Heejin's Flashback POV

"Heejin. You know that I will never do wrong by you...right?"

"Of course. I'm your favorite person in the world after all, am I not?"

"Yep. The cutest too ;)"

Normally when someone tells you that their first love was a Kpop star, you would look at them weirdly and assume that they are a crazed fan. Now imagine what their reaction would be if they knew that you were that idol's first love and first kiss.

Ryujin and I have known each other since elementary school, but we never became really close until I was in 5th grade and she was in 3rd grade. Funny thing...the nickname Heekki actually originated from Ryujin. Once on Halloween, I dressed up as Bugs Bunny and she dressed up as Yosemite Sam. In other words, we were an adorable pairing. When we revealed our outfits to each other for the first time, Ryujin immediately exclaimed: "You look exactly like Bugs Bunny! You're not Heejin, you're Heekki!! Heekki Heekki!"

This is also why I don't really like people calling me Heekki. It brings up some bittersweet memories. Memories that I'd rather not think about. Our first kiss was 2 years ago towards the end of my senior year and her sophomore year. My family, her family, and some other families from the church that we go to all went on a trip to France. One night, the adults went out to enjoy some wine and the local culture. The teenagers and younger kids stayed at the hotel. We split up by age and hung out with our general age group. 

That day, if I recall correctly, Ryujin was crying about something. When I found her in her room, she raised her head to look up at me, eyes puffy and nose runny. I immediately ran to grab some tissues. 

"Do you wanna talk about it Ryujin? I'm always here for you ya know."

"I really don't want to talk about it right now. Can you just hug me?"

"Whatever you need, however long you need."

"Heejin, why are men so dumb?"

"No idea. Not all of them are bad though. Some of the guys in class are really nice."

"I know, I know. It's just...some of them are so rude to me, then tell me that they like me. What's up with that?"

"No idea. Who hurt you though? Want me to take care of them?"

"No no, you're fine. Just stay here beside me please......say Heejin...do you think I'm a sinner and deviant?"

"What?! You? You're the biggest goody two shoes I know!"

"Yes, but...what if a single characteristic of mine is enough to send me to Hell?"

"What characteristic are you so worried about? Plus, I mean...this is controversial to say, especially on a trip with so many other Church kids...but you can always become an atheist?"

"Hah...yeah sure. I just...forget it. I wish that everyone else in the world could be as kind and understanding as you are. Aren't you afraid that someone will take advantage of your kindness and hurt you?"

"Well, it's better to be kind than selfish. And if I do get hurt, well...I'll live through it I'm sure."

"Haha, you better. Who else can I bully and get away with it?"

"YA! I'll have you know that I'm 2 years your senior!"

"I know...I love you eonnie... I mean it too."

"Awww! I love you too kiddo."

"Probably not in the same way I do but...forget it."

"Hmm? Listen. If you still want..."

Our eyes meet. She looks up at me and I down at her. I can see her gaze drop down to my lips before slowly rising up again to meet mine. She leaned in closer to me, hesitating for a moment to look back up at me. When she saw that I didn't retract back, she moved forward once again and softly kissed me. The kiss was sweet and slow, yet filled with a sorrow that I couldn't comprehend at the time. 

Rejection. Fear. Isolation.

As we separated and looked into each others' eyes, I saw those emotions in greater clarity.

"I- I'm sorry I have to go."

She up and left. Just like that. We didn't talk for an entire week after that. Tired of the nonsense, I stopped her one day after her dance practice.

"We really need to talk. I hate how you are ignoring me. I really just want to be there for you. Can we PLEASE talk?"

"Chaeryeong and Yuna, go on ahead. Tell Yeji and Lia that I'll be late to the cafe."

"Ok eonnie. Take your time."

"Ok. Wassup?"

"Can we talk in my car? It's more private. No funny business, I swear. The worst, most criminalizing thing I'll do is drive you to that cafe you were talking about earlier. Promise."

"Fine."

Ryujin walks over to my car, opens the passenger side door, and reclines the chair.

"You haven't talked to me at all for a week. I've been really worried and just wanted to check in on you."

"Why are you always this worried? For someone who wants to become a boxer, you sure are cautious. Not really as cool and suave as I thought. Anyway, I've been busy recently. I just got chosen to debut next year!"

"Oh, congrats!"

"Thanks."

"Ok back to the original topic. Can we talk about what happened last weekend on the vacation?"

"I'd rather not talk about that. Anything else you want to talk about?"

"Ryujin...please. You can't just...just...kiss me and then leave without talking to me for a week!

