Author's note-

I finished this chapter 70% more than ten days ago but work interrupted my final 30% and you had no idea how hard it was for me to get back to mood after a day's stressful work. I even entered back into mini-slump and got a writer's block. This chapter is also one of the hardest to write.

But your comments and votes keep me going and make me rememeber my conviction to finish the story as a gratitude to the readers who wait for my updates  diligently. Please continue commetings and voting my story. They give me energy and you have no idea how much they mean to me ಥ_ಥ. Thank you so much and I will try my best to update faster ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

I listened to Selene Gomez's 'The Heart Wants What It Wants" on repeat while writing this.

And guys, this is my take on

"Everybody wants to be special to someone."

________________

"Where did you go?"

"Nowhere of importance."

Seulgi just nodded and played along to Sunmi's reason without prying more. She decided it would be bad for her heart if she asked more, listened more or tried her best to understand Sunmi. 

It wasn't definitely fun for her, the way Sunmi made her participate in her little game. She made sure the latter knew when she gave her back to her when they slept together at the singer's hotel room. Of course, the older bribed her with kisses and unsaid apologies by constantly cuddling up to her and Seulgi relented. She was also emotionally drained to have another argument. And she didn't want the singer to wallow in her own guilt even it was her own doing. 

"I would really like it if you accompany to my photo-shoot and hang out with you the rest of the evening."

"If you want", Seulgi replied diplomatically, considering Sunmi would be going back the day after tomorrow and she didn't want to part ways on a bitter note.Seulgi felt the bed dip besides her, followed by a hand on her stomach, caressing it lightly. Another hand on her chin as Sunmi softly tiled her face upwards. Seulgi watched her as Sunmi counted her eyelashes, trying to search for the galaxies in her eyes that didn't exist. 

I can’t love you as much as you love me, sweetheart.

“Well, I’m happy that I get to spend time with you in New York. I’m glad I came.”

“I’m glad you did, too.”

Suelgi closed her eyes as Sunmi leaned in for a few more kisses. Once, twice or many more times, it didn't matter.Her phone went off again, the name "Do Not Call Her" lighting up the screen. It was the third time.

Sunmi gave her a look and she struggled for a verbal response, ending with just a shrug. There's no way to know your phone was going to be vibrating several times tonight in the midst of passion. It was also strange for her. Irene didn't usually call her at this time of the night and she was okay when they had a brief encounter at the school after that gathering at the bar. 

Sunmi was looking at her and Seulgi's mind was drowsy. She was exhausted from masking everything was okay, that her mind was fully in the flesh and heat of Sunmi. Sunmi was gorgeous. Sunmi was y. Sunmi deserved everything. 

"You still love her?"

"I don't." 

"You are really a bad liar when it comes to her."

“You’re very persistent,” Seulgi replied in a joking matter but it wasn't. Seulgi didn't want to indulge more in this topic, where they both knew the ending. Never conclusive answers.

“Only when it’s important,”Sunmi replied, completely serious. Seulgi swallowed, the attempt at humor dying on her lips.

"Unnie, for the last time-"

"You still love her."  It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

They didn't need to say it out loud to know the truth. Seulgi removed herself from Sunmi and sat up properly. 

"I don't know." That was also the truth. Seulgi didn't know anymore. If you want to run away from that person, does that count as love? 

"Will I ever have your love?"

"You will never get me whole."

Seulgi saw an immediate change in Sunmi's eyes. She was angry, sad and disappointed which she should be. But Seulgi already made sure from the start. Seulgi wasn't ready to offer what Sunmi wanted.

"Why can’t you get rid that image out of your head, Kang? It’s been years and you are still holding onto that image who’s not even real. The real one whom you imitated left you in pieces."

"You are the only one in my head whenever I'm with you, physically or not."

"It's not enough, Seulgi. I want more."

"Unnie..."

"Don't I make you happy?"

"You make me so happy but you don’t deserve this mess."

Sunmi deserve someone who wakes up with the thought of her in the morning and she's the last thing someone sees before closing eyes at night. 

Seulgi felt like it was time. 

"Unnie, I love you that's why I can't give what you want.It's not enoug-"

SLAP

Seulgi closed her eyes and tried not to wince at the sudden sting that followed. It was expected, letting her hear the words she yearned from at the worst moment. Sunmi turned over, lying on her side with her back facing Seulgi, curling into a ball of silence. 

It was the end.

The end of their unlabeled relationship. 

The ending that Seulgi dreamed and dreaded at the same time. 

She lied down next to her, wrapped an arm around Sunmi's waist to pull her tight against her. Roses.

Roses that always reminded that beauty has thorns. Life has thorns and you cannot get greedy.

