Seohyun's POV

 

If happy ever after did exist...

 

I was at the payphone, dialing Kris’s number. It had been a while since I last heard his voice and I thought I just had to hear it… I couldn’t call him through my phone—I was afraid he wouldn’t pick it up. And I just didn’t want him to think I still cared about him. This payphone was the only way for me to hear his voice.

“Hello?” His husky voice asked. “Hello, who’s this?”

But I pursed my lips and stayed silent. I missed his calls. I missed him so much. “Hello?” He said again before hanging up.

I sighed and walked to school.

Did he ever try calling me too?

 

 

''Seohyun, have you heard the news?'' Hyoyeon was walking beside me. I rolled my eyes.

''It's everywhere.'' I sighed and clutched my books to my chest, ''Suho's first novel was published. It's available in the university's bookstore.''

''Yah, super cool, right?'' Yuri added. ''Don't you like it? Your almost-boyfriend is famous now!''

''Yuri!!!'' I whined. ''Anyway, I can't believe even our school mates would stupidly buy his book. Come on. Just ask him for a pdf file!''

''No, wait, Seohyun. Don't you know?'' Hyoyeon held my arm and we suddenly stopped walking.

 

I was standing at the shelf where Suho's 'The Coffee and Caffeine'' AU novel was. The bookstore wasn't that crowded but I could see that most of the girls were buying Suho's novel. Wherever he is or however he's doing in Singapore, I hope he's fine.

I slowly took the sample copy from the shelf and opened the book...

'To my family, closest friends, university colleagues and Seohyun.'

I touched my name from the printed book as if I would feel anything embarked or embossed. But the letters of my name were nothing but type-written in ink.

Why did he have to include my name? Just... Why? Why when everything about us is just completely gone? Not even a blur. Not even a silhouette.

Suho's a good writer. He's beyond that J.K. Rowling or John Grisham that I really admire. He's just a reality of an author that I knew of. I should feel happy about having my name written on it, but I don't even know what to feel anymore.

Especially not when it has been weeks since I last talked to Kris.

And now it feels like a mortal sin to even think about him, moreover, I'm holding Suho's debut work.

 

''Come on, Kris... Buy it for me.'' A familiar voice whined like a baby... You know those kinds of babies that you just want to hold by their feet and throw them out the window.

''A Kim Joonmyun story? Seriously?'' That voice said. I can't believe I actually missed his voice. It’s not supposed to be this way. I wasn’t supposed to feel like I had lost something too important that even after having my name written on a published novel would not mean anything at all.

I could hear them talking behind where I was standing. I guess the bookstore’s crowded with this The Coffee and Caffeine that I had no place to hide myself from Kris. But I’m not yet ready to talk to him so thought I better leave the bookstore.

“Seohyun!” Great, just great. When I’m trying to keep myself away from Kris, somebody just called from a distance. I had no choice but to turn around. Kris and I caught glances but I looked away first. “I saw Suho’s sister earlier, she asked me to give you this.” It was one of my friends from the org that Suho and I joined before—it was about literary writing organization.

I could sense that Kris’s still looking at me while Jessica was still scanning the pages of Suho’s book from the shelf. I took what my friend handed me. “Oh, thanks.” I smiled at her.

“She said it’s from Suho. He sent you a copy of his novel from Singapore—so yeah, that’s a Singaporean printed one.”

“Really?” An uncontrolled smile crept up on my face. I always feel giddy when it comes to anything that is a printed book—I’m not a fan of ebooks. With the fact that this is a different copy from everyone else… I just felt happy—that fact that it was from Suho slipped off my head.

She smiled at me before leaving the bookstore. A shadow fell on me as I was looking at the book Suho sent.

Jessica.

“Omg! That’s just so cool!” Jessica reacted while looking at the book on my hands. I faked a smile—not that I did not like Jessica, it’s just awkward since she’s with Kris.

I couldn’t say anything as I avoided Kris.

