“We need to talk.”

 

His figured loomed over the sitting boy who was busy painting the courtyard of the school. For weeks he’d been avoiding his friends, eventually someone was going to notice the shift in behavior. The only person he didn’t think would notice was Chenle and unfortunately, or fortunately, for Renjun the boy had found him first. He wasn’t a stranger to the way the older moved throughout his life and after seeing what happened with Jeno, he knew there was a problem.

 

“I don’t think we do.”

 

“Huang, please face me.”

 

Said male cringed at the use of his last name; setting his brush and palette down to face his young friend. He looked stunning to say the least and in Renjun’s case he wanted to say the least. The younger had dyed his hair blonde since the last time he saw him; Renjun had to take moment to let the color sink in, but in the end found that he loved it.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Tell me why you’re avoiding all of us, and more specifically me.”

 

“I’m not avoiding any of you.”

 

“You’re a terrible liar.”

 

Chenle bent down to Renjun’s level so he couldn’t avoid his gaze, which caused the older male to fidget in his seat. While he didn’t like avoiding his friends, he thought it was best because no one would get hurt other than him. He doesn’t enjoy seeing his friends upset and feels that they don’t need to worry about him since they have their own lives to worry over. The train of logic that he follows isn’t the best, he’s fully aware of how much this hurts the others, but he can’t help but push them away.

 

“So, tell me ge, did the disease come back?”

 

He remained silent and composed, at least that’s what he thought happened when the younger boy asked the question. Chenle watched Renjun’s eyes shift everywhere except right in front of him. What was going through the older boys’ mind was about twenty different answers he could give, none of which would work. Renjun knew Chenle, aside from Jeno and Jaemin, was the only person who could read him like an open book. That fact alone was enough to freak him out since nothing could be kept a secret with him.

 

“I think I hit the nail right on the head. Didn’t I?”

 

“And what if you did?”

 

“Then I’m guessing, just based off of your body language, it’s me.”

 

“What if it’s not you?”

 

Chenle sighed heavily; he knew he got the right answer, but he also knew that the older wasn’t going to give up that easily. In all their years together, the one thing that he never understood was why Renjun insisted on being so stubborn with people. He wouldn’t let others worry about him; on occasion he even told his parents not to worry. That conversation didn’t go over well with the Huangs, they are the only ones who can worry about their son freely.

 

“If it’s not me then that’s a lie. I know you like the back of my hand Renjun.”

 

“Then you know I’ll get the surgery”

 

“You what?!?!”

 

Again, Renjun cringed and this time from the loud dolphin like screech that blasted into his ears. The reaction he got from his friend truly wasn’t what he was expecting, in fact he thought the other would have encouraged him to get it. This Chenle was very different from the usual Chenle; the one who’s always smiling and cracking jokes.

 

“I’m getting the surgery, in fact, it’s schedule for tomorrow.”

 

“Then shouldn’t you be in the hospital?”

 

“I would be, if I was in worse condition. My parents told me they wouldn’t allow me to go so long this time.”

 

“I agree with them honestly. You shouldn’t put yourself in such danger. What am I gonna do if I lose you?”

 

“You won’t lose me Lele, that’s impossible.”

 

“I mean…”

 

“Ya, stop that.”

 

Renjun lightly smacked the boy in the shoulder with a laugh, he much preferred to see his friend smiling and enjoying his life. There were times where being happy wasn’t an option but, in this case, it was preferred to remain happy. Chenle is Renjun’s source of happiness being a friend; he can make his day better with something as small as drawing a flower on the corner of his homework.

 

“Sorry, I’m just not sure how I feel about you getting it.”

 

“Why is that?”

 

“I don’t want you to keep suffering; I want you to be happy and carefree.”

 

“I am happy.”

 

“No, you’re really not. I want to help you, but…”

 

“It’s fine, I know you have your eyes set on someone else. Jisung is a cute one, don’t you dare hurt him.”

 

“How… but… I…”

 

“Believe it or not Lele, but I still know what’s going on with all of you even if you don’t know what’s going on with me. I have my ways of getting around.”

 

That was by far the most shocking news of the day for the young boy; he thought the older had no idea of what was going on. Ever since Renjun had gone into hiding, Chenle found himself feeling lonely. Most of the time Jisung was free to hangout so of course he never said no to the older boy. The spent many days together, especially when Renjun was first taken into the hospital. It was on such short notice that Chenle couldn’t process the events quickly enough until two days after the surgery took place. That day, Jisung saw his friend cry harder than he ever had.

 

“I’m sorry Injunnie…”

 

“Why are you saying sorry? You’ve done nothing wrong.”

 

“I have though, on a certain level anyway. I want you to not suffer from this anymore, but I don’t…”

 

“Lele, don’t turn into Jeno. You two have other people you love and that’s perfectly fine. I don’t blame either of you as it’s just my bad luck.”

 

“What if it is our fault? What if it isn’t just your so called bad luck? You’re a very lovable person Injun, I just don’t know why I don’t love you that way… I don’t know why Jeno didn’t either.”

