CHAPTER 10:

“Do you really think your dream of being a leader of a global competitive girl group will only happen if we’re complete? Do you want me to go back to Seoul tomorrow and plan how you guys will break out of Ftown?” 

I was wiping my tears and kept sobbing when I said that but she just laughed at it. I was being serious though.

“Shut up. Calm yourself. Your adrenaline must have increased to the sky that you’re suddenly saying things. Don’t you dare come back to us if you’re only thinking of paying me back for cleaning your name. I did that as my last responsibility to you, as my former member.” Now she started talking seriously.

I kept silent while trying to stop my sobs.

“Decide on your own if you really want to go back in this industry. I know that you’re wavering because of what happened to your career and that...there are some possibilities in the future if you continue to be an idol. Call me anytime if you have decided whether you want to come back or if you want your life to be as peaceful as it is now. We’ll accept whatever your decision. We understand.” She said in the most sincere tone she can ever have. 

I continue nodding although she cannot even see me.

“And I don’t like a member who is not passionate so make sure that it is your choice to come back, not just because you’re guilty or what.”

Our talk made me loosen a bit. The overwhelming happiness I felt starts calming. I decided to go down the pool after a while to try and clear my head because Zhou is right. I should start thinking if I am really willing to risk everything with them because they are ready to risk everything.

But when I came down to the pool area, there were so many students playing in it. The place was noisy and I know I cannot think much about staying here so I went to the back of the house where a small garden was placed. There are some couples relaxing in the cottages. 

When I finally found a vacant cottage, I sat inside and start zoning out while watching the leaves of a tree being blown by the wind. For the first time, I zoned out peacefully, without hurt or any feeling of heaviness.

Zhou’s words started running through my mind again. It’s my decision now if I want to go back because it feels like I can really go back in the industry with what's happening right now.

I have now the freedom to choose what I want to happen in my future.

I raised my phone up in the air and stared at the screen where it displays the petition for me to be reinstated as a LightSky member. Our fans made a petition and have gathered almost half a million signatures. Even if the public are opposed to me getting back in the media, with our fans and my members' support, we will still be successful, right? I won’t fail the group if I go back right? 

But what about my family? I always had a bad relationship with my parents. Although I tried so hard for their recognition, I cannot seem to get it. They were already so opposed when I told them that I was scouted and that I was given a chance to train as a kpop idol back then. 

They gave me a condition that I can only pursue being an idol if I can maintain my rank in the school and I did. I promised myself that even if I become an idol, I will still make them proud and recognize me through studying hard as well. I love my parents but I also love my dream. I don’t want to drop either of the two. While living with the group in our trainee days, the only time they answer my call is when I’m the highest in our class. It was my only communication with them.

When I finally became a kpop idol, I tried so hard to balance my studies and being an idol. But as expected, it was impossible. I fell down on my rank in school and the more recognition I gained from the public, the harder it is to keep up with my studies. In the end, I chose to give up my high rank and continued being the idol I was.

And my communication to my family completely lost.

I tried visiting our house whenever there's an occasion. I ended up being scolded for choosing the path I took anyway. At one point, when tiredness and their words got into me, I ran to an argument with them. It led me to never go home again. We never contacted each other after that. That's also the reason why I was late to know grandma's condition late. I cannot even forget that at my grandma’s funeral, they didn’t even look at me.

Although I was a bit mad at them, I still love mom and dad. I remember arrogantly telling them how much happy I am while being an idol but then, In the end, I was thrown away by the public all because of a false allegation.

“Will my relationship with my parents be the same like before if I go back?”

Of course. How can I even ask that? That’s given already. They might even take me off their family registration like Zhou joked about. I sighed deeply and leaned my body to the seat.

Just a week ago, I was still so regretful that my dream ended like that. Today, all of a sudden, I am free to go back and continue my dream. The only problem I have now is that I’m torned.

“Sua and Yeri are looking for you.” 

I snapped back to reality when I heard Kang Minsung’s deep voice from somewhere. I quickly turned my head towards the direction of the voice. To my surprise, he was standing in front of the cottage already. 

