♡----------------------------------------------♡

“I can’t do it.” 

Mina felt her legs cave in as if telling her to give up and sink into the ground below her. After working to save Yena’s life for the past ten minutes, they were able to nurse the girl back into a temporarily stable condition. They had no idea when or how Yena would react violently as she did, but they all feared worse that the chances of her ceasing to react at all, was just as likely. It didn’t take much discussion between the minimal medical staff on shift that hour to form a consensus that Yena would indeed have to begin her operations that night if she wanted to see tomorrow. This, however, would only lead to one of many more predicates they would face that night.

“You have been training for this for five years now. You’re more than capable of assisting in this surgery Myoui.” Director Song stated objectively. His eyes and facial expression gave no hint of the level of trust he was putting into her. 

 Truth be told, the director was waging his whole career and the merit of the hospital on Mina. There would be no second surgeon to come in on time and the chances of Yena making it to another hospital alive was negligible.

 Director Song had come to the conclusion that he would have to play his hand in trusting his most promising student to have the nerve of steel, and walk into the operating room with him. He hadn’t considered or cared much for the fact he'd undoubtedly be fired from the hospital, and have his medical license revoked for allowing an uncertified surgeon into the operating room. But it didn’t matter to him. Like he had always said to his many students including Mina, their job was to simply save lives, and that’s exactly what he planned to do.

“What if I fail? There's a reason why doctors aren’t supposed to work on patients they know. I can’t stop imagining Soyeon either.” Mina looked up to the director with painful eyes. The sorrow of failing to save a life was all too but familiar with Mina. Even with the little medical experience she had two years ago, Mina kept berating herself that just maybe, just maybe if she would have reacted or done something different, Soyeon could have been alive today. 

Director Song only returned her a pitiful nod that indicated his discontent with her wishful thinking, “Soyeon is gone Myoui, you can’t change that. No matter how much we would like to revert time...we cannot.” He paused to put a mentoring hand on Mina’s shoulder.“Yena however, Yena is in that room right now fighting for her life, and she needs you. Just as much as she needed Nayeon for emotional support, she needs you where you thrive best.” The director relaxed his expression and shifted to a softer tone. “We can deal with the dogma and logistics of medical law afterwards. There’s a life on the line, a life you care for. Prove to both Yena and Nayeon how much you have grown.”

The understanding and acceptance of the task at hand were starting to dawn on Mina’s face as her facial expression softened. Director Song decided to push through with his all-in bet, “You’re the best student this hospital has seen in twenty years, Myoui. I can name five full-time doctors who are less cunning and diligent than you are.” Mina gave a subtle grin, being able to name at least two of the doctors in that list which she knew attained their position based on connections alone. 

“You’ll have Minatozaki and Hirai in the operating room working as a third and fourth assistant in the room as well. This is it, Mina.” The girl in response took a step back, unhinged by the director referring to her by her real name. It was clear that it had been the first time he had ever done so as the foreign name rolled off his tongue awkwardly to pronounce, me-naa. As she met Director Song’s gaze she gained the remaining assurance she needed. This was her time to shine now. Director Song was right, Mina knew she was never good enough to offer any encouraging words to Yena as her girlfriend had, but she would make it up in her own way. 

Closing her eyes briefly and folding her hands together. Mina mentally prayed to Soyeon, asking her to give herself the strength she needed to save Yena. She liked to think Soyeon had always been watching down on her, cheering Nayeon and her on. Mina refused to let either Soyeon or Yena down now.

Director Song nodded approvingly when he recognized the notorious spark of determination that glared deep upon Mina’s light brown eyes as she looked upon him ready. Her nose scrunched high onto her face which made the tiny beauty mark on her right bridge to show more prominently. 

"We’re going in now.” Director Song turned and fleshed out the bottom of the white coat so it flowed with some air in his walk. He had always been proud of the white coat that was recognized almost universally as a sign of superior medical assistance. As he strutted boldly now towards the operating room, it occurred to him that this very well could be the last time he would wear the coat. He looked wearily upon its white sleeve and flowing length. More and more so, he recognized the wrinkles on the back of his fist, and it was pointless at any rate, to try and find any colored hair in his mustache. He was no longer that flashy and charming new doctor that all the nurses drooled over some thirty years ago. Releasing a disgruntled sigh, Director Song realized he was awfully living up to his notorious title of an ancient man.

