I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in

'Cause I got time while she got freedom

'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even

Sana glanced at her watch as she hurried across the intersection. She was running late to her dinner date with Momo and Jihyo. Again. But she had a reason for it this time. Sana had been showing a potential client some of her art pieces and he had more questions than she expected. She finally reached the restaurant and spotted the two of them sitting by the large glass window. She did brisk walk to them.

“Sorry I’m late, guys. I was held up with a client,” she said as she dropped her bag into the empty chair next to the one where she sat.

She could see from the looks on their faces that they hadn’t seen her coming. She saw them share a look with each other before Jihyo cleared and spoke. “No problem, Sana. We got your text.”

Momo nodded and added, “We just ordered some drinks. Here, take a look at the menu. Everything sounds really good.” Momo hands her one of the menus before quickly looking away. Sana noted that both girls were suspiciously avoiding eye contact with her, with Momo feigning renewed interest in the menu, and Jihyo rummaging through her purse for some unknown object.

“Were you two just talking about me?” Sana asked, finally.

They shared another guilty look.

“We were just talking about how you were doing, Satang.” Momo gave her a small, guilty, forgive-us grin.

“Guys, you don’t have to beat around the bushes with me. Dahyun and I . . . we broke up over three months ago. I’ve broken down in front of both of you, separately and together, I think enough times for the rest of my life. So I’m fine now. Really.”

They both looked at her unconvicingly.

After Dahyun left, Sana had withdrawn into herself even more than she had after the accident. Her previous months of emotional turmoil while battling her guilt from being around Dahyun had already left her drained and numbed, and the loss of Dahyun just magnified that.

She became a shell of even post-accident Sana, staying in her apartment during most of the day, painting anything and everything. But she couldn’t bear to sleep in the apartment at night, when the quiet of the city was too much for her. So she started sleeping over at her friends’ homes. Mostly Momo’s, because she lived closer and wasn’t living with anyone, like Jihyo was.

Sometimes, in the middle of some of those nights, when she was sleeping in Momo’s bed, the weight of her situation would come crashing down on her, suddenly, unexpectedly, and cause her such distress that try as she might (so as not to wake her friend), she could not hold in her sobs.

The first time it happened, Momo tried to talk her through it, but Sana was just so overwhelmed with the heaviness of it all that no words could come out. As it happened more and more often, Momo took to just wrapping her arms around her and holding her close until she cried herself to sleep. 

But the distance from Dahyun, while painful, did provide Sana the time and space she needed to heal from Mina’s death. She no longer relived the accident as often as she had before, and was even able to begin talking to others about Mina. She felt the guilt wear off, slowly, but surely, until soon, recalling memories of Mina became a happy occurrence instead of a pain-stricken experience. She felt her mind healing even as her broken heart continued to ache.

About two months after their breakup, she finally flew to their hometown to visit Mina's grave. She hadn’t been able to bring herself to do that yet since the accident. Sana stayed there for hours, cleaning up the weeds that had grown around Mina's tombstone, laying down bright flowers that matched her bright personality. She brought her a penguin stuffed toy together with a hamster stuffed toy, it is a resemblance of them, they compared themselves to them growing up, and buried it in the dirt next to her tombstone.

She talked to her about everything. She recounted happy childhood memories they shared together. How Sana always hugged her just whenever she saw her.  Sana laughed at herself recalling the times she hit Mina with an umbrella under the snow, hugged her to console. Actually, Mina always had to suffer because of her clumsy bestfriend. She talked about how it's too late for her to have a blue hair, Mina had been talking about it before the accident, she always had asked Sana if it's a good decision. Sana told her how her family was doing. She told her that her brother decided his fate in United States, but not with their parents, they couldn't because Mina lays here, and that they'll stay wherever she is. 

Sana told her about the guilt she felt after her death. Sana told her about what happened with Dahyun, how she lost the love of her life, and how she hoped Dahyun would be able to find someone who could make her happy. Sana told her how, despite the short amount of time they spent together, Dahyun had really liked her and how, if she got to spend more time with her, she would surely have love her as much as Sana did. Sana told her she missed her, and promised to visit whenever she could.

And when Sana looked at  Mina's tombstone once again, with tears running down her face, and finally said, “I’m sorry,” Sana felt the weight of her death lifted from her shoulders.

Sana slowly began to pick up her life after that, returning to sleep in her own apartment and rebuilding clients that she had lost due to neglect after the accident. And if there was one good thing that came from her horrible moments, it was that she had painted many pieces of art that were powerful in their darkness and sorrow and rage and misery. Which apparently, there was a good market these days.

So she was able to remain busy showing her pieces to potential clients. Painting kept her distracted and worked (most of the time) in preventing her from thinking about Dahyun. And for that she was thankful.

Sana resumed regular outings with her close friends, ever more thankful for them for all they had done for her. She thought that they had been able to see that she was doing better and had stopped worrying about her. Apparently not, though. Because her friends knew her better than herself.

Jihyo was the one to finally speak up. “Sana, we’re both really happy that you’re doing better and working on promoting your art again. You’ve kept yourself so busy over the past month. Just try not to overwork yourself so much, okay? It’s okay to take a break once in a while.”

“I do take breaks. I’m here having a nice dinner with the nicest people right now, aren’t I?” Sana smiled, to show that she was okay.

“Yeah, okay, Satang. Thank you so much for taking time from your busy life to bless us with your presence,” Momo smirked, rolling her eyes.

Both Sana and Jihyo laughed at that, breaking the light tension. Their drinks arrived and they ordered their food. Their conversation fell on lighter topics, including Jihyo’s label, the new drug Momo's company is currently working on, and Nayeon's plans to expand the café and the new bar