***

By the time we got home twelve hours later, thanks to it being Christmas Eve, we were beat. We stepped into the house, Sehun lit the logs in the fireplace to warm the living room and collapsed on his back on the couch. I laid on top of him, resting my cheek against his warm body. "Are you tired?"

"Mmhmm."

I snuggled into him as much as I could. "Do you want to pass out here?"

"Mmhmm." His arms came around me, one around my back and the other hand firmly planted on my . "Thanks for coming to Texas with me."

"Of course."

"...and thanks for forgiving me."

"Always. I love you." I listened to the deep breathing in his chest, he was out like a light, and I followed soon after.

"I can't move. I'm trying, but I can't move."

The room felt like a bleak metal box, no windows and not enough oxygen. I was alone, sitting on my bed, which was also a desk with a blank exam paper in front of me. "What are the questions?" I ask no one. "I don't know the questions."

I hear Sehun's voice, but he's far away, as if he's on a speaker. It's not just him. I hear the giggles of one girl and the whispers of another. The exaggerated cries of passion don't disgust me, they arouse me uncomfortably. I'm hot, and the room suddenly bursts into flames. I don't move, I don't try to escape, I just stare at the desk, the black hole it has turned into. "Come with me, Soojung." My mother's voice accompanies the thin, black claw with deadly sharp talons reaching for me out of the hole, forcing its way into my chest and squeezing the life out of me. "You deserve this, you stupid ."

I bolted upright, gasping for air. My eyes scanned the dark room in a panic, as if the images were still around me. The only noise was the sound of Austin snoring at the edge of the bed, and the digital clock on the nightstand flashed 4:30 a.m. , I'm late. Sehun would be home from his 72-hour shift at five, and there was no way I'd be able to shower and get back into our bed before he found it empty. After changing the sheets and remaking the bed in the guest room I'd been sleeping in, I settled for splashing my face with cold water and changing out of my sweat-soaked pajamas, deciding to go downstairs and make coffee instead of pretending I was asleep.

Since we got back from his family in Texas it's been two weeks of anxiety nightmares every night. It was the same every time: some exaggerated version of my mother, losing Sehun, dying...it altered each night, but the basic elements remained the same. I'd woken him up two nights in a row before I started sneaking off into the guest room when he fell asleep, making sure to be back in our bed before he woke. I'd started feeling more and more anxious, and trying to be conscious not to alarm him just added to that anxiety. I ate, I took my meds, and we still had , though his touch felt...off. There was no hair pulling, hand around my throat or smacking my ; it was slow, delicate. As if I were fragile and he was afraid he'd break me.

I heard the door of his truck slam shut and headed down the stairs, hitting the last step as he walked through the door. "Hi."

He set his gear by the front door, taking his hoodie over his head and tossing it on the arm of the couch. "Hi, sweetheart. You're up early."

"I'm just excited to see you. Do you want coffee?" I didn't wait for an answer, going straight to the cabinet to pull out the coffee can and filters. I shakily started adding the dark grounds into the machine when he gently took the measuring spoon out of my hand and laid it on the counter. He gingerly turned me around toward him to coax me into a silent hug. We stood there, our breathing the only sound between us until I tilted my head back to look at him, my voice as unsteady as my hand had been. "Sehun, can we go to bed?"

"Mmhmm." He followed me up the stairs to our room, where I sat cross-legged on one side of our bed while he lay on his side in front of me, his hand resting on my knee. I opened my mouth and shut it several times, not knowing where to start. I began with the first thing that popped into my head. "I need you to me."

He raised his eyebrow, clearly not expecting me to lead with that. "I...have been? At least, I think I have."

I shook my head, tucking my hair behind my ears. "No, I mean I need you to really me. You've been handling me like glass and it's driving me crazy. I'm wound up and it helps calm me down, as weird as that sounds."

"Tell me why you're so wound up, and I'll see what I can do."

