It’s five in the afternoon, Sana was found laying on the bed, lazing around trying to figure out what just happened during Christmas Eve. It was dramatic as both of her best friends admitted something they shouldn’t. Something she hoped wasn’t real, so she just didn’t have to choose, but it did and now her feelings began to open up to something she couldn’t understand.

 

She watched the sunset  across her balcony window; the rays fall through as she sighed.

 

“Why is this happening to me?” looking at her phone as if she were waiting for an answer to be made. In a few moments, her phone rang.

 

The instant ring jolted her, and Jeongyeon’s name never felt as nerve wracking as it is now. She stared at the phone for quite a few times as her thumb trembled before answering.

 

“Hello” a cracked voice released from her, anticipating for the voice on the other line to reply.

“[Hi]” a silent voice that seemed unfamiliar to her, with nothing but an endless dead air followed. Her heart pounded, her hand trembled and her lips quivered trying to hide the pain she feels from the voice that uttered. Jeongyeon cleared to break the ice.

“[How are you]” She tried to straighten up her tone

“Great. What about you?”

“[I am fine.]” she chuckled and another dead air from the call broke. A sigh was sent by the other line “[Look, Sana..]” her voice stuttered from the call of her name. Sana clenched her fist and bit her lip, waiting for the next reply.

 

“[I am sorry]” Her voice was cracking as if her emotions were overflowing, trying to reach her but Jeongyeon wouldn’t let it out. “[I didn’t know this would happen. I mean, I did, but.. not like this]” she paused as she took a breather.

“[I know it’s hard for you, but I don’t need to hear a reply, not now at least]”

“What do you mean by that”

“[I am happier just letting you know and you still allowing me to be part of your life despite it]”

“I understand, but either way, I don’t even plan on leaving you even if you’re into me. It’s just that, I never knew.. I am sorry,” the other line sent a sad chuckle which slightly broke a piece of her heart.

“[It’s okay, it’s been 9 years.]”

“Ugh.” Sana grunted as she plopped herself on the bed “9 years, Jeongyeon? I was dense for 9 freaking years? Why haven’t you said anything?”

“[Because, I was afraid to lose you.]”

“But you won’t. Ah. I hurt you for 9 years.. Chaeyoung said the same thing. I hurt both of you for that long?” Her eyes began to moisten as her voice starts to crack

“[It’s my fault. I wasn’t able to be strong enough to know what you think. I didn’t want to hear the answers you’ll probably say. I was afraid]” Jeongyeon cracked a bit, enough for Sana to feel her pain from the other line. Jeongyeon’s sincerity to loving her was evident to the sound of her voice. She knew, she was trying to put an act. A sigh is all what she can do. 

“[I am fine, Sana. You don’t have to worry]”

“But..”

“[heh. Come on, I loved you this long. Can we just pretend you didn’t know?]”

“Now that’s even worse, you know?”

“[worth a shot]” she laughed

“There’s something about me that I wanted to say, but I just can’t seem to put my finger on it.”

“[Please don’t and spare me the heartbreak]” her voice cracked as she hides it with a chuckle

 

“I am sorry. I wish I could give you something to help you go through this, but I can’t”

“[I don’t need anything, Sana. Just you.. being you is enough.]”

“You saying that doesn’t help. When I know I can just give you that answer you wanted”

“[if it’s something I want, then I don’t want it anymore]”

“Why?” Another sad chuckle was sent from the other line

“[Because, if it’s something I want and not what you want, it’s not worth it..]” 

 

Sana’s eyes widened as she paused from the latter’s response. This left her speechless, with nothing but air coming out from her lips, trying her best to counter her. Jeongyeon chuckled once again. 

 

“[You know what, just forget it Sana]”

“Feelings don’t go away that easily, you know? Are you kidding me?”

“[No, I am not, but I also don’t want you to keep thinking that I want something in return.. That is not my intention]”

“I see..” Jeongyeon chuckled as she breathed once again to break that awkward conversation.

 

“[Let’s go home together, Sana. You know, everyone’s leaving anyway for Christmas.]”

“Oh, back home?”

“[Yeah. It should be fun and keep us away from you know, whatever this drama is]” she laughed. 

“Okay, when?”