“It’s about damn time I retire anyways.” He grumbled under his breath, just loud enough so that he could be treated with teasing snickers from his three favorite students Momo, Sana, and Mina, as they followed closely behind him. Their footsteps echoed in unison as they approached the double doors of the operating room. Hang in there Yena. This ancient man has one last trick or two up his sleeve.

♡----------------------------------------------♡

Ten Minutes Later

Breathing heavily, Chaewon rounded the last turn, passing a solid strip of red paint on the wall that marked the beginning of the emergency care department of the hospital. 

Heaving the mechanical sliding door with her small arms, Chaewon desperately called out to no one in particular, “What room is she in?” 

None of her friends made any attempt to respond, it was almost as if they had never heard her barge in the first place. Chaewon could feel choke up from the tension in the room but she repeated in a dry voice, “Somebody tell me where she is…”

Again, nobody dared to speak up. Darting her eyes around the shadowed faces of the room. The first thing she noticed, in the corner of the room, was Yuri’s tiny head leaning into Chaeyeon’s shoulder in a muffled cry. Minju and Yujin were both standing some length away. The younger girl was rocking Minju back and forth as they stood in a somber embrace. Even Tzuyu’s eyes were blotched red and there was no flare in her usual gaze.

 As she studied the pathetic, griefing faces of all her friends around her, for some reason, she couldn’t empathize with them. Instead of feeling their sorrow, Chaewon felt a fiery anger surge through her veins and before she knew it, her hands were gripped tightly against her jeans.

After re-studying all the faces in the room one last time, Chaewon finally recognized the face she sought out for. Walking in silently, Chaewon firmly bent to her knees and began aggressively shrugging Nayeon’s shoulder. As she gripped on, Chaewon could feel her fingers dip into the blood-soaked jacket. Nayeon’s face in general was still camouflaged with the dark red blood that had dried on her neck, hair, and cheeks.

 “Unnie, where is she?” Chaewon pleaded to Nayeon in a soft tone. Unlike her reaction with everybody else, Chaewon couldn’t bear the empty and lost look in Nayeon’s eyes. Nayeon was different, she was the white knight that always had an answer or could find the solution when needed. Out of everybody in the room, Chaewon could not tolerate the hopelessness written all over Nayeon’s face. “Where is Yena....”

When Nayeon refused to answer, Chaewon did what she did best, she whined. Thud after thud, Chaewon launched her fist into the front of Nayeon’s jacket under her shoulder. Years from doing so, Chaewon instinctively knew this was the body part that would suffer the least pain from her weak punches. She abused the body part now. When she saw Nayeon had neither winced in pain nor attempted to stop her, she punched harder. “Unnie please, I need to see her…” She freely allowed the moisture in her eyes to overwhelm and stream past her cheeks. She sobbed and clung onto Nayeon, tossing her side to side. It was all becoming too much for Chaewon.

“Tell m-” 

A loud smack echoed through the tiny room and surely did the job of catching everybody’s attention. They all watched in pain as Chaewon crashed into the empty chair next to Nayeon, and then rolled onto the concrete below. Before Chaewon knew what had happened, she felt the back of her head throb in a horrible spin. Her cheek felt numb, but she could still feel the surge of blood that gushed out of the corner of her lip. Being too dazed and weak to raise herself up, she invited the chill that came from the cold floor below her. Rising one eye weakly, she watched as Eunbi’s small frame towered over her. Her face too, wore the same dark red color that was on Nayeon. 

“That’s enough, Chaewon.” Eunbi’s voice spared no warmth. “Do us all a favor and go in that corner and whine to yourself.” Eunbi angrily pointed with one outstretched finger to an empty corner of the waiting room. Even with the immense hostility that growled with Eunbi’s husky voice, the tears that ran down Eunbi’s chin and splashed onto Chaewon’s forehead told the full story. It was almost inconceivable to Chaewon that Eunbi had smacked her. Even through their many fights and quarrels, not once had Eunbi ever laid a finger to harm the younger girl. But then again, Eunbi had also never teared up in front of Chaewon like she currently was. For one of the only times, Chaewon was able to understand Eunbi on a deeper level. She knew her old lover was in anguish over watching how miserable and pathetic she must have looked sprawled on the ground. But Chaewon could also see in Eunbi’s eyes, the unease she also must have been feeling for Yena. And out of everybody in the room, if Eunbi was terrified for Yena’s fate, it only meant one thing.

