19

fifteen years

Note: When you're reading this chapter, I suggest you listen to "all of my life" by Park Kwon.

Fifteen years ago.

Seulgi peered over the railings, staring at the city bustling below her. A strong gust of wind blew her backwards, nearly toppling her over her own shoes. She grumbled, hovering in between the regret of choosing the rooftop where it was too ing cold and windy and the stark reminder that she didn’t really have another choice.

“I like you, I like you, I like you,” Seulgi muttered to herself, chanting the three words over and over again, trying to sear them into her tongue just in case her knees buckled and her mind went blank right when the words were supposed to matter.

The door behind her creaked open and her heart jumped a little. She her heel, coming face-to-face with a lanky boy in oversized sweats and his trademark baseball cap. The New York Yankees was his favorite team, and someday he was going to see them live, Kim Jongin had once told her.

“Hey, Seul,” he waved. “You done with practice?”

She nodded. “Yeah, you?”

“Yeah, barely crawled out. They kept telling me they wanted to do an alternate version – could’ve told me weeks ago before I’d already finished detailing,” Jongin complained. “s.”

He shifted to the ground and Seulgi followed suit, pulling her legs to herself for the warmth and for the extra push of courage. She opened . “I made kimbap,” was all she could pathetically muster, as she weakly offered him her lunchbox.

“Oh, thanks,” he said, taking a piece and plopping it into his mouth. “Pretty good, actually.”

“Thanks,” she smiled.

They sat in silence, letting the cold wind blow little halos around their heads. Seulgi snuck a glance at him, her eyes meeting his and sending her heart into a fury of wild palpitations. She patted it softly, reminding it to be still.

“Jongin–“

“Seulgi–“

She quickly put on a smile. “You go first,” she said politely. He could talk for another hour, if he wanted. She wanted to buy as much time as she could.

“Okay,” he nodded. He drew his breath, twiddling his thumbs. “So, they sat me down today. They said they’re debuting this new concept group sometime next year… They’re considering me for main dancer.”

Seulgi cupped her hands over . “You’re debuting?”

“I guess?”

“I’m– I’m–“ She was in shock, at a loss for words. “I’m so happy for you!”

Without thinking, she lunged for him, her arms wrapping around him. For a moment, all she could feel was the elation bubbling through her. Only seconds after, she paused, realizing that firstly, she was hugging him, and secondly, she had called him up there for a completely different reason.

“Oh, sorry,” she said, quickly retracting herself from the embrace. “But still, I’m really, really happy for you.”

“Thanks,” he smiled. “That makes one of us.”

“What? I thought this was what you wanted?”

He drew his breath. Shadows passed behind his soft eyes. “I did – I still do,” he acknowledged. “I just… I just don’t know if I’m ready. What if I’m not good enough, and they’re just making a big mis–“

“Stop it,” she said. She reached forward, clasping onto his hands. “You’ve worked hard for this. You deserve this as much as anyone else. You’re going to be amazing. I know it.”

He gazed at her, his smile unwittingly reaching his eyes. There was always something about his eyes – the way they were made of steel and fire, the way they burned with passion and unyielding determination, the way they stared unapologetically at the world, ready for anything that was thrown his way.

“Thanks, Seulgi,” he smiled, patting the back of her palm. “Oh, how about you? You have news too?”

“Oh, oh, right.” She pursed her lips. “I– I like–“

He nodded, prompting her to continue. She remembered the words. She knew what she wanted to say. But something felt strange… Like the words weren’t meant for her to say. Maybe they were, but at some other place, some other time. Not there, not then.  

“I liked your choreography for that electronic dance number,” she said, forcing a smile. “I wanted you to teach it to me.”

He inhaled slowly, pressing his lips into a thin smile. “Sure, why not?”

“Great!” she exclaimed, quickly taking her phone out of her pocket and using it as an excuse to look away, to fight back the tears in her eyes. “When are you free–“

“Seulgi.”

He looked at her, his eyes piercing through her flimsy veneers. Something about his eyes told her that he knew what she was going to say, and why she didn’t say it. The shadows were back, and the cold air filled the space between them.

His gaze was soft. “It’ll be your turn soon. When the time comes, you’re going to be great.”

A lone tear rolled down her cheek. She hoped the darkness would hide it from him, or at least, that he would hide it from himself. “Thanks, Jongin.”

“Why’d you do it?”

Seulgi didn’t know how many times she had repeated herself. Her own voice was lost in the noise that clouded her ears and the emotions that fogged up her mind as she looked at Krystal. The last remnants of daylight were filtering through the glass windows, throwing shadows on the other girl’s face.

Krystal was leaning against the wall, quiet and unmoving. She stared straight at Seulgi, her eyes without a tinge of emotion. Even growing up, Seulgi had wondered how it was possible for someone so destructive and emotional to show such little emotion when it mattered.

She didn’t look like she was going to respond, but Seulgi wasn’t about to spend another fifteen years searching the air for the right words. She had waited too long to continue giving into anyone’s silence. “I don’t know what you were thinking. If you really did what you did, it’s because of you that Jongin was barred from performing for this comeback.”

She looked away, her expression still vacant and unfeeling. “They’ll come back again,” she said. “They always do.”

“Not for another year,” Seulgi pointed out. “How could you, Soojung?” Seulgi croaked. Her voice came out in raspy, noiseless whispers. “I thought you loved him.”

Krystal chortled bitterly. “I do. That’s why I did it.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense–“

“What would you know?” Krystal shot back. Her eyes darkened. “You don’t know anything, Kang Seulgi. You can just be happy that you got to keep your boyfriend, be absolved from any responsibility, and go on your merry little way–”

Krystal had always been that way. Whenever they were put in a makeshift group, she would decide the performance. Whenever a movement needed to be aligned, everyone would have to follow her variation. And whenever there was trouble, she would decidedly be at the heart of it, and no one