“[Tomorrow, I’ll pick you up at eight. Sounds good?]”

 

Sana hummed with a smile on her face

“[Cool, I’ll see you tomorrow.]”

“I’ll see you too”

“[Sana?]”

“Yeah?”

“[Smile. Okay?]” Sana chuckled with a hum of agreement as she drops the call.

 

‘This is not easy’ she mumbled, covering her eyes with her arms as the tears silently dropped. ‘Why me?’

 

***

 

Jeongyeon glanced over Sana, noticing her change of aura the moment they hopped off the train.

 

“You okay?” she smiled

“Yeah” she stuttered “it’s just that, after all the things that has been happening. Returning back here seems so off.”

“Don’t worry. It’s okay” she gently held out her hand, waiting for Sana to grab it. Sana hesitantly grabbed her hand with a fake smile. Jeongyeon knows how half-heartedly Sana accepted her gesture. She chuckled and let it flow, as they both walked out of the station on the way back home.

 

Sana and Jeongyeon had reached their neighborhood as their families welcomed their return, with their eyes moistened and the smile of joy, they happily hugged them.

 

“Sana”

“Mom” she cried with joy, hugging her mother for so long. 

 

“Sana, it’s so good to see you” a deep voice familiar to her called behind her mother

“Dad.” She ran to him, hugging him tightly “I missed you”

“I missed you too.” Her parents smiled as they hugged her, taking a glance at Jeongyeon and her parents behind her

 

“Jeongyeon, look how much you’ve grown” the mother laughed as she walked towards her, hugging the latter as well

“Nice to see you too, Mrs. Minatozaki,” she laughed

“Come in. I cooked for everyone..”

“Yeah, we’ve been waiting for you,” the father added

“Thank you so much” Jeongyeon bowed as she and her family walked in the Minatozaki residence. 

 

It was such a familiar scene for Sana, how she missed the dimmed living room on those wood patterned tiles. The sofas and pictures on the walls remained the same as how she clearly remembers. Nothing seemed to change. She sighed with relief and placed a smile. Jeongyeon turned to her with a smile she knows perfectly well. As a small vision from their childhood played in her head. 

 

Small rocks are being thrown onto the window panes, making those soft glass noise to wake her up. Sana’s younger self gently got up as she switches her night light on. 

 

“Ah. She’s awake” she heard a faint voice underneath her. She sees two small kids she knows too well, smiling back at her with a wave.

 

“Sana!” The smaller kid waved and called her out.

“Let’s go” the taller spoke.

“—Are you guys serious? My parents would kill me”

“It’s not like we’re doing anything wrong?” They laughed.

“Come on” the smaller insisted. Sana hesitated to climb out of her window, but she did anyway. Reaching her way to the branch near her.

 

“All right. I’ll catch you,” the taller said.

“Jeongyeon, I swear If I—“

“Trust me” she smiled over her “I’ll never let you get hurt, Sana” She looked down on her, with her eyes watering from fright. “Trust me” she grinned.

 

Sana gently took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she let herself drop from the branch. Jeongyeon’s eyes widened as she accurately tried to catch Sana.

 

“Gotcha!” She grunted as Sana’s body fell on her.

 

Sana hesitantly opened her eyes as she sees Jeongyeon smiling at her with a chuckle.

“Told you I’d catch you”

“W-Whatever” she shuffled and tried to get away from Jeongyeon’s grasp

 

“Okay lovebirds! Are you guys ready?” The hyped up kid called out to them with her face somewhat bruised having a strip of a bandage on her left cheek. She smiled with her eyes and dimples.

 

“You’re too loud Chaeyoung, it’s just 4am,” Sana sighed, walking closer to the cub

“Well, if you take your time, we’d miss the sunrise!” She laughed.

“Oh Chaeyoung.” She rolled her eyes and smiled at her. Chaeyoung then gently reached over her hand, gently intertwining them. Jeongyeon walked beside Sana, as she gently held her hand.

 

“Let’s go, Sana” Chaeyoung laughed with a grin on her face. She looked over her two best friends who smiled at her brightly. Jeongyeon nodded and glanced over Chaeyoung.

 

The two girls began to pull Sana, towards the park as she looked over both of her hands being pulled by two of the most important people in her life. She watches their back and their smiles as their hair flows together with the wind. She chuckled while her eyes did the talking. 

