I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so confused, scared and stupid. I don't know what my heart really wants.

How can I follow my decieving heart?

I know I love Yerin unnie but a part of me is wondering if I'm still in love with her the same way as before. I don't want to give her false hope. What if we run away then one day, I realized that I don't want to fight the world with her anymore? I'm scared to think that I might hurt her even more because of my uncertainty.

And Eunha... I don't really know what I'm feeling for her. But there's one thing I'm sure of..., that I can't leave her. I can't run away from her without thinking every day about her mental condition.

What if her self-harm activities continues? What if her anxiety disorder worsen?

What if...

What if one day, I can never see her again.

My mind is in a mess but my feet lead me to Eunha's place. Seriously? I don't know why I'm here. Do I really deserve to be here? What am I doing dragging Eunha into my own mess?

But as expected, Eunha welcomed me. She welcomed me like I'm not the one causing her pain. She's so nice and she deserves someone better than me but I'm a selfish and a confusing girl who can't let her go.

It's funny that Eunha is saying that I'm her safe haven, her happy place she's thinking of during her panic attacks and the reason why she wants to have a normal life without knowing that I'm the real monster, the selfish who wants to feed from her and the living nightmare that she needs to escape.

But I'm really cruel because I'm clinging on to her now, telling all my fears and worries to her. It's always about me. Only me.

How can I save Eunha from the real monster who is me?

___________________

I was surprised when I saw Sowon sunbaenim watching Eunha and I hugging a while ago. I wouldn't be surprised if she hates me. I thought she will curse me or slap me hard on the face for hurting both Eunha and Umji but she only looked straight into my eyes then tell Eunha that she needs to talk with me, alone.

At first, Eunha disagree, maybe she thinks that Sowon sunbaenim is really mad at me but sunbaenim assured her that we will just talk.

I'm hesitant too but I know I have to give Sowon sunbaenim explanations too. She's both taking good care of Umji and Eunha, the two people that Yerin unnie and I keep on hurting inside.

________________

"I'm surprised to see you here. I thought... we will never see you and Yerin ever again, Yuju-ssi."

I heard Sowon sunbaenim said the moment we stepped into the balcony. I watched her looking at the dark sky. She looked so pretty. I wonder why Eunha fell in love with instead.

"I... I didn't run away with Yerin unnie tonight." I took a long deep sigh before continuing. "I can't."

"Why?" Sowon sunbaenim asked. I looked anywhere but her. "Why didn't you follow what your heart says, Yuju-ssi."

I chuckled bitterly. "How can I follow what it says? My heart is so confuse, sunbae. I don't really know what I really want. Who I really want."

"I'll be honest. I don't like you, Yuju-ssi." Sowon sunbaenim said. I smiled bitterly. Why am I not surprised? "I don't like you and Yerin too." I looked at her finally then saw her looking back at me. "I don't like people hurting my precious dongsaengs."

I understand sunbae. She has a good reason for not liking Yerin unnie and I. And I think, she deserves to hate us too.

"But... I won't judge the two of you if you really run away instead." Sowon sunbaenim said making me shock. "If I am on your shoes, I will go with the person I truly love instead of giving false hope to someone." She looked straight into my eyes. "The biggest lie we will ever tell is the lie we tell to ourselves. You don't have to lie to yourself just to make other people happy, Yuju-ssi."

I bit my lower lip. "But... I'm really confused, sunbae. I don't know if I am still in love with Yerin unnie the same as before." I took a deep sigh then looked straight into her eyes. "I'm not really sure too if what I feel for Eunha is love and not just... pity."

Sowon sunbaenim started walking closer to me. Her aura is intimidating. She's tall, pretty and her appearance screams how rich she is. But I remained standing on my spot until she's only a few steps away from me. "I'll give you an offer, Yuju-ssi." She said making me frown. Wait, I hope she won't offer me a big amount of money just to get lost in Eunha's life. I am not that cheap.

"I'll give you three months, only three months to end this complcated mess that you and Yerin created to Umji and Eunha's life." She said seriously. At first, I don't get what she means but she spoke once again. "You have to decide if you are still going to fight your love fo