I inhaled deeply, wanting to get it out and over it. "I thought I was getting better with things changing, but with getting married and finding out you were married and meeting your family and the changes in my family...it's a lot of stuff in a three week period. My mind is running and running and I'm fine during the day but then at night I'm having these dreams, these really frightening nightmares about my mom and death and it's freaking me out because I'm tired of my brain getting in the way of everything and I just want one day to be quiet and still and not worry about anything or keeping it together and I want to talk to you, I'm trying to talk to you but I come off like a crazy person and I don't want you to regret marrying me and..." I took in a big breath, lungs hurting from expelling everything so quickly, "that's it."

He reached up to pet my cheek, his face remaining unaffected for all I'd just unloaded on him. "Those are a lot of thoughts rollin' around in that pretty lil' head of yours."

I leaned forward at the hip, resting my forehead on the bed. "I'm so tired."

"I'll bet. Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go to your therapist appointment later today." I sat up abruptly, silently questioning his statement. "Yes, sweetheart, 'we'. You were doin' so much better with talking to me about this stuff before it snowballed, and since the whole...Carrie thing, I think you've lost trust in me."

"I trust you." My quiet declaration made him shake his head. "I think you forgive me, but that's not the same thing. So let's go talk about it, and afterwards I'm takin' you away for the next couple of days."

"Sehun, classes start on Monday."

"And you'll have the weekend to get ready for it." I started to protest again when he brought his finger to his lips. "Shh. This isn't negotiable. You want to be ed like the dirty girl you are?" I drew my bottom lip into my mouth and nodded. "Then for the next seventy-two hours, you do what I say, without question. You just said you're exhausted tryin' to be in control of everything, so I'm gonna do it for you." I must have looked uneasy because he sat up, wrapping his long legs around mine as he caressed my face in his hands. "I think it might help a little."

I paused, the idea exciting me a bit. "You don't have to do this."

"Have to? Hell, I want to. You have your outlet and I have mine. They just so happen to both involve in' your brains out. So," he laced his fingers through my thick hair, "do we have a deal?" I nodded again, the gesture causing him to pull on the tresses. "Use your words, sweetheart.

I swallowed thickly. "Yes, we have a deal."

"Good girl. Now get in the bed and take a nap while I get everything arranged." I closed my eyes, already half asleep before my head hit the pillow.

***

We sat in Dr. Owen's office, Sehun's legs almost reaching Owen's chair from the couch. He smiled toward us, clearly pleased Sehun was joining my session. "Why don't we start with why you're both here today?"

We looked at each other, then Sehun started. "We eloped about a month ago."

"Congratulations."

"Thanks. Since then we...she found out I was married before, which was a stupid mistake on my part because I should have told her. Then we went to my family in Texas where we had a little spat with my sister. Ever since we got back she's been pullin' away, I guess."

Dr. Owen clicked and unclicked his pen carefully. "Soojung? Thoughts?"

I hadn't realized how hard it was going to be having to talk with him here, so I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans and started. "It's been a lot, but I forgave him for not telling me and I really just want to move on."

Sehun laughed harshly. "Is that why you sneak out of our bed every night to sleep down the hall?" I inhaled a sharp breath of surprise as he continued. "Really Soojung, do you still not think I know you by now? I hear you screamin' and cryin' in the middle of the night, and I hate that you think you have to keep it from me."

"I'm not...okay, maybe I am trying to keep it from you, but only because I'm trying like hell to be the non-crazy wife you want me to be."

Sehun's angry expression was coming on full force. "What the is that supposed to mean? I've been nothing but supportive of you."

Crossing my arms tightly across my chest, I instinctively got defensive. "Yeah, when it's convenient for you. As long as everything is all sunshine and roses you're golden, but the moment I have an off-day it's all, "Oh Soojung is going crazy, again. Let's go and fix her before she loses her , again." It's like I can't be the slightest bit unhappy about anything without the added guilt of how it's affecting you, when it's not even about you! It's maddening."

"You know what's in' maddening is -"

"Whoa, hey. Let's take a step back." Dr. Owen interrupting our inevitable fight. "Let's approach this calmly. Sehun, in a nutshell, tell Soojung what your concern is."

Sehun focused on the doctor instead of me. "I don't think she trusts me, and I think that one day I'm going to do or say something and she's going to leav