 

‘I’d never want anything to change between us. I want to be here with the both of you, for as long as I can. I’ll treasure every moment.’

 

Her vision slowly faded to white as their laughs echoed in her head.

 

Sana was staring at a picture frame she had on her drawer. Three kids with their arms around each other and Sana being in the middle. She smiled at the frame as she lifts this up.

 

“Those were the good days isn’t it?” Jeongyeon uttered behind her, walking closer.

“Yeah. It was” she sighed “Ever miss those days?” Jeongyeon peaked at the photo to find all three of them smiling, nothing seemed to separate them.

“Yes.”

“I see.”

“Things are different now, huh,” Jeongyeon uttered

“They are. It feels as if we lost something so dearly, and that we all just became strangers to each other.”

“No matter how or when, it seems we had ruined our friendship from the beginning”

“I despise that” Sana monotonously uttered.  Jeongyeon slightly jerked from her sudden tone.

 

“I hate it. A lot.” She repeated “we’ve been together for years now, and suddenly we all became strangers like nothing had happened. I hate it”

“Sana..”

“I don’t mind if you guys like me, or have those feelings for me, but all that matters to me is having both of you by my side”

“But we are here”

“As strangers. It’s not just me Jeongyeon. There’s Chaeyoung too.” She turned to her with her eyes moistened.

 

“Sana.. you know how much Chaeyoung means to me too”

“Yeah, but it’s not the same.” She hung her head “I just want it all back. How we used to laugh, how we used to talk, How we used to hangout with no boundaries of thinking what would happen. I want it all back, where these feelings were not a thing. Where nothing matters but us and how were are when we were all together,” she paused as tears slightly dropped “I want it all back, Jeongyeon. Thinking about the change hurts me more than thinking about these feelings I have for the both of you. I’d rather not love than change anything between us,” she sobbed.

 

Jeongyeon sighed as she wrapped her arms around her.

“It’s okay. Everything will be fine.”

“It won't”

“It will. I’ll make sure of it. Okay?” She faked a smile as she turned Sana to look at her “Please smile. I hate seeing you cry” Sana just buried her head onto Jeongyeon’s chest as she bursts out of tears.

“I’m sorry” is all what she could utter. 

“It’s okay..” Jeongyeon patted her head, hugging her tightly “say..” she paused “how about we go look for Chaeyoung, and fix this”

“Are you serious?” She pulled up.

“Y-yeah. I need to talk to her too,” She sighed.

 

“But, I don’t know where Chaeyoung is.”

“Didn’t she return to uh, Chungnam.. was it?” Sana nodded With a smile

“—but.. I don’t know where that is..”

Jeongyeon hummed as she thought for a bit.

 

**** 

 

Sana and Jeongyeon stomped their way down to the living room to find their parents talking and having fun with some board games.

 

“Mom, Dad” Sana called

“Ah, yes Sana”

“You remember Chaeyoung right? Son Chaeyoung”

“Yeah, of course. Wasn’t she in Seoul with you guys?”

“Yeah. Yeah, but do you know where they live now? You said you still had contact with her mom right?”

“Oh, Son Sungyoung is still here.”

“What do you mean?” Sana and Jeongyeon’s eyes widened

 

“Chaeyoung’s mother is still here. I believe she hasn’t left after that divorce”

“Divorce?”

“Ah, you girls were too young to understand— but I believe, she’s still here. Why don’t you girls pay her a visit,” The mother uttered.

“S-same house?” The mother hummed in agreement 

 

“The first house on the right. Oh, since you’ll pass by the Sungyoung, please give her this,” the mother handed over a small pot “Greet her Merry Christmas for me too,” she smiled.

“Okay mom. Thank you”

“Be safe girls,” she smile

 

“Uh, should I carry that?” Jeongyeon asked.

“Nah, I can handle it” and they began leaving off to the Son’s residence.

 

*** 

Sana and Jeongyeon were walking down that nostalgic road on the way to Chaeyoung's house.

 

"First house on the right" Sana mumbled as she clenched onto the pot's handle.

"Nervous?"

