The second she gets home, Hyunjin chucks her bag to one side of her room and sits at her desk. Determined, she gets out her pen and paper and starts to write what’s been on her mind for days.

Dear Heejin,

Alone in her bedroom, Hyunjin writes and rewrites the letter about a thousand times. She has so much she wants to say, and yet no words that could properly express her feelings come to mind. It certainly doesn’t help that she herself doesn’t know how she feels.

It’s as if her vocabulary was quartered the second she put her pen to the lined paper; she struggles to find any words that could describe the feelings that have been crowding her mind.

Annoyed, she crumples up yet another piece of paper and tosses it to her now overflowing trash can.

She picks up her pen and tries again.

Dear Heejin,

That night on the beach, I don't know why but I felt like I had to kiss you.

Another groan. Another paper gets crumpled up and thrown into the trash.

Because the words aren't completely correct. It wasn't just the beach, but a collection of all the moments they had spent together, maybe even starting from the moment their eyes met. The beach was just the night Hyunjin finally realised it, a catalyst for her confession.

Dear Heejin,

I think I love you. And that thought ing terrifies me.

Love? Isn’t it way too soon to call it that? Just like she had done in previous drafts, Hyunjin second-guesses her words, making her want to start all over again.

Irritated at herself and her indecisiveness, Hyunjin crosses out the word over and over until her pen goes through the paper and scratches her wooden desk.

The pen falls to the floor as Hyunjin moves to hold her head in her hands.

Why is this so ing hard?, she thinks, her eyes closed in frustration. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Maybe I should just give up. Why am I doing this anyway?

Eventually, her eyes open. Her eyes meet a string of polaroid pictures hanging directly above her, ultimately fixating on the one in the middle. It’s the most recent picture out of all of them, but probably the most important. It’s a simple picture, just the two of them standing next to each other on Heejin’s birthday, but it means so much.

Face still in her hands, Hyunjin laughs a little at the way Heejin’s face is smeared with cake, amused by the memory of her dragging her finger through the frosting and covering the birthday girl with it.

She remembers when she had asked Heejin what she wished for as she blew out her candles, Heejin admitted that she wished that they could spend all her future birthdays together. Hyunjin remembers the fluttering in her chest, how she pushed away those unknown feelings to tease Heejin about how overly sentimental she was being.

That’s why I’m doing this, Hyunjin thinks, answering her own question. Because of those feelings that I couldn’t admit yet. Because I also want to spend all her birthdays together. Because of her.

Filled with a new resolve to finish the letter, Hyunjin starts to write again. Unlike her previous attempts, she doesn’t stop to question herself. She scribbles down each and every thought until her hand hurts.

The letter ends up being a bit of a mess, more of a jumble of thoughts than a coherent confession, but it gets its point across. More importantly, it has everything Hyunjin wants to say to her.

Finally satisfied, Hyunjin sets her pen down and leans back in her chair.

All that’s left to do is to give it to her.

She makes a promise to herself to give it to Heejin the next time she sees her, not wanting to give herself time to back out.

In the corner of her eye, Hyunjin can see darkness outside her window. She must have been writing for hours, the bright afternoon had turned into the late evening without her even realising it.

On Hyunjin’s desk, her phone lights up and buzzes. Glancing at its lit-up screen, Hyunjin watches as Heejin’s contact name pops up three times with various texts following it.

[heejin pabo ♡: Hyunjinnie~]

[heejin pabo ♡: Look out your window]

[heejin pabo ♡: Hurry up its cold out here]

Hyunjin’s eyes widen in surprise. Right now? She didn’t expect to have to confess so immediately.

She scrambles to her window and pokes her head out, seeing Heejin’s standing outside. Still dressed in their uniform, Heejin’s hands are situated above her head as she waves like a madman.

Well, no wonder she’s cold, Hyunjin thinks, she doesn’t have a jacket on.

“Yah! What are you doing?” Hyunjin calls out to her.

“I needed to see you!” Heejin shouts back in explanation. “We need to talk!” Heejin walks towards the tree on Hyunjin’s front lawn, rolling up her sleeves as if preparing to climb it to get to Hyunjin’s window. She reaches out to grab a branch until Hyunjin shouts again.

“What the hell?” Hyunjin exclaims. What kind of romcom does Heejin think we’re living in? That tree doesn’t even reach my window. “Come through the front door like a normal person!”

