i'm doomed pt.2

« trauma. »「darawon semi-au」

Jiwon wants to wrap up the recording session but s never miss a chance to put him in trouble with a special someone.

• chapter 6 – too much.


「 Jiwon's POV」


parararing parararing  - parararing parararing


what the ? I don’t remember setting the alarm-clock


I tried to reach the source of annoyance with my left hand the without opening my eyes but couldn’t find my phone anywhere.


whatever, keep ringing, i will just sleep over it.


~ parararing parararing - parararing parararing ~ parararing parararing - parararing parararing ~ parararing parararing - parararing parararing ~ parararing parararing - parararing parararing ~



I forcefully opened my eyes and started to analyze my room to find my damn phone

I was half-asleep and really couldn’t detect the location of the phone even with that annoying ringtone going on and on mercilessly.


what is going on today?! why is my phone playing hide and seek with me?


It was hidden between the mattress and the wall. I remember spending all night playing mobile games, I probably fell asleep like that and the phone just dropped in that small cranny.


here you are little prick.

I slid my finger on the phone hoping to stop the loud ringing.





I was.


From the annoyed voice I could tell it was my manager wake up call. He said he’d start to bombard me with calls to make sure I woke up in time since I needed to prepare for the next SECHSKIES album soon. 

I totally forgot to put my phone on silent the night before. Usually, If he wanted to wake me up, he’d have to get to my house and kick me out of the bed himself.


today I’m going to be magnanimous let him work comfortably.


I ignored his banters and started to get ready to get to YGent’s studio.




“Jiwon-hyung~ you finally came~”

Jaeduck was waiting for me in YG’s lobby, as the loyal friend he was. He was already smiley first thing in the morning.


typical Jaeduckie.


The warm way he addressed me was almost heartwarming and totally made me forget for at least 5 minutes that I wanted to be mad that day.

“Happy to see me? Where are the other two pricks?”. I asked, swiftly taking the Frappuccino he held in his hands. He was too busy answering my question to actually notice the theft.

“Suwon is already in the booth - while... Jaijin, I honestly don’t know”. He took out his phone to glance at the hour, no messages yet from him.

“Eh?” – the youngster whimpered, starting to look around.

“I could swear I had a drink in my hand… Did I put it down?”. He opened and closed his eyes repeatedly.


i swear, he needs to visit an oculist, his eyesight is getting worse as time goes by.


“Aish- Jaeduck-yah! Open your eyes!”. I yelled, already filled with annoyance.

“… but when did I put it down? I don’t remember-…”. He kept thinking to himself, giving his dear leader (me) no attention whatsoever.

“Jaeduck-yah, bullying you is no fun, honestly”. I whined, giving him back the damn Frappuccino. I preferred black coffee anyways.

“Oh! Here it is! Thanks, hyung!”. The content on his face didn’t match my plans of bothering him.

“Let’s go to the recording studio then, I want to go home early today”. I heaved a deep sigh and put my arm around Jaeduck, for support.


I honestly enjoyed spending time in the recording studio, I used to have lots of fun just playing around with Sechskies and recording whatever. Lately I’ve become more and more tired, maybe my age was really starting to make itself heard. The hectic schedule wasn’t helping that at all, If I wasn’t performing, I was filming some kind of variety show. You could turn on the tv and basically find me anywhere. Working so hard became part of me.

Sometimes I would pass out from the moment I took a step in my flat, only to be woken up by my manager. Once on my feet I had to go back to YG for recording and practicing. All my free time was spent recharging, as the schedule drained every ounce of energy my body possessed.

I even stopped gaming for a while, my keyboard started collecting dust and I felt guilty for wasting my monthly subscription to World of Warcraft every time my eyes would fall on my wonderful computer without the chance to use it.

I wanted to stay there the absolute minimum required.


We went down the stairs together and then calmly walked towards the various recording rooms. The hallway was filled with glass doors left and right so that people could easily tell if one room was already occupied, preventing unnecessary intrusions. I still wasn’t used to work in such well-put professional spaces, not even years after signing with YGent.

I looked through all the doors to check if Mino was there, by any chance. We had become close after filming various seasons of New Journey to the West together, he was my dear hoobae, along with his team- mates in WINNER.

I could hear a faint melody coming from one of the studios on my left, I peeked inside and saw Suwon and a couple of staff in front of the booth.

I quietly entered the room - followed by Jaeduck, ready to ask the vocal coach how many times that rascal had cracked his voice in one sitting. He had improved a lot since our debut in 1997 but he still cracked from time to time, just like a pubescent teen.


As I stepped into the studio, my ears were filled with a sweet melody, sweet yet unfamiliar. I was known to be forgetful (of our music especially), but I could swear it wasn’t one of the demos I heard the week prior.

Suwon turned around to face us, having heard the steps behind him and told us to get nearer with his hand.

I looked in the booth and noticed that someone was in there singing.