“I saw the dedication on the first page. You guys are so cute together.” Jessica smiled again at me and he glanced at Kris, “Right, Kris? Isn’t it sweet for Suho to write his girl friend’s name—“

“She’s never his girl friend.” Kris suddenly said with a stern voice. Jessica frowned and I was actually surprised by what he said. First and foremost, he’s not in the place to say that for me. I can speak for myself. Secondly, he did not have to say it to Jessica. I can just smile the thought away.

I cleared my throat, “But Suho and I were really good friends.” But I said it facing Jessica. “Anyway, I still have a class so I’ll go ahead.”

 

 

My mind was flying to somewhere else during my next class until someone entered the room.  Stupid students, why come late?

“By the way class, this is Tao Huang from the other class. Their professor got really sick so he had to stop teaching and some of his students moved into different classes.” Our professor said. I caught a glimpse from him but I guess I’m not really interested to talk to him since he was seated two seats away from me.

 

“Hey, can I get your number?” This Huang asked me after class.

“Why?” I smiled in a friendly manner.

“We’re partners, remember?” He said. I just nodded and typed my number on his phone. It’s not like it’s going to harm me or anything. PLUS, I’m not in the right mood to piss off people. And he had a point. We’d be working in pairs all throughout the course so it shouldn’t bother me.

Tao looked decent as well. I don’t think he’ll even do something that would definitely disgust me to death. But anyhow, I’m not sure if he’s trustworthy. I get those vibes that… were simply odd to describe.

Nevertheless, he’s extremely good-looking and that’s something I couldn’t deny.

 

 

I was walking along the long pathway on my way to the dorm. Lots of school organizations were promoting their upcoming activities that I really don’t care about. Wouldn’t they all grow tired of this? Talking to people you do not personally know and asking them to attend this or that, giving out flyers and giving them again to the same person on the next day without even knowing it.

“Seohyun, I expect you to come, okay?” Luhan gave me a flyer. I just smiled at him. I knew I’d be seeing him for the whole week giving those flyers and I wouldn’t be surprised if I actually get one from him each day.

Luhan was an active member of the university’s official dance crew ever since we were first year college. He’s really good at it—maybe ten times better than Channing Tatum or any other lead artist of Step Up movies. I got to know him when I joined the survival audition of the dance crew—during the recruitment week when we were freshmen. The survival audition was like a second recruitment of the school year—for those who did not want to join the dance crew but eventually changed their minds during the middle of the school year, like me.

Luhan got in during the first auditions so he was already a member of the dance crew when I auditioned. We were given one month to come up with different dances based on a given theme. One by one, we were eliminated. Each of us were paired up with one of the crew’s members and I was originally paired up with Luhan.

He was cute and really gentleman. He’s a very nice person. He really had that unconditional dedication and passion for dancing. It was something that I admire about him.

He wanted to court me. But I refused because of Suho.

I started to get awkward with him from the day he admitted to me that he liked me. I always wanted to protect the love that I thought Suho and I shared.

If I actually gave Luhan a chance, who knows? We may be together until now. No Suho heartbreak, no Kris heartbreak. Just happiness with Luhan.

But it didn’t work that way and maybe there’s just a reason.

So I ended up being paired up with Kai, their crew’s president or something. I told him that it wasn’t working out well with Luhan because he’s just a freshman and that we weren’t really in good terms. Though Kai agreed, I thought it was too harsh of me and I was being unreasonable to change my partner so I ended up quitting the whole survival audition program—even if I was just two days away from the finals.

I almost made it to the dance crew—if only I did not quit.

 

After a few months, Luhan and I got in better terms. We weren’t exactly how close we were during the times of the survival audition but at least, we smiled to each other whenever we crossed paths.

Just like now.

 

 

“Luhan, I’m taking up my majors. I don’t stay late at school anymore.” By that, I meant I wouldn’t join any other activities of the dance crew anymore.

He started walking with me, though I know that by the end of the pathway, he wouldn’t be walking with me anymore for he had the duty to give flyers. “Just give it a try, Seohyun. You almost made it to the dance crew.”

I awkwardly smiled remembering how I quitted the auditions because of him. “I quitted before. I won’t do it again anymore.”

“This competition’s not just about dancing or disturbing your schedule.” Luhan started the advertising. “It’s about helping a dance crew member retain his position.”

