How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?

Sana waited patiently at the café counter for her coffee. She was at a different coffee shop today, a new one she had never been to, and for a totally different purpose than her usual weekly café outings.

She looked around the place while waiting. It was a small, pleasantly old-fashioned café with an interesting eclectic style of walls. The walls seemed to be filled with posters and memorabilia from a wizarding world fiction. And this was a neighborhood where she didn’t visit often. She had purposely picked a new café farther away from where she lived to do this because, well, it wasn’t going to be a pleasant thing, and she would rather not be reminded of it every time she wanted a cup of coffee.

Four large mason jars lining the counter in a row caught her eyes. The sign on the wall above the jars read, “Which house will win the Hogwarts House Cup this week? Tips = House Points.” Each of the four jars was labeled with one of the houses, in their respective colors. On the top, there was this odd looking brown witch hat that has a ridiculous looking face. 

Sana was amused and impressed with the ingenuity and attention to details, so she reached into her pockets to pull out some change. Her coffee came just as she was dropping the money into the Gryffindor jar.

The japanese then found a small table in the corner with a good view of the door to wait. Sana had arrived a little earlier than the scheduled time for the date. If you could call it a date, she thought. She came early because she wanted this to be over as soon as possible. This was never a fun thing to have to do.

Her heart began to thump at a great rate as memories of the last time she did this flashed through her mind right now, and her body almost tremble as if she were there again, standing in the rain saying words that she knew would hurt the other person. She forced herself to take a deep breath in order to control her emotions. She did not want to be emotional when she did what she had planned to do.

She had been putting it off for a while, forcing herself to hold on to the false optimism that this thing with Jeongyeon, whatever it was, might go somewhere. But for a reason she couldn’t really quite explain, she had suddenly come to the conclusion that it was the right time to do it now. She decided it was only right to do it in person, since they had been semi-dating for more than a month. Jeongyeon was not a bad girl, and she deserved more than a brief text message or an awkward phone call.

So here she was, waiting to do this awkwardly in person instead. She looked up just in time to see Jeongyeon walk through the door. She saw her glance around the coffee shop before his eyes landed on her and her lips widened into a smile. Sana winced internally.

“Sana,” she said, as she made his way over and sat down. “I'm glad to get your call to meet here. I have been a little worried that this was more one-sided on my part.”

She took a deep breath and decided to jump right into it. Here we go. “About that, Jeongyeon. . .”

It wasn’t painless (these things never were, right?) but it also wasn’t as painful as she feared either. Sana had originally planned to make it quick and simple, perhaps falling to old clichés like “It’s not you; it’s me” and “I need to work on myself”.But for some reason, when Jeonyeon asked her why, she found herself telling her the truth: “I am still in love with someone else.”

And when Jeongyeon pressed for more information, she felt compelled to tell her, she told her about Dahyun. About how they met and fell in love and came to live together. She told her details like how Dahyun loved coffee most of the time, but on rainy days, she would only drink tea (Because tea is soothing to the soul, Sana). She told her about how she attempts to finish a crossword puzzles, but ended up finding answers on the internet. She told her about how she could be so immersed in her piano playing music composing stuff, that you could fall right in front of her and she wouldn’t notice until you were sitting down next to her, ice pack on your head. And that’s only after she finished a music piece. (Sana, what did you do? Why do you have an ice pack? How’d you get that bump on your head?). She told her that she was an amazing composer who had a wonderful way with rythym that made her appreciate the beauty of the world more every day. 

She told her that she believed in soulmates because of her. That she believed in love because of her. And then Sana told Jeongyeon how she lost her and finally, she even told her that she was still waiting for her to come back.

It felt good to tell her whole story out loud, to form coherent words from thoughts that had been floating in her mind for so long. She could almost feel her words dissipating from where they sat, spreading outward into the world. She wondered if, somehow, magically, they would reach Dahyun, however far away she was, and allow her to sense her regret, her sincerity, her love. Her promise.

Jeongyeon was quiet for long moments after Sana finished. They sat in comfortable silence, both contemplating her words.

“When did you know that she was it? Your soulmate. Was it at first sight?” she finally asked.

Sana shook her head, “No, it wasn’t. I knew she was special when I met her, but it was only during our first date when I knew.”

“What’s it like?”

“What’s what like?”

“Finding your soulmate.”

Sana pondered this for a second. “It’s like you would rather be in the rain and cold with her all the time than be warm and dry without her. The darkness is less dark, the edges are less sharp. The winter feels warmer. The crazy feels normal, every time. It’s like everything is more beautiful to you – your work, your art, your life. A blade of grass. The radio. That spoon. Everything. Food tastes better. Things smell sweeter. The world is just . . . better. Just because you have her next to you.”

“But why would you want to?” she asked.

“Want to what?”

