an argument. an argument was all it took for me to leave. your tear stained face was the last thing i saw before i took off. leaving without knowing i brought your heart with me. the shattered pieces leaving a trail as i hear your quiet sobs fade—as i walked farther away from you. i regret walking away. i regret never telling you what i feel. i regret starting an argument about you and jeongyeon going out for a date. i regret shouting. i regret ignoring you. i regret that i never did anything to make you mine. to call you mine. 

a horn of a car made me halt from my steps. my blurry vision making out lights as i froze in fear. wheels screeching, car stopping. blinking a few times while tears unknowingly ran down my cheeks. i almost died. if i did, i died with the thought of you. 

"for christ's sake don't you know-" a familiar voice entered my ears as the girl i knew since i met you came out of the car in front. her shouting came to a stop once she looked over at my state. her face softened, frowning in worry. "tzuyu?" 

i only stared at her as i dropped down to my knees. closing my eyes in hopes that things are just fine. nayeon and i are fine. she didn't call off our friendship just because of unspoken words that were never exchanged. i'm fine. we're fine. we're fine, right? 

"tzuyu..." mina said softly as she crouched down in front of me. i opened my eyes slowly. looking up to her as her worried eyes looked at mine.

"i'm fine. we're fine. me and nayeon are ok, right?" i can feel my lips trembling, waiting for reassurance. 

"i don't know, tzuyu." but who the  am i kidding? we're far from ok. 

"i don't want to lose her, mina." the pent up emotions that i felt finally bursted out like a broken dam. my body started trembling as i put my head in hands, sobbing loudly. crying as if i was a lost child. i felt arms wrap around me as i cried harder. i can't lose nayeon. i haven't told her the words i never said. 

-----

waking up to an unfamiliar ceiling made me jolt up. i groaned as i massaged my temples; this headache isn't the . i opened my eyes and realized i am in mina's room, meaning i stayed the night. i stared off to space as i looked outside. it's still dark. i looked at the bedside table to see my phone. as i opened to check the time, there were a lot of missed calls and text messages. i frowned. weird. i looked at the time to see it was 5 in the morning. i looked back to check all of the notifications.

19 missed calls from sana

10 missed calls from jeongyeon

9 missed calls from jihyo 

3 missed calls from dahyun 


text from dahyun:
tzuyu where the  are you?

we need you here asap

check sana's messages
message sent at 1:17 am


text from jeongyeon:
i know you're mad at me but

tzuyu nayeon needs you right now 
message sent at 12:45 am


text from chaeyoung:
chou ing tzuyu come here right the  now
message sent at 3:38 am


text from mina:
i had to leave very early and please check sana's messages. i left you at my apartment to rest but once you wake up please come to the hospital. 
message sent at 4:12 am


i came to a halt once i read that one word. hospital. hospital? who's at the hospital? my heart started beating faster in nervousness. immediately forgetting the throbbing feeling from my head. fearing of knowing who it might be lying down on a hospital bed. i immediately opened sana's texts.

sana: 

i don't know what you guys argued about but i need you to come to seoul national hospital 

but whatever it is i hope you said the things you had to say to her

she's going through surgery right now and i don't want to talk about this through texts

so ing come here right now 

nayeon unnie needs you here tzuyu 
message sent at 1:03 am

mina just arrived 

come here once you wake up
message sent at 4:31 am

tzuyu...
message sent at 5:17 am


no. it can't be. it can't ing be. i abruptly stood up, bolting out of the room. my eyes started to become blurry as i skip some steps down the apartment building. nayeon can't be ing in that hospital bed. 

"yah! chou tzuyu!" that annoying voice shouted as i playfully rolled my eyes looking at the older girl. i smiled as her small figure was stomping her way to me. 

"yes, unnie?"

"are you out of your mind!? why would buy something so expensive!?" i snorted as she looked at me in annoyance. my smile widens as i looked at her. her eyebrows furrowed, a pout sticking out. 

"it wasn't that expensi-"

"that was a ing car!" she shouted and my smile dropped. a frown appearing on my face. 

"woah woah, woah. relax, nayeon unnie. i thought you'd like it. you always said your license is useless because you don’t have a car and you always ranted about how much you want to drive at night." i frowned as i started fumbling around with my fingers. her face softened and a sigh was let out shortly.