I almost stopped walking when we reached the end of the pathwalk, “What do you mean?”

“Save the Last Dancer competition’s about saving a dance crew member.” Luhan looked a little sad, which wasn’t usual. I only saw that frown on his face when he received the news that I quitted. “The student government thought we were too many for a dance crew, and in order to retain the deserving dancers, we decided to risk it all and hold an event that would decide who to remain within the crew.”

“And you needed a partner? Just like a reverse audition?” I asked while clutching two books to my chest. He slowly nodded and forced a smile.

“But it’s okay, I just told myself to try dancing again with you. I’m fine if you won’t. I understand.” He smiled at me. “Anyway, tell Suho he did a great job with his novel.”

I was left with no words as his back slowly retreated and he went back giving out flyers.

 

 

A few days passed and I still did not talk to Kris—even if we had a class together. I just sit as far as I could from him. I did not care that much if others would notice that. We used to sit together before. But now, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jessica’s sitting in the class sometimes.

It’s good to see Kris being happy with Jessica. He wasn’t that lively when Jessica was not with him, especially when he was trying to move on. I’m honestly happy for him now. I’m just not as happy for myself.

I would always pass by the dance crew’s booth but Luhan would avoid looking at me. Sometimes, it was the other members who’d hand me flyers.

I need something to completely distract me.

From Suho, from Kris, from Luhan.

But Luhan himself was the only way I thought could help me out the most.

 

 

“Come with us Seohyun, let’s eat early dinner at Bulgogi Place.” Taeyeon was craving for Bulgogi Place’s chips but it wasn’t really a good place for me to be in since it’s located at the food court floor of Kris’s condominium.

“I gladly refuse.” I stuck out my tongue. “Just have dinner with Leeteuk, I wouldn’t like to be the third wheel for the nth time, okay?” I mockingly smiled at her.

Leeteuk suddenly came and took Taeyeon’s hand. “Fine, I hate you, Seohyun!” She shouted from afar but smiled after.

I waved goodbye to the both of them and smiled at the thought of how cute Taeyeon and Leeteuk were.

I glanced at my watch and saw it was nearly six in the evening. This day of the week was my latest dismissal. I hurried up to the pathwalk. Today’s the last day of the dance crew to promote Save the Last Dancer for the week.

But I was lucky enough to see Luhan fixing their booth.

 

Maybe forgetting the delusional love I felt for Kris would be easier than I thought. I had tried to find distractions to fill myself with. As much as possible, I avoided being alone. I only go back to the dorm to do my study for quizzes that need memorizations and to sleep. The rest of my time?

I spend it with my friends. Taeyeon, Sooyoung, Tiffany and Yoona would always be with me. We watch movies during our spare time or we visit the org that we all joined. I tried to live as if Kris did not exist. As if I did not know him at all. So I wouldn’t care if I see him, I wouldn’t react if we accidentally look at each other, I wouldn’t just be the first to surrender—that I couldn’t live without him at all.

Because I’m trying.

And I’ve been spending time with Luhan a lot. Taeyeon would sometimes get mad at me—telling me never to use other people just to forget someone. Or to name names, ‘don’t use Luhan to forget Kris’.

I’m not using Luhan. To be honest, I just wanted to find ‘the one’ in other people and I was just starting with Luhan. If it couldn’t be Kris, then it should be someone else.

Besides, I really wanted to help Luhan. He wanted dancing so much that I couldn’t take it myself if he would be kicked off the group. So there I was, trying to help him… agreed to dance again with him.

 

We had been spending our afternoons together after our classes to practice. Sometimes, we’d stay together until dinner and practice more after. That happened most of the time—except when I have school works to do. I really couldn’t understand Luhan—how could he sacrifice his time for school works just to practice? Was dancing that important to him?

I was on my shorts and closed-jacket and rubber shoes after Luhan and I practiced. The water bottle was on my hand while I hold the strap of my bag with my other hand. Luhan and I were talking about how mixed up our dance song was and we had to change it sooner to a more decent one. We were laughing about it on our way to eat dinner at Bulgogi Place—the once-so-special-place-turned-do-not-go-there-anymore place to eat. But sometimes, we crave for the food, and we couldn’t avoid the place anymore. What’s the catch with Bulgogi Place?

