memories. they wash over my consciousness in flashes. like a roll of film playing just for me to watch. i see a child playing, with two pair of loving eyes watching over her. another child enters, playing with the other. she seems to be younger than the other one. 



a teenager was shown. lost in the busy high school hallway. i came to a conclusion that the girl was you. your unfocused eyes darting everywhere with your eyebrows curled as people pass by and bump into your fragile body. my body reacting before my mind can comprehend. i was already helping you get around. 



two teenage girls under the night sky with stars blanketing us with comfort. the moon shining down on us as we found solitude on this lone rooftop. 


“tell me, chaewon.” your soft voice breaking the atmosphere. humming, i turn my soulful eyes to you. yours already on mine, curiosity burning like fire. 

“you’ll never leave me like they did, right?” there was this glint in your eyes that i couldn’t justify. the tone of sadness and despair present in your voice. 

“you know i could never.” i don’t know when, i don’t know how. but, as you smile brightly at me, it feels as if the world was halting to a stop. your bright smile was all i could see. your eyes nearly disappearing, the dimples above you cheeks showing. i don’t know how, i don’t know when. but, that was the time i realized, i have fallen. 



a tall girl accompanying me on my used-to-be lonely walks to school. i recognized her as the girl that was playing with me as a child. my sister, wonyoung, that i would never trade for another. i love and treasure her more than my own life. the oxygen i breathe means nothing if i ever lose her. it was her freshman year as this was my last. laughter filling my ears as my tall bunny laugh. oh, how i wish that smile would only last. 



you were shown, again. but, this time you were with another girl. taller, more athletic than i am. but, who am i kidding? i’m bounded to music, i don’t care about athletes. 


“who’s the girl?” i ask, trying to sound as nonchalant as i can. my body was actually burning in jealousy, eyes going code red. 

“ahn yujin, freshman. she’s in track, i know you don’t know her because you lack interest in sports.” true, but i have heard that name before. i just nodded as i continued eating. 

“ahn yujin, ahn yujin.” i kept muttering and thank god, you don’t hear my mumblings. racking my brain where i might have heard that name. alas, the memory of wonyoung hushing about her one night came to mind. “ahn yujin.” you are my sister’s crush. 



a day turned to a week, a week turned to a month. where were you? you have been ditching our late nights on my parents’ rooftop. gazing up the starless sky, it was the first time i felt very lonely. “oh, how i wish you are here with me.” i mutter to completely nothing as a tear roll down my cheek. 



you and yujin were shown again. holding hands, walking to school. i was with wonyoung, you know? we were on our way to school also. i frowned as i look at the girl beside me. she was already looking down to her shoes and has completely stopped walking. a tear rolling down her cheek. 

“hey.” i whispered as i try to hide my rough voice and sad eyes. smiling like i wasn’t in pain awhile ago. “chaewon-unnie!” you run up to me to hug me but i raised my right hand. 

“i’m kinda sick. don’t even try.” i said smiling weakly at you. a lie rolling off my tongue, it tastes bitter as time goes by. you’re frown was slowly showing, worry plastered on your face. at least, i know you still care. you opened your mouth to say something, but was cut short as someone cuts in. 

“minjoo-unnie!” 

ahn yujin. 

“ready to go?” dimples and puppy like features. perfect, right? track athlete, tall girl, bright smile, deep dimples, same eye smile as yours. to top it off, ahn yujin’s personality is one of gold. she’s perfect for you. 

looking back, i only smiled at you. shaking my head, i gave you a motion to go. i feel my heart clenching, my stomach curling into something i don’t like. it feels like a hurricane started inside my chest, it gets harder to breathe as i watch you walk away. “this is what a heartbreak must feel like.” i mutter with tears b my eyes, hands clutching on my chest. my first love, my first heartbreak. 



everything is shown in a blur. 

college, alcohol, cigarettes and gang members. 

everything was coming up too fast. 

my parents’ death, wonyoung coping, you leaving. 

too fast. 

your smile was shown, your indian dimples, your eye smile, the smell of jasmine and vanilla, rooftops, stars and the moon, your pretty face and lastly, my hoodie worn on your fragile body. your smile was bright, your eyes nearly gone. 



that was the last thing i see before everything turns to darkness. it feels like my life was shown in flashes. 

in a rolling film. 

it feels like it. 

for a few seconds, i realized i can’t move. i can’t feel anything. that’s when i remember what happened before this. my life was shown to me, it was shown to me before i succumb to death. before i am forgotten. 


it’s ironic how the last thing i see is your beautiful face, kim minjoo. it is extremely ironic. 