Feeling every ounce of willpower in her bones dissolve, Chaewon caved in her knees so that it rested against her chest. Her tears ran easily down her face in a puddled mess. Her voice involuntarily vibrated in despair. Everything felt cold to Chaewon. She suddenly hated everybody in the room, wanted nothing to ever do with any of them, but increasingly she hated herself. The discontent of her very existence sang through her ears, emptied her soul. Spiteful, dizzy, but most of all heartbroken. Chaewon was a fairy whose wings had been long clipped. In grief over the heavy heart she failed to express to the girl that always made her feel better. Chaewon regretted it all. 

 Somewhere above her, she could feel Nayeon’s arms wrap around her shoulders and bring her up into a tight embrace. The hug did nothing to bring any warmth to the younger girl. Deep inside Chaewon knew, she was too late...Yena was gone…

♡----------------------------------------------♡

Six Months Later

The summer sun burned relentlessly against the back of Chaewon’s neck as she strolled silently, through the empty streets of the campus ground. The cause of the barren campus that hour, was the direct result of an exhausting week of final exams that had just concluded. Most students evidently chose to spend this Saturday morning hibernating until about mid-day where they would wake up and eat, before returning back to their cozy bed for the remainder of the afternoon. 

For Chaewon however, her morning had been an ill mix of unease and discomfort. She had not slept well the night before, tossing and turning in her bedroom that was adjacent to Mina and Nayeon. Being able to only catch maybe three to four hours of shut-eye, which wasn’t unusual these days. It’s quite ironic how one can fail to fall asleep for seemingly hours at a time. But once the sun has risen and it’s time to get up, your sheets feel much more like a sanctuary rather than chained shackles. Chaewon bared this thought in mind ruefully after snoozing her phone alarm for what must have been the fifth time that morning. Rousing wearily after finally being able to roll out of her bed, and head downstairs. Her morning would continue in desolation as both older girls she looked forward to at least eating breakfast with, had already long left the house.  Today was the first Saturday in weeks that both the older girls were off work, and Chaewon had looked forward to spending time with them, especially after a horrible night. Her plan foiled bitterly and as Chaewon walked to their kitchen table, she found a small hand-written note from Mina.

Goodmorning my daughter, I know we have not had time to spend a lot of mornings together, and that you were looking forward to seeing us downstairs when you woke up. Something came up, and now Nayeon and I have to drive to the airport to pick up an old friend. There’s leftovers in the fridge, and don’t forget you’re still meeting up with Eunbi for lunch, I already texted her and she knows we won’t make it. I'll still see you this afternoon, and I promise i’ll make up for breakfast tomorrow <3

-Love MOMari

haha see what I did there, I should be a comedian instead of a doctor : )

Chaewon was able to smile briefly as she read through the content of the note. She wondered who they were picking up, and for a second, she thought she knew who it was. Chaewon merely shrugged off any notion of it, she didn’t want to get her hopes up. 

While eating a lackluster breakfast of cereal and milk on her own. Impulsively her eyes would scan the dark living room and staircase for any sight of their dog, Kookeu. Deprived of even the luxury of the company of a mere dog, Chaewon accepted her lonely fate remembering he wasn’t around either. She lounged around for about an hour, before showering, and then driving to campus.

With a large knot deep in her shoulder that she couldn't shake. Chaewon made her way through the outskirts of campus now with some melancholy to the unusual quietness around her. There was nothing or nobody to distract her from her inner thoughts, and she regretted leaving her earphones back in the car. The soft gurgle of a water fountain some distance off helped to ease her mind, but soon, she could feel her muscles relax too easily, and her eyes felt heavier with every step to the sound of the splashing water. Tossing her head side to side to combat the drowsiness, she increased the pace of her walk.

 Folding one hand over her right eyebrow, Chaewon recognized the sun was a little past its peak marking it to be about 1:00 p.m. The suffocating humidity created a thin layer of perspiration on her bare neck. This added by the piercing sunlight, marked that another dreary winter had indeed, long passed. But yet Chaewon’s heart remained frozen stiff.

The turning of nature’s season had brought many changes for Chaewon and her rag-tag group of friends. For one; Trading both length and hair-color, Chaewon opted for a more stylish shoulder-length hairstyle, while dying it a very light brown with blonde streaks.

