Despite their closeness, Hyunjin hasn’t actually known Heejin for very long. Call Hyunjin naive, but she had expected to be with Heejin for a long time, enough time to learn her insecurities and doubts, the little things that made her smile, every insignificant detail there was to know about her.

So the thought that Heejin might be taken away from her is daunting. And by next Sunday, an audition that might just do that very thing will happen. It’s no secret that trainee life is hard and time-consuming. No doubt, Heejin would have no time to keep coming back to their small town from Seoul, especially since Heejin (unlike Haseul, who’s lived here her entire life) doesn’t have anything that would make her want to come back.

Hyunjin might never get the chance to plan that road trip they had always talked about. Hyunjin might never get to walk her home again. Hyunjin might never get to tell her how she feels. Hyunjin might never-

She stares down at the letter, the very same one she’s been carrying around for a week, the entire time filled with her debating handing it over to the girl it was written for. Hyunjin’s practically memorised every word by now, having read and reread the contents over and over until her eyes grew sore. 

After hearing the news of Haseul and Heejin’s imminent audition, Hyunjin had excused herself to the bathroom, where (luckily) she found herself alone. She had looked vacantly at herself in the dirtied mirror and tried to recollect her thoughts, eventually grabbing the letter from her backpack to deliberate some more.

Hyunjin grips the sides of the sink, her knuckles whitening, eyes never leaving the paper below her. A drop falls onto the page, staining the inked words, and Hyunjin is quick to wipe the eye it fell from, wiping and wiping it with her sleeve until her eyes turned red and the tears slowed. 

She laughed bitterly to herself as her eyes meet her least favourite part of the letter, the words she had written not too long ago now sounding naive and just plain stupid. 

“I love you,” Hyunjin reads mockingly, her words sharp and judging as she shakes her head. 

“Stupid letter,” she spits out, grabbing it in her shaking hands. “Stupid Hyunjin. Why are you so ing-” Her hands meet at the top edge of the page, grasping it tightly. With a jerk, she rips it fully in half, the tearing sound filling her with an odd sensation of satisfaction and guilt. Gritting her teeth, she goes to tear it again but before she gets a chance, the bathroom door swings open.

“Whoa,” Sooyoung exclaims, her eyes wide with shock. She’s clearly surprised to see Hyunjin like this, to see Hyunjin's eyes rubbed red from raging tears, Hyunjin's shoulders and hands shaking. “What the are you doing?” Sooyoung’s gaze flitters to the pieces of paper in her hands, no doubt being able to read the large lettering of Heejin’s name across it even in its torn state.

“I-” Hyunjin’s eyes dart to the ground. “This letter’s worthless. I was throwing it in the trash where it belongs.”

Before she can crumple it in her hands, Sooyoung stops her with a question that pierces her heart.

“Don’t you think Heejin deserves to know?”

“Look, it’s not really any of your business,” Hyunjin bites out, her words turning cold and angry. She’s always hated feeling vulnerable in front of other people, not wanting to seem weak, so she instinctively goes on the defensive. “Just go away.”

“It is my business,” Sooyoung presses, taking small steps towards the younger girl. “Heejin’s my friend and you’re- you’re hurting her.” A pause befalls them and Hyunjin takes the time to sniffle, “, you’re my friend, Hyun. You have to give this to her. For both of your sakes.”

“It won’t do anything, it- my feelings don’t matter.”

“I can’t stand this,” Sooyoung bursts out, “how can you even say that?”

“She’s leaving,” Hyunjin says, her voice suddenly quiet, “and she doesn’t like me back so--”

“Are you kidding me? How can you not tell? She’s so ing in love with you.”

“Uh, no she isn’t,” Hyunjin scoffs, denying the words right as they come out of Sooyoung’s mouth. “Why would she? My feelings- they’ve only ever hurt her. I’ve only ever hurt her. This-” she gestures to the torn pieces of paper “-this is how I make sure I never hurt her again.”

“Look, I don’t know why. But I do know the way you look at her. I know that she looks at you the same way. You’re the only one hurting yourself at this point, pretending you’re okay.”

“I’m fine with hurting myself," Hyunjin says, truthfully, "if it’s for her.”

“But you’re hurting her!” Sooyoung shouts. Hyunjin’s never seen her so angry before, the crazed look in her eye intimidating the younger girl into silence. “Every time you ignore your feelings because you think it’s what’ll make everything okay again. Every time you pull away and try to just be friends. Every time you try to convince yourself you’re not in love. You’re hurting her and you know that!“

Hyunjin tries to interrupt, but Sooyoung just continues with her rant. 

“Every time you’re selfish enough to give in and kiss her, you’re destroying everything. You can’t just use her without admitting you’re something more than friends, Sooyoung!”

Sooyoung’s not even looking at her direction anymore, her eyebrows furrowed as she tries to calm herself down.