“even the last oxygen that i inhale, you—kim minjoo—will be the last thing i see and feel.” 



-

“u-unnie?” gunshots, blood and a body. more specifically, my older sister’s body. “unnie, please, please, please, hold on.” my eyes darting on her cold body. finding for a pulse. soon, dread fills my body. tears don’t stop coming, legs feeling weak. 

i didn’t find one. 

dropping down, my lips quivered in sadness. “you left too early, unnie.” pulling my knees up to my chest, my hands ruffling my hair. “too early.” i mutter in complete darkness. 



- 

a funeral, a white carnation in hand. it’s your favorite flower. you would always give it to me. “white carnations for good luck and pure love to my beautiful sister.” your voice rings in my head. i can’t. dropping my head down, tears starts rolling. rain drops. this is the second funeral i went because of a family member. it’s sad how i am standing alone, crying, whining to give my sister back. 



-

white carnations. pure as snow, along with its clean meaning. pure love and good luck. chaewon started giving it to me back in freshman year. white carnations for good luck and pure love. pure love after my first love. pure love after my first heartbreak. chaewon was always there, helping me pick up the pieces of me that keeps falling off. help me in times i can’t lift the baggage i got, help me in times to remove the weight off my shoulder. i tried. 

i tried. 

i tried to get that red target off your back. that red target that was drawn by gang members and drug dealers. i guess the energy i exerted wasn’t strong enough to erase it. clenching my fist i walk back to our—my—home with a heavy heart. 

“wonyoung?” halting my steps, i know that voice from anywhere. turning around slowly, my frown deepens. “woah, you’re soaked. did you stay out while it was raining?” 

“what do you want, ahn yujin?” clutching onto the flower i was holding, i can feel the tears coming back. they’re here. 

they are all here. 

shaking my head, i turned back around to walk back to the lonely house. slumped, i drag my feet away. i can’t handle their  for now. 

“wonyoung.” 

stop calling. 

“wonyoung.” a hand firmly holding my wrist. i turn around, forcefully pulling my hand out of her grasp. 

“i’m tired. can you all leave? that call was 2 months ago. you’re all too late.” mumbling the last sentence, a tear rolls down my eye. 

“too late? too late for what?” confused eyes, anger rising. 

“chaewon-unnie’s death.” i firmly stated. clutching the flower harder, if that’s even possible. crescents creating, pain oozing in my palm. “i just got home from her funeral. i was all alone.” 

some froze, but minjoo already has tears in her eyes. “i was alone.” i stated again looking right into yujin’s surprised eyes. “so much for promising of staying together, right eunbi-unnie?” focusing my attention on the girls behind the puppy like one, the sadness i felt turn into anger. the emotion spread in my body like fire, burning me with all its will. 

“you’re-“ minjoo. “you’re joking, right?” 

“why would i joke about my sister’s death, unnie?” i shot back glaring at her. “she was always there for you, but you-“ chuckling, i bump pass yujin, getting closer to the girl that has my sister’s heart. that had my sister’s heart. “oh yeah, you were definitely the first one to say you’ll stay. pinky promises and all that bull.” towering over her, everything was coming to me. the pent up emotions, tiredness and restless nights. 

i breathe in the cold air, trying to calm down. “never let emotions get the best of you, wonyoung-ah. ok? you’ll lose control. and, when we lose control, you know how we can hurt people with our knife-like words.” chaewon’s voice rings through my head. she was always wise. 

was. 

i close my eyes as more tears come falling. my clenching fists loosen as my body was once again filled with anguish. 

pain, anger, sadness. 

“here.” 

“you give me this carnation suddenly…?” 

“yeah.” i sigh as i look at minjoo’s eyes with sadness. “like chaewon would say-“ i clutch onto the black leather jacket that i am wearing, more specifically, chaewon-unnie’s jacket. “white carnations for good luck and pure love to my beautiful sister.” i stare at her daringly as the next set of words might make another kind of mess. “but this time-“ i put my hand on her shoulder. 

“a white carnation for good luck and pure love.” 

holding my breath. 

“to my sister’s first and only love.”