"Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know"

"The Voices inside my head"

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They say that the people who smile the most suffer the most, they say that usually those who show more emotions than others are the ones who are more likely to get hurt the most and because they never show it, it goes unoticed, they keep everything to themselves and try to deal with whatever is on their minds on their own. 

They will listen to other people's problems, help in every way they can but you'll never hear them complain or talk about what's going on in their minds because they think it's their responsibility to make everyone's pain go away and paint the smiles on their faces and in the end ... they forget about their own.

Keonhee sat in the living room, the atmosphere too cold and too quiet for his likings. He liked it when it was loud, when he would fool around with the others, engage in endless conversations and playful pranks. But at times like these, when it was so quiet, that's when he starts to hear the voices inside his head. That's when the scary parts show themselves, that's when his darkest and scariest thoughts appear making him drawn in an ocean of

Guitl "Why did I say that ?"

Uncertainty "Was it okay of me to say that ?",

worry "Did I hurt him with my words ?" 

and self hatred "Am I even enough ?"

He tried to remember why he was sitting alone here at this late hour, everyone is asleep and he should be too, they have a long day tomorrow but the second everything went quiet, the voices came knocking on his doors, scratching all over his insecurities. He remembered every word that his friends said that might or might not hurt him at the time but now it felt different. They didn't mean it, he thought to himself and he knew it, they didn't, but why is he questioning himself now, why is he questioning his team ? The only thing he should be questioning are these creepy voices, where did they come from ?

When Xion pushed him away while he tried to hug him the other day, when Leedo hit him on the back for trying to mimic him, when Seoho was having a hard time recording and he was frustrated enough to scream at him and asked him to leave him alone ... "Was I wrong ?" ... "Why did I do that ?"

Questioning himself over and over again, thinking that everything he has done was a mistake, he souldn't have gotten in thier way. The truth was, he just wanted their attention, he can't remember thet last time he touched the maknae, he's always on top, not letting anyone get to him, Leedo is strong and lately Keonhee can't approach him either, it has been so long since he and Seoho had a proper talk, Hwanwoong is usually busy with choreography and dance practices and Ravn has his own hobbies, producing and writing songs. He longed for a word with them, a touch. He suddenly felt cold. His only fault was that he cared too much.

He crossed his hands on the low square table in front of him and let his head rest on them. It was really late, but his heart was uneasy and his head was spinning into thousands different directions. He was drowning in his own thoughts, maybe they were better off without him ?

"They hate me" 

"I'm no good to them" ... "Everytime I do something they either get mad or push me away" ... "Shall I just leave ?"

He fell asleep, head down on the table with all these thoughts in his head, so you can imagine the headache he woke up with the next morning. The alarm already went on but Keonghee was too tired to hear it. He woke up to Ravn by his side running a soft hand on his back "Hey Keonhee wake up ... why are you sleeping here ?"  Keonhee looked up immediately hissing at the sudden headache he woke up to "Are you okay ?" Ravn sounded worried but Keonhee knew better not to say anything "I'm fine" he mumbled. What if the older gets upset ? What if he gets angry with him ?

It was going to be a long day.

He appreciated the gentle touch on his back, he wished it could last longer, he wanted to curl up in the other's embrace and not do anything for the rest of the day, he was longing for someone to tell him that he was okay and that everything is fine but all what he got that day was more pressure and pain in his heart. With this stupid headache, he was making a lot of mistakes today. He had to take the photos twice, stumbled into his own words during an interview, tripped into practice multiple times that Hwanwoong was starting to get on his nerves. But actually, he wasn't. No one even noticed, shooting pictures and scenes again and again to make them look perfect wasn't unusual, stumbling into his own words wasn't so bad, everybdy laughed it out, and Hwanwoong wasn't mad at all, actually the main dancer probably made more mistakes than Keonhee but his mind wouldn't shut up. 

The day has passed, a Week has passed and he was getting awefully quiet. His sleepless nights were now getting the best of him, whenever he's in the car or between schedules, he would try and catch up on his missing energy but it was too little. It was easier when everyone was around, the noise, he liked it, it blocked the voices, he has something to focus on other than the back of his head screaming at him. At this point, Keonhee was faint, his mind always somewhere else and he wouldn't talk much, he was getting distant "Maybe this way I won't get in their way" he thought, "Maybe they'll hate me less if I stay away"

They noticed, a while back actually, Keonhee wasn't himself lately and they exchanged worried looks everytime they called his name and he wouldn't respond, his eyes wandering somewhere else, or when he stopped telling them stupid jokes and chasing Xion around for a hug. They noticed a while back and today at practice, Keonhee was too tired to stand off the chair he was sitting on. His body and head screaming at him in all languages.

He tried to sit up but quickly sat back down, the world around him started spinning, he knew that at some point his lack of sleep will come hunt him down but so did the voices in his head and the voices wouldn't leave him alone. He took deep breaths before stepping into the floor with the rest of the boys. He closed his eyes for a second, he hoped that after this long day he'll get to sleep when he gets home. But he got none of that. Suddenly, he heard someone calling his name "KEONHEE" so alarmed, so alerted, what's going on ? what's with the sudden burst ? why everything is upside down ? 

