To say that avoiding Hyunjin was hard on Heejin would be an understatement.

For as long as they had been friends, they were practically stuck to each other. They memorised each others’ timetables, waited by each others’ lockers, and Heejin even made a point to watch Hyunjin’s various sports games after school. To put it lightly, their decision to be apart changed many aspects of their daily lives.

Like their shared classes, for example. Their closeness made their choice to sit next to each other a natural decision, the farthest thing from awkward. But now that they weren’t speaking, Heejin finds herself stuck in an awkward silence where she struggles not to break and start talking to the other girl. Every class that they have together is now an unbearable hour.

Especially Maths, Heejin’s worst subject.
She could never understand or even memorise the countless formulae they used on a daily basis, much less solve the problems they were assigned.

Like most days, the teacher goes through a slideshow so boring that it almost puts Heejin to sleep, then drones through a similarly dull lecture, and gives out yet another worksheet with problems for the students to work on.

As soon as the sheet touches the desk in front of her, Heejin’s face morphs into a look of confusion.
What does that squiggly line mean again?
Since she’d usually turn to Hyunjin for help, Heejin instinctively opens to whisper to the girl beside her- who seems to be breezing through the problems - but eventually stops herself.
Right, we’re ignoring each other.

The clock in front of the class ticks. For what feels like the hundredth time, Heejin looks up at it and grimaces. Fifteen minutes until class ends. Heejin’s practically sure that the minute hand is stuck - it feels like she’s been festering away in this classroom for days.

Back to the worksheet. The numbers and blank spaces where answers should be are almost taunting Heejin, mocking her for not being mature enough to end the silence and ask for help.

Hyunjin shifts as she stretches her leg out.
The fabric of her skirt brushes against Heejin’s thigh and her instantaneous reaction is to bite the inside of her cheek as her heart rushes from the slight contact. When did this happen? Just a week ago, Hyunjin’s touches had meant nothing more than friendly affection. They never used to make Heejin’s heart thrum impossibly fast against her ribcage, make her head swim with unwanted thoughts.

All too soon, Hyunjin shifts her leg again and they’re back to their too-far positions.

After Heejin scrawls down some half-assed solutions, the bell finally rings. Almost immediately, most students stand up and start packing their books away into their backpacks. Heejin does the same, watching Hyunjin from the corner of her eye.

She sees how the other girl moves in a slow, almost sluggish fashion, all too different from the way she’d usually scramble to be one of the first to leave. Heejin can’t help but think that Hyunjin’s slowness is for her sake, to make an excuse as to why they won’t leave for the cafeteria together.

A little hurt, Heejin walks out of the classroom briskly, not sparing another glance to the other girl. She bows a little to the teacher and mutters a brief thanks for the lesson.

Heejin and Hyunjin always walked home together. It was easier that way. They both took the same train to their respective streets, after all. Of course, that part of their routine also changed what with their choice to ignore each other.
So for the past three days, Heejin walked home alone, her usual laugh-filled walk with Hyunjin replaced by its much lonelier counterpart.

Today, however, Heejin has Jiwoo to keep her company.

Out of her numerous close friends, Jiwoo’s the one Heejin considers almost like a sister.
Heejin’s own sisters had gone off to university, leaving Heejin alone in their too-big house, and now Jiwoo sort of filled that big sister role in her life. Because of that, Heejin confided in the older girl and told her all about the difficult situation she’s facing with Hyunjin. She explained her messy feelings towards the other girl, her frustration with their avoidance of each other, and her dislike for the loneliness she felt during her trips home.

To Heejin’s relief, Jiwoo showcased nothing but understanding towards her situation, not even batting an eyelash at her falling for another girl. Jiwoo spoke a little about her own experiences with love, an experience she cryptically described as scarily similar to Heejin’s own.

No doubt that was the reason that Jiwoo chose to forego her choir practice to take Heejin home, an action that Heejin considers sweet but unnecessary. Heejin knows that Jiwoo feels bad for her and appreciates the older girl not wanting her to feel alone, so she lets Jiwoo accompany her with little argument.

They make it to the train station with little difficulty, in fact, Heejin finds it even simpler than walking with Hyunjin normally was. Usually, she’d have to quicken her pace to match with Hyunjin’s, only to be playfully teased if she lagged behind.

That being said, their slow pace means that when they reach the train station, they practically have to race to reach their train. They barely make it in time, their breathing laboured from having had to sprint.
The doors close and luckily they find two empty seats. As soon as they sit, they start up a conversation once more.

“You didn’t have to walk home with me, unnie,” Heejin says, “I’m fine with being alone for a bit.”

Jiwoo tilts her head to the side and seems to contemplate Heejin’s words. “I’m just being a good friend,” Jiwoo replies. “Friendship’s really important, dontcha think?” She smiles her usual wide smile, shining as brightly as the sun.

Without even thinking, Heejin nods.

To pass the time, they end up playing games. ‘I Spy’ quickly becomes too boring (nothing interesting passes them by) so they start playing ‘Would You Rather?’. The questions start off pretty normally.

Would you rather own a cat or a dog? Dog. They both agree. Heejin says that she’s allergic to fur, and so she was never allowed to own either. Jiwoo suggests owning a Sphynx cat.