“You deserve someone whose heart solely committed to you as you are. You give me every part of your heart when you love and you deserve the same, Unnie.” 

Sunmi started crying in earnest, letting out all the emotions and sadness she had been holding back whenever she's with Seulgi, out of her fright that the younger would escape her clutches. Seulgi held her closer, covering her body warmly, and closed her eyes. “I do love you,” she whispered, tears clouding her eyes but she held it in, "But not enough."

"You are such a selfish ." Sunmi hoarsely whispered, yet still clutching tightly at Seulgi's arms that's holding her from behind, so warm yet so cold at the same time.

"You can hate me all you want."

"I will hate you tomorrow. But now, you're mine."

There was an ache in her chest but Seulgi ignored it. She felt better, she felt worse. Seulgi hugged the person who gave her the world like it was the last thing she would do on earth. If there was just two of them in the world, Seulgi would keep her safe in her arms forever. 

"I wish I can get a refund from all the love I have wasted on you."

“I’m sorry,” Seulgi said again and this time Sunmi heard her loud and clear, her lips so close to her ear. Normally she would have turned around to kiss those lips senseless, but she didn't have the strength to move. It triggered something inside, a dam should be broken, but the tears had dried up and no more would come out.

Sunmi also felt her cheeks tightened a bit with the dried tears. She had imagined this very moment before, for numerous times, finding herself in tears, clutching her chest in pain and calling out her name to choose her instead. 

That to make her feel alive forever in this cold, cold world for two lonely and miserable people.

At least Seulgi loved her still.

Should she be grateful with just that?

It was such a cold and chilly night under the warm embrace.


 

____


Wendy looked up from the book she's reading at the wee hours of the morning at the noise. It was her usual routine, spending her time in the book if she couldn't sleep. The door was getting unlocked and Seulgi appeared, sluggish, eyes hollow and pale. 

"Hey, what happened?"

"You should be in bed."

"I thought you will be spending your night with Sunmi-unnie."

"..." Seulgi lost her strength at the name and immediately sat down on the floor, barely able to look up. The realization hit like a ton of bricks and she felt her unshed tears starting to flow down like a broken dam. 

"Seulgi, you okay?" Her cousin's voice sounded alarmed as she heard footsteps getting near to her. Her eyes were too blurry to figure it out. 

"I ended it."

"Huh?"

"It's over."  And I can't take it back.

"Seul..."

"We both knew it wasn't working out. But I had to be the one leaving."

The silence was almost unbearable, Wendy didn't say anything to her as she sat down besides her. Seulgi smiled through her tears as she continued,

"For real this time."



_____



Seulgi didn't need to look at the person who intruded her bedroom. She still continued to glance up at the ceiling, lost in her own thoughts. In another world today, Seulgi was supposed to take an Uber with Sunmi, enjoying the ride to the airport as she played with the singer's hand, talking everything that didn't matter and empty words that seemed to mean everything.


"You should go."

"..."

"She hates me."

"Will you be okay with not saying goodbye?"

"I don't know, Wannie."

"Let it all go and see what your mind tells you. Then you will know if you regret it or not."









Seulgi shook the manager's hands in thanks as she waited for Sunmi to complete her check-in at the airport. Despite the heartbreak Seulgi had caused, Sunmi never failed to dress like a queen and face the world like a champion. 

That part she would always miss. 

Sunmi turned around and froze at the sight of her. Without seeing her eyes, Seulgi knew the singer was angry seeing her, deservingly so. Still, she braved a smile and waved at her from a far. 

This was about Sunmi, not her. 

"What do you want? Sill not enough crushing me to pieces?"

She expected the harsh treatment but it wasn't any better facing it for real. She choked in sadness as she retained her composure. At least she finally tasted the wrath of Lee Sunmi and it had to be this way. But even at this moment, Sunmi's voice came out tight and forced.

Seulgi just smiled sadly. 

"Forget me if you can."

Don't think about us. Don't look back. Don't write about us. 

Sunmi's hard expression faltered at the words. She let out a defeated breath as she removed her sunglasses, showing her worn out face and the swollen eyes barely hidden by the concealer. It seemed they both didn't have a decent sleep for the past couple of days.

"How can I forget you when you only gave me unforgettable experiences, the good and the bad?"

Forget our memories. Forget us.

"You were a good teacher." Seulgi croaked as she tried to smile. She didn't need any more reason to beat around the bush who was her firsts in many things. "When I had no one, you accepted me and showed me how it was like to be loved."

"No regrets."    You were my close-to-everything.

