There’s a soft knock on my door before I saw my mother peeking inside my room. She gave me a small smile as she said, “You have to get up now. You’ll still be working on that playground graffiti, right?”

I nodded at my mother as I sighed heavily upon remembering that commission.

For my stay here in Jeonju, Mom encouraged me to work in the café to help her and even accept the playground commission so my mind would be occupied. She didn’t like how I was already sobbing when she opened the door. She most especially couldn’t stand how I was in such a depressive mood the very moment I stepped into our house in Jeonju. The commission was what she highly suggested I do.

There wasn’t much I could do either so I accepted.

“Why don’t you prepare to head out. Do you want me to help you carry your materials?”

I shook my head.

“Okay…”

I rubbed my palms on my face to wake myself up. Then I reached for my glasses on the nightstand before kicking the sheets and pushing myself out of bed.

“Whee?”

I glanced at my mother who was still lingering by my bedroom door.

“There’s someone outside for you”

She didn’t elaborate more before giving me some privacy and closed my bedroom door.

Like I even care at this point so whoever was outside waiting for me, they have to wait some more. I went to the bathroom for a painstakingly long shower. It’s wonderful to be under running cold water. It wakes me up and numbs me down at the same time. Goosebumps erupted all over my body and I still stayed under the shower. Only when I was unbearably shivering did I finally turn the shower off and wrapped a towel around myself.

I dressed in my paint clothes; the clothes that were so stained with different mediums of color, they couldn’t be washed off anymore. I packed the spray cans I needed and tucked my guide in the bag, hefted it on my shoulder, and went to the kitchen. I braided my hair on my way out and lifted the foldable ladder I left right by our front door.

Mom prepared coffee for me, which I drank in a single shot. I stole an apple from the fruit bowl and told my mother goodbye who was just watching me carefully from the living room.

I forgot about my mother saying that there was someone waiting outside for me. Only remembered when I was already face to face with that said someone. And it’s the last person I expected to see right now.

“Good morning.” She sounded far less confident than I knew of her.

I only stared at her, wondering why she’s here at this time.

She sighed heavily and took a tentative step closer to me. “I know you wanted to spend some time apart… I understand that but… You left this at my place”

She handed me a paper bag which I only looked at. Seeing that I wasn’t moving, she dug inside the bag to show the contents.

“Your socks and beanies are here”

“They’re yours” I answered, my voice small.

“My gifts to you. They’re yours now.” She placed the bag right beside my leg before taking a step back. “I also wanted to make sure that you arrived safely. I went to your apartment but you weren’t there. I only realized now that you went here”

I continued to stare at her.

There was a thick air that wrapped around us, which was not there since I remembered. It didn’t make me feel awkward but I could see that she was awkward. It's just there. It’s present. I could feel it. I’m probably too numb to be affected by it.

“Are you heading out? Let me drive you”

I shook my head, making her frown.

“I will just drive you there. I will not even bother you afterwards. Please…”

I could see the desperation in her eyes. I think she’ll try to convince me otherwise even if I said no repeatedly and so I just nodded. I really didn’t have the energy to fight against anything. It’s easier to accept when I really don’t want to do anything other than rolling in my bed.

“Thank you” she said in relief. “Let me help you.” She grabbed both my bags of spray cans and placed them in the trunk of her car then helped me with the ladder as well. “What about your gifts? Are you just going to leave them there?”

I sighed heavily and grabbed the bag. I placed the bag by the doorway inside the house before glancing at her.

“Okay…” Satisfied, she opened the passenger seat door and waited for me to get in. “Shall we head out?”

I was thinking of going to the backseat but again, I didn’t have the energy to contradict anything right now. So I went inside the passenger seat and did my seatbelt. I gazed outside the windshield and stayed quiet in my seat.

I heard the driver seat door closing and the engine roaring but we stayed by my house’s driveway.

“Where are we heading?”

Instead of answering her question, I went to her dashboard and typed the location. I’ve been in this car so many times that I have memorized which buttons to tap for the GPS even when the language is in English.

“Okay…”

The drive was quiet and it helped not make things awkward with the destination just a three-minute drive away from my house.

I didn’t wait for her to open the door for me. And I went straight to the car trunk to grab my bags.

She was on my side in a flash and grabbed the second bag. She walked with me to the playground. She saw me dropping the bag in front of the wall in a local playground. She dropped the second bag of spray paints and the ladder beside me.

I geared up. I remove my glasses in order to wear my respirator. I fit my glasses and adjusted my mask.

I already painted the wall in white and had a layout of dimensions as my guide. When the paint got dried, I was able to finish adding the outlines. I’m drawing dinosaurs because I remembered Jihoon loves drawing dinosaurs.

“I guess I should leave you to work”

Oh, she’s still here. I thought she had already left. Ah but now, she has left already.

I started coloring the background and left the parts where the dinosaurs are supposed to be. The detailed parts should be left out last so right now there’s just white shapes of dinosaurs all over the wall.

I was almost over the background when it started drizzling. I automatically stopped painting and started gathering all my paint cans in the bag. I have to act fast or else my paint would be wet. It wouldn’t retain its quality anymore.

As for the wall, the paint is almost dry. It says in the forecast that there will only be drizzle so I didn’t mind covering the wall anymore. But then suddenly, the drizzle turned into rain drops and I pouted at my newly painted wall.

I grabbed some tarp in my bag of spray cans and some tape. I unrolled the tarp in front of the wall and then moved the ladder on one end of the wall. It was harder to see now since my glasses have caught droplets of water, blocking my vision.

And then all of a sudden, there was an umbrella on top of my head, shielding me from the rain. My eyes dragged from the hand holding the umbrella to the face of its owner. There was a look of guilt on her face as she frowned at me.