♪ Wo ming bai Wo yao de ai ♪

I understand the love I want

♪ Hui ba wo chong huai ♪

Will spoil me

♪ Xiang yi ge xiao hai ♪

Like a little child

♪ Zhi dong zai ni huai li huai ♪

Who only knows how to be
bad in your arms

[Ni yao de Ai - Sandara cover]


Sandara was the person recording inside of it. She was glancing down at the lyrics, her hands placed on the sides of the headphones; she was totally absorbed. Her sweet and light voice enhancing the beauty of that song.

She was the last YG artist I expected to meet in the studio, she told me herself that the CEO never let her have a single or an album.


♪ Ni yao de ai ♪

The love you want

♪ Bu zhi she yi lai ♪

Would not just rely

♪ Yao xiang ge da nan hai ♪

Must be a man

♪ Feng chui you ri sai ♪

Feel the wind blow and the heat of the sun

♪ Sheng huo zi you zi zai ♪

Your life unrestrained and carefree


She looked up, probably searching for validation from her vocal coach but her gaze met mine instead, for a second that felt like a whole minute. 

Sandara’s eyes started wavering, looking all over the place, like a lost puppy; our sudden eye-contact clearly made her freak out as she panicked to sing the last verse.

“Mph-“. The vocal coach grew impatient – “You were doing so great before!”. He lamented, turning around to glare at us. His fiery gaze gave off the feeling that it was our fault if she messed up.

He sighed, defeated, and turned around again to face Sandara - “Ok, let’s have a 5 minutes break, then we’ll repeat the second chorus”.

“N-ne! Thank you”. She nodded; her soft voice echoed in all the room as she whispered in the mic in front of her.

“What are you doing here Suwon?”.

“Nothing, I saw Dara in the lobby and since you hadn’t arrived yet, I asked her if I could assist her recording”.


since when are they that close?


“Annyeonghashimnikka sunbae-nim!”. Sandara greeted us with a deep bow as soon as she exited the booth.




“Ne? Annyeonghaseyo”. I replied, her sudden formalities made a shiver dance up my back, she used to call me oppa the very few times we met in the YG building or on Variety shows; the situation already felt weird.

She bowed again to Jaeduck, I breathed in the fruity scent of her hair as she got closer to us.

“Annyeonghaseyoo Dara~”. The room suddenly felt warmer as Jaeduck greeted her with such a wide smile.

And I thought I was the only one Jaeduckie greeted so warmly.

Me and Sandara had the chance to become a little closer as we both filmed Stage K as judges but since her confession on Hun Maen Jung Eum I sincerely didn’t know how to act. I feared that anything I said or didn’t say would affect her, hence the growing awkwardness between us.

She was one of the YG artists that was less likely met in the headquarters, that’s why I never actively avoided her, there was no need to, but Suwon was about to change that.

“Dara, if you’re on a break we could all have a coffee together” – Suwon suggested, with an uncontrollable smile plastered on his face; he always took any chance to get closer to people, this was no exception.


oh hell no.


I struck him with the scariest glare possible, trying to convince him into abandoning that proposition.

“what?”, he whispered, looking at me puzzled.

“W-well… Our manager is actually waiting for us in the other room”. I lied.

“What? Really? He’s not even her-“, Jaeduck intervened innocently.

“He’s very angry”. I lied again, cutting him off.

“He is? Was It Hyung’s fault this time too?”.


that prick-


“Let’s leave”. I said, bolting out of the door.


I was out before she could finish her sentence and Jaeduck quietly followed me to next room.

He looked around the studio as he entered, only to find confusion.

“What? Hyung, where’s the manager?”.

I sat on the couch at the back of the room and murmured to myself.


Suwon was the last one to get inside.

“Hyung, you didn’t even greet her back, that’s rude”. He scolded me upon entering.


I, myself, didn’t know why acted like that.

I just did.

“What’s going on? You look suspicious hyung”. – he continued, observing my growing discomfort.





“Are you avoiding her?”.




“What are you talking about?!”.

I kept averting his inquisitorial gaze, never in my life I thought I’d feel so powerless in front of my dongsaeng.

“Why would he?”. Jaeduck asked, tilting his head – he still didn’t get the situation.

“Is it because she confessed to you?”.


bingo again.


“Of course, not”. I played it cool.

“Whatever you say Hyung”.

Suwon immediately gave up on his interrogation and picked up his phone to call someone.


phew. so close.


I rushed out of the door and went out of the first emergency exit.

I exhaled, the temptation to go back to my bad habits was lurking around as always.

Leaning on the railing, I lit up one of the last Marlboro I had in the packet and brought the cigarette to my mouth.


I disliked talking about my personal matters with SECHSKIES, no matter how close we were.

I hated when people told me what to do, what not to do. I really hated all of it.

I didn’t know how to react to that confession.

Was I supposed to answer that?

Was it a joke?

I really didn’t know how to act in front of her upon hearing how much she admired me.