“Oh, right!” Heejin takes her foot off of the base of the tree. “That’s probably a better idea!”

Pulling her head back into the warmth of her room, Hyunjin closes her curtains and exits her room. She rushes down the stairs to answer the door, her mother catching a glimpse of her as she comes down. “Oh, there you are, sweetie! I’ve been calling you for dinner--”

The doorbell rings.

“I’ll answer it. It’s just Heejin,” Hyunjin says, “we’re going to talk... I hope.”

“Well, is she staying for dinner?” her mother asks, “Your father and I miss having her around.”

“I dunno. Depends on how well this talk goes, I guess.”

Worst case scenario, Heejin reads the letter, hates her for feeling that way, storms out and never talks to her again. In that particular scenario, the answer would be no, Heejin probably wouldn’t want to stay for dinner.

The doorbell rings again. And again. And again.

“Alright! Alright! I’m coming, just shut up!” Hyunjin shouts out.

“I’ll set another place at the table, just in case.” Her mother eyes the door and smiles at Heejin, who’s waving at her through the glass. She waves back before heading to their dining room.

Hyunjin goes up to the door, takes in a deep breath, and opens it.

“I missed you,” Heejin says. “I know we were only apart for like, three days, but I really missed you.”

After Hyunjin had dragged her upstairs, Heejin had plopped down on Hyunjin’s bed as she’d done dozens of times before. She closed her eyes as soon as her head hit Hyunjin’s pillow, smiling a little to herself.

Hyunjin chose to sit at her desk, wanting to be right next to the letter so she could hand it to the other girl as quickly as possible.

Hyunjin’s hand shakes slightly as she grabs the letter.

“Heejin, I-” she starts, holding it in her hands.

“No, I need to say this. Can you let me talk first?”

Hyunjin falters a little, eyes focused on the girl laying on her bed. “...sure.”

“I started missing you even before we stopped talking to each other,” Heejin admits. “The second you walked away from me after we kissed, everything changed.” Her eyes flutter open and their gazes connect. “I felt so ing lonely, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin opens to reply but finds that she has nothing to say.

“It was like I lost my best friend,” Heejin continues. “Those kisses were amazing but… they’re not worth our friendship.”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin says, setting the letter back down on her desk. Friendship, Hyunjin realises, is all Heejin wants from her. “I agree.”

“Everything changed because of that stupid kiss and I- I don’t want anything to change between us.” Heejin sits up, so their eyes are at the same level. “I can’t stand the thought of not being your friend anymore.”

Getting up from her chair, Hyunjin sits next to Heejin, leaving the letter behind her. Ignoring the stab in her chest at the bitter way Heejin talked about their kiss, she starts to speak.

“Nothing has to change,” she assures Heejin. “We can forget all about that night and move on.” Apparently, Heejin already did move on, a small part of Hyunjin’s brain reminds her, she kissed someone else, remember?  “Just pretend it never happened.”

Heejin nods. Wordlessly, Heejin pulls her into the tightest hug they’ve ever shared. Hyunjin’s heart skips a little in her chest and she curses herself for it. “I’m just so afraid I’ll lose this,” Heejin says, her words muffled against the fabric of Hyunjin’s shirt. “I’m so afraid I’ll lose you.”

Hyunjin returns the embrace, wrapping her arms around the other girl. “Heejin,” Hyunjin says, “you could never lose me.” She shuts her eyes tight and presses a comforting kiss into Heejin’s hair. In her head, she decides that this type of kiss (a completely platonic one) is all that they’re ever going to share. No matter how much she wants the other girl.

This is what Heejin needs. She doesn’t need someone who walks away and leaves her all alone in the dark. She doesn’t need someone that takes hours just to figure out the correct words to write. She doesn’t need Hyunjin to love her like that. She needs a friend. By loving her, Hyunjin had been selfish.

Still holding on, Hyunjin decides to forget.

Her heart feels as heavy as lead in her chest but she knows she made the right choice. After all, she promised to do anything to make Heejin happy. And that kiss? All it did was tear them apart and make both of them miserable.

“Pinky promise?” Heejin asks.

Hyunjin breaks away from the hug and links her pinky with Heejin’s. “Pinky promise.”

I promise, Hyunjin thinks, I’ll do anything to make you happy. And if that means that I have to forget how I feel about you, I’ll do it.

Heejin breaks into a grin and practically jumps into Hyunjin for another hug. Hyunjin forces herself to smile as well.