A/N: I had set out to write , because what’s more festive than a little bow chicka bowww, right?  But this happened instead, so I’m sorry. It’s absolutely plotless crack in true Blackpink fashion. Anyways, have a safe and happy holiday season, m’dudes. 2021 better not be as ty as this year. Aaaand I just jinxed us all. Just throw me off the ship and feed me to a whale. 

‘Twas the night before Christmas in the Blackpink dorm...

“What’s this? Why are you dressed like that?” Jennie demanded.

“It’s in honour of Saturnalia,” Jisoo answered.

“What... I’m afraid to ask.”

“It’s Opposite Day,” Lisa chimed happily, emerging from her room.

“And that’s why you’re wearing...”

“I’m wearing Celine. And Lisa is wearing Dior,” Jisoo explained. 

“That’s-“

“Wifey!” Rosé crowed happily, clad head to toe in Chanel and pearls. “Oh... why aren’t you in YSL?” she pouted. 

“Rosie, you’re Christian. Why are you indulging these halfwits with their pagan ridiculousness? What happened to your Christmas spirit?” 

Rosé frowned. “Pagan ridiculousness? They said it was Opposite Day, it sounded like fun.”

“Yeah,” Lisa agreed. “Saturnalia, bro, c’mon! We get to have !”

“That’s Bacchanalia,” Jisoo corrected. 

“Is that the old timey Valentine’s Day, where you get smacked in the with leather by y guys?” Lisa asked.

“That’s Lupercalia,” Jisoo replied. 

“I heard BTS gets to celebrate Bacchanalia,” Rosé said in a hushed but giddy voice.

“That’s because Dionysus is their patron deity,” the oldest of them explained. “And you know what they say, right? You can’t spell Bacchanalia without ‘’.”

“Nobody says that,” Jennie growled. “What does that even mean?”

“That those boys know how to party,” Jisoo said, winking.

“Who’s our patron deity?” the maknae questioned.

“Well, Chaengie’s is Jesus, and Jennie’s is Satan. That’s why we’re Blackpink,” Jisoo deadpanned.

“What about the two of us?” Lisa asked the unniest of them all.

“We worship Santa Claus,” Jisoo answered without missing a beat.

“And what does that contribute to the group?” Rosé challenged.

“Childlike wonder and worldwide overnight success,” Jisoo answered happily. “Get it? Because Santa flies all around the world in a single-“

“OMG, and you people call me The Grinch!” Jennie interrupted. “No, no, and no! I will not stand for this war against Christmas! Go get changed into hideously tacky novelty knits-“

“Say what?” Lisa asked.

“Ugly Christmas sweaters,” Jisoo translated.

“And report back immediately for some peace, love and consumerist excess,” Jennie barked authoritatively. “Or so help me Satan...” 

The other three skittered off to their bedrooms like roaches in a seedy motel when a light is switched on.

*

“Why do you have Mason’s fishing rod, Chongah?” Lisa asked, when they had finally reconvened in the living room, looking snug as bugs and festive as . Rosé was wearing a sweater made of girlfriend material and had reindeer antlers on her head, and Lisa was wearing an Olaf onesie. 

“Well, I thought I’d get into the holiday spirit by...” the blonde started fiddling, attaching a sprig of green to the end of the line. “Tada!”

“You’re... fishing for herbivores?” Jisoo, who was dressed in a grey hoodie and sweats and a Santa hat, asked.

“It’s mistletoe, silly! I’m fishing for kisses!” the blonde squeaked, dangling the branch above her head.

“Oh, I can support this. This is totally relevant to my interests!” Lisa cheered, as she and Jisoo ran to flank the Australian, planting smooches on each of Rosé’s blushing cheeks. 

“Aww, thank you-“ the Aussie started to say happily until the three of them spied Jennie from across the room, smoke coming out of her ears and nostrils. She was wearing her short, red Solo Inkigayo debut stage ensemble that made her look like a Christmas present. 

“Uh oh, it’s The Spectre of Yuletide ual Frustration,” Jisoo joked.

“The what?” Rosé asked, raking her eyes appreciatively all over the tiny, deliciously expensive-looking brunette.

“The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come,” Jisoo clarified, to the snickering of the maknae.

“Nobody is allowed to kiss my hubby but meeee,” Jennie snarled. 

“You’re such a Scrooge, unnie, we were just having fun,” Lisa grumbled, as Jennie happily bounded over to Rosé. 

“Oh hello, my present, when can I unwrap you?” Rosé asked cheekily as Jennie wrapped her arms around the blonde’s waist, and the two started to exchange soft kisses, which quickly escalated into full on making out.

“The , man! Either put on a real show or keep it your pants!” Jisoo yelled. 

“Sorry, sorry, just got carried away,” Rosé said, breaking off the kiss rather reluctantly, and back hugging the grumpy rapper possessively. 

“What now?” Lisa asked, already descending int