“I couldn’t leave you knowing that it’ll rain,” she said.

I blinked, taken aback that she’s still here. All this time, she was still here. I thought she had left already.

“It will rain harder soon so we better move,” she urged while I nodded at her.

I taped the tarp on the wall while making sure that the tape wasn’t on the paint. She helped me transfer the ladder somewhere in the middle so I could tape the center of the tarp. Then I sealed it from everyone’s eyes and protected it from the rain with a tape at the other end of the tarp.

“Now, come down”

She laced her arm around my thighs, ready to lift me up.

I had no choice but to hold onto her shoulders and let her carry me off the ladder. And she did this while still holding the umbrella on top of us. I think it was her excuse because it ended with me standing toe-to-toe with her while her arm was locked around my waist.

We had quite a stare down. There was sadness that was still somewhat ever-present in her eyes from what I remembered when I left her in her place. There’s a little hope and determination too.

She leaned her forehead on mine as she closed her eyes while I was stuck frozen at how close we were.

“Whee…” she whispered, my name so painfully leaving in between her lips. “Wheein-ah”

It’s as if the way she agonizingly said my name unhinged the numbness I felt and opened the flood of pain I so carefully suppressed. I closed my eyes and let the tears fall down my cheeks.

“Wheein… You said you love me. And I love you too. I love you so much, Whee—”

“I do. I love you with all my heart” I said, stopping her. I held onto her shirt, needing to prevent myself from being carried away from our clashing emotions. “I love you wholeheartedly, genuinely, unconditionally. Isn’t that how we’re supposed to love?”

She reached to cup my cheek but stopped when she saw me back away a little bit. She frowned at me, eyes blinking back tears.

“It might seem foolish but it’s for the person we consider very important to us, right?”

She shook her head. “No. I completely understand”

I searched for her eyes. I know she does.

Hers searched mine, silently trying to figure out what I’ll say next. There’s fear, longing, desperation and sadness in her eyes that I could see.

“Wheein… Stay with me” she whispered softly. Barely there but still audible. “Please… I can’t afford being far away from you. Having this distance. Let me prove to you that I really, really ing love you”

I smiled at her, though we both knew it didn’t reach my eyes. I still looked at her and tried my best to smile through the sadness. “I know. I love you but that love will never be greater than the love I have for myself, unnie. I can’t let myself stay. You know that”

“Give me a chance”

I shook my head.

“Please…”

I cupped her cheeks and she instantly melted on my palms as she leaned onto my warmth. “This is for the best. We both know it’s not working. We need time apart. If you want to keep Gabby, that’s fine but I can’t stay with you if that’s the case. I can’t compete. I don’t want to compete. Do you understand?”

She wanted to fight hard against me but she chose otherwise. She nodded while I wiped her tears as she cried harder and let her emotions be free. “I’m sorry. I’m just… You’re right. I’m sorry, baby”

The endearment still never loses its power.

“It’s alright”

“Can I hug you? I don’t know if I can ever do this again so I thought…”

I nodded and let go of her shirt to circle my arms around her waist.

She held me close too. She hugged me as tightly as humanly possible while we breathed in each other.

I think it’s a must-have conversation. This one.

I don’t know what will happen to us in the future. I don’t know if there will ever be a time that we can be together. I don’t know if there will be a chance for us after this breakup. But having to understand our position and why we can’t continue despite our love for each other, it’s enough to let each other go.

It’s painful. There’s no breakup that isn’t. But it’s much lighter than our confrontation at her house.

“Are you staying in Jeonju or will you be driving back to Seoul?” I mumbled against her shoulder.

“I’m driving back to Seoul”

“Okay… Leibeun can’t help you if it rains harder. You better go while the road is still visible”

She held onto me much harder. “Just one more minute”

“Okay”

I allowed myself to melt in her arms and imprint the feeling of being this close to her. I don’t think I can ever have this again so I shall savor it until the end.

“Unnie, you have to go. It’s starting to rain harder”

“One more minute?”

“Unnie…”

“Sorry. I’ll drive you back to your place”

I was about to decline but she gave me a pointed look that said I couldn’t.

“It’s really along the way. I can’t leave you carrying all your things under this rain”

“Okay. Thank you, unnie”

“Here.” She handed the umbrella to me before she lifted the foldable step ladder. Then she also grabbed a bag of spray cans and handed it to me. “Can you carry this while holding the umbrella?”

“Sure”

She carried the other bag of spray cans before we slowly headed to her car and dumped my things in her trunk. She grabbed the umbrella from me and walked me to the passenger seat. And then she rounded the car to get inside the driver seat.

The drive wasn’t as suffocating and numbing as before. We really needed that unexpected conversation.

“Drive safely, unnie” I said after we placed my things under the shade of our doorstep.

“Take care, okay?”

“You too”

She nodded and stared at me for a while, eyes lingering around my face before scanning my entire body. Her eyes locked eyes with mine before she nodded with finality.

“Goodbye, Wheein-ah”

“Unnie…” I called before she could turn around. “Drive carefully, okay?”

I still care about her. I still worry about her too.

She nodded and before she could think some more about it, she rushed to me to leave me a quick but tight hug before she went to her car without turning back.

I waited in front of our door until her car disappeared.

I guess that’s our final goodbye.

“I think I want to cut my hair, Mom,” I suddenly said one afternoon.

From her position behind the bar, she raised a questioning brow while frowning at me. “Right now?” she asked.

“Yup. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time now. I think I also wanted to dye a different color. Orange is a bit too bright and unusual. Yup, I think I want to have it different”

“And what color is that?”