"No. I know she's not there but, this feeling seemed weird and strange. I miss it somehow"

"yeah." Jeongyeon sighed with a smile "It's been a while" 

 

Silence engulfed them as nothing but their footsteps can be heard on the emptiness of the road.  Laughs began to echo in Sana's ear, voices she knew too well as they continued to walk that road.

 

"Sana! hurry up!" a kid giggled, looking back at her as she ran up the steep road

"Chaeyoung! wait a second!"

"you are too slow"

"No! you are just too fast!" Chaeyoung's younger self laughed

"Come on." she continued

 

"Yah! Chaeyoung!"

"hahaha hurry! Jeongyeon is waiting!" she hopped about with her arms spread like a plane, and the voices slowly faded

 

Sana and Jeongyeon halted in front of the house gates, as they looked up to it. 

"the gates.. used to be so much bigger" Jeongyeon uttered "has this always been this reachable

"I remembered we used to climb these gates" Sana laughed

"oh.. right, you.. were such a handicap for me and Chaeyoung" 

"Excuse me?!"

"Are you passing by?" she taunted

"Jeongyeon!" and the latter laughed

 

In a few moments the gates clicked and was unlocked from the other side, Revealing Chaeyoung's mother peeking through the door

 

"May I help you?" she uttered

"ah! Auntie. It's uh.. Sana" The lady squinted through the slightly opened gate and smiled as she greeted them warmly.

 

"Sana, is that you? my.. oh how have you grown." she chuckled and turned to Jeongyeon.

"Hey auntie" she grinned

"Jeongyeon, my you are so tall"

"uh. just a little bit really."

"oh my, come in. Come in"

 

"We got you something." Sana lifted the pot with a grin

"ah. Thank you, come. Have some tea"

 

*** 

Sana and Jeongyeon roamed around the nostalgic living room. A house they spent many afternoons together playing and goofing around after school. Where they shared many memories of the three of them playing pretend or simply watching their favorite show on the tv. It was all the same it hadn’t changed at all, the same brown leather couch that shared it’s handful amount of spilled snacks and drinks on it. Sana made her way to the fireplace that held many pictures of Chaeyoung when she was younger. She remembered when she was too short to look at them as they hung proudly above her 6 year old self out of reach. Now they were below her shoulders, she examined each one carefully. She noticed that just like the house, the pictures stayed the same. In the same old rich dark oak wooden frame around each picture. 

 

“She’s adorable, isn’t she,” The mother came in with a teapot and cups on the tray. Smiling over the kids. “I remember how much you three spend so many days in this house. It’s like yesterday that this house were filled with loud laughters,” she chuckled as she sat down to serve the tea. Sana sighed.

 

“Yeah, those were the days,” She uttered

“I believe my daughter goes to school with the two of you”

“Yeah, she does. We hang out sometimes” Jeongyeon added with a smile and the mother nodded as she poured tea on their cups.

 

Sana and Jeongyeon’s eyes roamed around the house, observing every little details they can spot.

“Nothing has changed really. Ever since that day,” the mother uttered.

“I see. Why is that” The mother hummed, she took a deep breath and released.

“So, why don’t you girls feel at home and look around. I’ll just have to do some remaining chores I have for the day” she ignored the question, stood up and smiled “You girls know still know the place really well, I presume” She chuckled, and the girls nodded “Very well then.” And she took her leave. Sana stood up as she began to roam around, looking at some old photos she remembers clearly.

 

There was one of Chaeyoung holding up a drawing, another of her when she was a baby food all over her face. Her eyes drifted to one with three young girls their arms around one another with the biggest smile on their faces; It was a picture of the three of them just coming back from a school trip. Sana and Jeongyeon made their way through the hallways making sure to not miss a single picture hung on the wall. “It was strange” Sana thought “All the pictures stopped after a certain age, there were no pictures of Chaeyoung after the age of 14” Sana could see that Jeongyeon was thinking the same thing as she looked closely at the pictures. 

 

They walked down the hallway until they stood in front of Chaeyoung’s room. Jeongyeon turned the knob opening the door slowly. The two walked into the room slowly, the walls still decorated with the same drawings that were filled with emotions and memories. The same soft gray painted walls, Chaeyoung’s old study table that had their names etched on the surface of the desk. Their height marking column that the three marked of themselves on the side of the closet. It was all left untouched; as if it had been preserved to be displayed in a museum.  

