Chaeyoung stared at the computer screen almost angrily, she could feel as if is the words on the screen where mocking her, as if the flower petal next to her bed was mocking her… 

"Hanahaki Disease 하나하키병 (Korean) is a disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings (romantic love only; strong friendship is not enough), or when the victim dies. It can be cured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim's romantic feelings for their love also disappear."

“Unrequited love.” She scoffs. “Pfft… how unoriginal.” 

She already knew what it was, she had two close encounters with it in her short 22 years of life. One was with another trainee back in the day, she found the girl coughing up flowers and blood in the bathroom one day, by the next day the girl had to be hospitalized due to collapsing on the studio, she never heard of her again. 

The second time was not too long ago, a year or so before they debuted, her very own unnie, Kim Jisoo, had gone through it. Back then when all that was on their minds was debuting and being accomplishing their dreams she thought no one would love her back, no one could love her back.

She didn’t want to confess because confessing would mean running their dynamic, their dreams so even if Jisoo is the older sister of the bunch, it was the younger girl who held her and who washed her face after an episode, who covered for her, who told her all would be okay. She was the one who convinced her to tell ‘that person’ the truth, because let’s be honest whether she confessed or not the group would end up with one less member and they would not be debuting. 

Luckily in Jisoo’s case her love was returned after a long afternoon with Jennie and Chaeyoung out of the dorm, Jisoo had finally confessed to Lisa she was in love with her and the good news was she loved her back. So Jisoo’s encounter with the disease was fairly short but that didn’t take away the suffering and the pain that came with the disease. Didn’t take away how heart-wrenching it could be.

And that knowledge only scares her more, only makes that single petal on her bedside table even more taunting.

----------------

Jennie Ruby Jane Kim, her bandmate, her best friend, her wifey. That’s who she loved. Who she has probably loved since the first time she saw her in that elevator at the YG offices.

Jennie Kim with her dark hair, fair white skin, feline shaped eyes. Jennie who looked intimated but was a dork at heart, Jennie who gave her warm hugs and support, who always made sure to explain in english the big words she didn’t understand in Korean, who cuddled with her while watching a movie.

Honestly Chaeyoung never had a chance, Jennie came to her life and slipped through her heart without a warning.  She remembers the way Jennie held her hand on their first evaluation together, she remembers the way the brunette’s fingers fit against her own too right, it was in that moment that she became Jennie’s and only Jennie’s.

There was a time when Chaeyoung thought her feelings weren’t one sided. 

There were moments when she would feel the older girl’s eyes on her and they would linger for a few seconds when she though Chaeyoung wasn’t paying attention. There were times when the older girl’s hand touched her in the softstest of ways as she was afraid it would hurt her. But then the pictures happened and Jennie summoned them all to the living room...

“Before the news get out, I want you to hear it from me. ” she’d said sporting a nervous smile. “Me and Kai are dating.”  And that was when Chaeyoung realized it didn’t matter what she thought she felt, it was clear, for Jennie, those lingering touches, looks...they meant nothing and that means Chaeyoung had to learn had to be okay with that.

And the thing is, she was. She understood but her love never went away if anything it became stronger. So strong there was now living proof of it growing in her lungs and on her bedside table.

The cough starts two days later after the first petal comes out, it’s painful, making her feel like the breath is being strangled out of her and starts making her lose sleep. The problem is this just keeps happening at all times.

Like last night when she was having lunch at the cafeteria on her own and she was having her third coughing fit in in the span of an hour.

“Hey Chae, that cough still bothering you?” Wendy asks, taking a seat next to her in the cafeteria, concern on her features.

“It’s just a really bad bug, Wen” she lies, giving her a smile and she changes the topic before the other girl could question her. “How are things with Seulgi?”  And just like that they stir clear from her coughing problem.

The worst one was when the coughing fit started while out on dinner with the girls, she was sitting next to Jennie and the smell of her perfume was making its way through her nose, they way Jennie was pressed against her in the small space making her chest ache and it not the good way.

“Are you okay?” The older girls asked passing her a napkin.

“Yeah..” She responded clearing and drinking some water to ease the burn on . “Wrong pipe...” another cough. “I’m good.”

“You eat too fast, Chae.” Said Jennie chuckling.

“Guess I’m hungry.” She says while trying to ignore the inquisitive look Jisoo is giving her from the other side of the table.

She managed to keep under control through dinner trying to keep suspicions from rising up, but when she’s in her room late that night after Jennie mentions she’ll be staying with Kai, the coughing starts again and she can barely get to the trash can when the petals come up. Breathing heavily she stares at the bottom of the trash can where yellow petals were laying in a pool of saliva.

“Daffodil…” She whispers as she googles the type of flower she just threw up. 

“Unrequited love…” She says laughing humorously. “Of course.”  

------------------

For about two weeks after the first petal came up she managed just fine. The amount of petals wasn’t increasing, the coughing fits where few and bar in between and she managed to control them by drinking water.

And Jennie still smiled at her everyday, still gave her a hug after a tiring day and that was enough for Chaeyoung to breathe easy. Because if Jennie was happy then she would be happy even if her health said otherwise.

Like right now, both Jisoo and Lisa where out on a concert so it was just the two of them on the house. And they had stay up late watching a movie, Jennie leaning her head on Chaeyoung’s shoulders. And the younger girl felt her heart swell in affection, with the irresistible need to give Jennie everything she could ever ask for and need.

It was nearing the end of the movie and the main character was about to sacrifice himself to save his love interest and the blonde girl tilted her head and said “I’d die for you, you know that?”

At this Jennie picked her head up and look at the blonde with a frown on her face. Chaeyoung just chuckled. “Seriously, if it came down to it I’d rather lose myself than have something happen to you.” 

Jennie squinted her eyes and looked at her. “I think you are watching way to many K-dramas, Chae.” 

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

Jennie throws her an amused glance and the blonde can help but smile shyly.

“Okay… maybe I was. But it doesn’t make it any less true though.”

“I think you are just to dramatic.” She told her taping her in the nose lightly with smile. “But if you would really do that, please don’t you need to stay right where you are.” She says looking at her almost seriously. “I mean it you better not go where I can’t follow, Rosie.”

And Chaeyoung swears she could kiss her right then and there. But she doesn’t, she just smiles and goes back to watching the movie, and if she ends up crying she lies and says it was the ending of the movie and not because of the fact that she couldn’t have her, making the older girl tickle her until the tears in her eyes are from laugher.

“You have a very pretty smile, you know that.” The older girl says after a few moments of silence making the younger girl look down her hair falling cover her face shyly. “Don’t hide it, Chae.” She said softly, tucking the loose her behind the younger girls ear. 

And Chaeyoung lets out a quiet shaking breath, because it still blows her away, how much further she could still fall in love with Jennie. 

And that’s the worst part right? Because here her best friend was telling her to not go anywhere she can't follow… but is a promise she can’t keep because Chaeyoung is sick, sick because of how much she loves Jennie and she has flowers growing in her lungs.

And she refuses to tell her truth because that would mean losing her, but she refuses to take the alternative either because that would take away all her feelings for Jennie.  And not just that but it’s going to take away the admiration, the comfort, the interest, until she feels nothing, absolutely nothing for her. She isn’t going to do that. She loves her too much to do that.