn’t last for so long. The spell was broken by Donghae’s ringtone. But Donghae ignored it and continued kissing her.

“I should have kissed you.” He whispered in between kisses. “That night under the stars in your backyard.” Kisses. “That night with the campfire.” Kisses. “The day before I left.” Kisses. “I should have kissed you.” Kisses.

She was convinced that if he didn’t stop kissing her, she would be a puddle in his feet before the day ended. But the spell was broken by the ring of Donghae’s cell phone. Someone’s calling him and it must be an important call.

Donghae finally pulled back, just enough distance from Seohyun to take his phone out. Seohyun saw Sunghye’s name flash on the screen and it was enough to make her take a few steps back. That kiss was good and knee-weakening but this, this was reality. Donghae wasn’t hers. He belonged to someone else.

Why was life like this? She only wanted him but how can fate forbid them to be together? Did she do something so wrong in the past? What made her deserve this? Now all she could do was watch Donghae look at her, contemplating on answering his girlfriend’s call. Suddenly, she felt like she was the villain in a movie. This had to stop.

“Take it.” She said softly, forcing a small smile on her face.

“I’ll just need a few minutes.” He said before pressing answer. Seohyun thought she heard goodbye instead. A few minutes then what? Was there really something to this after that mind-blowing kiss? Was everything going to change? She wanted to leave then and there. Maybe this was how Donghae felt eight years ago. It was easier to walk away than to face your feelings. But it felt suitable for Seohyun right now because he had a loving girlfriend and she was just that friend he happened to fall in love with years ago.

Donghae kept his voice low but Seohyun was sure that they were catching up on each other’s whereabouts because that’s what lovers do, right? Seohyun survived eight years without a single call or message from Donghae. Certainly, they weren’t lovers.

Donghae listened to Sunghye’s voice from the other line, telling him stories about her train trip to her hometown and about her nieces and nephews that are now all grown-up. He was so caught up in her giggles and stories that when he turned around, Seohyun was already walking away from him.

Did it feel this way when he left her all those years ago? Did it hurt her this way? It was breaking his heart to watch her just walk away from him because it felt permanent this time. Now that he had her lips on his, he wasn’t sure if he could let her go. It was selfish but he was still confused. And now she was slowly disappearing from his sight, the distance between them growing more and more yet all he could do was to watch her walk away.

The funeral next day went by so fast. Her parents were gone now and Seohyun would have to accept it. With the inheritance all given to her and the big house sold, since she couldn’t live in that huge house without anyone else in there, she had the choice on where to go and what to do with her life.

She just finished up loading her car with her stuff and some important things that belonged to her parents when Donghae walked up to her. She knew he would leave again soon but she didn’t man up to ask when. She was thinking maybe there were some things she’d rather not know.

He approached her with caution, unsure of what to say or what to do.

“Hey.” She greeted with a smile that failed to reach her eyes.

“So you sold the house.” He said and gestured towards the house.

“I don’t think I could live in it anymore. Too big, too many… memories.” She said. Memories of her with her parents, memories of her with Donghae.

“Listen, I want to talk about us.” Donghae took her hands in his and Seohyun almost flinched to feel his rough hands on hers but she didn’t let go, she just let him hold her. “I know it’s a chaos in your head right now, but I want you to know that I’m willing to give us a chance.”

“Thank you.” Seohyun dropped Donghae’s hands only to wrap her arms around his waist. She rested her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. “I want that too, but you can’t just break Sunghye’s heart.”

“I’ll try not to.” He cradled her head to his chest and brushed her hair. After a peaceful silence, Seohyun pulled back to look up at him. He bent down to meet her lips, it was a soft kiss but was enough to give them both shivers. It was short but sweet.

“I just need more time. After all this, I just need time.” She said it with sincerity. That moment, he knew that Seohyun was telling him goodbye. He wasn’t sure if only for a while or forever, but if that’s what she wanted, he’d give it to her. Give her all the time that she wanted.

“Okay,” He whispered as he looked into her eyes for a good couple of seconds before cupping both of her cheeks and pressing a long kiss to her forehead. “Take your time.”

She smiled, it was small and probably forced but he’d remember it the way he would for all those short kisses, today and yesterday. She finally pulled back and walked to the driver’s side of the car. Her eyes were still mourning, swollen from tears she shed for her parents, and probably for him, but she managed to smile a small smile again to him. It was enough for him to watch her get into her car, rev the engine and drive away.

Watching her go today was harder than watching her walk away yesterday. When her car rounded the corner out of the village, out of his sight, it gave him a sense of finality that he let her go twice—once when he went away and now, when he let her go. He wasn’t sure if he’d find her soon and if she’d still be in love with him by then. But he was adamant to find her because then, he wouldn’t let her go. Right now, everything was just hurting him but he’d manage.

But for the first time in years, he cried. For him, for Seohyun, for Sunghye, for Seohyun’s parents, for everything.

For finding his soul mate and letting her go. For finding her again, and letting her go again.