"i'm... not mad. it's just that you didn't have to buy me a car. also that was a jeep wrangler!" my frown slowly transitioned into a smile. she looked cute. she's always cute. i just never admit it. 

"you want to pay me back?"

"yes." the bunny nodded eagerly. 

"take me out on a midnight drive one day."

my legs started to burn as i took big and fast steps to the direction of the hospital. tears running down my face as i worry about the girl that i loved the most. after a while, i finally entered the ing hospital. tears drying, sweat dripping. i walked in a fast pace, forgetting that i didn't know where nayeon's room would be. every single thing was thrown out of the window when all that filled my mind are just nayeon. nayeon, nayeon, nayeon. her long brunette hair, her soft eyes, her small figure, her toothy grin, her bunny teeth, her lavender scent, every inch of her body. my thoughts are just filled up with her. scared of losing her would mean losing everything that i loved. i turned a corner as i ran my hand through my hair in frustration. just as my luck, i found the girls sitting on chairs of the hallway i turned to. they were all crying and hugging each other. i frowned as i slowly walked up to them. 

"g-guys?" i stuttered out, their attention bolting up to me. the atmosphere was too depressing. did she...? no. impossible. i frowned at the idea of nayeon possibly... "nayeon's ok, right?" i frowned as my lips trembled, the tears threatening to spill. my hands curling into fists as i try to contain my shaking and my building anxiety. sana just looked up at me and shook her head as she buried her face in her hands and cried harder. i can feel my body shaking now. my eyes was looking at everyone in an anxious manner. trying to think of this as a joke. it must be, right? this must be a ing joke. "you're kidding. tell me this is a f-ing j-joke."

"this is not a joke." jeongyeon's cold and sharp voice suddenly filled in my ears. eyes immediately looking through hers. she looked like she cried. but, she looked too emotionless now. "she was a crying mess. drove down the highway as she tried to calm herself down, she told me. she texted me she'll come back to her apartment safely after that argument you guys had. a truck hit her car, killing her." but again, who the  am i kidding? i just can't accept this right now. but, she's dead. i closed my eyes as tears after tears ran down my face. 

"n-n-no. no f-ing way. this- this can't be f-f-ing happening." it was getting harder to breathe. choking a sob as every word went out of my mouth. shaking my head furiously as i looked around. "w-where is she? i-i h-have to s-see her." i started looking around and was about to run around the hospital. in hopes of finding were she might be. my legs started working on its own, but before i could get any farther. a pair of arms wrapped around my waist tightly. "l-let me go! i have to see nayeon!"

"t-tzuyu..." mina. 

"i-i have to see her! i-i w-want to apologize!" my sobs got louder and louder as everything became blurry. i dropped down on my knees, mina coming down along with me. "i-i have to tell her-" my voice became a whisper. my sobs died down. but, tears are still coming down. 

"i-i haven't t-told her how much i l-love her."

"tzuyu-ah?" 

"yes, nayeonnie?" i looked over the older girl as she looked up at me seriously. 

"do you love me?" i snorted at her as i focused back on my notes. "i'm serious, tzuyu." tone serious, frown showing. i dropped my pen and pushed my glasses up. my hands softly making its way to her face. eyes focusing on mine.

"of course i do." i said with so much sincerity that i feared she might figure out that it's not just a friendly 'i love you'.

"don't ever leave me, ok?" 

"i will never."

"promise?" pinky sticking out.

"i promise." i intertwined it with my own. 

-----

"hey, how've you'd been doing?" i asked as i put flowers down on the tombstone that has your name engraved. gently fixing the flowers beside your name. 

in loving memory of im nayeon
september 22, 1995 - march 9, 2019

"happy birthday, unnie." i smiled softly as i felt a tear run down my face. "i know it's been awhile since i visited you. it's just hard, you know?" the cold wind hit my face as more fresh tears ran down my face. "you're supposed to be 27 by now. but, you left at 23." i choked back a sob as i stared at your name. "i miss you, you know?" silence. "i hope you're in a great place now." if someone saw me they'll probably think i'm insane. i smiled. "i became the architect you always said i would be. if it weren't for you i would've not go to college." deep breathes. "i almost dropped out the day i knew you were gone. i forgot to tell you something, you know?"

i miss you. 

you were a part of me.

you broke me.

you helped me.

thank you. 

i hope i did something to-

"i forgot to tell you how much i loved you."