I have been busier now that it's holiday. I'm a person that works better alone, with all time available for me to make good use of it doing revision, self-learning, working on assignments. No timetables and no fixed lessons for me is good for me. I become more energized and ambitious.

Eventually times that I lose control over myself, wanting him, such and such, has reduced. Not only because it's holiday that there's no lessons so I don't see him, also because I fill my life with more work. I have a healthy lifestyle now. But always, at night, I think of his body, his face, his voice, when I do this, I become the weakest in the universe, so ready to let him deep and fast in me, causing so much pain in me. 

I always have to imagine him at night. His dominance and always his smirk. I think this had somehow turned into a daily practice or whenever I have the ual desires suddenly turned up. By then, I will prepare to lose all my dignity, to moan as weakly and cat-like while he gives me so much pain, and his hands all over me, his eyes scanning through every private parts of me, I don't care about the thing I hate people neglect most- downgrading me: he can call me , stupid, ugly, whatever he wants, and I'll feel the deepest pleasure in hearing him complain about me. The thought of him being villain-like is just so hot and y.

I might have gone too far. But I type this at midnight. That's what I think, and with my teenager mind, I guess this is all understandable.

Anyway, it's been so long since I have seen him in reality. I guess the next time I'll be seeing him, I'll freak out at how handsome he is all over again. I know, I always say, his eyes are intimidating, and everytime he comes close to me, I feel being close to fainting. Haha this sounds ridiculous but for real. I can't think of anything and do anything properly when it comes to him. Maybe this is really because of the 'feeling' stuff. 

For such an introverted girl-me, liking a man and reaching out is such a difficult thing. And also liking a man, this act it's own is already a brave one. I think I have done a lot already, sending emails, commenting under assignments, talk about those before, I have spread my legs open for him to look, I have talked to him endless times that requires my absolute, I mean, really, absolute, guts to do it. It's just so hard. But maybe from his insight, or from others that are not me, what I've done is smaller than a tiny bit of water drip, less than the size of a bacteria... Sometimes I really have no idea, liking a person is really strange. It makes you really uncomfortable with yourself, sometimes really confident, sometimes really unconfident. I guess that has to do with my personality too, somehow.

Just by working in group assignments, I can feel how introverted I am. I don't know why I'm always uncomfortable working with people. It makes me sweat and I talk differently. I don't like it. 

I really don't understand how do such a strange person like me, fall in love with a male teacher? Sounds totally unacceptable and odd for such a person like me. Very very very strange indeed. 

Maybe he is strange too so I find him as the same species? Actually he might have divorced so he is like that now. He really has that very single feel. Also he's sometimes act abnormally, like his facial expressions, he's like a man with some mental abnormalities. I'm serious.

Such a confused state I am in. How much I want to see him. But frankly I like seeing him without his mask on. He feels more real. Him with a mask on is absolutely a different him. I actually like him that is a little messy, some moustache, and I love to see his thick lips, big mouth, and also his eyes and nose. Pretty when that comes altogether. His face is flawless, a piece of art. To admire.

Gotta sleep now. Work hard tomorrow!!!! I guess I have to aim higher plus work hard hard hard harddd and I have to build a greater future for myself. I really sound like a kid. But who cares? Working hard is always right. Til next time-x

Mar26 2am

I really hope I can go back to school soon, this is getting like a stupid fantasy fiction. I am close to forgetting how he looks like in real person, his feel... Everything.

I am more lost than ever. 6hours later I will have his online lesson. I was contemplating about all actions he has done that were somehow associated to me. I still can't understand why on earth starting from the phase of mid November to December, he seemed to be ignoring me so much, much less glances we share than before. Like I gonna say, everything is so strange.

I just searched 'a man avoids your glance' on google. Apparently, as expected, there is such a wide variety of explanations. Nothing is guaranteed. Some man say they avoid girls they find attactive, and some say they avoid girls because they have no intention of approaching them so they just ignore them to show they are not interested. 

Even that the quote says 'men are all the same', it is not true. Everything is confusing and unreliable. 

Actually, is that I am making a big deal of things that have no explanation. I believe there are lots of things in the world that happen just without any reasons at all. Like possibly, a reason available but nothing like the person intended. For instance, when he looked between my thighs, it might be just a quick reaction of him as a male. And for instance, when he looked at me 4times at Christmas celebration day, all times with exceptionally long time, he was just being special for a human being. I mean, we don't do everything for a reason, right. Sometimes,we do things with no meanings.

Am I reasoning myself or am I thinking the right way. I have no idea. I just hope I can get back to school, hopefully a month later to see him again. Everything that happened, just felt like a dream. I feel like a maniac thinking everything in my mind that happened actually have really happened before.