You told me to forget about it and I did.

Heejin’s words replay over and over in Hyunjin’s mind, an eternal loop of words she wishes she had never heard. If it was hard for Hyunjin to hear in the moment, it is pure agony to have to relive it again and again.

This must be how heartbreak feels, Hyunjin thinks, as she places her hand over her chest. She never knew that emotional pain could be like this - that a single sentence could leave her breathless in the worst of ways, that she could repeat a sentence over and over to herself until each syllable made her heart ache. The closest feeling she could compare it to was as if she’d been punched in the stomach, the similar winded feeling which leaves all your insides feeling wrong.

You told me to forget about it and I did.

Heejin was right. It’s all Hyunjin’s fault, really.

If only she hadn't pushed Heejin away that night on the beach. If only she hadn't been so scared of what she felt for the other girl, whatever that feeling might be. If only she had let herself kiss and be kissed, let herself live in that spectacular moment rather than running away like a coward. Maybe she would have been happier if she never told the other girl to forget.

You told me to forget about it and I did.

Heejin had sounded so at peace with it, as if she’d completely erased that memory from her brain. That irritated Hyunjin. That kiss - or better yet, those kisses - mean everything to Hyunjin. How dare Heejin just forget it? How dare Heejin move on when Hyunjin can’t, when Hyunjin struggles through every moment trying not to reminisce on the softness of Heejin’s lips, trying not to remember how good it felt to be so close to the other girl?

It’s all your fault. It’s all your fault. It’s all your fault.

Frustrated, Hyunjin runs her hand through her hair. Finding that it does nothing to calm her nerves, she resorts to pulling at the strands, sighing in relief when the physical pain momentarily distracts her from her unwanted thoughts.

Across from her, Haseul looks up from her lunch to focus on Hyunjin, clearly worried.

“You alright?” Haseul asks, her eyes flicking down to Hyunjin’s food, still wrapped in its foil. “You haven’t even touched your food.”

Hyunjin only nods.

From the farthest corner of the room, loud laughter emanates. Without looking up, Hyunjin can tell it came from Heejin, only causing her to hurt more. The fact that the laughter didn’t come from right beside her reminds Hyunjin that they’ve been avoiding each other for three days now. Three days of torture, basically.

She doesn’t know which one of them started the avoiding first, but the fact is that they haven’t talked since Hyunjin walked her to class three days ago. It’s hard having your best friend act so coldly to you, reminding you that it’s all your fault every time she deliberately ignores you. Three days of radio silence in the classes where they sat together, of intentionally walking slower so they didn’t have to walk side-by-side, of choosing to sit at different tables at lunch.

Thankfully, Haseul chose to sit with Hyunjin, so she isn’t completely alone. Hyunjin has a suspicion that Haseul chooses to sit with her to avoid someone as well, but she appreciates the company so she doesn't ask.

Haseul tries again, trying to elicit a more vocal response from the younger girl. “Not hungry, huh?”

Hyunjin nods.

Haseul sighs, clearly annoyed at Hyunjin's lack of words. “Look, you’re going to have to talk to Heejin sometime, you know?” When Hyunjin doesn’t respond, she starts again.  “Whatever’s going on between you two has to stop. You can’t avoid each other for the rest of the year.”

“I know, I know,” Hyunjin responds, rolling her eyes at Haseul’s motherlike nagging.

They sit in silence for a little while, Hyunjin still not making any move to unwrap her lunch. Again, the words swirl through her mind. This time, they’re meshed together - the painful memory combining with her disparaging thoughts.

You told me to forget about it and I did. It’s all your fault. You told me to forget about it and I did. It’s all your fau-

“It’s fine, you know?” Haseul says.

Hyunjin tilts her head in confusion.

“Liking girls. It’s alright if you do.” Hyunjin just tilts her head more. “It’s alright if you like Heejin - that’s what this whole thing-” she gestures to the table with her fork, pointing out how the seats are empty besides the two of them “-is about, right?”

“Me? Liking Heejin?” Hyunjin asks incredulously. “Our Heejin? That terrible cook who still carries around a stuffed bunny and yells at me if I don’t hold her hand across the street? Why the hell would I like her? Why the hell would I-”

Haseul looks pointedly at her, making Hyunjin stop with her mini-rant. Still, the thought of how ridiculous it is that Haseul thinks she likes Heejin continues on. Heejin’s probably the complete opposite of Hyunjin’s type! Sure, she’s sweet, talented, and funny but… she’s a girl!

And well, Hyunjin isn’t gay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. Hyunjin’s parents always taught her that other people should be respected, no matter their race, uality, religion, what have you.

But therein lies the issue. It’s always about other people. Other people could like girls and boys, they have that choice. But in the back of her mind, Hyunjin always felt like maybe it would be different if it was her.

Her parents are accepting but she feels like maybe if it was their own daughter, they’d change their minds. It’s ridiculous, sure, but Hyunjin has this innate fear that their so-called unconditional love could be lost if it turns out that she isn’t the perfect straight daughter.

But anyway, Hyunjin isn’t gay. At least, she doesn’t think she is.