Red had always been her optimal and favorite hair color choice, but ever since that night, six months ago, Nayeon had developed a severe case of hemophobia. On the most extreme occasions, the sight of blood would cause the older girl to faint without further warning, but usually, the sight would render Nayeon into a dejected state where she silently began to sob uncontrollably until either Mina or she could calm Nayeon down. In any case, Chaewon thought changing her hair color would help the older girl avoid the thought of blood. She hated watching the mornings where Mina and Nayeon would leave their house to visit a mental therapist for Nayeon. Her white knight was suffering and there was little she could do to reverse the damage, but at least she could ease it somehow. 

On the topic of Mina, the Japanese girl unregretingly left the hospital she had been destined to become the top surgeon for. The swift and shameless firing of Director Song leading to his retirement meant there were little good feelings from the Japanese girl to the remaining board of directors. Mina had been lost without a job for quite a while until Sana was able to put in a good word for her at a smaller hospital, where Mina had worked ever since. Momo and Sana eventually made their way into the same hospital as well, as they valued their friendship more than dollar bills. 

Other than Eunbi, Nayeon, Jeongyeon, and Jihyo who had all finished their last ever university exam, most if not everything, remained the same for the younger girls. Tzuyu and Hyewon were still disgusting, Yuri still couldn’t hide her country accent no matter how hard she tried, and Nako was still...short. Everything seemed quite normal, everything except of course…Yena no longer being there. Physically gone, but mentally always with each one of them. 

Whenever the gang met up, which was still 3-4 times a week, Yena would promptly be mentioned, or stories of her would-be shared between good laughs and held back tears. That was always Yena’s charm, Chaewon mentally reflected. No matter what she did, Yena could always bring a good laugh with whoever she was with, or in the current case, even if she was no longer there with them. 

Some say there are five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. Chaewon had always made the case that there really should be a sixth, delusion. There was no mistake that the only reason why Yena had been so relevant in their every day talks still, was because none of them could really live on without the cheerful and spontaneous Choi Yena. At least this was the case for herself.

Or maybe, it occurred to Chaewon as she continued the final stretch of her walk. Maybe it wasn’t really grief or delusion that had weighed her heart down for the past several months, but to put it simply. She just missed somebody that she held dear and loved with all her heart. Yes, that must be it, Chaewon convinced herself with a small nod. 

Arriving at her destination now, Chaewon flashed a brief smile to Mr. Seok who was cleaning an empty table. Even from the front door of the diner, she could hear Nako nagging at Yujin inside the kitchen for slacking off at work. How that tall, immature girl had both finished high school and got admitted to Seoul University, alongside Wonyoung, was beyond even herself.  

Sliding into the same booth Chaewon always sat at, she greeted Eunbi who was already sitting across from her with a second glass of coffee. The eldest girl wore a low hanging black dress, while Chaewon opted for a much simpler outfit but still in the same shade. It was in noting the color of Eunbi’s dress that caused a small frown to crease her lips and she remembered the purpose of their meetup. 

Being a long time regulars at the diner, there was no need for either of them to have a menu to look upon. They ordered the same thing every time but, somewhat inside, Chaewon wished she did pick up a menu on her first entrance so she could at least pretend to be distracted by something. For now, she would have to be content playing with the assortment of sugar packets or other condiments from the tabletop. 

Once again, slowly, Chaewon was succumbing to her drowsiness. The cool air that blew onto the back of her sweaty neck and short hair worked better than any of her sleeping pills, not that she was supposed to have any in the first place. She was moments from dropping both her eyes until the clinging of a mug did the job of jolting Chaewon back up from her slouched position. 'Maybe this is why sleeping pills exist,' Chaewon mentally acknowledged. 

After taking the last sip of her coffee mug, Eunbi was the first to strike a conversation, “Today’s the day isn’t it?” She asked with little intent of posing as a question. She knew Chaewon had long forsaken the concept of time outside of connecting it with what happened six months ago. There was no tomorrow, next week, or next year. But there was always, yesterday from the day it happened, a week ago from the day it happened, or a year ago since it happened. Yet, usually hearing Chaewon’s tone and speech pattern helped Eunbi identify how Chaewon was feeling that day without actually having to ask. Today was a little more obvious than most, evident by Chaewon's uncombed hair, baggy eyes, and general disinterest of where she was at the moment. Still, she needed to hear Chaewon say at least something. 

“Yeah,” Chaewon answered plainly, not a surprise to Eunbi.

 “Six months goes by quick huh?” Chaewon followed with a grim face. Eunbi only looked at her apathetically, she seemed to be both analyzing Chaewon from head to toe but disinterested in her at the same time. Perks of those damned mysterious almond eyes Chaewon cursed to herself for maybe the 100th time that day. Not being able to handle Eunbi’s gaze any further Chaewon cleared , “What time does it start?” 

