“Heejin, stop stalling!”

Heejin doesn’t know how the conversation led to this, but everyone started talking about their first kiss. One by one, the girls had told the stories of their first kisses, clockwise around the cafeteria table. Hyunjin had finished her story a while ago, something that had happened a year before they even met.

If she were being honest, Heejin would say that she hates Hyunjin’s story, Hyunjin’s picture-perfect first boyfriend and that stupid dance floor or whatever. She hadn't been paying much attention. It hurt too much to listen, even though she’d heard the story a thousand times.

Now it’s Heejin’s turn and she has absolutely no clue what to say.

Heejin looks up from the cafeteria table. The second their eyes connect, Hyunjin shakes her head at her. Heejin purses her lips, the hurt of that night returning with Hyunjin’s slight action. It saddens her because that meant that Hyunjin didn’t want anyone to know that they kissed.

Maybe she’s ashamed of her. Maybe she regrets it.

“Heejin-unnie, come on who was it?” whines Yeojin from her seat across the table.

Don’t tell them it was with Hyunjin. Lie. Lie.

“Stop annoying her, maybe she hasn’t had it yet-”

“I’m just curious!”

“No, you’re being annoying--”

The loud noises and the arguing around her start to piss her off. Eventually, Heejin snaps. “Y-you don’t know her, okay? So just shut up about it!”

Suddenly, everyone's quiet. Heejin doesn’t notice her mistake [doesn’t notice that ‘her’ could even be a mistake] until Sooyoung bursts into a grin and Hyunjin looks away, paler than ever. It’s the telltale sign that Hyunjin is ashamed of her, ashamed of what they shared that night.

It hurts knowing that something which makes Heejin feel so impossibly happy is nothing but a source of shame for the other girl. Or well, made Heejin feel so happy. The second Hyunjin pushed her away, the memory of those perfect kisses were tainted with pain.

Even though it hurts, Heejin can understand why Hyunjin feels that way. If she weren’t a girl, Hyunjin wouldn’t have to be ashamed, it isn’t really Heejin that she’s ashamed of. It's just the fact that Heejin is a girl that makes it something they have to hide. [If only we could change the world so no one had to feel ashamed for who they lov- kissed].

“That doesn’t count,” one of the girls scoff. She’s a new friend of the group’s and because of this, Heejin doesn’t know her name. “Unless you’re like gay or whatever.”

The word never bothered Heejin before, but the way the girl said it in a scandalous whisper (and the way Hyunjin flinched) made Heejin feel… bad. It’s just one syllable but it stings like a thousand needles. The girl had sounded almost disgusted. Did lov- kissing Hyunjin make Heejin disgusting?

“Of course it counts,” Sooyoung interjects, that wide grin still present on her face, “girls are better at kissing than boys anyway. Right, Heejin?” The older girl playfully bumps her shoulder against Heejin’s and it makes Heejin smile even just for a second. 

Before Heejin can reply, Hyunjin interjects.

“And how would you know?” Hyunjin asks abruptly, her tone harsh and her arms crossed around her chest. She seems almost angry at Sooyoung and Heejin can’t help but wonder why she's being so defensive.

Sooyoung merely shrugs in response. “I’ve kissed both, obviously.” How could she say that so effortlessly? How can she not care about what people think? The other girls are visibly surprised by her nonchalance, mouths agape. “Why do you all look shocked? Girls are cute as hell.” Beside Sooyoung, Jiwoo blushes a deep red but Heejin decides not to question it.

Luckily for both Heejin and Hyunjin, all attention goes to Sooyoung after her remark.

“Sooyoung,” Jungeun gasps, a fake-shock tone to her voice, “how can you say that so loudly in our beloved Catholic school?” She makes an exaggerated sign of the cross with her eyes closed, and looks up and whispers an apology up to God. Everyone but Hyunjin laughs.

Eventually, the group moves on. Haseul says something about her first kiss being a total disappointment, causing even more laughs which quickly turns to silence when Vivi offers her a ‘better kissing experience’ as she put it. Heejin’s almost envious about how bold her unnies were about kissing other girls.

After the bell rings, Hyunjin offers to walk Heejin to class.

Heejin knows that Hyunjin’s chemistry class is on the other side of the school - they memorised each other’s timetables early on in the school year - but instead of admitting that, Heejin hikes her bag up her shoulder and accepts the offer with a curt nod.

They walk together in silence, both desperate to speak but neither knowing the right words to say. Heejin tries to look anywhere but Hyunjin, because she knows that if she looks at the other girl she’ll break. Beside her, Hyunjin’s eyes dart around the hallways as she gathers the confidence.

“So who is she?” Hyunjin asks, still using that harsh tone she used on Sooyoung. Heejin grimaces at her anger-filled voice, so far away from the voice she lov- liked so much. Hyunjin no-doubt thinks she’s being nonchalant, her hands stuffed into her blazer pocket and eyes looking anywhere but Heejin’s direction.

“Who?” Heejin asks, pretending not to know. Her voice is stilted and it’s clear that Hyunjin knows she’s lying to her, Hyunjin’s hand gripping her backpack strap so hard that her knuckles turn white.

“Y’know,” Hyunjin says, “your first kiss. Who is she?” The words are said so slowly and deliberately that even without looking at her Heejin can tell she’s pissed off.

Why does she care so much?

“Just some girl,” Heejin says. She talks to the floor, not being able to face Hyunjin. She never could lie to her. They’re best friends, after all, they aren’t supposed to hide anything from each other. Having to lie to Hyunjin hurts more than she ever thought it would but she can’t bear to tell the truth either. “Don’t remember her name.”

Hyunjin lets out a shaky breath, letting out all her nerves with it. “I thought that--” she pauses for a moment, as if thinking about how to phrase her next words, “I thought I was your first kiss?” It’s not really a question, but Hyunjin’s returning nerves make her voice higher at the end of the statement as if it were.

At her words, Heejin’s throat closes up and she can almost feel her heart beating as if it were lodged there. She makes fists of her hands and stops in her tracks. Heejin clutches her books closer to her chest as she shakes her head.

Hyunjin keeps walking, not noticing that Heejin had stopped walking until she realises she can’t hear Heejin’s footfalls next to her. Turning around, she looks at the other girl who is just standing there, her fists clenched around her books. Hyunjin’s a couple of feet ahead but she feels so close when their eyes connect.
Heejin feels like crying, like yelling out how she really feels.

“You told me to forget about it and I did.” Heejin’s voice is so soft that Hyunjin almost doesn’t catch the words. Hyunjin almost wishes that she hadn’t because they make her heart hurt. “So that kiss doesn’t count.”

Heejin feels like she might burst into tears any second - she can already feel tears prickling at her eyes - so she decides to leave as soon as she can. She doesn’t want to give Hyunjin the satisfaction of knowing that she made her cry yet again. Besides, Hyunjin didn't care, right? She definitely didn't care that night - she had just left Heejin stranded there, all alone with her doubts and confusing feelings.

Hyunjin’s about to say something and Heejin doesn’t think she can handle hearing it. So instead of waiting, Heejin walks into the next classroom and ignores the other girl asking her to stay. As she stands in the doorway, she looks at Hyunjin and murmurs a quick “thanks for walking me to class” before walking through the door.

Hyunjin just stands in the hallway even though she knows she should really be sprinting to her chemistry classroom.