“Oh, you’re here.” I exclaimed and quickly sat straight. 

“I’m looking for a vacant cottage to eat snacks but everywhere is filled. Would you mind if I stay here with you?”

I quickly nodded to him which made him step inside the silent cottage. He sat on the seat in front of mine and put a paper bag on the top of the table between us.

“Grandma packed some sandwiches. She told me to share it with you. You should get some of these.”

I was just about to comment that I need to watch out for my weight but his words back in the bus flashbacked on my mind. I quickly shut my lips. He starts unpacking the lunchbox from the paperbag. He gave me a sandwich.

“You look troubled. Did your friends from yesterday gave you some problems?”

He said. Pertaining to the girls. I chuckled because he sounded serious when he asked that.

“No. They are good friends.” They even fixed my own problems back in Seoul. “I’m just thinking about some things.” I told him truthfully.

He didn’t talk and just kept listening to my sighs while we eat. I was zoning out again and my thoughts were all over the place.

“Hey, Kang Minsung.” I called his name after a while. 

I was staring at the ceiling of the cottage for a moment which is why when I looked at him, I was a little surprised that he’s already looking at me with so much care and worry. I chuckle for a bit again. This guy knows how to…

“Do you think I’ll succeed in this lifetime?” I asked lightly.

“No.”

Of course. Of course, he’ll say that. My question’s only answer is encouragement--wait. Did he just say no? Did he actually say no?!

“What?” I laughed in amusement but he’s still as serious as ever.

“You’re beautiful and smart, Aera, but you cannot succeed in life with your attitude right now.” He said that made me stop laughing. He leaned on his seat and crossed his arms while talking. “What I have been noticing about you ever since is your lack of confidence. You’ve always been questioning your abilities.”

I quickly avoided glances. The way he looks at me pierce my soul. I felt like he knows what I’m actually feeling inside. It's actually frightening.

“You’ll go nowhere if you don’t believe in yourself. Seo Aera, whatever you want, you can achieve it if you’ll just be more confident. You can do whatever it is.” My eyes widened when he sounded like he’s cheering me about something.

A small smile touched my lips. I chuckled and shook my head. 

He’s right. I lose my confidence.

I always carry confidence whenever I’m on stage back then. I was the pride of my team in terms of dancing and I needed to show people that I am confidently performing in front of them. I remember my smile and happiness whenever I heard the crowd cheer me. It was my euphoria then.

“Do you think I’ll be a successful idol then?”

“Idol?” He looked surprised at the random question. “It depends if you’re good at singing and dancing. I heard people are harsh on some idols because they lack skills.”

My lips parted at his straight answer. I chuckled and even clapped my hands at his statement. I love how he's not even coaxing me thus tell me the truth frankly.

“What if I am a good singer and dancer then? Do you think I’ll succeed?”

“No. Not everyone can be successful in that industry even if you are talented and beautiful enough.” He said. “You need to have opportunities and luck.”

Opportunities and luck.

He’s indeed right. I was unfortunate enough that I didn’t have luck with me back then. I have always been the target for rumors and allegations but I had so many opportunities though. Even LightSky is giving me an opportunity to go back now.

“What if I don’t have luck?”

He didn’t talk for a moment and even clenched his jaw. He looks like deciphering something.

“Do you really want to be an idol?” He asked seriously all of a sudden. 

I nodded and smiled a bit. I remember him telling me before that he doesn’t like to be an idol because it’s a difficult life so I thought he’ll try to stop me.

“My mom is working on a TV station in Seoul. She has some connections in the entertainment industry, she can help you to be a trainee. You can audition to the biggest entertainment labels so you can have a higher chance of having both luck and opportunity.”

My jaw dropped when he suddenly dropped a bomb. For a moment, I stopped functioning. He’s waiting for my reaction with his usual intense expression. He looks so ready for my answer. His fierce eyes was looking straight to my soul. It was as if saying that he’ll definitely do what he just said.

