A/N: Quick note before this chapter actually starts, I used various song lyrics here so if the change in them seems off that is why

 

 

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“Renjun, why did you do that?”

 

I am tired of this place, I hope people change

 

“You could have killed yourself.”

 

I need time to replace what I gave away and my hopes they are high, I must keep them small

 

“Please stop this.”

 

Though I try to resist, I still want it all

 

He didn’t know how to stop himself, nor did he know how to control the emotions that coursed through his brain. Loving someone doesn’t have boundaries and making yourself stop is one of the hardest things to come to terms with. Trying to understand why he kept repeating the same cycle was useless for them because they do not have the same dream as him. His hopes lie in something that most people only see in fairytales and that is where he wishes they would stay. Controlling the heart is different from controlling the mind; one has the ability to be persuaded to change while the other is stubborn and blunt.

 

His friends have their endings and they live without doubt, while he wanders alone in a world that is cruel. The very best parts have been taken from him and yet he’s never changed the way he treats his friends or family. In his chest, that beating heart is wearing down as the disease fills his lungs until he feels like he’s drowning. Doctors fear the worst for him when he enters the hospital, his family wonders if he’ll ever be okay in the end, and he believes that he’s destined to walk this path alone. Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, and months turn into years that he will never be able to get back. He lives his life with little thought for his own sanity as he tries to care for everyone else.

 

“His heart is too weak, he has to stay here.”

 

As I pace back and forth all this time

 

“What happened?”

 

Cause I honestly believed in you

 

“Much of the connective tissue has been broken, which has misshaped his heart. Unfortunately, we cannot let him leave otherwise we run the risk of him dying.”

 

Holdin’ on the days drag on

 

“So… he won’t be leaving after this surgery?”

 

I should have known, I should have known

 

“Yes.”

 

Out of all his friends, only three stayed and waited in the hopes of him waking: Jeno, Jaemin, and Chenle. His condition wasn’t necessarily their fault; love can’t be controlled by anyone or anything, contrary to the popular belief. If was never the intention to hurt him, but their relationships with each other had changed immensely. Jeno is cautious of his friend, even during the small conversations they have because he doesn’t feel as though he did enough. Chenle regrets his actions from earlier that day; hoping that his lifelong friend will be strong enough in the end.

 

Jaemin, Na Jaemin, the one who has been watching the trio go down this path, feels everything and nothing at the same time. No words can describe the panicked expression in his eyes, nor can anyone explain why his body seems to be motionless. He’s heard each of them express how they’re dealing with the situation at hand and he’s wondered why none of them have talked further. It’s no mistake that none of them speak of the past because they can’t bare looking back at what happened. Those memories haunt Renjun, often causing him to wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.

 

“Boys? What are you doing here?”

 

I am worried, I feel anxiety because I can’t even approach you or talk to you

 

“We heard what happened and came here as fast as we could.”

 

Alone in the night I erase my thoughts a hundred times

 

“That’s very nice of you Jaemin, but we should let you know that he’s not going to be leaving here after the surgery.”
 

Don’t look back and leave

“What???”

 

Don’t find my again and just live on

 

“We’re sorry boys, but our son is in worse condition than we thought. His heart isn’t doing well so the doctors want to keep him here.”

 

Becuase I have no regrets from loving you

 

“So… Renjun is…”

 

So only take the good memories

 

“Oh no! Nothing like that Chenle dear, the doctors don’t want to risk sending him home with his heart in such a weak state.”

 

I can bare it in some way

 

“Is this our fault?”

 

I can stand it in some way

 

“Of course, it’s not your fault Jeno. None of you are to be blamed for his condition since it’s out of your control.”

 

You should be happy if you are like this, day by day it fades away

 

The trio knew that it wasn’t completely true; for Jeno and Chenle, they were the reason why Renjun found himself in the hospital. Two times in the span of two years he has been sent to have the surgery. It shouldn’t have surprised them that his heart was in such a weakened state and yet they found it quite shocking. Never once had any of them thought there would be a day where their best friend could die right before their eyes.

 

He shouldn’t have suffered from something so horrible; they thought it should have been them in this state and not him. Staring lifelessly at his body on the bed; chest rising and falling so slowly they could have sworn he was on his way to dying. The warmth and color of his skin were long gone as their eyes searched for something they could not see. It was a sickly sight in front of them: pale, almost grey colored skin and the dark circles showing their wrath after being hidden under layers of makeup. They wished they could have returned his feelings, but it was never supposed to happen.

 

“He tried so hard to make himself look healthy.”

 

“I didn’t realize he let himself go… Jeno, what did we do?”

 

“Without either of you knowing, Renjun gave you his heart. You had so much of him that when it came to the end he broke into pieces.”

 

“Jaemin, we feel bad enough for this. Please don’t make us feel worse.”