It was my favorite place to eat before—with Kris.

But this time, I did not care so I’d be eating there with Luhan.

His wet-look jacket was really eye-catching. Luhan always had those vibes of a dancer—I just noticed.

 

And I did not notice that Kris was there. No Jessica. He was just eating alone. As much as I wanted to sit across him and tell him about everything that we’d been missing from each others’ lives, I just couldn’t. I shouldn’t. Especially now that I was with Luhan.

Luhan went to the rest room as soon as we entered Bulgogi Place so I had to look for the vacant table by myself. The only problem was it was near Kris’s table. I thought I saw him working on some homeworks, maybe. And it reminded me when he helped me finish my papers before. I mentally smiled at myself, those were really good memories.

Good memories that hurt a lot right now.

I had no choice but to sit. I continued telling myself that I was here with Luhan and Kris shouldn’t bother me.

It seemed as if he was really busy working on those papers. I took the chance to fix my eyes on him… I must have had missed him a lot.

I was taken aback when he lifted his eyes and caught me staring at him. I leaned back and awkwardly looked away. I took my wallet from my bag and stood up to order by myself—though I should be waiting for Luhan before I order food.

I stood up but Kris called me back. In fact, he stopped me by my arm and I just did not want to make a scene so I turned to look at him. But I quickly put down my arm.

“How are you doing?” He asked me. He just friggin’ asked me that question, and I couldn’t believe it.

I looked away, “I’m fine. How about you?”

“I’m doing well too.” He answered. *crickets crickets*

“I guess you’re busy, huh?” I pointed at his table that was full of papers.

He looked at them too before turning back to me, “Yeah, it’s actually weird doing them alone.”

There were just some words that he’s not supposed to say, right? Those were included so I did not say anything. I got his point—we used to do things together before. Well maybe except for sleeping and taking a bath. Just how close were we before?

He cleared his throat, “So you went here alone? It’s been awhile since you visited this place. I was usually here. Just like the old times—“

“Seohyun, did you—“ Luhan stopped midway when he saw Kris standing before me. He and Kris stared at each other for a few seconds before I broke in.

“Oh, Kris, meet Luhan, Luhan, he’s Kris—like everybody actually knows him, you know.” I chuckled. Both of them were just silent.

“And he’s your?” Kris asked. What the hell was wrong with him?

“He’s my friend—“

“Back from our freshmen year, we were already friends.” Luhan added. He actually cut me off. “By the way, Kris, have you heard of the Save the Last Dancer?”

Kris nodded, “The Dance Crew’s upcoming program?”

“Cool.” Luhan turned to me, “Seohyun, you should invite him to watch you perform.”

I looked down, it wasn’t going well. And I did not see this coming. Luhan elbowed me so I slowly looked up at Kris, “Well, if you’ve got time, you know…” I stuttered.

“S-sure. I’ll come to watch you.” Kris, you did not just say that.

“That’s nice. You know, Seohyun and I have been practicing a lot—“

“Luhan, can you order for me first? I’ll pay you later.” I looked at him and I knew he got my point. He smiled a little and went to the counter.

 

Kris somehow looked so confused, and a little sad. Or maybe he was just stressed about his papers. He walked back to his seat and did not say anything anymore which confused me more because first, he came up to me and started conversing with me and second, he walked away just like that.

I pulled the chair across him and sat there, my hands were on my lap, clasped together. This wasn’t the picture-perfect that I imagined when I would talk to Kris after moving on. Because right now, I still haven’t.

“Uhm, Kris, you know Luhan.” I started.

“Of course, I know him. You told me about him before.” He did not look up.

“I was just trying to help him stay with the dance crew.” I said as Kris did not react. He continued scribbling words on the paper. “You don’t have to come and watch, you know. He was just trying to find something to say.”

“And he just had to say that?” He finally looked up. “What, did you let him court you this time?”

It was as if my tongue was stuck in my throat for a moment.

“That’s just stupid, Seohyun. You dumped him before and now you get back together?” He shook his head. “No offense, but I don’t like Luhan for you.”