His head hit the floor hard but he didn't feel a thing, he was numb, he saw Seoho's face and then Hwanwoong's, he could hear Geonhak's deep voice but it was so distant, far far away, what's happening ? His head felt so heavy and he couldn't talk, he wanted to reply to his name being called but nothing came out and suddenly he felt so sleepy, so sleepy like he could just close his eyes and sleep righ there and now. He only blinked or he thought he blinked but he was gone ... he was sleeping.

When he first woke up, he felt a strange tight grib on his hand, he immediately looked to his side, Xion was sitting on the floor, his face burried in the mattress and holding Keonhee's hands tightly. He blinked and wondered of why the boy was on the floor, he tried to focus and tilt his head to the side, maybe move or stand up but his muscles fired up at him. His other hand was hooked up to an IV and he could feel something cold against his abdomen "What the hell was this ?" he thought to himself, the room seemed to be bigger than he thought but he couldn't see beyond Xion's head burried down in the mattress next to where his arm was laying.

Suddenly he heard his name being called, a voice so gentle "Keonhee ?" Gunmin came to his line of vision "Can you hear me ? Please don't fall back to sleep stay awake" the older sounded desperate, Keonhee blinked few times before he tried to move his head upwords, he clearly wanted to sit up but Seoho just held him back with a sweet touch on his shoulder not even pushing him down just touching him so gently "No, no don't ... let me get the nurse" 

Hearing all the noise, Dongju picked his head up from where he was dozzing off on the mattress next to Keonhee, his body still on the floor, he looked up and saw Seoho hurring outside so he immediately locked eyes with Keonhee "Hyung" the boy almost cracked, Keonhee was confused at this point "What is this place?"  

Dongju came closer "Please stay with me don't fall back to sleep" Xion was cracking up, tears in his eyes threatening to fall at any second and Keonhee was so confused "W-why are y-you c-crying ?" he asked, his voice came out as a whisper and Xion just tightened his grib around Keonhee's hand bringing it closer to his chest as he started sobbing "I was so scared Hyung, please you just can't" 

And before he could question the younger any further, Seoho came back, two people is white pulled Xion away and soon more people came in, from the corner of his eyes he could tell that it was Youngjo, Geonhak and Hwanwoong. The 5 of them stood at the very end of the room just waiting with so much concern in their faces. Keonhee didn't care what the doctor was doing to him, he just wanted to go back to his friends. The voices, he suddenly remembered, but they meant nothing righ now, nothing at all. Seeing them this hurt because he let himself fall this low, he surrendered to the voices, he shouldn't have listened to them in the first place.  

When they were done, the doctor thought it was okay for the others to come closer. Keohee was slightly sitting up, the doctor has taken the cooling pads off his abdomen and adjusted his IV. When Keonhee was admitted last night, his fever was 40.5° and rising, he under went a hyperthermia, his body was dehydrated and that's when the doctor told them that it was because of extreme exhaustion and lack of rest and sleep. The most devastating news was "We need to wait for him to wake up in order to identify any further damage" ... "If he doesn't wake up in the next 48 hours, he'll fall into coma" it was the scariest night of their lives but when he woke up almost 14 hours later, the boys coulnd't be more relieved.

Getting closer to him brought them to tears, Dongju was already crying when the doctors came in, why everyone esle was so broken ? he saw them and the first thing he uttered was "I'm sorry"

"Why are you sorry ?" Hwanwoong asked falling to his knees next to Keonhee's bed "We are sorry"

"We didn't know we're sorry Keonhee" Leedo continued reaching for Keonhee's hand pressing it tightly into his own and moving the hair away from the younger's face "You can't be sorry" he said looking down at Keonhee.

After things have settled, they all sat around him ... so silent, Keonhee still had to finish the treatement that doctor had ordered, it seemed to get him to feel weak already. They were silently wishing that it will be over soon "They are gone" Keonhee suddenly said obviously too tired from the new medicine running through his veins "Humm ? what's gone" Youngjo asked getting closer to the younger

"The voices" 

Keonhee said and it sounded wrong and weird, they had no idea what he was talking about "What voices?" they asked

"I used to hear them when it gets quiet" and he closed his eyes trying to make sure that they were actually gone "But they're gone"

They were afraid to ask but they had to "What did the voices use to say ?"

"Bad things" he muttered "But I don't hear them anymore" 

It was alarming, nonetheless confusing but Keonhee wasn't in shape to answer all their questions righ now, they made it a promise to ask about it alter, when they're home, when he's better. Keonhee turns a bit to meet Xion "Dongju" he called the younger and the maknae immediately responded "I'm going to sleep for sometime, don't be afraid" he assured and made Xion chuckle in return, the younger released a sigh taking Keonhee's hand into his "Sure Hyung, rest for some time" ... "But later when you wake up, You got to tell me about the voices, I want to hear about them" Keonhee smiled, he knew where this was going and he didn't mind "Sure, I'll tell you about them ... later" he said before he closed his eyes.

Please love him he's a ball of fuzzy sunshine