You know, I don’t really know what is a biual, or a homoual when I was a kid—I don’t even know what my gender is, well I guess I know I am a girl, but it just felt so wrong. I don’t really know—I just don’t feel like being a girl at all. I know it sound so weird, but it just… I’m just happier acting a little boyish than being a girly girl at all.

It all started when I was a kid, when kindergarten started. I started to like this girl in my class. It felt weird at first—because SHE IS A GIRL, and I AM A GIRL. I don’t know—it’s not really my fault that I find her cute when she smile, and like she’s pretty smart which I truly admire her.

Wait, isn’t it wrong to like a girl? I’m pretty confused. I remember my mom said that I AM A GIRL, and I HAVE TO WEAR DRESS. Truth to tell, I don’t like wearing those dress, I feel SO uncomfortable, but like I can complain. I was just a kid back then, and I usually just go with the flow. If my mom wants me to wear it, fine. If she wants me to eat this, I will. If she wants me to sleep, I sleep. I guess that’s how life it is when you’re still small.

I remember when we went to the Mall to buy some clothes for a party we were going, it was a reunion as of what I heard. We went to the girl’s wear, and there were some dresses there. Almost 90% of the clothes were dress, and you know me.  It’s just not my thing. I can see my mom getting impatient, we’re already walking around the department store for almost an hour, and her face is really irritated.

“Did you already find something that interests you, dear?” her voice had somehow a hint of irritation, and if I was on her shoes, I would probably be irritated as well. Imagine walking for almost half an hour, probably her feet was pretty tired now.

I didn’t responded, feeling a little shy and all. I shook my head slightly, putting my best pouting face, and pretending to look away, making her feel that I AM NOT INTERESTED AT ALL IN ANY WAY. If only I can say to her that I REALLY WANNA WEAR A BAGGY PANTS AND THAT CUTE BATMAN TSHIRT WE MANAGED TO PASS BY, but I can’t. I’m too shy to tell, I can see my sister getting impatient as well.

My mom sighed heavily, “Fine.” She mumbled, before holding my tiny hand lightly and pulled me along with her, we were walking away from the department store but as soon as we were about to walk out completely, she shifted her direction to the right side, and my eyes lit up. Imagine a kid’s first time in a candyland—that’s how I look, I grinned so widely and I didn’t hesitated but to run to the certain direction we were heading—The boys wear.

I couldn’t help but to grin—and the shy Amber became the opposite. I was dragging my mom with me, and I saw my sister’s laughing at me. Well like I care, I pointed at my mom the pants I wanted, and the shirt—I can’t even choose which one should I get. The black shirt, or the beige one? There was a cargo short that really really suits my taste, and it’s on 6 pocket! I clasped my hands, before going to a certain polo I saw. It was –like one of those on military. It looks really cool, and I grabbed it from the side. I faced back, looking at my mom who was slightly chuckling. I swear she was chuckling and giggling at me—her annoyed face suddenly disappeared, but why was she chuckling at me? I shyly walked over to her, and gave the polo.

“You should’ve said from the start that you want to pick here, Amber.” She said, bending down as she ruffled my hair. She shook her head, and chuckled more before taking the polo I handed and she went to the cashier. I clasped my hand together, skipping as I followed her. I glanced at my sister, she was laughing—I just rolled my eyes. Why are these people laughing at me—but anyway. At least I got what I wanted. I am so happy.

It all started at that day, my mom noticed I wasn’t wearing those dress and skirt she gave me after I learned how to say no and just show my tantrums—so they wouldn’t let me wear those girly clothes at all. I guess she realized it’s such a waste to buy clothes that your daughter wouldn’t even wear—so after that day, she started to give me boy’s clothes rather than those girly clothes and dresses with polka dots that she usually give me. If she really felt like it, sometimes she even buy a sandals and a head band that have the same design with the dress which is errr. I would just show her my grimaced face, almost telling her ‘yuck’, or ‘ewww’.

Christmas came, I always walk out of my room and open presents that were on the living room, as I walked out of my room (well I was sleeping in my parent’s room so not my room at all), there I saw a huge—present. I got excited and run up to it, I didn’t even managed to check the red socks on our door room as I got too excited, I opened the present so fast and guess what it is? A FAMILY COMPUTER! I screamed so hard—and I’m assuming my parents knew what was happening as they went out of the room smiling, I walked over to my mom, hugging her tight. “Thanks mom.” I smiled at her, before walking over to the gift.

“Let me set it up.” My dad said as he walked over to me and grabbed the console. I walked after him to the television as he set it up. I can saw my sister walking over to me. “What’s that?” she asked, “Family computer!” I exclaimed, she rolled her eyes, I do have the feeling she’s quite jealous. “Let me try it!” she exclaimed happily after, and so we played it. She picked the game ‘battle city’, and she does seemed so good at it. How the hell did that happened.

“I was playing this game at my friend’s house.” She was clearly a mind reader, as she answered my question. I just nodded, and continued playing with her. If it wasn’t for her probably our base was already ruined and destroyed. I even accidentally hit her with the bullet. She was clearly irritated after a few tries.

“I am so not gonna play this game with you, I’m outta here.” She left the controller beside me as she walked out. Is it my fault that I’m not good at this game? But it was a good thing, I could play it by myself and explore every games it has. I started playing random games, but the best that I played was ‘elevator action’. Well that was in my opinion, but my mom—really loved that ‘magic jewelry’ and ‘super mario’. I don’t find it amusing at all, well I like playing super Mario but like I only got to level 3.. Was that level 3, I forgot but it was something that has some flying monsters. Nevermind.

Along with the elevator action, I loved playing circus Charlie. I don’t know, I just find it amusing. I always see my sister playing with my older cousins, mostly battle city. I can even catch them awake and playing around 5 in the morning, they are so addicted to that game which I don’t find amusing at all. What’s so amusing with guarding that base and killing those tanks. I just find it frustrating. They also play Mario brothers, well I do find it amusing but I don’t have anyone to play it with me cause my sister find me annoying and she says I .