Would you rather lose your best friend or all of your friends except for your best friend? Jiwoo gasps loudly, attracting some attention from the passengers near her, before answering that she’d rather lose her best friend. As Heejin laughs at her dramatic response, Jiwoo texts a rushed apology to Jungeun, only making Heejin laugh harder at Jungeun’s ‘?’ in reply.

Would you rather have love or friendship?

“Love,” Heejin immediately answers, before faltering a little, “wait no, friendship. But you have to love your friends right? So… love?”
Jiwoo’s uncharacteristically silent beside her, so she flounders a little.
“I mean, I guess that’s a different kind of love. Obviously, you wouldn’t love a friend romantically,” Heejin continues. “But you could - hypothetically, of course - fall in love with a friend. That’s alright, right?”

Jiwoo frowns a little, hesitating before shaking her head. “I don’t think you should mix love and friendship,” Jiwoo says, sadly, “that can get a bit complicated.”

“They sorta get mixed on their own.” Heejin sighs. “Then you can’t stop thinking of one without the other.”

Inside Heejin’s mind, the question she couldn’t answer still remains. Would she rather have love or friendship? And why did she pick love so quickly?

“You know,” Jiwoo says, “sometimes you have to give up the chance to have something you really, really want for something you need.”

“...What do you mean?”

“Just to clarify, we’re talking about you and Hyunjin, right?” Heejin doesn’t respond, but Jiwoo continues anyway. “Well, in this case, Hyunjin is what you really, really want.” Jiwoo holds up one of her hands.

Heejin blushes a little at the older girl’s blunt phrasing but doesn’t interrupt.

“And it’s that want that’s preventing you from having what you need.” Jiwoo lifts up her other hand. “Hyunjin as your friend. Like right now. You’re avoiding each other because you want more than she’s ready to give. You’ve made your friendship complicated by mixing in that love and now you don’t have her at all.”

Heejin contemplates her words for a while. Could it really be true? Did she really have to choose between admitting her feelings and keeping her friendship? “So I have to choose, huh? Love or friendship,” Heejin weakly says. Her eyes fixate on the train’s grimy floor, unable to look Jiwoo in the eyes.

Love or friendship? The thought of choosing between the two terrifies Heejin. She’s never wanted for anything as much as she wants to choose both. Having Hyunjin as a friend made for the happiest moments of her life. Losing that closeness would be the worst thing that’s ever happened to her. But having her as a girlfriend would be... amazing.

“It’s a bit obvious which one you should pick, dontcha think?” Jiwoo says. “Cause if you admit that you want more, you could lose her. You probably will lose her. After all, when you kissed her, she only pushed you away.”

Jiwoo tenderly puts her hand on Heejin’s shoulder, trying to console the younger girl. “I know it’s hard, Heejin, but it’s the truth… At least if you stay friends, you’ll be by her side.” Heejin looks back up. “It’ll hurt but having her as a friend is better than not having her at all.”

“I know, I know,” Heejin says firmly as if trying to convince herself. “Some part of me wants to keep pretending that one day we’ll end up together,” Heejin admits. She laughs a little, but she half-chokes up. “It’s pathetic, right? Hoping for something that’ll never happen. I’m pathetic.”

“No, no, you’re not pathetic.” Jiwoo wraps her up in a hug, her arms effortlessly positioning themselves over Heejin’s shoulders. “I get how you feel. Sometimes when you want something really badly, you’ll convince yourself that it’ll happen. And love… it’s something most people desperately want. It’s something hard to let go of, even if you know it’s for the best. But you have to, Heejin, you have to let go.”

In Jiwoo’s embrace, Heejin dissolves into tears, no longer caring about the other passengers on the train.

“It hurts so bad, unnie,” Heejin says, her chest constricting as she struggled to breathe. “I don’t want to feel like this -- but I don’t want it to go away either. Kissing her… it’s the happiest I’ve ever been. But at the same time, it’s the reason why I’m hurting now.”

“I get it, Heejin, I really do.” Jiwoo rubs Heejin’s back in comforting circles, almost breaking into tears of her own. “But you can’t keep hurting yourself like this. Feelings like that, they’ll just tear you apart,” Jiwoo sighs. “Once you put that feeling behind you, it’ll get easier. I promise.”

“Speaking from experience?” Heejin murmurs into Jiwoo’s shoulder.

Jiwoo doesn’t answer her.

Heejin calms down after a while and they break apart. Eventually, they reach Jiwoo’s stop. As she’s stepping off the train, she leaves Heejin with a few parting words. “If you want things to go back to the way they were, you’re gonna have to make that choice, Heejin. And you have to choose the right one.“

Love or friendship?

If she goes by Jiwoo’s example, she would have to choose friendship, right? As far as Heejin knows, Jiwoo’s not in a relationship. Logically, Jiwoo would have chosen to give up her chance for love to save her friendship.

But Heejin isn’t Jiwoo.

And if she’s being honest with herself, she didn’t want things to go back to the way they were. She wants things to be better. She wants Hyunjin. She can't bear the thought of letting go of having the other girl, even if the odds are against her.

Sometimes you have to give up the chance to have something you really, really want for something you need.

By the time Heejin gets off of the train, she knows exactly what she has to do next.