“Disappointment and rejection…” She scuff looking at her phone the picture of a yellow carnation mocking her.

Because that’s what she had been coughing out since last night, honestly the fact that none of the girls had found that about her situation was a miracle in itself, what with sharing a bathroom and living together.

Carefully she lifts her head away from the porcelain toilet bowl and cleans herself up with some paper before standing up to brush her teeth, she looks at her reflection in the mirror noticing her pale face and the purple underneath her eyes.

"Get yourself together." She tells herself “You knew this was going to happen at some point.”

Just then she felt another episode coming up, but she refused to let it out, she can’t put her life on hold, she refuses too. So gathering as much willpower as she has, she swallows down her feelings and gets ready, luckily she can get out of the house before the rest of the girls.

She needs the time to get it together.

----------------

She was just finishing up some press, Chaeyoung had managed to leave the dorm early in the morning as to not have to talk or deal with the other girls, she was lucky to have a photo shoot on her own that morning, the longer she could avoid that dreaded conversation with Jennie the better. She sighed while looking out the window it wasn’t even 12:00 pm yet and she was already so tired of pretending to be okay, of pretending to not be suffocating  or drowning on her own feelings.

See if she only had to talk to Jennie about her engagement, she’s sure she would’ve been okay, have a quick talk, swallow down her feelings, pretend to be happy and that’s it. But what she didn’t expect was for him to be on the location as well.

As Chaeyoung walked down the hall of the venue they were performing at she was looking down adjusting her shirt and as she looks up she sees Jennie in the dressing room talking with Lisa, wearing jeans and an oversized hoodie which made her look adorable , a warmth immediately over taking her body as it always does whenever Jennie is around. A smile immediately appearing on her lips

She went to take a step forward into the room but as she walked in he came into the picture,a  reminder that Jennie wasn’t hers, she never was. He had his arm around Jennie’s waist the older girl doing the same around his own waist, like a masochist she keeps watching them, she watches as he says something that makes her laugh.

She watches as she leans closer to him. She watches as she places a kiss on his cheek with a smile. Chaeyoung clears and chokes back her cough as that feeling tickles . She wants to scream, but she’s afraid that if she opens she’ll just empty a handful of flowers at her feet.

So with all the strength she can muster she turns around as quickly as she can and makes a beeline for the nearest bathroom she could find.  By the time she makes it to the bathroom, she doesn’t even bother to check if it’s free nor does she lock the door as she feels no air reaching her lungs. She can’t breathe. She drops on her knees as she grips the edge of the bowl like it was what was holding her to the earth. And vomits. She vomits petals, blood, and more petals. A burning fire taking over her chest.

She releases a groan that sounds more like a broken sob, her chest feels like is on fire as her eyes water, but she refuses to cry, because crying means she’s giving up and she’s not willing to do that, is stupid thing to fight against really, she was just delaying the inevitable. But denial will do that to you.

As she coughs a few more petals she realizes she’s really getting tired of the color yellow, the last thing she needs is the universe reminding her she was unloved.  Because yes, the universe was a . 

She was about to flush the toilet when one hand came out of nowhere and flush it for her. The same hands immediately helped her sat down and cleaned her face with a piece of toilet paper. The blonde girl kept looking down refusing to meet the eyes of her helper even when she already knew who it was. 

The same hands gently pushed her face upwards to meet her in the eyes and Chaeyoung feels a lump in at the concern in the other’s eyes.

“Oh, Pasta.” Jisoo breathed out, her eyebrows creased in sympathy, in empathy, in care. With enough emotion to make Chaeyoung’s eyes water again as the younger girl simply gives her a half smile and a shrug

“Honey." Jisoo tilted her head like she didn't know what to do. She had been were the younger girl was and she knew how devastating it was. She felt so helpless as this was the one thing she couldn’t protect her from. "For how long?”

“Like two months.” She said simply, letting the crack of her voice and wobble to her chin do all the talking. 

“And you haven’t told anybody?”

The younger girl shakes her head. Jisoo moves forward taking Chaeyoung’s slightly sweat-soaked hair and pulling it away from her face.

