I first saw you in the school canteen during my freshman year in high school. Long pure black hair waving back and forth as you jogged through the hall. I’m pretty sure I wasn't the only one entranced by your beauty that time.

I only saw your side profile.

But man, it sure did took my breath away.

I never told anyone. About my interest in my fellow ladies over testosterones. How could I really? I didn't know my attraction was even legal, it was my hidden sin for many years. I didn't have courage to find out more, so I just let it lay low.

But I couldn't with you.

All I ever thought about was a side profile of you engrained in my mind throughout the day and many more days onwards.

Bae Joohyun 

Junior

I found out who you were after a trip to my home room teacher, got called for my usual antics. This time went a bit overboard. The fart bomb I threw aiming at my friend ended on the head teacher instead. 

I was praying to every god I knew at this rate. Suddenly, you entered the teachers’ office holding papers while I was kneeling on the floor, arms raised, listening to my teacher’s rambles.

You glanced at me sideways from time to time as you waited for whatever you came for. My list of deeds got revealed again as Mrs. Shin recited them like a mantra. I winced in shame. Usually, I wore them with pride. But you were nearby and I was already losing face even before we met properly.

I got a week detention and one hour kneel for three days.

But it was worth it.

I got your giggles and a direct smile that day. Totally worth it. 

I was probably in Heaven’s good graces that year.

I met you again, Bae Joohyun. Two weeks I enrolled into a foreign language class to attend after school, just to escape from my home. I skipped a few grades my age because of my familiarity with the language. My god, you were there when I entered the class and introduced myself.

And Hallelujah, I was seated next to you. 

You were wearing a purple blouse, hair tied into a pony tail and your ears prominent. You were simply beautiful and I literally couldn't breath properly. Whenever I inhaled, all I could smell was those damn lavenders and it was launching zoo in my stomach. 

“Hi, I’m Bae Joohyun.”

“H-hi, sunbaenim, I’m Kang Seulgi.”

You giggled again. 

“ You seem to be the complete opposite from the last time I saw you. It was you, wasn’t it?” you asked, “ At the teachers’ office?”

My red-face was the answer.

You tried to contain your laughter. 

“Well, Seulgi, welcome to the class.” you smiled and pulled out your hand, “Let’s be friends.”

My teeth were practically dry and my jaw got cramps afterwards. And by the way, I didn't let anything touch that particular hand for a couple of days. 

We grew closer, really really closer. We didn't share classes, we didn't have same timetable, you were on the third floor and I was on the first. We didn't talk much in school, did we? Thinking back, we only shared subtle glances and brief smiles for that first year.

I seriously hated that after school class. Teacher was boring, the lessons were stupid and the classroom was crowded. And I hate crowds. My only consolation was sitting besides you, sharing stories and learning more about you everyday.

I loved it when you played with my fingers when you were distracted. You once told me my hands were fascinating, the way they curved in certain angles at the joints. You would lean in so closely to me when you wanted to understand what the teacher said. And I would always bring that damn orange hoodie even in summer just because you loved wearing it in class.

And I would try to draw comical faces of the teacher as he preached in the class just like Moritaka drew chicken faces on Miho’s paper for her amusement when they were seated together in Bakumen. I lived for your giggles and your smiles. They were my vitamins and energy doses in the dark bleak world of mine.

We got scolded one time after we were found out when your giggles became a bit louder. I had to treat you sushi and ice cream just for you to talk to me again and appease your anger. Supposedly, it was the first time in many years that you got scolded by a teacher, Miss goody two shoes.

I realised I was in too deep with you when you told me about your crush from the school. I went numb, your flowery descriptions of the guy fell on deaf ears. I tried my best not to show my crestfallen self. I didn't recognise those sadness that rose from my pits of stomach and feeling that clog on my throat. 

I nodded along and faking my smile for you. Then some days later, you asked me to do the most hateful thing I ever did in my teenage life. 

Writing a confession letter to him for you.

You were always assertive and confident. You always knew what you wanted and you made sure you get it. I was different. I let my actions do the talking. I just let those sentiments swim around in my head and never let them flood out of my mind. I knew what kind of the disaster a simple slip could bring. 

I regretted sharing my poems and my writings with you. I even regretted drawing for you. 

You asked me to draw a few decorative waves and flowers on the pink paper and a small paragraph of describing what you felt about him. Park Bogum, that bastard was damn blessed. 

As much as I hated every second of doing it, I gave it my best. Because, you, my love, only deserves the best from the very start.

You started dating. 

You hugged me so tightly when we met as a thanks for getting a boyfriend.  You no longer played with my fingers. You didn't lean towards me anymore to see what the teacher said earlier. You stopped asking for my orange hoodie. Your focus were on that stupid phone, typing away the messages.

I let my tears fall at night, cursing the world for making me feel what I felt for you. 

At school, the dating of the school’s belle and the handsome sophomore genius was breaking news throughout the weeks that followed. 

Weeks of lack of proper contact between us made me stronger in resisting your charms. Do you still affect me? Of course, always. But I could pretend I wasn't. 

____

One day at late night, you called me. 

My friends and your clique had known each other by then, crossing paths by chance at a local festival. I got close to one of your friends as we shared a lot of interests. We had texted each other back and forth quite a lot by then. Lee Sunmi was her name.

I sketched a face portrait as a gift for her birthday when she requested. She took a liking to my sketches and asked me to draw one for her. Then she asked me to decorate the cover of her personal journal. 

She was a very nice sociable person with a sense of humour. She was also gorgeous and appeasing to the eyes, and I liked the attention that she gave me while you were gone. I was a er for skinships while I am not the one to initiate. 

So I decided to sketch her side profile on the cover surrounded by the Taurus Sign flowers garden consisting of roses, poppies and fox gloves. I had the channel to release all my sorrows. Colouring can be healing to oneself. It was one of my best works. 

She uploaded it on her SNS with a kiss emoji with my name besides it. 

Thank god I didn't have an account. Many either texted me or requested though my friends to do one for them. I did a few with zodiacs and name graffiti. Sunmi-unnie wanted hers to be special so I didn't do any profiles. Besides, it also takes time and I wasn't that generous to everybody. 

You called me that night and asked why I hadn't done a single cover drawing for you in a year and half that we have known each other. I didn't think you realised how much we have become distant in the past couple of months when you’re seeing him. 

I could only say sorry. 

You asked me to draw o