We're smiling but we're close to tears

Even after all these years

We just now got the feeling that we're meeting

For the first time

She didn't really know exactly how it happened, but here she was again, on Tuesday morning, at the café.

She started telling herself that it was because of habit and routine and her need for caffeine but eventually gave up trying to lie to herself. At least she gave it a good shot, she reasoned.

After her somewhat impulsive agreement to go out with Jeongyeon three weeks earlier, she had decided to also quit her weekly coffee date with no one, thinking that perhaps she could finally overcome this rather significant obstacle to happiness. Let it not be said that she didn’t start out hopeful and determined.

She had gone out with Jeongyeon twice, and they were scheduled for a third date next week. Time spent with her had been pleasant and tame, but it was definitely not enough to stop her from imagining how it would have been with a very different person. With a very specific different person. The first time she failed to show up on a Tuesday, she received several nervous texts from Nayeon who was concerned about her safety when she didn't see her at her table at her usual time. But instead of sleeping in or doing anything productive with her time like she had planned, she found herself awake and anxiously pacing her apartment, texting Nayeon every half an hour to make sure she was watching the table (Yes, Sana, I am working the entire day and Yes, Sana, I was watching your table the entire time and No, Sana, I didn’t see someone who looked like a possible Dahyun.

She thought she would feel the weight of the world lifted off of her shoulders after missing the first Sunday, but instead, she felt even more anxious and uneasy the entire week after. She managed to avoid the café the following Tuesday as well, but was harassing Nayeon so much that she finally just video called her and set her phone where it had a good view of the table for her to watch herself. Sana made her promise that that story was never getting out to their friends.

But the japanese didn’t want to think about it anymore. She knew she would have to one of these days.  Have to honestly evaluate what she was doing and truly consider the more and more likely possibility that her efforts will be fruitless. But today was not that day. Today, she was going to revel in the feeling of giving in to her form of addiction, and release all of the anxiety and fear that had built up from not being here the past two weeks. Taking another sip of coffee under the winter sun, she knew she was where she belonged right now.

"I care about you, in every way I can

You know I'm troubled, but I know you can understand

I'm sorry for the strain

No one prepares you for the way in which things change"

“Unnie.”

Sana was distracted from the music she was listening to when heard the greeting and knew who uttered it before she saw her. She registered that the owner of the voice was standing next to her. It was familiar, as familiar as the voice from the song. It was a sound of safety. It was comforting. It was one of the few words that was so closely associated with her happy past that it brought a smile every time she heard it. She finally looked up, removing the earbuds from her ears.

“Chaeyoung?”

“Can I sit?”

“Of course. By all means” gesturing to the chair in front of her. The korean moved to pull out the chair to sit down.

Sana at the watched as the woman sat down in the chair across from her. It had been a while since she last saw Chaeyoung. Probably four months, she estimated. Right here in the very same place. It was one of the consequences of the breakup that Sana hadn’t anticipated. Never seeing Chaeyoung again, or at least, not seeing her as often as she used to. Apparently when you break someone’s bestfriend’s  heart, you don’t get to continue to enjoy the pleasure of her company as frequently as you’d like.

The first time Chaeyoung had stopped by the café, Sana had already been waiting for three months. The purpose of that visit was clear the moment Chaeyoung sat down. Told her  ‘You should stop this now, Sana. She’s not going to come.’ Whether or not that message was from Dahyun, Sana didn’t know. Chaeyoung refused to tell her, and continued to refuse at all of their subsequent meetings, which occurred on average every 4-5 months after that initial visit. Chaeyoung refused to tell her anything about Dahyun in general. As each ensuing visit showed more and more that Sana was not going to quit no matter what Chaeyoung said, their meetings became more social in nature. Outside of possibly getting information about Dahyun, and after the initial, brief, instinctual fear Sana felt that Chaeyoung was there to tell her that Dahyun was getting married and that she should truly move on, Sana very much did not enjoy these meetings with Chaeyoung.

She remembered how intimidated she had been the first time she met Chaeyoung. The woman was smaller than Dahyun, but has a strong emotional state. She’s loud and expresses what she feels easily, without reservations. Her laugh is LOUD, which makes the people around her laugh also, but it is now due to her laughter. She has cute little tattoos that she personally designs. She has this go-with-the-flow personality but cares for her best friend the most. Sometimes it was hard to believe that she and Dahyun were getting along really well. Unlike Dahyun, who exudes warmth and sunlight wrapped in understated elegance and quiet sophistication, her best friend radiated an air of cool, critical detachment, invoking feelings of stormy clouds and the promise of sudden thunder. Her steely, stoic face betrayed none of her emotions, but her penetrating eyes always seemed to pierce your soul.

Sana had always been used to people taking an almost instant liking to her, but with Chaeyoung, she couldn’t tell where she stood. She was initially sure that Chaeyoung hated her (despite Dahyun’s constant reassurance), until one day when Chaeyoung smiled (well, almost smiled, but Sana counted it) at something Sana said. Chaeyoung realized that Sana was going to be a fixture in her best friend’s life, so she made an effort to get to know Sana, eventually growing to enjoy the artist’s company. Sana soon came to realize that although Chaeyoung was definitely not a teddy bear, she was a secret mother hen. A mother who was fiercely protective of who she cares about. A mother hen who could snap someone’s neck with one hand if she needed to (probably, Sana would guess). The two of them grew to have their own relationship outside of Sana’s relationship with Dahyun and Sana really did come to see Chaeyoung as her best friend.

That relationship she had with Chaeyoung became collateral damage during the breakup, and it was one of the few things Sana truly missed having in her life.

Nayeon had come out to their table after seeing Chaeyoung arrive and was now taking her order – strawberry frappe – while glancing at Sana. She smiled, remembering how much Nayeon had always been intimidated by Chaeyoung. After Nayeon hastily left, they sat in silence for a while.

There was so much Sana wanted to say. Or ask, rather. And most of her questions involved one person in particular. Where is she? Is she healthy? Is she dating? Married? Has she thought about me? Does she know I’m still waiting here every week?

But she didn’t voice these questions,