“You could’ve told me, dumb dumb.” Her voice was watery. “Have you been to the doctor?”  She asked as she cleaned Chaeyoung’s face with a clean piece of paper.

“What good would it do?”

“They can at least slow it down, Chae.”

Chaeyoung sighs and then chuckles. “How pathetic am I, unnie?” 

“Not pathetic,” Jisoo said. “We can’t control how we feel. “

“I’m surprised it took this long, to be honest.” The older girl continued said after sometime. “Guess the news just made it worse huh?”

Chaeyoung snorted tiredly.

“Stupid question I know.”  Said Jisoo.

“Guess is your turn to take care of me, unnie.” 

“I’ll always take care of you, Pasta. Flowers or not.” She said honestly. “Now come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” 

She helps her stand up and walks her over to the sinks, where the older girl had left a toothbrush and some mouthwash.

“We need to get you to the doctor.” 

“Unnie, no. I’m…”

“I saw blood in that toilet and if you think I don’t see the devastation on your face everytime Jennie is around then you are blonder that you think. So don’t say you are fine Chaeyoung, because you are not.” She said, crossing her arms. 

Chaeyoung said nothing. Because Chaeyoung wasn't okay. She could pretend that things were fine, but the reality of things were that she couldn’t breathe properly, she couldn’t sleep. All she wanted was to cry tell everyone the truth and have Jennie’s arms around her, she wanted to feel that comfort, that warmth. But she couldn’t, she couldn’t tell the truth because she couldn’t put this kind of blame on Jennie. Because at the end there was nothing the brunette could do to help her, she was in love with someone else. 

"We are going to the doctor, the one who helped me. She kept quiet then, and she'll keep it quiet now. We are going to go and you are going accept the treatments for slowing it down." 

"Okay," She whispered. Knowing her unnie had make up her mind.

Jisoo nodded, and then pulled her close, hugging her tight.  "We're gonna make it through this, Pasta," She said against her hair. "I'm not letting you go just yet."

The younger girl nods and tightens her grip. There was small sense of security that came with hugging and being care for by her bandmates. They were her best friends. Her family.

They’ll always be together, through everything. They'd promised when they didn't know where their careers would go. When they didn't know if they would make it. No woman left behind. Chaeyoung didn't want to be the one to break that promise. She didn't want to go where they couldn't follow.

But she felt like a pilot with a fear of heights, on a plane with no controls just diving and waiting for the inevitable crash. 

"I’ll be with you every step of the way," Jisoo said pulling away. “But you gotta promise me something first.” She lifted her hand to brush across the blonde’s cheek. “You will take care of yourself. You do not hesitate to call me at any time, doesn’t matter if it’s 3 am you go into my room and talk to me. You promise?”

"Yeah." she breathed out. "Promise.” And this time, it was her who initiated the hug.

Both girls made their way back to the dressing room hand in hand, where the brunette had just finished with makeup, her eyes lighting up at the sight of her blonde friend. A small frown appearing on her face as she saw both of her bandmates hug as Jisoo whispered something in Chaeyoung’s ear, with curiosity she walks towards them.

“Rosie!” She exclaims as they pull apart. “I was looking for you everywhere.” 

“Sorry, traffic was a mess and I arrived with a very intense need to pee so…” 

“Are you’re okay, Rosie?” Jennie asked tilting her head to the side, as worry started to peek in her eyes. There was a redness on the blonde’s eyes that she was not happy to see.  “You know you can always tell me anything.”

"Oh..um yes, unnie” Chaeyoung said. “Just one of those days you know” 

“You sure?”

“Yep. Nothing that can’t fixed with some food.” 

“My wifey. Always hungry” She said fondly. Making the younger girl smile. The brunette then wrapped her arms around Chaeyoung, it didn’t matter how much the blonde wanted to pretend she was okay, she knew her like the back of her hand and she knew there was something wrong. The least she could do was provide her some comfort.

Chaeyoung leaned into the embrace, closing her eyes and enjoying the closeness. Pretending that this is where she belonged. Even if it wasn’t.