Eunbi didn’t answer back for some time, Still looking into Chaewon with her deep eyes. Finally, the older girl seemed satisfied, and Chaewon blew a low sigh of relief once she felt her piercing stare leave her after answering, “In about an hour.”

Accepting Eunbi had finished the interrogation on her mental state, Chaewon just sat silently and gratefully accepted the plates of food that arrived at her table via Mr. Seok. The two ceremoniously ate in a blissful quietness. They always did. 

Even as she ate, the thought of Yena once again flooded Chaewon’s mind. Their meals were never like Eunbi’s and her. Yena always had something to say, a story to share, a random thought that puzzled her mind. Their meals usually were loud and lasted for hours, Yena never ceased in her playful nature, and Chaewon had learned to appreciate her carefree ways. 

Looking up from her half-finished plate, Chaewon’s skin crawled as a thousand goosebumps traveled up her arm throwing warning signs through her system. The stiffness Chaewon felt at that moment she looked up was far worse than the horrible sleep paralysis she suffered from the night before. Her brain, fully functioning, but her body, incoherent. Chaewon clenched the leather underneath her to withstand the surge of reopened wounds bleeding from her heart.

Her eyes glued to the opposite booth where straight across from her, was Yena herself.  Chaewon refused to blink, wanting to savor every millisecond of Yena’s face. Everything from the small mole on the tip of her nose, to her tiny but sparkling eyes. Chaewon absorbed every detail as deep as she could. She knew all too well, that in a moment's time, the sight of Yena would be violently stolen from her. It always did…

Eventually, unable to keep her eyes glued open she was forced into a hasty half-blink. She had barely moved her eye muscle, her vision turning blurry for not even half a second. But when her vision cleared...Yena was gone, again. Unapologetic, and without remorse, this was the sixth stage of grief Chaewon had come to learn. It was all a delusion...

As if Eunbi had a sixth sense that triggered, the older girl suspiciously looked to her left where Chaewon was staring and then back onto the younger girl. Knowing Eunbi for so long, Chaewon could have sworn something in Eunbi’s eye, for just a moment, showed she was silently amused with her actions, but it didn’t make much sense… it’s not like there were any ill feelings between the two, or that Eunbi would have disliked the fact she knew Chaewon had envisioned Yena next to her. 

In fact, Eunbi was the first and only person Chaewon ever told about how, time after time, she would strangely envision Yena throughout her day. It was all part of their reflourishing friendship over the past six months. Eunbi was somebody Chaewon could trust to tell her deepest secrets and fears. She cherished their ability to easily talk, knowing their previous romance had been resolved. 

Concluding that her lack of sleep had been the cause of misreading Eunbi’s facial expressions and thoughts, she dropped her spoon with some defeat not being able to stomach any more of her meal.

Yujin, who had been tired of the waves of nagging Nako usually gave her, rushed quickly to their table and picked up their leftover plates. 

“You guys are really dressed up today, any big plans before this afternoon? Wait, I'm still invited to watch you perform later, right? Ahhhhh, even if I wasn’t I'd still come anyways. But like wherever you’re going now, like, can I come too...please?”

 There was a special emphasis on the please from Yujin as the girl would seemingly do almost anything to be taken off her double shift with Nako. On a side note, the one and only exciting event of today’s schedule was that Chaewon would be strumming her guitar singing all afternoon, and throughout the night, at their favorite cafe near campus. It wasn’t exactly a concert, but really the first day of her job there as a side-gig. But knowing the unrestrained personalities of her friends, they would make it a concert no matter how much she protested against it.

Eunbi answered in a neutral tone, “I don’t think you want to visit a graveyard with us, Yujin.” 

Chaewon watched as the bright smile on Yujin’s face faded, and a moment of confusion clouded the younger girl's brain before she finally understood. “Oh, sorry.” Yujin found the leftover plates much more interesting than talking with the older girls. She quickly stacked the remaining plates and bolted away from the table to disappear somewhere in the kitchen. 

“That wasn’t nice you know?” Chaewon looked at the older girl unamused. 

“She would have spent another 20 minutes talking to avoid getting back to work,” Eunbi explained as she gulped the final remnant of the tall coffee pot next to her. She tapped the pot with one finger just to test if there was just maybe a sip or two left at the bottom. Seeing as there was no brown liquid that vibrated with her tap, the girl b