 

“This looks familiar..” Sana squinted over the dusted painting. To see a tree that seemed familiar to her, and those double rocks behind it. A kid with that yellow shirt and blue jeans stood in front of that familiar scene Chaeyoung painted. Jeongyeon peaked at the painting, as her eyes widened.

 

“This looks familiar”

“How so?”

 

Sana remained squinted as she tried her best to remember. As a small flashback played in her head.

 

“Hey! Sachi!” The kid called out to her as the moon shines brightly above them glistening the river streams. 

“Are you sure we can stay here? What if they look for us”

“It’s okay. I’ll show you something” she grinned as she continued to hop about. The kid stood in front of sana with a grin, and the scene with the river stream on the right, the tree behind her and those double rocks. 

 

Sana’s younger self stared at her with awe. 

“Beautiful isn’t it?” The kid uttered

“Yeah..”

“It’s where the moonlight touches the river and reflects the water’s surface to the rocks to show that rainbow spectrum— see?” She pointed.

 

The moonlight shone on the water like a pale band of silver. The moon-bleached stones on the side of the river. The reflected moonlight displayed a soft shimmering glow; emitting the colours of the rainbow. 

 

“Whoa” 

“Pretty isn’t it?” Sana nodded with a smile on her face as the kid pulled her up to get a better view of the light’s reflection. “This is my favorite spot to go to at night. I always take a picture of this wonderful scene before I go back home after the camp”

 

“Are you leaving soon?”

“Uh.. after camp, most likely”

“Will you be here in the next camp?”

“I hope” she chuckled as she stared at the reflected river. “I’d love to see this river again”

 

Suddenly the vision slowly faded.

 

“It can’t be.. can it?” Sana mumbled.

“Can’t be what?” Jeongyeon’s voice stuttered

“I had multiple dreams of a kid I used to play with in Japan. She saved me when I was wandering around the woods. I’ve been meaning to remember her name, but nothing seemed to pop out”

“Oh.. you have dreams of that kid?”

“I wanted to meet that person who saved me, it seemed I knew her all these years. But this painting..” she squinted, trying to figure out the pieces to the puzzle “it resembles her so much. The scene, the shirt, the way this was painted.. can it be?”

 

“Why is this kid important?” Jeongyeon uttered in a monotone. Sana turned to her, hanging her head, hesitating to tell her what the real reason was.

 

“R-Remember when.. I told you I liked someone once?”

“Yeah, you never told me the story of who that was.. Was it the kid?”

“It’s a childish thing really. It was a long time ago, but it was the only time I ever felt I’ve liked someone more than I could ever give”

 

Jeongyeon sighed, took in a deep breath and released 

“And you say, loving you for 9 years is ridiculous” she laughed

“But it’s not like that Jeongyeon. I just.. want to see her, nothing more.”

 

“But what if it was Chaeyoung. What would you do?”

“Huh..”

“What if.. she knew all this time, that’s the reason why she took care of you and made sure you were okay..”

“Chaeyoung left.. remember”

“But she came back. Her feelings never changed.” Jeongyeon paused and sighed as she averted her eyes “what if, it was Chaeyoung. What would you do?”

“I.. I don’t know” she hung her head low “if it was her, why hasn’t she said anything to me.. why..”

“Maybe she tried to tell you, but timing wasn’t in your favor..”

 

Sana’s eyes widened as small kid voices reminisced in her head.

“I’ll have to show you something.. tomorrow”

“Tomorrow? Why not today?”

“Because it’s late.. just meet me tomorrow okay? Promise?”

“Okay.. tomorrow” and small giggles and laughs echoed in her head.

 

“That night.. was she going to tell me that night?” She mumbled

“What night?” Jeongyeon turned to her

 

“I need to see her, Jeongyeon.” Sana turned to her with her eyes moistened

“Are you sure?” Jeongyeon’s heart dropped, as she carefully held Sana’s hand. She felt the soft thorns poking through her guard.

 

“I want to see her, Jeongyeon. Please” she begged. Jeongyeon sighed and placed a fake smile over the latter. 

“Let’s find her in Chungnam.” She pats Sana’s head with a chuckle that would slowly break her.