Did I ever like Jessica for Kris? Weren’t his words more fitted for himself?

It’s funny how only Kris could break my heart with just words.

 

Over and over again. And I couldn’t do anything to protect my heart.

 

“It’s alright.” I lied. “I knew you would never like him.”

“But why did you still—“

“But I like him, Kris.” With that, I stood up and followed Luhan to the counter.

 

 

That night, what I said wasn’t completely a lie. I like Luhan. He’s very much qualified to be a boyfriend. The only problem was I did not like him romantically. Or maybe because I was still blinded by the love that I felt for Kris.

When will my heart understand enough?

It was the last practice that Luhan and I would have because tomorrow would be the competition.

For the verses, since it was all rap, we decided to put a heavy and fast choreo, some were alternating steps. The chorus was a mix of hip hop and contemporary dances. I really admired how good and interactive the dance turned out.

Luhan was teaching me the chorus part and polishing a few steps. There was a part where he was behind me and I glide my right foot to a half circle and did the alternate step which was quite the same as mine.

“Move a little closer here, then you do the next step with a little jump.” He instructed me. I nodded and we danced it again. He guided me by holding my waist. When I had to spin around thrice, his grip moved to my hands. It was a relief that he was guiding me every step, it’s for him anyway—to stay with the crew—so he was making sure I’d do well.

After the second spin, I was quite surprised when he stopped me. “Oh, did I do it wrong? I’m sorry, let’s do it again—“ I did not notice he was looking at me intently and the next thing I felt was his lips touching mine. His hands from mine slipped down do my waist and pulled me closer to him. The music already faded in the background. I felt his body against mine, I did not notice my eyes slowly shut and I wasn’t sure if I was kissing him back but I just let him kiss me. It was my first actual kiss.

Until Kris’s face flashed in my mind. And the music came back to life and reality hit me.

 

I quickly pulled back and removed Luhan’s hands on my waist. I breathed for air, realizing what I had done. What he had done. What had just happened.

I quickly walked towards my bag and slung it on my shoulder. I made my way towards the door to leave but Luhan called me back. “I’m sorry, Seohyun. I didn’t mean to—“

“That was my first kiss, Luhan. A real one.” I could almost feel tears heating up my eyes for some reasons that I couldn’t figure out. It’s not because of happiness, that’s for sure.

“And I thought it would be good to receive it from someone who loves you.” He said. “I’m sorry, Seohyun, I really didn’t mean to.”

I pursed my lips, “I just thought it would be better to receive it from the person I love.”

 

 

Taeyeon helped me prepare before the competition. It was very awkward having Luhan around, waiting for my light make-up to be done. He was leaning on the dressed with his arms crossed. I could see he was contemplating on how to appropriately approach me.

After fixing my hair, though it was just fell down on my back, Taeyeon did not want to leave me alone with Luhan. She knew what happened. She wasn’t my best friend for nothing. But I gave her a reassuring nod that I could handle Luhan.

As I predicted, Luhan moved closer to me. “I’m really sorry, Seohyun.” He said. I saw his reflection on the mirror of the dresser.

“It’s alright now, Luhan.” I faced him. “I wouldn’t tell you to just forget about it or act as if it didn’t happen.” Because those were stupid rejection lines, and I didn’t want to live in guilt if I break Luhan’s heart for the second time. I squeezed his hand, “Let’s just focus on the dance, on our dance.” I told him before our names were called from the stage.

The dance went well and I was glad Luhan remained with the other dance crew members. I also felt sad for those who were moved to minor dance groups of the university. You couldn’t just move into other orgs because you were rooted from a certain one.

But that’s how life goes.

 

But is this how life goes for me?

 

Will I ever move on from Kris?

 

 

“Hey, congratulations.” I was surprised to see Kris greeting Luhan. Seriously, it’s shocking. So did that mean he actually watched?

They exchanged more conversations until Paul called Luhan. I gave him a nod and was really happy for him. So there goes the dead air between me and Kris.

“You were cool.” Kris acknowledged my presence. Well, thank you. “You were amazing.”