“You don’t have to go that far!” I laughed loudly. He looked confused. “Hey, you didn’t tell me your mother is working in a TV station and is in Seoul. What station is she working at? Tell me about your mom!”

What a small world! What if I actually have interacted with her mother back when I was still an idol?

“Mom is working in the public TV station in Seoul. What else can I tell you about her?”

“Then why are you and Minho studying here in the province?” 

“Minho loves grandma and grandpa so much and our grandparents actually wished that we be with them until I graduate high school. What’s the problem of studying here though?”

“Oh, nothing, of course! I was just curious.”

Minsung’s life is actually interesting. I was so invested in his stories but Sua and Yeri called me on my phone. They told me that we should get ready for the competition already. 

“Aera,” She suddenly called me when I was about to go. “You’ll be a successful idol. Be confident.”

My heart skipped a bit with his sudden cheer. I don’t know if he’s just making me confident because as he said, that’s what I lack, but his voice and his sincerity made my heart tingle. I widened my smile and nodded to him.

He’s right. I need to be confident.

I came back to our room only to find out that Sua and Yeri were almost fighting because of the choreography of our performance later. They kept arguing what is the right dance in one of our choreography.

I had to show them the whole choreography for the last time before changing my clothes to what we are going to use while performing. Because the song is a hiphop song, I made Sua and Yeri wear baggy pants and cropped tops. It was very fortunate that we all have the same size of shoes so I made them wear my ankle boots.

“Wear these.” I gave them some accessories to wear such as bangles, rings, and necklaces.

“I still don’t understand why you have so many accessories.” Sua commented while I was busy putting the hoop earrings to my ears.

After preparing, we went down the outdoor town hall. It was already night and the breeze was getting colder. Looks like the competition is something the students await every year. There are so many students sitting in the grassfield and even waving some balloons. Although the stage was small, it was filled with so many props and different strobs of lights.

The sound of the loud music echoing on the whole place hit nostalgia on my system. I remember that I have always been in places this loud.  Excitement was rushing through my veins. This was my life back in Seoul.

I was smiling like crazy while looking around the hall when Sua pulled me towards the backstage. We are going to perform second to the last. I enjoyed watching performances of the first groups while on the side of the stage. It was fun and filled with entertainment. 

I found out that the competition is not really that competitive because everyone was just having fun. I actually came here prepared and ready to give my all out performance but due to what I’m seeing, I’ll just enjoy the moment.

...well, that was my plan. Not until I turned to my back and saw Sua and Yeri’s glares at the group performing. I laughed when they even started practicing again.

“Why are you so competitive? They are just enjoying themselves! Don’t pressure yourselves.” I told them but they just sneered.

“It’s not like you didn’t hear Yoojung before in the school. She was challenging us. She told us to watch their performance and that they will have this dance break thing! Dude, they are going to perform after us. We need to make a better impact because they are the last performers!” 

I was stunned at Yeri’s competitiveness. She reminds me of my former group members because of her will.

We actually met Yoojung backstage awhile ago and I must say, they really look like they have prepared so much. Maybe that’s the reason why my friends here looked so pressured all of a sudden. Their outfits were flashy and beautiful. Especially Yoojung who reminds me of a stage outfit I had one time back when I was still a LightSky member. 

When our names were finally called on the stage, the students cheered like how they did back with other teams but I’ll have to say, I was yet again reminded of my life back then. The cheer and the strobes of lights towards us while we were preparing on the stage was so nostalgic.

I wasn’t nervous but excitement is slowly building in that when the song started, I cannot help but smirk in enthusiasm. I didn’t plan to give so much effort in this performance but my expressions while dancing kept exposing my old self. 

I want to blame the loud cheer of the students and loud music that kept reminding me of standing on those old stages.

I was known for being a very expressive dancer as an idol and dang, I can’t believe it was already built into my system that even if I try to control it, I kept expressing the dance through facial expressions. The smirks, smiles, and small winks were hard to control.

