I try to move my hands to touch my stomach, but I can’t. My babies. Where are they? Imaginary tears start to flow down my cheeks. I have failed as a mom. Kim Kibum, I’m sorry I’ve failed you. 

 

“Mommy hopes you are safe. I’m sorry I can’t be beside you right now.” I whispered as more invisible tears starts pouring out.

 

 

I remember the first time you knew I’m pregnant. You were excited. You jumped joyfully, screaming and laughing at the same time. You can’t stop smiling, grinning like a maniac. You hug me tightly, almost choking me. You kiss me continuously saying ‘thank you’ over and over again and showered me with your love. I miss those times.

 

 

Every night, you will lay your ear against my belly, trying to listen to our babies, detect any movements, any communications. You will hum some songs with your angelic voice while my belly softly. You said, this will calms the babies. You will talk to them, whispers to them, sometimes giggle childishly when they respond with a kick. Before going to sleep, you always hug me, humming softly at my ears, coaching me to sleep. And when I wake up, I’ll find you sleeping soundly next to me while hugging me tightly. Your chin resting on my shoulder perfectly. I can still remember your stinky morning breath. And i would always pushed you away, saying that your breath makes me feel queasy and makes me wanna to throw up. I wish i could rewind the time, and i'll pull you closer, snuggling up beside you. i won't mind smelling your morning breath everyday.

 

 

You were very protective of me. Over protective I could say. You don’t let me do any work at all. Not even a single tiny work. Heck, if you could, you didn’t even want me to get out of bed. Thank God that did not happen. Or I would kill you by now.

 

 

You were so worried if something happen to me and our babies. I get so fed up and pissed a lot of times. You know I’m not the type to sit down quietly watching others do something. I hate being passive. I sulked and yelled, throwing tantrums, but you ignore them. One single bit of them. You don’t give in easily this time.

 

 

Every time you gave me that stare and nagged me when you saw me doing some work, I felt like yanking your eyeballs out and kicking you in the balls. But of course I didn’t. I’m a nice woman. A very kind and nice lady-like person. I’ve build up that reputation for a long time, and I wouldn’t want to ruin them for an loving husband like you. 

 

 

You bear with me when I’m having my mood swings. I would yelled at you suddenly without any specific reason, and you still have that stupid addicting smile plastered on your face and I’ll be smiling the next second. I wish I could see your smile again, Kibum. I want to open my eyes and stare at that silly smile forever. I try to wake up Kibum, but I can’t. I really can’t…

 

 

It has been 8 months since I first found out about my pregnancy. We were happy. Excited to welcome our babies to the world. Everything had been prepared. The babies’ room were filled with cradles, toys, stuffed animals. We prepared everything specially for you kids.

 

 

We thought nothing could ever go wrong. Nothing could ever take our happiness away. Nothing could destroy our life. How wrong we are… that night.. that dreadful night changes everything.

 

 

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