 

“That is never my intention Chenle. Besides, there’s something he told me once and I understand why he never brought up his own feelings. It can be a burden to people and Renjun is the type to make everyone else happy before he thinks of himself.”

 

“Are we that horrible?”

 

“I can’t say either of you are, but Jeno, you have to realize that he will always put us before himself.”

 

“I don’t understand Nana. Why would he do this?”

 

Jaemin stared at the boy in front of him, recalling the conversation he had with the other not too long ago. Everything that was said between them was to remain that way, but he could give an answer that was similar to Renjun’s confession. Without anyone else knowing, Jaemin had problems with feeling neglected and wishing the best for others. Before he transferred to this school he always figured that he needed to make others happy, so they wouldn’t be treated the same way he was. It is why he understands the way Renjun acts and why he knows the other will do everything in his power to give up his happiness for that of others.

 

“He doesn’t know any other way to live. The thing about Renjun is that thinks he’s a punching bag, so he doesn’t try to bring himself happiness when he realizes that it will never come. With each of you, he knew that he would never have your love and yet he wished so hard that he would be wrong. I know what that’s like; to want something so badly that you’ll hurt yourself in the hopes of it coming true later.”

 

“Jaemin…”

 

“You’re crying.”

 

Chenle wiped the cheek of the older boy with his sleeve; it suddenly clicked in his mind that Renjun and Jaemin were one in the same. He and Jeno realized those two spent a good portion of time together, but it didn’t quite occur to them that there was a deeper meaning behind it. When Jeno started to spend more time with a friend outside of school, Renjun went to Chenle to take his mind off things. Though, even Chenle was busy doing homework or had plans with Jisung which made the older feel like he was intruding.

 

This is how he and Jaemin became such close friends: one didn’t have anyone else to spend time with and the other wanted to keep his friend safe. At a certain point in time they became inseparable and when Chenle had found Renjun earlier that day, it was no mistake. He asked Jaemin where he could find the older boy and sure enough he was in the garden painting like usual. It would have been odd for Jaemin to not tell Renjun’s whereabouts and yet he knew that telling the younger would result in an unwanted conversation. He couldn’t lie though, and, in the end, it had been Jaemin who broke his friend: in the end it was his fault for causing this.

 

“I’m the reason why he won’t be leaving here today. He never wanted to tell you Lele and when you asked me where he was… I couldn’t lie to you because you would know that I was.”

 

“Don’t blame yourself Nana, you couldn’t have known Chenle would ask you.”

 

“Yet I still could have come up with a different answer, Jeno. Even if Chenle knew I was lying I still could have tried my best.”

 

“You have done your best and you still are. Think of it this way, Renjun was never alone because of you.”

 

“On a certain level I feel as though I made his condition worse.”

 

“Can we ask you something Jaemin?”

 

“Ask away.”

 

“Jeno and I… well… We’ve been wondering this for a while. Have you gone through the same thing as Renjun?”

 

“Hanahaki Disease? Oh god no. I understand what it’s like to think of yourself as a punching bag though. Life gives you so much that you start thinking you really are , so the next thing you know you’re covering up your lies. I used to put on so much makeup in the hopes of my dark circles not showing so people would think things were fine. Really, it was funny when people worried about me back then; I didn’t think there was much about me to be worried over or thought about.”

 

“Is that still the case now?”

 

He took a moment to think about the answer because in a way he thought his life was wonderful and that finding these guys was the best thing to happen to him. Then again, he also wondered if they really did care about him and if he needed to do more as a friend. In the case of Na Jaemin, he is mentally healthy and physically well which gives no cause for worry on any level.

 

“It comes and goes. After spending so much time with Renjun I feel happier and my outlook on life has improved. Coming to this school and becoming friends with you all has helped my mood greatly and for that I thank you. Right now, I’m a little more worried about our friend here.”

 

The boys kept an eye on Renjun until they were woken up by a nurse, telling them that visiting hours were over, and it was late at night. It wasn’t ideal to leave him alone, nor was it pleasing to know that he would be staying there until his heart was stable enough. As they came to the front of the hospital they did not go their separate ways, instead they decided it was best to stay together. The trio decided to stay at Jaemin’s place seeing as it was the closest to the hospital their friend lay motionless in.

 

Once they were all in bed, Jaemin turned off the lights in his room and the darkness settled around them. Soft breathing followed quickly for Jeno and Chenle while Jaemin stayed awake thinking about what to do next. He worried deeply for Renjun; praying that the next day he would be awake, so he could apologize for causing this mess. If he were to be honest, he could love the older boy as more than a friend. It was not out of the question for anyone who knows them to see Jaemin and Renjun dating each other. Turning that thought into reality is not easy in any sense of the word. For their own safety, it is best if neither of them loves anyone because of fragile hearts and devastated minds.

 

“Renjun, please be well tomorrow.”