There’s this saying that goes: “it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”. Hyunjin can’t decide whether she believes it or not.

Would she feel better if they were to say their final goodbyes as friends, never quite knowing that they could have been something so much more? That way, logically, Hyunjin would be losing less. Losing a chance at love would surely be better than losing an entire person - someone Hyunjin let herself care about too much.

Because sure, she has memories of Heejin to hold onto and, in theory, cushion the blow.

She’ll never forget the days they spent together, hand-in-hand as they let the chaos of the world pass them by. The sweetness of the cold ice cream coupled with Heejin’s lips will be a memory that Hyunjin will always cherish, just like memories of them sharing side-glances in boring classes and filling the time with ty jokes or pulling Heejin into empty classrooms to make sure no one sees her stealing precious kisses.

But, in a way, those happy times just makes this goodbye all the more tragic - only mean that Hyunjin’s losing so much more. She's not just losing Heejin, the best friend that she had clichedly fallen for, but the Heejin she had bared her soul to, the Heejin she had shared her happiest moments with.

Basically, the unfortunate way that life works is that the more you allow yourself to love and care about someone, the more difficult it is to say let go of them.

That by itself is terrifying, but there’s also more to it than that. It’s the fact that Hyunjin allowed Heejin to feel the same way - that Heejin herself must be hurting by having to leave. So by loving Heejin (being loved), did Hyunjin inadvertently inflict pain on Heejin?

She knows that loving Heejin is worth all the pain in the world. But if Hyunjin’s love somehow caused Heejin harm, she would - without hesitation - choose to not have loved Heejin at all.

So maybe the phrase is entirely wrong and it is better to never have loved. Maybe that way the pain of loss can’t hurt either of them quite so deeply.

“Remember to do your homework every day, alright?” Hyunjin overhears Haseul say, her worried voice pulling Hyunjin out of her thoughts. “Brush your teeth, take your vitamins, a--”

“I know, I know!” Yeojin says in response, cutting off Haseul’s mini-tirade.

It’s clear that Yeojin’s trying to appear annoyed at Haseul's concern - her arms are folded tightly across her chest and she rolls her eyes - but when Yeojin averts her eyes and glares at Haseul’s suitcase, her indifferent front all but melts away.

Haseul softens, wrapping the arm that isn’t holding her suitcase over Yeojin’s shoulders. “I’ll miss you.”

“I know,” Yeojin repeats, her voice quieter than before. “You’ll visit us lots, right?”

“Of course,” Haseul says with a small smile. She lets go of Yeojin and turns on her heel to face the girl next to her.

“And Vivi--” she hesitates, seeming to struggle in finding the right words before nodding and settling on “I’ll miss you as well.”

There’s something in how Haseul’s voice wavers as she speaks, something in how Vivi wordlessly pulls her into an embrace.

Hyunjin watches as Vivi’s hold tightens then immediately loosens as if holding herself back. Hyunjin isn’t quite sure what Vivi could be holding herself back from, that is, until Vivi closes her eyes and it instantly becomes obvious.

Or maybe, Hyunjin realises as Vivi sighs, the pain of never loving at all cuts even deeper than expected.

Because when Vivi whispers an “I’ll miss you” so quiet as if she didn’t want anyone else to hear, Hyunjin swears she can hear an “I love you” that neither of them had ever dared say aloud.

And when Haseul’s hand lets go of the suitcase handle to envelop herself even deeper into Vivi’s arms, Hyunjin can practically feel the regret coming off of both of them. Regret that a mere hug - and not a kiss - might be their final moment of intimacy. Regret that now an admission of love would be far too late.

“Call me whenever you can, alright?” Haseul says, “I don’t care if it interrupts practices or wakes me up -- I’d rather hear your voice than sleep.”

“Of course,” Vivi replies, “I l--”

Hyunjin’s breath bates, half-expecting a confession to come out of the older girl's mouth.

“I’ll call.”

Haseul seems disappointed at that response, her lips pressing into a thin line.

Thinking that she might be invading their private moment too much, Hyunjin turns to observe the others.

Jiwoo appears to be enveloping Heejin in a hug that looks too tight to be comfortable, with Jungeun trying to pry her off and Sooyoung busy laughing off to the side. Fortunately, Heejin doesn't seem too distressed with the situation - hugging Jiwoo with just as much enthusiasm.

When Jiwoo finally pulls back from the hug, both her and Jungeun start to speak.

Hyunjin can't hear them that well, but Jungeun and Jiwoo seem to be giving a similar talk to the one Haseul gave Yeojin just moments prior. Simple reminders to take antibiotics, to stretch to prevent swelling, and all sorts of little tips to "help Heejin with her new life in the big city". It's sort of sweet to see them pretend to be experts on city life when the only ones that had spent any time living there (namely, Vivi and Sooyoung) have stayed relatively quiet.

