First, you think the worst is a broken heart

What's gonna kill you is the second part

And the third, is when your world splits down the middle

And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself

Fifth, you see them out with someone else

And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have ed up a little

 

 

 

 

 

 

She heard it.

 

 

And for a moment there, just for a moment, her heart suddenly stopped beating, it felt like it dropped to her stomach when she heard the word that she had been waiting to hear for so long. It sounded so exactly like how she remembered it, that she thought it must have just been a crazy, uncontrolled flash of memory. A trick of her already slipping mind. She didn’t dare to have her hopes up. Because it had been dashed more times than she could count during her weeks of sitting here at the coffee shop.

 

So she remained stiff, refusing to look up from her sketchpad, though her hand no longer moved. But she could not control the rapid thumping of her heart, the anxious tremors in her hands. Her breathing became shallow and uneven, and she struggled to get enough oxygen into her lungs. It was as if her body knew that this time was different. That this was no trick of the mind.

 

 

 

 

“Sana.”

 

 

 

 

That single word was uttered almost in a whisper, yet it rang so loud that it cut through all the space and time between them, bringing her back to when that word was spoken softly close right next to her ear. The smoothness of it still sent a chill down her spine. It hadn’t changed at all. It shut out all the noises from her surroundings, and now all she could hear was earsplitting, ringing silence.

 

She could smell the hint of her peppermint perfume. A shiver ran through her body as she closed her eyes and tried to collect herself, to gather the different parts of her body and mind that were now running in all separate directions. She forced herself to loosen the strong grip she didn’t realize she had on her pencil and haltingly set it down, unable to stop her hand from shaking as she did so. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her suddenly dry, dry throat and held her breath as she slowly looked up.

 

The sky was now a uniform grey, with dark clouds forming in the sky, hiding in the sun, painting the world in a cold, grey undertone, only broken by the falling red and brown leaves as they were tossed by the light autumn breeze. The leaves swirled lazily through the air as they slowly made their way to the ground. The fountain was in the distance, as always, with jets of water bursting from it in a show of energy that echoed her rapidly beating heart. The morning joggers that are quickly passing by. The view was one with which she had become very familiar, due to the many hours she had spent sitting in this same spot. But today, she couldn’t see any of it at all.

 

Because there she was. Not more than ten feet away in front of her, bundled up in a thick coat and knit cap and scarf, feet close together, hands in her coat pockets, hair lightly tossing in the wind. Just standing there. As if no time had passed. As if she were just meeting her here on any normal day. As if she hadn’t just turned her entire world upside down.

 

She let her eyes slowly trail up her body.

 

 

Up her neck.

 

 

 

Her jaw.

 

 

 

Her lips.

 

 

 

Her nose.

 

 

 

And when she finally reached those eyes, it was as if time stopped.

 

 

All that existed then, was the two of them there, in that moment.

 

 

Nayeon couldn’t believe what she was seeing. She had been casually walking by the window overlooking the outdoor area when something suddenly caught her eyes and she had to double check to look outside. She now stood frozen in front of the window, trying to decipher what she was seeing. She didn’t realize her jaws had dropped.

 

 

 

Is that.... Dahyun?

 

 

 

She rubbed her eyes with her knuckles to try to clear her vision, like she had seen in a cartoon. But it just hurt her eyes more than clear them. Stupid, useless, misleading cartoons, she thought.

She couldn’t do anything else but continue to stare at the scene through the window. It really was her, in the flesh, standing there in front of Sana.

Sana. She suddenly thought of her friend and wondered what must be going through her mind at this moment. Looking at her from the distance, she could only tell that she had clearly seen Dahyun. But neither seemed to be talking. Or moving. Or doing anything.

There was a brief moment when she considered going out there. To greet Dahyun – after all, she had missed her greatly also – or to urge Sana into action, because she didn’t want her to waste the chance she had been waiting for due to surprise. But as she looked at the two of them, she realized that even though neither was doing anything, there was so much happening between them right now.

So the older one just stood there, watching them for another moment longer before she sighed and turned back towards the register to give them their privacy, hoping and wishing with all her heart for things to work out for the two of them.

 

 

Sana remembered all those times in her life when she had wanted something so very much that it was all she could think about while she was saving up for it, like a specific toy when she was a child, or art supplies as a teen, or bigger things like a car or trips as an adult. But the more she thought about that thing she wanted and how much she would enjoy it, the more her mind created this impossible, unattainable idea of that thing such that she was always undoubtedly disappointed when she finally got it.