"No regrets." Sunmi cradled Seulgi's face in her hands, the latter sighed as she held the hands back. They were in the middle of the crowded JFK Airport. Anyone could see, Sunmi's fellow singers, her manager, her stylist, her fans and others. But it didn't matter.Seulgi decided to let it be. Over and over again, they both used each other. All their time together hidden from the world. Sunmi suddenly threw her arms over Seulgi and held her close, sniffling Seulgi's scent for the very last time. She kissed her neck as she whispered, "You were a good lesson."

"I love you." Seulgi hoped Sunmi believed her sincere words. And, Seulgi knew the weight of the words. She always found it hard to utter those. She wondered if Sunmi knew.

Sunmi just smiled sadly in response. She squeezed her hug for a couple seconds before letting go. Her hands still playing with Seulgi's hairs, combing it gently.

"Just not enough." Sunmi repeated the words Seulgi told her during their final night together, where all cards were laid open and their hearts laid bare.

Just not enough to stop sleeping with several other nameless people to dull her aching heart. 

Just not enough to risk everything for them. 

Just not enough to forget Irene Bae Joohyun out of her mind and heart. 

Just not enough for the sole commitment Sunmi had always yearned for. 

"You don't deserve me with my ed up mess." Seulgi explained. Seulgi knew Sunmi wouldn't be able to handle it. The older had her own mess to deal with. Seulgi would just be an added burden. 

"You're still a beautiful mess."

"I'll miss you."

"Don't come crying to me when she breaks your heart again."

"I never did."

"You just needed to have the last word, huh?"

"You know me so well."

"I hope you can give her a hard time." Seulgi snorted at the singer's not so subtle dig. If she were to confess, Seulgi felt relived to be not hearing about those insinuated stuffs anymore. 

Because Lee Sunmi's remarks never hold anything back.

"She's just a friend, Unnie. That's all she will ever be." Seulgi looked up at Sunmi, meeting her eyes directly. She hoped it conveyed her exhaustion when it came to a certain woman. 

"Unfortunately, that's not for you to decide."

Sunmi's smile was sad. And Seulgi didn't know what to say or do. The singer leaned back a bit and looked around before dragging her to a handicapped toilet and locked the door immediately.

(DO NOT USE HANDICAP TOIELTS, GUYS ರ_ರ THIS AUTHOR IS STUPID)

"Unnie-"

Seulgi felt Sunmi's hands going around her neck, pulling her close and kissed her like it was the end of the world. Like there was just two of them while everything else was burning.

It was hot. It was passionate. It was heartbreaking. It was bittersweet. 

She felt like her story was Sunmi was finallycoming to a close. No open endings like the last time. They both leaned back for a much needed oxygen, Seulgi couldn't help but lift her hand to hold Sunmi's cheek, rubbing it softly. 

"When you decide to love someone, Kang Seulgi..." Sunmi whispered softly, her hands still on Seulgi's shoulders, clenching them tightly. Seulgi could see glistening of her eyes and she reminded herself regretfully not to cry. "Please give your everything, not those halfassed efforts you gave me."

"I'm sorry."

"It's all or nothing. Even in your life, it's all in. Your halfway moves are so stupid and it will bite you back one day." Sunmi slowly her neck, her fingers movings along to Seulgi's face, tracing her eyes,her eyelashes and moved along to her lips, memorizing the patterns and bumps for the very last time.

"And love with no expectations."Sunmi croaked, her hands finally leaving Seulgi,"So that there will be no disappointment."

The sudden lack of warmth after the latter moved away was so cold and painful. But Seulgi toughened herself and let out her best smile with her eyes forming in crescents. Sunmi always deserved the best. 

Sunmi shouldn't remember her in tears. She needed to know Seulgi was going to be okay. Even she didn't deserve it, she was going to make it.

That's what Sunmi needed to remember only. 

Seulgi pulled her close again this time, for a kiss that held nothing. Not promises, not requests, not lust. Just pure old passion from her heart. For all the things that Lee Sunmi had given her.

Her first kiss. Her first time. Many of her firsts that she will always be reminded of.


"I love you."


"I love you,too."






______



Parting is always such a sweet sorrow. 

Seulgi realized the depth of the saying after she and Sunmi ended.She was feeling distant from everything, just miserable with her personal regrets. She just did her business via emails, short calls with her parents,body switching to autopilot communicating from the apartment to school not to miss out the attendance. 

She could sometimes see flashes of Irene but she couldn't differentiate whether it was a mirage or a real thing. But she always let out a friendly smile, a few waves and then set off to the opposite direction of where she was headed to. They hadn't interacted much. Seulgi wasn't sure how to go back to their normal pattern beyond social exchanges on text and Irene didn't seem to pry and she was grateful for that. 

She just didn't have the strength to talk to Irene properly when she could also see Sunmi in h