23

where we belong

In the past few years, Seulgi’s waiting room always seemed too big for the likes of just one performer. Once in a while, the Red Velvet members would pop by for one out of her many performances of the season, bringing her food and the occasional bouquet of flowers. In recent times, two or three NCT members coming by became a slightly more frequent occurrence, mostly sent by Jaehyun in his place. Still, the place was usually empty, and many a time Seulgi considered requesting a switch with one of the rookie groups that had a higher member count.  

She was glad she didn’t.

For once, Seulgi’s waiting room was filled to the brim. From TVXQ, Super Junior and Girl’s Generation at the heart of the racket, to SHINee, EXO and Red Velvet adding fuel to the flame, to NCT and aespa still bowing to the myriad of seniors, to even f(x) peeking through the door – literally everyone was there. They even brought their mini-mes with them. It was like the entire village, everyone she grew up with, had gotten wind of her deal with the devil, and weren’t about to let her go for it alone.

When she first arrived, Amber, Donghae and Minho were already lying in wait, pouncing on her from behind the door and nearly giving her a massive heart attack. Victoria and Yoona were the next to hurry in, upset that they weren’t the first ones but all too excited to envelope her in the biggest bear hug. Lay came in clutching a plant of all things– trying to justify to his laughing Chinese counterparts, mostly just the chaotic Hendery and Kun, that a bamboo plant was a gift to symbolize good luck. Baekhyun and D.O. immediately broke into song, singing their own rendition of old Red Velvet hits so ridiculously that Seulgi doubled over in laughter. Taemin and Yunho had already learnt the moves to her comeback and were busy trying to figure out TikTok so they could start a #SEULGIILLTRY challenge. Mark and Taeyong were teaching Youngran how to dance to it, though with little success. Wendy, Irene, Yeri and Joy were sitting around and squabbling, transporting her back to a time when she was a part of a very beautiful whole.  

In the middle of the mess was Jaehyun, who had taken the role of her manager upon himself. He went around wordlessly passing boxed meals and water bottles to her visitors, ushered people aside so the performance staff could get to Seulgi, and made sure the noisy crowd didn’t go overboard because that day was about Seulgi, and Seulgi alone. Every five seconds, like clockwork, he would weave his way to Seulgi and check if she needed anything –food, water, some space to gather herself– like her pre-performance wellbeing was the only thing that mattered to him.

“I’m fine,” she assured him.

“Are you sure?” he asked hurriedly. He turned to look at the hullabaloo behind him, rewriting his mental list of things to do and people to yell at. “I think Eunhyuk-hyung just brought in a crate of vitamin water, I could get you one of those–“

“Jaehyun.” Seulgi slid her arm through his. She was initiating contact in what was a very public space that had way too many watching eyes. It was dangerous, especially considering that they were at the forefront of a huge scandal that they had yet to admit to. But for once, she didn’t really give a damn. “Thank you.”

He looked at her the same way he did that night on Taeyong’s balcony – softly, warmly, and like she was the center of his universe. It was as though everything that happened with them was already water under the bridge. As though the arbitrary distance they had put between them meant nothing in the face of how they truly felt for each other.

He opened his mouth, about to tell her that he was sorry, that nothing else mattered, that all he wanted was for them to try again–

“Seulgi.”

Wendy tapped Seulgi on the shoulder, guiding her line of sight to the lanky, brown-eyed man standing by the doorway.

They were back at an empty stairwell – the only quiet space they could find in a place meant to be teeming with people. Kai had his back against the wall, hunched over and letting the blinking fluorescent lights throw shadows on his thinning form. He looked like death personified, and it made Seulgi feel a little sad.

But, not too sad. Her heart wasn’t trembling anymore. She was standing straight, arms at her sides, staring calmly at him.

“Are you also here to tell me not to perform?” she asked.

“No,” he chuckled, the corners of his curving upwards, “even if I was, you wouldn’t listen, would you?”

He was right – she wouldn’t. She hadn’t listened to her group members, her seniors, her parents, not even the CEO of S.M. Entertainment, so she wasn’t going to be listening to him. If they turned back the clock ten years she probably would have, but that was ten years ago. Seulgi wasn’t the same impressionable, expandable, authority-fearing trainee anymore.

He could see it in her eyes. He laughed, because neither was he.

Kai tucked his hands into his pockets, gazing furtively at her. Seulgi took in a breath. “I’m sorry, Seulgi. For everything,” he said.

She nodded slowly. “It’s alright,” she sighed. “I’m sorry, too. And I’m grateful for everything that you’ve done for me.”

“I thought it’d help you,” he whispered.

“I know,” she replied. She looked up, holding her head high. But I can’t have you help me anymore, Jongin. I need to take care of this on my own.

Kai understood. He knew what she was trying to do. While the rest of the world probably didn’t, he did. It was Seulgi standing her ground, fighting back against the system that always told them that they couldn’t.

And in her own way, it was her trying to turn back the clock. Perhaps she wasn’t necessarily going back in time, but she was trying to right the wrongs that had gotten them there to begin with, to take a chance at everything that was robbed from them.

Seulgi really had changed. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

“I’m so proud of you,” he said, breaking into a smile. It was the brightest one she had seen from him in months, perhaps even years. “I have been. Always.”

Seulgi felt a slew of emotions well up in her chest. She tried to hold herself together, knowing that she had on a face full of makeup and there was barely any time for her to redo anything, but the tears in her eyes were betraying her. She let one, just one, slide down her cheek.

They had come a long way. From as starry-eyed trainees in a crowded practice room, to hopeful faces on a debut stage, then to weary stars worrying they would fall from the sky, they had put themselves through a lot. But things had changed, and they realized that at the end of the day, they were still them, two people who loved what they did, worked hard to achieve their dreams, and were proud of how far they had gotten. And they would continue to do so, only this time, together.

“Me too,” Seulgi smiled back. “I’ve always been proud of you too, Jongin. And I always will be.”

Seulgi reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly. Kai smiled and squeezed back. It was a goodbye, but also a hello. It was him leaving but also coming back. He had been and still was her mentor, her inspiration, and her best friend. They had so much lost time to make up for, and they would, just in a different capacity.

The door creaking open was a cue for her to let go of his hand. An anxious-looking Sehun popped his head in, followed by Jaehyun, whose eyes instinctively darkened a little as he caught the sight of Kai.

“So this is where you were!” Sehun bellowed, huffing angrily. “Everyone’s been looking for you guys! Seulgi’s up in like, ten minutes!”

Kai groaned. ing Sehun. “Yeah, we were just heading back.”

“Didn’t look like it, Kim Kai,” Sehun shot back, giving him a wry look. Kai narrowed his eyes. “Anyway, let’s get you out of here, before half the building loses their finding out that you two have been hiding out–“

“They’d only find us because you led them here, idiot.” Kai elbowed Sehun out of the way, and to Jaehyun’s surp