 

And if she was truly honest with herself, during all the time she had been waiting here, she had feared that she had done this with the reunion with Dahyun, and even with Dahyun herself. That she had built up their relationship to an ideal that was not real, and that the future she wished for was too idealistic, too much like the toy that didn’t do as advertised, or the painting supplies that did not work as well, or the trips that disappointed.

 

She feared that in her mind, she had built Dahyun up to this impossible image of perfection and beauty and kindness and such loveliness that there was no way that it could all be true, no way that that idea of her could be real. Anymore.

 

But most of all, despite her wonderful memories of them together, and despite how much she told herself and everyone else that she still loved her wholeheartedly, she feared that when she finally did see Dahyun again, there wouldn’t be that same flutter in her heart, that same longing to be close to her and to hold her. This fear had been so terrifying that she kept it hidden from everyone, and for the most part, even herself.

 

 

Here was the moment when all of her fears could be realized.

 

 

Well. The only thing she realized now was just how utterly off base her fears had been.

 

 

 

Because Dahyun was in front of her right now, and it was better than all the memories, idealized or not, that she had of her, of this moment.

 

 

 

Her heart was beating faster than she thought even possible. Her need to breathe and seeming inability to do so battling each other in her chest. The silence and stillness in the world were stifling as her brain essentially shut down all of her other senses to allow her to focus on taking in the sight in front of her, to memorize every little detail. It was as if her mind knew she had been starved of this sight for so long that she needed to drown herself in it, like a dehydrated traveler lost in the desert who had just found an oasis.

 

 

 

 

 

She was so beautiful. And so real.

 

 

 

 

 

She could only watch silently as Dahyun, seemingly in slow motion, took the last few steps towards her until she reached the chair opposite of hers. She watched her grab hold of the chair and then pause as her eyes sought permission to sit. As if Sana could do anything more than just stare dumbly back at her right now. When she didn’t receive any feedback from Sana, she gently pulled the chair back and sat down.

 

Sana couldn’t take her eyes away from her. She watched her pull off her knit cap and shook her hair free, the falling strands framing her face perfectly. Her hair looked different now, smooth grayish brown, when did she ever get interested grooming her hair? It was also styled with softer and wavy but straight. Sana scanned her face, drinking in the details. She followed the arch of her eyebrows, the line of her very pointed nose, the curve of her jaw. She was paler than before, but her skin was just as smooth and flawless, and when her eyes went to her lips. Her lips. A shiver went through Sana as she focused on her lips, remembering what they tasted like.

 

 

 

She forced her gaze away from her lips, back up her nose, and then finally, finally, let herself meet her eyes.

 

 

 

Sana had spent so much time thinking about them, so much time drawing and painting them, that she could see them in her mind every time she closed her eyes.

 

 

 

She knew she was staring longer than was appropriate, but then again, what were the standards on how long she could stare when the love of her life, one whom she had been waiting for every week for the past two years, shows up unexpectedly? Sana didn’t know. She didn’t know if this situation was going to go the way she had pictured it in her head. 

 

 

So she indulged herself and continued to stare to her heart’s content.

 

 

It was Dahyun who spoke first, her voice cutting through the daze clouding Sana’s mind, finally allowing the rest of the world to slowly make its way back in.

 

 

 

"It is good to see you again, Sana."

 

 

 

Her voice sounded almost the same, soft but clear, filled with her characteristic cadence and crisp enunciation that always imparted a sense of informal formality, no matter how close she was to the person. Her voice — god, her voice—the most comforting sound that ever existed, relaxing as ever. Though now, Sana couldn't be sure that it was not real formality. Her speech also seemed tinged with a faint accent she couldn't immediately place. It added a rather subtle melodious quality to her words.

 

Sana's mind still falter from hearing her say her name so many times, and she was unable to find her own voice. She realized that she needed to stay calm. So she just nodded. She didn’t know what else to do. She eventually managed to pull herself from Dahyun’s incapacitating gaze and looked down at the table.

 

 

Still dazed, she picked up the plate containing her half-eaten chocolate pancake and held it out for Dahyun, silently offering it with her eyes as she could not form words.

 

 

Dahyun smiled at her gesture, but lightly shook her head. Her smile.

 

 

She saw Dahyun look around them, taking in their surroundings. It was so cold out that there was no one else sitting outside besides the two of them.