"Well, what the hell am I supposed to say? I took a risk and it backfired in my face. I AM a sinner Heejin. I like girls. I like you. I took a stupid leap and did something stupid when you don't even ing like me back!"

"But I DO like you! If you hadn't blocked me in your contacts you would be able to see that for the past week I've been trying to contact you and explain that I feel the same way! ......we can work this out together Ryujin. I love you too Ryujin. I mean it. Can we give this relationship thing a shot?"

 "You do realize that we won't have much time for each other, right? You have your college exams and I will likely be debuting and practicing. On top of all that, we have to keep this relationship a secret from the masses. While the majority of people are accepting and understanding, if things work out both of us will be in positions of social spotlight. We need to be careful."

"Yes yes, I've taken all of that into consideration. We would just have to cherish our time together even more. I still want to try though. I still want to be with you. After all, isn't that what love is for? ......If you reject me now, I'll understand. It'll take me some time to heal, but I'd still be there for you as a regular close friend. Not your girlfriend. Whaddya say?"

"Let's be the cutest lesbian couple the world will never see!"

Or so we thought. It was cloud nine up until one day in the middle of summer when I got a call from an unknown number. Turns out, it was one of the executives at PYJ Entertainment. At first, I thought that I had been scouted or something, but that wasn't the case. 

I was brought into a boarding room where I saw PYJ himself. 

"You are Jeon Heejin, correct?"

"Yes, sir. May I ask why I'm here? I never auditioned for this company or any other company."

"Wow, you really are a little doll. I'll cut straight to the chase. Do you know Ms. Shin Ryujin?"

"Um, yea. She is an underclassman at the school I just graduated from."

"Is that really all she is to you?"

"Excuse me?"

"We have footage of you guys meeting very frequently in front of our company. We also have footage of Ryujin holding your hand and getting into your car."

"I don't know what you are accusing me of sir. Can't best friends hang out and travel together?"

"Do best friends also kiss each other?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Listen. I have issues with the fact that it is a lesbian relationship. What I'm worried about is the timing. Currently, Ryujin hasn't even debuted yet. I don't want any pre-debut controversy. Dispatch has already hinted to us that they have your footage. I've heard that you are also preparing to debut in another career path. Let's make a deal. My company has a rule where the idols are not allowed to date for 3 years. After 3 years, you guys can do whatever you please with your relationship. Just be mindful of tabloids. I understand that they are just trying to put food on the table, but the articles and controversy have caused issues with mental health in the past. Essentially what I'm asking you to do is take a break from Ryujin. We'll pay Dispatch a fee to keep things under wraps."

"Sir I..."

"Please. Consider both your career and Ryujin's. You know how hard she has worked to get to this point. To put things into your perspective, if she takes a hit now, there's a high chance she won't get back up."

"So I just can't meet with her, right? Am I allowed to message her or call her?"

"We'll designate times for you guys to call each other. Now, do we have a deal?"

"Deal."

Each month we called each other, at most, 4 times. Once a week, just to check in on each other. Apparently, her groupmates didn't even know about us. Ryujin was able to hide it well from most people...just not her father.

Mr. Shin somehow got wind of what was going on. Luckily, he didn't know which female was "corrupting" his daughter. He went to PYJ and demanded answers. A representative contacted me and told me not to worry. PYJ was somehow able to negotiate a deal with PYJ. However, after this moment my communications were completely cut off from Ryujin. One day while I was passing by the company, I overheard some younger trainees talking about how Ryujin was regularly visiting a therapist and psychologist. Roughly a month later, it was announced that Itzy's debut would be delayed by a month due to Ryujin's "challenges with mental health".

Like that, we slowly drifted apart. I feel like Mr. Shin had an itching suspicion that I was to blame for his daughter's "deviant behavior". A month after Ryujin debuted I noticed the same handful of people in different outfits following me almost everywhere. Once my parents realized this, it created some tension between the families. At that point, I had my own apartment and didn't live with my parents anymore, so they weren't exactly up to date on my personal life. I visited them a few times every month but never mentioned it.

After tailing me for a while with nothing to report, Mr. Shin sent a formal apology to my family. My parents wanted to sue, but I told them to just sweep things under the rug. Since then, our families have drifted apart too. My parents have always been pretty liberal and open-minded, so they knew about and accepted my uality. Mr. Shin's formal apology had homophobic slurs in it, so my parents and I never really formally accepted it. We just let bygones be bygones and distanced ourselves.

This is the first time in a year and a half that I've seen Ryujin. What am I supposed to do?