Unlike Yeojin, Heejin stands there nodding, taking in their sage advice with an earnest expression. The only break in Heejin's focus comes when her eyes meet with Hyunjin's, and she breaks into a smile.

Heejin excuses herself from the conversation - not without giving them all small final hugs - and cheerily walks towards Hyunjin.

“Hyunjin!” she calls out.

Hyunjin's hand comes off of the handle of Heejin's suitcase to wave at her as she comes closer. If Hyunjin's being honest, she would admit that her forearm started to hurt half an hour ago, but her ego wouldn't let her. That and it's better for her to hurt than Heejin, right?

“Train’s almost here,” Heejin says casually. “Got anything you want to say to me?” Her words almost cheeky in tone and they make Hyunjin smile.

Hyunjin's sort of glad that they aren't making it a sad farewell. She has no tears left to cry anyway.

Heejin's probably expecting a goodbye. But "goodbye" feels like poison in Hyunjin’s mouth, a word she’d rather die than to say to Heejin’s face. They might have said it all the time in the past, but in these past few weeks, they had been so inseparable that the word feels alien to her.

So instead, Hyunjin says the words that have become all too easy to say, the words that roll off of her tongue almost daily.

“I love you.” It’s almost amusing to think back to when those words were practically impossible to write down, let alone say. Especially since they had stood in this very same train station when they first admitted it to each other.

"I love you too, you idiot," Heejin says, the fondness evident in her voice and the softness in her eyes. "I love you so much--"

Hyunjin watches as Heejin's eyes glaze over, and she closes the gap between them in a flash upon noticing it.

"Hey, hey, don't cry," Hyunjin says, in the calmest voice she can manage. She bites her bottom lip as she tries to ignore the emotions welling up in her chest, too easily affected by the sight of Heejin dissolving into tears. "This is a happy day, remember? You're gonna go and fulfil your dream. You're gonna make us so damn proud."

There’s something in Hyunjin's throat that she keeps trying to swallow, something she'll later recognise as faint heartache.

Heejin sniffles slightly, a lone tear escaping the side of her right eye. "I know-- I guess these are happy tears." She chuckles, her voice all scratchy from the moment of crying.

There are no words left to say.

So instead, Hyunjin stands there simply admiring the girl she had chosen to fall in love with, glad that it was Heejin and not anyone else. Her gaze flits from the comfy-looking jacket Hyunjin could have sworn used to be hers, to the cute beanie sitting on the top of Heejin's head, before settling on the silver ring that matches the one Hyunjin is wearing.

It isn't a friendship ring, nor is it a promise ring. To Hyunjin, it symbolises the love they share. It's nothing but a small reminder, but it will be one of the few concrete things she has to keep Heejin close to her.

Wordlessly, Hyunjin takes Heejin's hand, shuts her eyes, and presses a chaste kiss onto the ring, right where the engraving is.

When she opens her eyes again, Heejin is staring at her with a look she can't quite decipher. It doesn't seem sad or cheerful, but more contemplative, and Hyunjin doesn't really know what to say.

The sound of a single train pulling up to the station forces them to tear their gazes away from each other.

"Goodbye."

Hyunjin just nods in response.

She watches as Heejin drags the suitcase across the concrete of the departure platform. When Heejin finally goes through the carriage door and waves at them, Hyunjin can only stand with her arms by her sides as the doors slide to a close and she can no longer see her.

Moments and moments pass by and the train carrying Heejin gets smaller and smaller until she is nothing but a dot in Hyunjin’s vision.

“You alright?” Vivi says, appearing at her side seemingly from nowhere.

“Yeah, I guess,” Hyunjin says, taking a pause between her sentence to take a breath she didn't know she had been holding, “or at least I will be.”

There's a certain unnameable feeling in the pit of her stomach that she can't pinpoint. Hyunjin thinks that of the people still left on the departure platform, Vivi might be the one who can best understand the emotion, so she turns to the older girl.

“What about you?” Hyunjin asks.

“What about me?”

Hyunjin tries to frame it as subtly as she can. She knows that the pair haven't admitted it to each other yet, so there's a decent chance that Vivi wouldn't be comfortable in confiding it to Hyunjin.

“You... lost someone today, too.”

A silence settles over them. In the corner of Hyunjin's eye, she can see the other four walking off - presumably back to their respective homes.

“She isn’t mine to lose, remember?”

Vivi's sharp tone makes it clear that she doesn't want Hyunjin to keep pressing, but Hyunjin can't stop herself. When Vivi starts to walk off, Hyunjin fears she'll lose this chance to talk to and potentially help the older girl. She doesn’t want both of them to have to pretend that everything’s okay.

“She could have been." Vivi's steps slow and she comes to a stop as if waiting for Hyunjin to keep talking. "And that’s even worse.”

"Let's just go home, Hyunjin. I--" Vivi's head tilts down, gaze focused on the concrete floor directly below her. "I feel really tired for some reason."