“...What are you talking about?” Hyunjin asks, confused by Sooyoung's outburst.

“Huh?” 

“You called me Sooyoung. And I’ve only ever kissed Heejin once. Wha-”

“I- ignore that. It- that part wasn’t really about you.” Sooyoung sighs, her shoulders descending as the tension left her body. The intensity in her eyes stays, however, making her next command all the more chilling. “Give her the damn letter.”

“But-”

“Look,” Sooyoung interrupts yet again, “don’t you think she deserves to know? Even if she doesn’t feel the same?”

“I… I guess.”

“Don’t up like I did, alright?” Sooyoung rests her hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder and gives her a slight push towards the door. “Now go tell her.”

Maybe loving her is something Hyunjin just can’t control. Surely, it is just an inevitable outcome of being so close to such a perfect angel.

After all, the human brain can’t help to be attracted to beautiful things. And out of all the beauty that exists in the world, Hyunjin is sure that Heejin is the most beautiful thing she has ever set her eyes upon, especially when she sings. 

Hyunjin fondly remembers the first talent show after Heejin moved in. 
She remembers watching Heejin’s confidence grow as the audience started clapping along, remembers feeling so incomparably proud as the people standing in front of her started asking questions of who the girl on stage was. She remembers wrapping her into a hug backstage, muttering words of congratulations and praise, before letting her go so Heejin’s other friends and her parents could hug her too. 

But Hyunjin prefers when she sings for her and her alone. 
She prefers when they’re listening to the radio in her room, making up silly lyrics for the songs they don’t know, when Heejin’s lilting voice is intermingled with giggles and jokes and comfort. She prefers pretending to be asleep as Heejin tousles her hair, humming a sweet lullaby that she thinks Hyunjin cannot hear. She prefers the beautiful Heejin that only she can see, the one she has all to herself, with no audience to share her with.

Just like right now. 

Hyunjin marvels at the way Heejin sings with her eyes closed, with so much passion, it’s so beautiful to watch so she simply sits there and does just that.

Heejin’s practising the song she wants to sing for the audition, but Hyunjin only half-listens, not wanting to enjoy the song which will no doubt take Heejin away from her. 

“Sound good?” Heejin asks, an unsure half smile replacing the usual confidence Hyunjin’s come to expect. Heejin’s been uncharacteristically nervous about the performance, dragging Hyunjin along to the choir room every day so she could practice in front of her. 

“Always,” Hyunjin answers. 

It’s Sunday now, the day of the dreaded audition. Thankfully, the head of the music department allowed Heejin to practice here even on the weekend. A quick glance at the nearby clock tells Hyunjin that she has maybe twenty minutes until Heejin has to head down to the train station.

Before Heejin can start to play the opening chords of the song, Hyunjin can’t help but voice her fear. “Hey,” Hyunjin says, making Heejin look up at her, “we’ll probably spend less time together after this, huh?”

The smile falls off of Heejin’s face for a fraction of a second, before she plasters on an even wider one. “You say that like I've already been accepted,” Heejin jokes. “I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about. I can’t get this note right… and it’s the first time I’ll be playing an original song. They’ll probably decline me as soon as I walk in.”

“Of course you’ll be accepted,” Hyunjin assures her. “You’re so talented - they’d be dumb to let you go.”

Hyunjin almost hopes that she’s wrong, that Heejin will come home crying, that everything will go back to how it is after a couple pints of ice cream and Heejin’s favourite movie. She knows it’s selfish to think that way - this is Heejin’s dream after all - so she forces herself to put on a smile. 

“You’ll do great. I believe in you.”

The song runs through again and Hyunjin finds herself lost in the sweet melodies that Heejin skillfully interlaces with the chords she plays. Hyunjin closes her eyes and breathes in, wondering if this will be the last time she’ll get Heejin to perform just for her.

Heejin’s phone buzzes in the middle of the song, texts from Haseul telling her to come to the train station now. They pack up their things quickly and wordlessly, the silence only interrupted when Heejin catches a glimpse of a familiar letter in Hyunjin’s backpack.

“I don’t know if all your stationery just has my name written on it,” Heejin jokes as she pushes in the last chair, “but if that’s for me, I think I should get to read it.”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin agrees. “A lot of people have been telling me that recently.” Haseul had berated her for not handing her the letter as soon as Heejin came over, but eventually respected Hyunjin's choice not to disrupt their friendship. Sooyoung had ruined her plan to throw it away for good, pushing her to tell Heejin. For some reason, their friends couldn't mind their own business.

“So… what is it?”

“It’s… something I’ve been hiding from you for a while and that wasn’t right. I-” Hyunjin takes the letter that she had hastily taped back together. “I think you should have this.” Hyunjin’s heart’s beating so loudly she can almost feel it fluttering against her ribcage, can almost hear the blood coursing into her reddening ears.