I was amazing… but clearly not enough to be loved back by you. Right, Kris Wu? “Thanks. I did not expect you to come.” I just had to play it cool.

“Luhan invited me, you know that.” Kris said. “You and Luhan have that chemistry onstage.” Now he approves Luhan? Was that supposed to make me happy or not? “Do you happen to really like Luhan?”

He finally asked. In a serious tone. With sincere eyes but I wasn’t sure if they were hurting. “Luhan’s a nice person. He’s amazing. But just like me, he’s not enough to make the person he loves fall for him.”

Awkward. Why did I ing say that. Especially when I’m trying to keep myself away from Kris.

“Seohyun-ah! You were really good!!!” Taeyeon suddenly came and embraced me. Good heavens, thanks for saving me. “Both of you danced as if he did not steal your first kiss!”

“Taengoo!” I hissed. “You don’t have to mention—“

“Mention what?” Kris interrupted. For a second, Taeyeon realized what she just did.  “What did Luhan do?”

I looked at Taeyeon before looking back at Kris, “It's not a big deal—“

“You gave him your first kiss?”

Taeyeon stepped aside, she sensed it was going to be another argument between me and Kris. And I don’t want to get mad at her for slipping those words from . She’s my best friend after all, and I knew her ways. It was just normal for her to blurt things out.

“He took it.” Because it just happened.

Kris shook his head, sometimes… I really couldn’t understand him anymore. Why did he care? Did he? “I don’t get you, Seohyun. I just don’t anymore.”

“I should be the one saying that.” I said, tears started blurring my eyes. “At one point, you despise Suho, on the second one, you hate Luhan.” I sighed, “We were good friends, Kris. What happened to us? Did you ever want me to be happy?”

“I always wished for your happiness, Seohyun.”

“But did you also wish for my happiness not to be Suho and Luhan? Kris, you’re really confusing and controlling sometimes when we’re not even together!” Taeyeon stepped closer to me and rubbed my arms.

Kris fell silent until he finally spoke, “Because there are times when it comes to me that even if Suho and Luhan are good enough for you, I could be better.”

That’s when the first tear escaped from my eye. I quickly wiped it away. Those were the words that I didn’t know how to take in—were they good or not so good words?

“But seeing you with Jessica, don’t you think you’re the best for her?” I muttered before turning away from him and walking away with Taeyeon by my side.

 

It has finally come to me that I cannot just forget Kris—especially when he admitted, that for once, he thought we could be.

The only difference from my perspective was that I always thought we could be.

 

Even until now.

 

 

 

Our college held an open party. It’s something I ought to attend—for so many reasons. I just really had to drink. I want to cleanse my head and get rid of worries and all these problems. I couldn’t take them all at once.

Especially that I finished reading Suho’s novel and it was directed to me. The Coffee and Caffeine was about a girl who fell in love with a guy but she loved her work and studies so much that she was willing to give him up. She had always believed in destiny that the guy would not be the last one on earth. She was really studious and she always stayed up studying at a certain coffee shop. At the end, she met up again with the guy, saying: I’m sorry we can’t be together.

The exact words he told me before.

He just reversed the situation in order not to make it obvious. He also put some twists and other fillers. But basically, it was his message telling me his side of not being able to love me more than he did.

Though I had moved on from Suho before because Kris happened, it still stung a bit.

I was really a mess lately. My first kiss stolen, the unending argument with Kris, and the ing novel Suho wrote.

Will I ever be fine? I thought college would always just be about studying.

 

“You look so tired. Is there something bothering you?” Luhan sat beside me on the bar. It was quite noisy as the music and the people fight for domination of noises.

I wanted to say he was part of what was bothering me. “Nothing important.” I lied.

“Cheers then.” Our glasses touched and we took the shot together. Luhan and I shared some stories—we were practically back to being just normal friends. It was perfect until someone held my wrist when I was about to drink another shot.

“You’re drinking again?”

Kris.

Oh, was he that dumb to notice what I was doing?

“Oh, hi Wu.” I greeted. I still offered Luhan a drink and gulped my shot. “You should join us.” Though I’d prefer him to take that sarcastically.

“You shouldn’t be drinking, Seohyun. Come on, let’s get you home.” He started pulling me to stand up. Who was he kidding?