 

Those words were enough to send the older reeling but tried to remain calm so that Chenle wouldn’t start to freak out. Surprisingly, this time, not one petal came out of his body as they talked. It seemed that Renjun had accepted the situation for what it was and didn’t expect anything in return.

 

“It’s fine Chenle, I really don’t have any problems with this. What happened to me is not your fault and even if it was, I care too much about you both to hold a grudge.”

 

“You’re too calm for your own good sometimes, Injunnie.”

 

“I don’t know if I’d say calm, but whatever floats your boat.”

 

“One day, you’ll find someone who will love you back. You’ll find someone who’ll hold you tight and never let go.”

 

“I know I will, it’ll just take time.”

 

Even if Renjun said he knew he would find someone, the likelihood of him meaning that was very low. What could Chenle do though? It’s not as though he has the right to keep poking his friend, they aren’t together in any way. Chenle stood up and made to leave the older to his painting but was stopped before turning away. Even though Renjun had his back towards him he needed to ask a question that he couldn’t get to leave his mind. He felt the eyes of the younger friend settle on him, waiting for what was to come next.

 

“Lele, I have a question.”

 

“Ask away.”

 

“I don’t see you coughing up flowers, so do you and Jisung feel the same way?”

 

“Honestly… I don’t fully know. Though if I haven’t been coughing it would seem that we have the same feelings but haven’t told each other yet.”

 

“Then do tell him.”

 

Renjun turned to face the younger male with one of the saddest smiles Chenle has ever seen in his life. He never knew how much his friend suffered until he saw that smile, drawn so loose across his lips. The person in front of him, it was not the boy he grew up with; there sat the image of a broken boy who had glued himself together. It was perfect; too perfect and Chenle knew that there had been many long nights for the older male.

 

“Please, tell Jisung. He’ll want to hear it and I’m sure he’ll reciprocate your feelings. I can see it in the way he looks at you when you’re not paying attention.”

 

“Wait a minute.”

 

“You’re so oblivious sometimes and I know I don’t need to tell you, but I feel like I have to, so you don’t miss your chances in life.”

 

“Renjun.”

 

“Go, have fun. I need to finish my painting before I go home.”

 

Renjun turned his back to Chenle, sincerely hoping that he would leave quickly before he started crying. It took everything in him to stay composed as he picked up the brush and palette, focusing back on his painting. From where he sat the colors looked sad now, the warmth and joy that had been in the scene was now gone. He didn’t want to keep working on the task at hand but felt the need to distract himself from the presence that was still behind him.

 

He glanced at the colors on his palette then back to the painting, thought for a moment then looked out at the court yard. The colors were still vibrant, the sun was just right and yet all he could think of was the impending surgery. Chenle didn’t move from his place, he simply watched the older boy keep glancing at his work and the paints. He knew that Renjun was lost for where to continue on his work; needing something to inspire him. What Chenle decided to do was probably the worst choice ever, but he wanted to let the other know that he wouldn’t be alone forever. He carefully moved closer to the older boy before wrapping his arms around his shoulders in a warm hug.

 

“I’m so sorry Renjun.”

 

Chenle placed a gentle kiss on his forehead, let go of his hold and ran away out of fear but also sorrow. Luckily for Renjun he was able to cry in that moment; the tears flowed down his face, but he remained silent as he continued to work on the painting in front of him. As he worked the tears began to pick up their pace and soon forced him to stop. The pain he had tried to keep in for so long came out in one blow and he realized that he just needed to sob.

 

Burying his head in his hands, Renjun cried as if his life depended on it. His whole body shook violently as he sat on the bench and soon enough he felt the cough rising in his chest. If it had been an option, he would have let himself die in that moment because he didn’t want to repeat this cycle anymore. It if had been an option he would have let himself bleed out after coughing up two rose bushes. If it had been an option, he wouldn’t have called his parents to get him to the hospital. Unfortunately, none of those were available options to him because he had a duty to his family.

 

He stopped throwing up thorns and coughing up flowers long enough to get his parents to answer the phone. His voice cut out when he started to explain and was hit with another round of rose thorns exiting his body. They understood what was happening to their son and hoped that they could get to him in time.

 

“Here I am again.”

 

Renjun lay on the dirt path a few feet away from his painting; the coughing continued but he at least stopped throwing up. His eyes scanned the image on the canvas and thought he would feel proud, but instead felt regret. There in the corner of the painting, sitting on a bench was the unfinished figures of him and Chenle. Only the faces were complete while the outlines of their bodies had yet to be finished. He realized that they would never be finished and that this painting would be thrown away. The memories that fill the once white space carry too much weight to remain there.

 

He took on last look at the sky above in and was met with a brilliant light blue with a few cotton candy clouds. It was amazing really, to know how he could see such beauty in the world but find none within himself. That is the reason Renjun is an artist: he can find something special in everything and everyone. It helps him escape from the hatred he feels towards himself on most days.

 

“Grandmother, if you’re really there, what have you done to me?”