 

 

"I hear that Nayeon has another branch in Gangnam now? I remember she always wanted to. She had such wonderful ideas for this. I am very happy that she was able to see her vision through."

 

 

Sana nodded. Her voice finally returned and she said, "She still sells chocolate pancakes."

 

 

Now, of all the many, many things she had thought of saying when she first saw Dahyun again, talking about Nayeon's morning offerings was most decidedly not one of them.

 

 

But Dahyun smiled again at that, in the kind way she always did whenever Sana said something nonsensical or silly, and indulged her, looking down at the plate before saying, "They still look delicious."

 

 

When Sana did not reply, too busy mentally reprimanding herself for wasting her first words to Dahyun on pancakes, Dahyun tried again, "I have been to many brunch restaurant in London, but I do not think I have had any that were as good as the ones from here. Nayeon's mix is very unique."

 

 

London. London. So that was where she had been this whole time. It placed her soft, not-quite-there accent. Why, why didn’t she think to wander around Europe randomly to look for her?

 

 

"You were in London?” she heard her voice ask, surprising herself at how coherent she actually sounded. “This whole time?"

 

 

Dahyun might have been surprised as well, because she took a moment before confirming with a nod. "Yes, my producer set me up a contract there for a while. I finished an album there."

 

 

Sana gave a slight nod as she digested this information, still a little overwhelmed.

 

 

 

 

"How have you been, Sana?"

 

 

 

She thought about how to answer her. Miserable, Dahyun. I've been in constant pain since you've left. I've been heartbroken and lonely and devastated and suffering and angry at myself. I regret so much and I’ve had to live with that every single day you were gone. I've missed you more than I thought I could ever miss anything. I only sleep to dream of forever with you, but nightmares. I still have nightmares of the way I abadoned you that night. 

 

I am alive, but I am not living.

 

 

“I’ve been good, Dahyun.” The words she wanted to say seemed stuck in . She swallowed thickly. “What about you?”

 

 

“Things are good with me too. I just moved back to work with new people. It took me a while to readjust to life back here, but it has been fun rediscovering everything I love about Seoul.” Her eyes flickered for just a split second on those words. Sana couldn’t help but wonder if, like her, she was also caught on the word love. But whatever it was in her eyes disappeared too quickly.

 

 

“Are you living with Chaeyoung?”

 

 

Dahyun shook her head. “No. She helped me find a place, though. It is in a good neighborhood. It’s nice.”

 

 

“That’s great.” Sana managed a weak smile. “Are you staying?” Her heart thumped hard against her chest and she held her breath.

 

 

Dahyun looked up at the vulnerability in Sana's voice. She was able to breathe easy again when Dahyun nodded. “Yes, most likely. For the foreseeable future at least.”

 

 

The smile she gave in response to that was real.

 

 

“How is your art work going?”

 

 

“It is going well, actually. I have a gallery opening soon.” Sana could faintly recall that she had a lot to do for that today, but everything seemed trivial when compared to what she was doing right now. Making small talk.

 

 

 

 

“I am happy for you, Sana. Your art has always been amazing.”

 

 

 

They fell into silence again. Sana couldn’t stop staring at her. The intensity of her gaze seemed to force Dahyun to turn away, looking to the trees in the distance as they rustled in the wind and the birds screeched above them. 

Everything that was happening seemed surreal. Her mind was running in overdrive but her body felt paralyzed. She blew out a breath, her mind all over the place.

When Dahyun finally looked back, the expression in her face was somber. She took a breath and started, “Sana—“

 

 

“I’m sorry,” Sana blurted out, unable to hold it back any longer.

 

 

 

Dahyun was taken aback by the sudden, unexpected declaration. 

 

 

Sana’s mind raced with all the words she wanted to say, all the words she had practiced over and over again as she prepared for this very moment unfolding in front of her right now. I’m sorry, Dahyun. I’m sorry for everything. I am sorry for all the pain I put you through. I was hurt and I should have told you. Should have worked it out with you. But I was stupid and I didn’t know how much you meant to me until I lost you. I am sorry I abandoned you when you needed me the most and it made you believe that love is an awful thing that hurts. I know I don’t deserve it, don’t deserve anything good, but please give me a chance to make it up to you, any way that you want me to.

 

 

But was dried and her tongue felt coarse and heavy and all she could manage was repeating a low, soft “I’m sorry.”

 

She saw a splash of pain flicker across Dahyun’s eyes, but it was gone as soon as it appeared. Dahy