She’s always liked guys - their taller statures, their deeper voices, their rougher attitudes. How could it be that Heejin, who had none of those qualities (well, her voice could be sort of deep at times), could capture her attention so wholly?

It isn’t like Hyunjin’s attracted to girls. She’s surrounded by pretty girls all the time - she isn’t blind, she knows that her friends are drop dead gorgeous - but never felt anything.

Take Haseul for example.

Hyunjin looks up to see the older girl trying (and failing) to cut through a cherry tomato with her plastic fork. Objectively, Hyunjin thinks Haseul’s beautiful, appreciates the pretty curve of her eyes, the dark waves of her cascading hair, the downright adorable crinkle of her nose as she bites into her food. But Hyunjin isn’t attracted to any of that.

But when it comes to Heejin, all the things Hyunjin never thought she’d be attracted to come together in the most beautiful way.

Hyunjin sits up a little to fix her eyes on where Heejin is sitting across the room. Their eyes meet and Hyunjin can’t bear to look away. Fortunately [or maybe, unfortunately, Hyunjin hasn’t decided yet], Heejin looks away for the both of them.

Anyways, Hyunjin’s never liked long hair. But when she thinks about how Heejin’s tickles her shoulders as they walk too close or how Heejin’s perfectly frames her face making her look impossibly prettier, she thinks that maybe she’s liked long hair all along.

Hyunjin’s never liked small hands. But she can’t deny the fluttering in her stomach when Heejin’s dainty ones are engulfed in hers whenever their hands clasp together. Sometimes Hyunjin stares for too long at how Heejin’s hands maneuver around a guitar fret, focuses too much on how Heejin’s fingers curl to press down on the strings.

So what is it? What is it about Heejin that makes everything Hyunjin’s ever known about love, everything she's ever known about herself, irrelevant?

Hyunjin watches as Heejin takes a long drink of water from Jiwoo’s water bottle, her head tilted back to avoid touching it with her lips as she sprays the water into . She watches how bobs with each gulp. Subconsciously, Hyunjin gulps as well. For some reason, feels as dry as a desert.

Wow.

Okay so, maybe Hyunjin is a teeny tiny bit gay. But only for Heejin, as if she’s some exception to Hyunjin’s rule. Hyunjin could handle that, she's used to having the same-aged girl affect her in ways no one ever could.

“Alright,” Hyunjin says, making Haseul focus her attention back on her. “Maybe, just maybe, I like Heejin.”

Now it’s Haseul’s turn to nod.

“But so what?” Hyunjin throws her hands up in defeat. “What am I supposed to do with that information?”

“Well usually when someone likes someone, they tell them,” Haseul says, matter-of-factly. “Y’know, just go up to her and say: “I like your face, wanna date?”.” For some reason, Haseul chooses to put on a terrible impression of Hyunjin (she’s pretty sure she doesn’t talk anything like that) to illustrate the potential ‘confession’, causing Hyunjin to make a face at her. “It’ll be easy.”

“Yeah?” Hyunjin rolls her eyes and folds her arms over her chest. Honestly, Haseul pretending as if it’s easy to confess to someone is laughable. “Managed to do that with Vivi unnie yet?”

“Wha- our situations are completely different!”

Hyunjin quirks an eyebrow. “In what way are they any different?” she asks, sarcastically. “Girl likes girl. Girl doesn't have the guts to ask the other girl out. Girl sits at a different table to avoid her feelings. Same thing.”

“Except Heejin actually likes you back!” Haseul exclaims.

“Alright, alright, I’m kidding. No need to yell it so the whole school hears.”

“It might not be as easy as I’m saying it is, but…” she moves in closer to Hyunjin, “you need to tell her.”

“You know how hard it’s been to talk to her lately? I couldn’t even manage to text asking what homework we had. It’ll be like hell trying to confess.”

Hyunjin weakly laughs. It’s sort of funny how someone who you could tell everything to can immediately become someone impossible to talk to. It took weeks for them to form such a close bond but in a matter of seconds, just a few words ruined it all.

“And, I don't even think I could say the right words in front of her. I- I could mess up and say something I don't mean. Ruin it all over again.”

You told me to forget i-

“You could write a letter,” Haseul suggests, “that way you can’t say the wrong thing.”

Hyunjin makes another disgusted face.

“That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard.”

A love letter? Confessing that way would be nauseatingly cheesy, to say the least. She’d be like the typical girl in a high school drama, handing her love interest an envelope filled with her deepest thoughts.

But Heejin loves cheesy. Heejin loves to watch those ty romance dramas, cheers when the main couple kisses for the first time, bursts into tears at whatever conflict comes up.

Since Hyunjin ruined Heejin’s first kiss, she feels like she needs to do something drastic to repair their friendship - and hopefully move them into something more.

Hyunjin looks up to see Heejin smiling at their friends, then dropping that smile the second they look away. She watches as Heejin picks at her food with her chopsticks, her lunch nearly as uneaten as Hyunjin’s, clearly feeling just as distraught that they hadn’t spoken in days. Hyunjin can't help but to feel terrible that she’s the reason Heejin isn't smiling, isn't eating, isn't acting the same.

“Fine, I’ll write the stupid letter.”