“Hey, dude. Keep it cool. We were just drinking and having fun. Leave her be.” Luhan patted Kris’s shoulder. I gave Luhan a smile.

“I’m sorry but you already stole her first kiss, I’m afraid you’d take another first from her.” Kris said.

What happened next was a blur.

 

Luhan and Kris started fighting and some of the guys tried stopping them. My feet felt they were pinned on the ground. I couldn’t move an inch.

“You need to stay away from Seohyun, Luhan!” Kris shouted.

“Why?! Are you her father?! You’re not her boyfriend, both of you stopped being friends as well!” Luhan shouted back. That was something I did not like. He didn’t have the right to step between the friendship that Kris and I shared. He just wasn’t at the right place to say those words.

Kris was about to throw another punch on Luhan but his team mates pulled him back—something I was glad happened. I recognized Sehun from his team mates, he was the youngest and closest to Kris. Luhan shook his head and glared at Kris before leaving the scene. The party resumed as music blasted once again—leaving no remains of what had just happened.

I just don’t want Kris to be the talk of the town once again. He’s an athlete and he deserves something better in his life other than being talked about and being rumored. He’s an athlete and I don’t want his coach to be scolding at him.

I stood there astounded. I looked at Kris who was wiping the blood off the cut on his lips.

Will he ever stop confusing my feelings toward him? Why does his action contradict his decision? He’s in a relationship with Jessica yet he shows something more for me. That’s just wrong.

I wanted to approach him and caress his face and make sure he’s just fine.

But before I could even take a step towards him, Jessica entered the scene. She held his face and checked his wounds and bruises. It was her obligation as his girlfriend.

But it still makes me feel so bad about myself. One, I can’t do those things to Kris. Second, I’m not his girlfriend. Third, I still wish I could be.

 

I expected Jessica to tend Kris’s wounds but to my surprise, he just walked away. Maybe he was really in a bad mood.

“Seohyun-shi?” Someone brought me back to my senses. “Go and follow Kris-hyung. The two of you need to talk.” It was Sehun. He gave me a nod before he disappeared into the crowd.

 

The party was starting to look overcrowded and I felt suffocated. I took the elevator down to the ground floor to get some air. As I was walking, I saw Luhan inside the convenience store, tending his bruises.

I entered the convenience store and sat beside Luhan on one of the chairs. He just put a band aid over his cut. “He did not actually hurt me, his punches were light.” He chuckled.

I could see he was telling the truth. Luhan’s face was really clean. It was as if he just got a cut for being clumsy or something. “Don’t feel guilty about it, Seohyun. We’re men and you know, things happen this way.”

I still couldn’t find the right words to say. I just took his hand and squeezed it. He nodded and stood up, “I’m going back to the party. Wanna come?”

I shook my head, “I think I still need some air. Go ahead, I’ll just follow.” I said and Luhan headed outside.

Maybe I should have been feeling a little dizzy because I already drank too much but because of what happened, I still feel completely sane. And I wish I was just drunk so I’d fall asleep somewhere and forget things.

 

I found myself standing before Kris’s unit. I’m not even sure if Kris’s inside but this is where my heart brought me.

I was still having second thoughts if I should press the door bell or I should just barge in since I know his password—if he didn’t change it. But I ended up knocking.

I bit my lip when I just did knock because I thought that was very stupid of me. however, to my surprise, the door opened.

Kris was holding an ice compress and I could see he was kind of beaten badly. I did not wait for both of us to find our voices to say something. I just shoved him aside and entered his room. I knew what I was doing, and it was for Kris.

Maybe for one last time, I just like to tend his wounds and care for him. Even just for tonight. Just tonight.

 

Silence filled the atmosphere. Only the dubbing of q-tips on his lips could even be heard. He flinched a bit at first so I decided to slowly touch it for his cuts to heal. I did not look into his eyes.

Part of me was afraid to fall for him even deeper when I just decided to move on.

Anyone can fall in love with the eyes.

That’s something proven tonight—when he stop me from tending his wounds by holding my wrist and I had no other choice but to look at him. That’s when I noticed our faces were too close to each other so I stepped back to give both of us wider space.

