“Abeoji”, I said seeing my father enter my hospital room. Mr. Lee, his secretary already informed me yesterday that he’ll be coming here and visit me but I didn’t expect he’ll be here this early.

“I would like to talk to my daughter privately”, he said with his voice still full of authority and power which never fail me to make me tremble and feel tense ever since I was a child.

Opposite to what the public probably thinks about me being born in one of the wealthiest and known family, my childhood had never been the happiest and the most amazing one. It had always been filled with pressure and fear of failing.

While most children spend their time on the playground, playing with their favourite toys and having fun with their friends, I spent mine mostly locked up in my room with books, classical instruments and brushes being thought by different tutors.

‘I have to be perfect’,

‘I should excel in everything’,

‘I must always be at the top’, were the words I engraved in my mind because of my father and the public’s expectations about me. I studied and practiced hard in everything I do, winning every competition I entered, getting the highest scores in every exams and being the top student in our school not just because I wanted him to be proud of me but because I was afraid of the consequences of failing.

I remember how I got second place once in a math competition, being the hardest subject for me. I got slapped and punished not to eat anything until I finish a hundred mathematical questions.

It was hard, it was really hard but I was able to bear everything because I don’t want to make my mom, my friends and the people I love worried about me. Instead I want to make them smile, laugh and happy whenever they are with me. So I always pushed all the negative feelings at the very back of my mind and fill everyone with cheerfulness and positivity to the point that I forgot that I am broken too.

I filled everyone with all the love and care that I could give but I forgot to leave some for myself. I was so busy protecting everyones smile and laughter that I too forgot to protect mine. I forgot that I also get tired too.

Just like everyone else I too thought I was strong, optimistic and invincible that even I never expected that I’ll ever try to commit suicide.

Chungha uunie looked at me worriedly as she’s probab