Why was she even interested in someone like me?

Tv had already shown to the nation all of my fatal flaws and bad habits.


if she really is a fan then she must have watched all of those shows-


she’s so popular between men, can’t she find interest in someone who isn’t me?

can’t she like someone who isn’t addicted to videogames?

someone who is caring and loving?

someone who is not a divorcee?

what a terrible taste for men she has.


I puffed, my thoughts melting down as smoke came out of my lungs.

“Hyung, the manager is searching for you”. – Jaijin appeared in front of me all of a sudden, crossing his arms.

“Sure, let me finish this”.

“I thought you were trying to stop smoking”.

“Maybe tomorrow”. I chuckled.




We were about to wrap up our recording session.

Everything felt right, it was a great day for everyone. Suwon didn’t crack, not even once. I was sincerely moved, like a proud father of three talented rascals.

I almost forgot how close he got me to such an embarrassing situation, to chit chat with her after her confession on Hun Maen Jung Eum? Suwon would’ve poked fun of me and made both uncomfortable.

Thankfully I had a hunch and knew before he had the occasion to do so.

I sat on the leather couch, sipping on some energy drink that YG provided in their refs. I took out my phone and started scrolling the news.


Sandara Park Admits To Having A Crush On SECHSKIES’s Eun Ji Won For The Past 22 Years 


The article’s title was so flashy that even Jaeduck managed to read it. He sat beside me and I already predicted what was about to go down.

“Heeee~ Hyung~ you have an admirer~”.

“That’s not it”.

“Is that why you avoided Dara at all costs this morning?”. Jaeduck finally gathered all the pieces himself, even if a little late.

“Don’t talk non-sense”. I looked away, already annoyed, I thought the matter was now dead.

“I KNEW IT!”. Suwon screamed, victorious, he saw right through my actions as soon as I lied.

“Do you feel embarrassed now that you know her feelings? Is that why?”.

I kept silent. 

“You shouldn’t be hyung”.

Jaeduck placed his hand on my thigh, to comfort me.

“Whatever”. I turned my back on him.

“No matter how I look at it, they wouldn’t fit. Just look at him”.

Suwon butted in with his usual useless commentary.

“WHAT?! What’s wrong about me?”.

He continued - “Well, Dara is so lively and bright while you hyung-... you’re so gloomy and ill-tempered”.


i’ll show you who’s ill-tempered you ungrateful bastard.


“She’s be a better fit with someone like Suwon-ie, don’t you think?”. Jaeduck chuckled.


suwon? and why is that?


I let them run their mouths how they wanted, they would witness my fury later.

“Hyung, aren’t you interested in her?”. Blurted Jaeduck with curiosity in his eyes.


why would I be?


I stopped considering the females around me as “women” since I divorced. The thought just didn’t come across my head since then. 

“I am not”.

Jaeduck moved his hand up to my shoulder, he was known to be touchy.

“Ayy hyung~ Don’t be like this, you should really give women a chance”.

“That’s why you’re always grumpy lol”. Suwon slipped his comment in the conversation.


i swear to god I’m going to kill that cheap mouth of Suwon.


“Oh, you actually have her phone number hyung”.

I quickly turned my head towards Jaijin, who sat at the very back of the room; he had my phone in his hands.



he has my phone in his hands.



“You saved her as Park Sandara? Wow, you’re so cold”. Added Suwon who was peeking from Jaejin’s shoulder with great interest.

I was furious. Nobody touches my possessions. Why the hell were they checking my phone? 

I stood up and walked toward him to get it back but he quickly handed it to Suwon.

“Suwon-ah, don’t be foolish, what are you doing?”. I turned around to face him, ready to fight him.

“Jaeduck quick, ask her out for Jiwon Hyung~!”. He slid my phone onto the table, passing it to Jaeduck, who was still sitting on the couch during this childish riot.

He started typing as soon as he caught the phone.

“Should I put many emojis?”. He asked, giggling.


Jaeduck pouted and put the phone down onto the table.

“Sorry Hyung... we were just fooling around”.

I couldn’t resist, scolding him was like scolding a small puppy. I just couldn’t bring myself to do so.

“Don’t get mad Hyung, it wasn’t even sent”.

Suwon tried to defuse the situation as always.






don’t tell me.

it can’t be possible.

for. s. sake.


“I will beat the three of you senseless, what have you done?!”

All three looked at each other to find support.

I was enraged. All I could think of were the profanities that could slip out of my mouth in that moment.

“I-it was sent?! O-OMO H-HYUNG I DIDN’T THINK I-”.

Jaeduck’s voice wobbled as he panicked in front of the situation.

“At least he made you sound cool hyung~ “. Added Suwon who had just read the chat.


i am cool.


“She already replied tho, what are you going to do?”.

Asked then Jaejin, going straight to the point.



i’m doomed.

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chapter 12 is finally out!

What are you more interested in? [trauma. darawon ff]

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