Chapter 17

Jiyong found it difficult to breathe, in a very good way. This proximity, it nearly choked him with giddiness. He could see those beautiful eyelashes now. He could even smell the wine and saw it glossing her lips in such a way he almost leaned in to kiss her.

“We're forever grateful for you, Ji.”Her soft lips landed on his cheek first, catching him off guard. “Goodnight.”

The sudden sweet gesture knocked the last reserved air out of Jiyong's lungs. He mentally flailed for clarity under the haze of Kim Taeyeon's boldness, couldn't even reply her with a simple goodnight. Even after Taeyeon disappeared into the room she shared with Jinwoo, he was still in a daze.

One thing was clear though. That sweet kiss? He wanted more.

The clock on the wall ticked a few more time before he made a decision.

Yanking the door of his room open, Jiyong can feel a foreign feeling brewing in his blood.

He wanted her.

He needed her.

To her relief, Taeyeon was already standing in front of her door too.

“Taeyeon.” Eyes darting to the empty wine glass in her hand, Jiyong whispered her name. His feet seemed to be moved by the magical power of Taeyeon's deep stare.

“Yeah.” The distance between them vanished as she strode quickly. The wine glass hit the thick carpet with a soft thud and utter abandonment.

“I love you.” It felt so natural to say those words. Almost as natural as the feeling of her body in his arms. He kissed her lips, tasting that damned remnant of alcohol. His hands roamed all over her body, feeling her lively warmth.

“I'm sorry I hurt you so often.” He stopped for a breath, locking her gaze. “I love you.”

She said no words, only lips as soft as rose petals claiming his lips. His heart. His soul.

It felt so right, when he lifted her up into his arms.

It felt so good, when he brought her into his room.

When their bodies fell together onto the soft mattress, he felt nothing but devotion and love.

“Ji! Wake Up!”

“Huh?” Jiyong rubs his eyes, yawning as he wakes up on the couch.

“You spoke in your sleep.” Sitting by Jiyong's side, Tabi pulls out a cigarette from the pack in his pocket, lights it up, and slides the pack on the table. “You okay?”

“What do you think?” Hunching over the coffee table and yawns once more, Jiyong painfully recalls his dream. He dreams about it a lot lately. That night in Japan. That lovely night that he has fallen to hate.

“How's Taeyeon?”

He shrugs, achingly thinking of how Taeyeon doesn't show any progress at all.

“You've been sleeping here for ten consecutive days now.”

“I have, haven't I?” Leaning back on the headrest, gazing at the ceiling, Jiyong sees Taeyeon's face. It happens a lot lately. He sees her in everything. “You mind?”

“Not really.” Exhaling white smoke into the night air, Tabi also gazes at the ceiling. "My only problem is that you're going back to that old Jiyong I hate so much. Hiding, nursing your pain alone."

“Your problem. Not mine.”

“It is my problem.” in all the poison from the cigarette once more, Tabi now stares deeply at his friend. “The last time you tinker with one of those machines was last week, I guess. We don't pay you to brood.”

“You want me to quit?”

“Nope. Haven't reached that level of evil yet.”

“You want me to magically work my problem out then?”

“If you can. Talking it out with me is a little more realistic approach though. If you still think of me as a friend, that is.”

“What is there to talk about, Tabi? I can't even think about it without feeling like stabbing myself with a knife.”

“What done is done, Ji. You need to plan ahead. And in case you forget, you've got us to back up whatever plan you have.”

“Sandara told you to say that, didn't she? Girl can't even enjoy her sister's Italian wedding without worrying about her ty friend."

“Maybe.” Tabi grimaces a little.  "Doesn't matter who says it first, we both worry about you."

"I'm nothing but trouble for you guys. Sorry."

“Agreed. We like you too much to see your trouble eat you up though.”

Jiyong grabs the cigarette pack in front of Tabi, manages to get one out onto his palm before realizing the look of disapproval on his friend's face.

“I need this, Tabi.”

“I bet you do.”

“What? You want me to drink instead?”

“I know you. Once you start you won't stop. Both alcohol and cigarette are never pregnant woman's friends, mind you.”

Jiyong sighs, propping his head in one hand and gazes out. The night is dark outside the window, just like his mind. He has nowhere to vent. He can't come home to Taeyeon drunk. He can't smoke. He can't even breathe easy knowing every little thing he does might harm her more.

“I can only imagine how painful it is for you right now. But both  Sandara and I think it's time for you to decide.”

“I can't decide for Taeyeon. It's her body. It's her baby.”

“Your baby too.”

“I want to keep it, you know?” Jiyong crushes the cigarette in his palm. “I want this baby because maybe this time I can make it right. Maybe I can actually be a good father this time. Not repeating my father's mistake. Not failing her or him like I failed Jinwoo."

“But I'm so afraid that another kid will only mess Taeyeon more.” He rubs his palms together, sniffing the disintegrated tobacco before throwing the mess into the ashtray. “That I will ruin it once more.”

“This is an impossible puzzle, Tabi. I'm stuck in the middle.” Jiyong is a mess and he knows it. He's hopeful and scared at the same time. A flicker of happiness lights his heart whenever he thinks of another baby he can call his own, another bond he can share with Taeyeon. A flicker that dies down at the fact that Taeyeon is not even ready to be pregnant at the moment.

“When I'm at home I only see a hollow version of her. When there are only the two of us together, I can only remember that night where I once again stepped out of boundary and caused her nothing but harm.”

“Nobody can tell me what will actually happen next. Not even all the doctors and the therapists. If I tell Taeyeon about the baby, it's only logical for her to fall deeper into her depression. If I get rid of the baby without her knowing, I-”

He stops, gazing up at ceiling silently protesting whatever deities live beyond the sky for his sorrowful fate. “I can't be a man that kill my own kid, Tabi. I can't.”

For a long while, only the sound of Tabi smoking cigarette after cigarette fills the workshop.

“Decide for me, Tabi. Help me.” Jiyong eventually stands up and walk to the fridge, wiping both hands on his jeans he then yanks the door open.

“I think you should go with Sandara's plan.”

“Yeah. Murdering my own baby sounds fun.” Jiyong grabs a can of soda from the top shelf. “Especially without the mother's permission.”

“Didn't the therapist and doctors say it's best not to add more weight on Taeyeon's shoulders at the moment?”

“Some of those people also said that it can be a blessing, you know? A miracle. The baby might lead Taeyeon back into loving herself. That some sense of belonging will get her out of the damned stupor.”

Down to his last swig of the cigarette, Tabi inhales slowly. “We still think it's best you go the safer way. No gambling on a miracle.”

“True.” Jiyong drops the can back into the fridge and close the door slowly. He can't even work up an appetite to drink right now. “If only I have the heart to plan a secret abortion for the