 

 

Only God knows how much I missed him.

 

There went my guards—down.

 

“You should’ve punched Luhan harder.” I said, just to give a lighter mood.

He chuckled in return—well at least it was an indication that he’s alright. “I cannot hurt anyone that’s close to your heart.” That explains why Luhan only had a single cut on his lips. Kris has a bigger muscular body than Luhan but he was more beaten up than the dancer.

Well, at least protect yourself, Kris. I cannot protect you anymore, Wu. I can’t even protect my own heart.

“I know it’ll hurt you more.” Kris added. “But I cannot tolerate Luhan’s closeness to you anymore.”

“Why? He’s my friend, he should be a friend to you too.”

“I guess I just can’t.”

Stop speaking in haiku, Kris. I cannot always read your mind. We should stop playing a guessing game. Especially when I’m looking for answers. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“I mean, can I get an honest answer from you?” To avoid speaking in haikus myself. He just nodded so I’m betting half of my life that he won’t actually be telling the truth. But I’d take the chance. “Why do you do these things?”

He looked away—not the kind of answer I was expecting.

“You’re back with Jessica for quite some time now, Kris.” I continued, “Am I not allowed to find my own happiness if it can’t be with you?”

“I just don’t think it’s either Suho or Luhan for you—“

“Then who?” I cut him off. “Who should it be? I’m so tired of trying to figure it out why my life had to depend on your decisions, Kris.” I sighed, “I feel sorry for myself whenever reality hits me that you’re happy and I’m not. You’re with Jessica and I’m basically with no one. And when I try to be with someone, you just always happen to stop me.”

“Are you implying that it can be Jessica but not you?” He asked.

Yes, Kris. So let’s stop speaking in foreign languages.

“If it’s not me, Kris, just stop making me feel like it can be me.” I said, “As much as possible, I don’t want to feel loved when I’m really not.”

“But I love you.” He said. I feel like I should have recorded every argument that we had and see if he's valid this time. "I know I was wrong before but--"

Kris’s words weren’t given a chance to sink into me because we heard a crashing sound of a bottle or something against the floor. Kris and I looked at the direction where the sound came from and saw Jessica standing with cotton and I don’t know, first aid kit, with her hands. The medicine bottle fell on the floor and was shattered into countless pieces.

Kris and I both stood up and were surprised to see Jessica inside the room. Jessica looked away before walking out of the room. Kris looked at me and he was very worried. “Just… follow her, Kris. I’m not here to stop you, I’m only here to—“

Kris just took my second kiss. It happened too fast, and it was all so sudden. This wasn’t my idea of a romantic kiss but this was the exact feeling—being kissed by the person you love. The sparks that lit up and how the surroundings eventually faded to black. One of his hands cupped my cheek. Before the kiss could go deeper, he pulled back and our foreheads were pressed together.

“Just let me talk to her, I’ll be back.”

 

When Kris came back, I quickly stood up. I wasn’t sure if I should ask him what happened or how the talk-with-Jessica went. So what came out from my mouth…

“I should go to back to my dorm. It’s kind of late.” I said. I fixed my bag and took it when I suddenly felt Kris’s arms around my waist. He kissed my temple.

“Just stay, I won’t let you walk alone in the middle of the night.” He plainly said as he headed to the bathroom.

 

I wasn’t sure how it happened. And that it was actually possible to happen.

Waking up with a smile on my face and seeing Kris waiting for me outside the dorm so we’d be going to school together… walking along the campus with our hands intertwined… eating meals together… everything was just too perfect, I can’t believe dreams could actually come true.

One afternoon, I took my phone but just like the usual it was battery-drained. I found myself walking towards the payphone to call Kris. When I got there, somebody was actually using it.

Turns out, it was Kris. We chuckled at each other, finding ourselves at the same payphone. He pulled me inside and pinched my nose.

“A common place, huh?” Kris said before leaning and locking his lips with mine.

“Uhm, excuse me.” Someone cleared his throat. “May I use the payphone?” Kris and I awkwardly parted. I thought the person looked familiar—Huang Zi Tao?