“Find your soulmate. I mean, it sounds like you found her, but, for some reason, it didn’t work out. If you can’t even make it work with your soulmate, what’s the point of finding her? If it doesn’t work out, it would just sour any relationship you will ever have afterwards. 

Sana was surprised by the honesty in his question.

“I suppose the bad side is that it might not work out, and then your world becomes forever weaker, less colorful, less magical. You’ll see things through a sheet of grey, hear sounds instead of music, and feel things through a dampener. Things feels like they have too many problems, and no one who cares. There are so many roads, and they all need repairs. And if you’re really unlucky, you might end up waiting every week at a coffee shop, for weeks and weeks and weeks, with no end in sight, for something that, on some days, you can’t even remember clearly.”

“And the good side?”

“The good side...” Sana paused to smile. “...is that there someone that exists in this world who you would do that for.”

Jeongyeon then stood up initiated a hug, which Sana gladly reciprocated. She whispered to her ears. 

"Life is short, Sana, and it a lot of the time. If being with Dahyun makes you happy, then go be with Dahyun."

Sana paced back and forth in her room. It had been two days. Two days, five hours, and thirty-two minutes to be exact. That was the amount of time that had passed since she somehow got the number of the beautiful barista at the coffee shop. Dahyun. God, even her name was beautiful.

Sana wanted to call. She wanted to call right away. But that would have seemed desperate, Momo said. Not that being literally speechless in front of her just because of her eyes didn’t already seem desperate. But she didn’t want to seem even more desperate. So she waited. Anxiously. Until she couldn’t wait anymore. Momo told her that the standard these days was to wait three days. (Who knew they had standard for this?) But she didn’t care. She thought it was a achievement for her to have waited this long already anyway...

Her hand almost trembled as she entered the number she had already memorized since the first night. She continued her pacing as the phone rang.

She picked up on the second ring.

“Hello?”

“Hi. Hello.” There was a pause as the voice on the other end waited for her to continue. “Is this Dahyun?”

“Yes, That's me.”

“Hi. Oh, I already said that. Right?” She grimaced. Okay. So it wasn’t just her eyes that could make her act like an idiot.

She heard a small chuckle as Dahyun confirmed, “Yes, I believe you did.”

“Right. Uhm, this is Sana.” She waited several seconds and when recognition didn’t come, she added, “From the coffee shop.” She began to panic. What if Dahyun had already forgotten about her already? She rushed to add, “You gave me your number, remember? Blonde hair? Japanese?”

“Yes, of course. Sana.”

Sana exhaled the breath she didn’t know she was holding. “That’s me.”

“So you finally called. I didn’t know if you would.”

“Of course I would!” Sana said, a little too loudly. “Did you not want me to?”

She heard Dahyun laugh lightly. “No, I did. I just didn’t know if you were going to do the whole wait-three-days-before-you-call-the-girl thing.”

So Momo was right. It was a thing.

“Actually, I wanted to call earlier. Like, way earlier. But I didn’t want to seem . . .”

“Desperate?” Dahyun offered.

“I was going to say ‘rash,’ but sure, we can go with ‘desperate.’”

Another laugh. The sound of her laughter was easing most of Sana’s nervousness. She could listen to her laugh all day.

“Okay, Sana. You’ve waited an appropriate amount of time to not seem rash or desperate.”

“Good. So we’ve now established that I am the exact right amount of days, right? Are you ready then?”

“Ready for what?”

“For me to change your mind about your preference for not wanting blondes.”

She again waited with a held breath for Dahyun’s response.

After several moments, she heard, in a serious voice, “Yes, Sana. I am. I really am.” A wide grin on her face as she imagined Dahyun saying this with a straight, solemn face. Then, more lightly, “Where should we go?”

Sana smiled the biggest smile she could remember smiling and pumped her free hand in the air while doing excited running-in-place. She made sure her voice was calm and belied her excitement when she gave Dahyun the details of where and when to meet her for dinner the following night.

Just before she was going to say goodbye, Sana added, “You know . . . I really was, though.”

“Was . . . what?” Dahyun’s puzzled voice asked.

“Desperately, wanting you... to be interested too.”

Sana had picked out a restaurant she hadn’t been to before. The website showed that it was fancy and expensive, and she wanted to impress, so she picked this place. But now, sitting here across from Dahyun, who somehow looked even more effortlessly beautiful than she remembered, in just a flannel shirt and jeans, with her black hair down and light make up, she was already regretting her decision.

Because she couldn’t understand two-thirds of the selections on the menu.

She looked at one of the selections. Is that a type of meat? Or the name of a pasta? Or a vegetable, maybe?

She stole a glance at Dahyun, who appeared busy perusing the menu. Menu-illiteracy aside, she didn’t know why she felt so nervous right now. Well, she did know why. Because Dahyun was sitting across from her and she was gorgeous and sweet and smart and Sana really, really wanted to impress her.

"The waiter has now arrived, are the guests ready for the waiter to