I'm still here with him in my heart. The love is growing stronger. I realized I forgot to write down that once (should be in late November or early December) that he taught me maths and used my pencil, leaving fingerprints with the chalk from his hand on my pencil. And his fingerprints stayed on my own for two days. And I remember that on the third day, I was losing feelings for him. Talking about this incident again with my friend, she said he touched my hand that day when returning the pencil to me, but I don't remember. Shame.

Anyway. The omicron situation is bad now. We cannot return to school, online classes are held now. Being unable to see him face to face + see his whole body from far or upclose, this is bad, but honestly, being able to look at his bare face without a mask is awesome. I think he looks very handsome without a mask, a different type of feel.

There's not much to say because if I have to, it'll just be all that again: he's so handsome, so perfect, insane, he's literally torturing me... 

Well, Good luck to me in this new year of tiger.

Feb15

There will be math lesson today.

Yesterday was Valentine's day. He marked the homework that I've drawn smiley faces from the ii parts.

Yesterday, I also went to the newly-opened cafe near my home. When I was waiting for my coffee takeaway, I saw the lady with her boyfriend has a bagel on the table. I immediately thought of him. I loved the atmosphere there.

At 12:02am today I realized he has gone to this cafe on feb13 and he's got the caption 'I love you bagel.' 

Feb20

It's raining outside. I'm neither thinking about you nor your body. It's kinda unhealthy always thinking of you actually, for that I have half-abandoned my studies when falling in love you. I listened to I knew you were trouble just now, such an old but golden song, the lyrics 'when i fell hard, you took a step back' really got me. Countless nights I've talked about you with a lovely friend of mine, contemplating about every single thing you say and do, what's inside your brain, so many whys and whys and whys, but failed attempts every time of course. I have no idea why from approximately November, you stopped giving me glances and anything particular. I act flirtatious a lot but still none has attracted you to look into my eyes. I don't understand your brain. I start to think everything was just imagined by myself, you have never ever noticed me in a peculiar way, in other words, you are not interested in me. Frankly, who am I such a young girl to be so attractive? And you are such a handsome, perfect man. You have that special kind of feel. I don't understand why. I can look at your face for long hours everyday, feeling content and also y while doing so. Several days ago in an online lesson, you smirked in a -playful and flirtatious manner. I couldn't stop playing that one second over and over again. I don't know why you smirked, but it just makes my heart thumps and my head spins. You never fail, not even once, to make my body feel weak and desire for your touch and your presence. Though I will never have you, for our age range makes it too impossible for anything to succeed, plus your superiority to me, causing so much imbalance as any successful relationship could not have.

Therefore, I feel much joy only being able to look at your face. I know the feelings I have for you, is never going to gain your feelings in return. I know the nights I swirl around, begging for your existence, will never happen in your nights. I know the personalities, looks and talents of mine, will never meet your satisfaction and to what you think you deserve. I am not blaming you, but I cannot blame fate too as I don't know whom will i meet later in my life. I know you will never like me, but I cannot stop liking you. Loving is painful, but still delighting I should feel in my love towards you, as you are my teacher, I can look at your face, listen to you voice, get an answer when I send you emails and questions. Though the treatment I get from you is nothing close to us being true romantic partners, I could still at least communicate with you, and feel your presence. For everything in past relationships with family and friends, I could ask them what they were actually thinking about, very easily. But for you, I doubt I will have any chance knowing your true thoughts. I am always too stubborn to want to know why you seemed to be a little different to me from September to October, too sure something else was going on back then, too confident of myself, overestimated the beauty of romance, too naive, too naive. 

feb23 

istill don't understand. Do I lack that type of romance love? to the point of feeling secure over seeing a man that doesn't love me! I'm so silly. But I can't help this feeling, it has already built up. This is so terrible, annoying, and foolish to be frank. He doesn't even likes me! Why would I like him that lots? Plus, he isn't so smart afterall, he is just a normal guy afterall, very normal! An average job, average height, average kindness, average humour, nothing very outstanding at all? Why? Falling in love with this man? This is solely because there is no other male for me to look at in this world and he's one of those appearing here now in front of me. But look, he is a teacher, every math lesson he's the main character, but what about me? I'm just one of the very many students he teach! I'm nothing more than an ordinary school kid to him. my heart!