The song slowly faded out and when we striked our last pose, the cheer became louder. I smiled wider because of it. When we got down from the stage, the two girls hugged me immediately.

“What the hell! You did so great, Aera! We will win this, oh my God! I’ll have a new phone. Omg!” I chuckled at Sua’s excitement.

My heart was still rushing both from the excitement and the tiredness from dancing when Yoojung’s group passed by. They are being introduced on the stage now but she went to us first.

“Aera-yah, you’re so amazing there.” She said and even clapped her hands. I quickly shook my head from the embarrassment of her compliments. “Indeed, you’re Seo Aera!” She suddenly said before running towards the stage.

My eyebrow twitched at her words. I was still panting but when I suddenly heard the music for their performance, my heart stopped. My smile faded. My mind completely went blank as I watch Yoojung’s performance from the side of the stage.

“They used the real choreography of the idols for their performance, right? Yoojung must be crazy, this dance is so difficult.” I heard Yeri saying while still panting as well.

“What’s the song though? It’s nice but I haven’t heard it before.” Sua asked after drinking water.

“I don’t know. They always use new songs so for sure it’s another new song.” Yeri answered back while still focused on the stage.

My jaw has already dropped as I continue to watch their performance. It’s a song from LightSky. It was the last song we released. They’re using a song from my group! And it hit me just now why Yoojung is wearing that outfit. That outfit resembles my stage outfit for that song!

“Holy sht.” I exclaimed when realization dawned on me.

The crowd went wild when Yoojung starts dancing to the dance break. She didn’t lie when she said they copied the original choreography. 

“We won on this one. They look so messy. For sure it’s because their choreography is hard. It looks like a whole song filled with dance breaks. Look, they are even having a hard time breathing.” Sua commented again.

The crowd roared for the second time when they finished. They went down from the stage completely panting. When Yoojung found me dumbfounded in my place, she smiled widely again. 

“Aera, how did we do? Did we do it right?” She held both of my hands. Her eyes twinkled. “I really find LightSky’s song difficult but as a respect to the real artists, we didn’t change any choreo. Were you proud of my team?”

I cannot answer her questions, especially that Sua and Yeri were looking at us. Even her teammates are on her back, waiting for my answer.

The crowd went loud again due to the host talking on the stage. Yoojung said something but I didn’t get to hear it so she leaned closer to me and whispered in my ears directly.

“Actually, my teammate, Hyojin, is the one who told me that you resemble a former idol so when I checked it, I realized it was really you. You even have the same name, how can I mistake her as another person, right?!” 

I felt like my hands were getting cold as she talked more. Thoughts haywired in my mind so I cannot really talk.

What am I going to do now? Gwangsa felt like a safe place to me. I found relief that people don't know me here and that they are not judging me like how it was in Seoul. I never thought that there will be a time that a person from here will recognize me.

Maybe I really am a fool. How can I underestimate the people from here? Maybe in our class, no one recognized me because they’re not much aware of new idol groups but from the other class? Of course! There will be some who may recognize me because although the internet is difficult here, we were active on television before.

If a student from our school has already found out about me, it’s not surprising that it will spread. Yoojung even used our song! What if they search about the song and found out about the singers of it. Sua and Yeri were even talking about it a while ago! Overthinking was killing me.

“Hey, why are you getting pale? Are you alright?” 

I was summoned back to reality when Yoojung shook me a bit and laughed.

“Don’t worry, we knew what happened to you through the internet. Although your career is indeed regretful, at least you learn to not bully anyone anymore, and I can see that now. We won’t tell anyone about you, okay?” 

She said and smiled a bit at me. My jaw clenched inside my tight sealed lips. She tapped my shoulder and then walked away. Her two teammates followed her but the last girl smiled at me and even held my hand.

“I’m a big fan of your group. I just checked the internet here and saw some compilations of you and my favorite idol Vin. Are you still in a relationship with him? Can you say hi to him for me?”

I cannot even smile anymore. My mind went blank because I know, from this point, if more people start recognizing me, It’ll be like this and I don’t think it’s a good idea