A/N: Time skip because I want to end this story well and so you guys don’t have to keep waiting for my ty anymore.

When the end of summer arrived, the boys found themselves feeling happy and somewhat uncomfortable. Nothing had changed drastically between them after that night, but it was clear that something was different. They weren’t as comfortable being close and their conversations had a sense of panic. During the weekly movie night with Mark and Jeno the air between them felt stiff; there was no flow to their movements. If Jaemin came close to touching his friend, he would instantly stop short of making contact and keep his gaze focused elsewhere.

The change in attitudes came as a shock to him but he couldn’t be too upset. In the end, they are friends and he shouldn’t want anything more than that. However; when it comes to the heart and mind there is only one that can be persuaded to change. Renjun’s heart could not beat normally around the ginger haired boy. His mind battled with his desires; the ones he had shoved so far down he thought they were gone for good. When Jaemin started to physically distance himself, it became hard for the older to deal with change.

On way to their dorm the car ride was horrifically quiet: they had no idea what to say. Jaemin wanted to continue to apologize about that night while deep down Renjun was perfectly fine with it. He wished they wouldn’t be so quiet and distant and he caught himself day dreaming about what life would be like if he just accepted his own feelings. The image he formed in his mind had gone from deep greys and pitch black to colorful and bright. He could picture them together happily; enjoying every moment of life and leaving doubts behind. However; at the end of his image, he found the thing he had been dreading and expecting: Death. In the end Death is always present and Renjun knows this all too well. It is the reason why he refused to let himself feel any bliss with someone.

“Injun-ah, we’re here.”

“Oh.”

“Do you have the key?”

“Yeah, it’s in my bag.”

The two entered their new dorm and were greeted with screams, loud music and other noises that were . Cringing as they made their way down the hall and up the stairs, Renjun noticed a few people staring at him. It isn’t uncommon for him to get looks from others, most people know that he isn’t straight, and it doesn’t bother them. These stares however; they weren’t just the causal glance at someone walking by. When the two reached the top of the stairs Renjun stopped in his tracts and leaned against the wall. He didn’t like the growing pit in his stomach; whether it was from fear or something else, he had no idea.

“Injun, are you okay?”

“Yeah yeah… just a few guys looking at me weirdly.”

“Weird how?”

“It’s nothing Nana, I’m fine.”

“Weird how?”

“They seemed to be eye ing me… it felt weird and gross…”

“What the Hell. Who was it?”

“It’s not a big deal Jaemin.”

“Yes, it is. You’re more than a good-looking guy.”

“Please let it go. Some of the jocks are s, you know that.”

Jaemin’s chest rose and fell heavily as he sighed; he didn’t like it when the older was ogled by people. From what he knew, they only saw him for his body and the fact that Renjun was often put into situations that were rather dangerous made his blood boil. Many times, people would try to get him alone to have some fun and let loose. He would never be able to get a word out as he was pulled away from the crowd and into a backroom. No one ever got close enough to touching him inappropriately for Jaemin was always two steps ahead of the game.

“Even if we both know that, they don’t get the right to eye you. Next time it happens tell me. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

“Okay.”

He smiled slightly as he unlocked the door to their room. Nothing had changed during the time they had been gone. Their beds were still made, the curtains were drawn and there in the corner stood Renjun’s easel with his finished landscape from last semester. Jaemin the lamp next to his bed then flopped onto the mattress. While the drive wasn’t difficult, it was still a long way from the house back to campus and it had made him extremely tired.

“I’m gonna take a nap. If you need anything, just hit me with a pillow.”

Renjun rolled his eyes as Jaemin flashed him that award winning smile before turning to face the wall. The room became quiet, possibly a little too quiet, for the older boy and decided to get back into drawing. It had been three months since he last touched any art tools and his hands were just dying to grip a pencil or brush.

He quietly moved around the room, so as not to disturb the other, grabbing his sketch pad and pencils that had been tucked under his mattress. Renjun had many sketch pads and the majority of which he kept in his desk. This one however; wasn’t like the others he kept. Out of the ten that he owns, only one is dedicated to personal matters and that is the one he keeps under his mattress. Not even his friends know of this sketch book but over the years he’s kept drawings of them with little notes.

The first page he opened the book too had a drawing of Chenle from their Junior year of high school. He was smiling so wide that it seemed his face would break in two, but nevertheless it was nice to see it again. Only fond memories were brought to mind in that moment for Renjun as he stared at the details. After months of not looking at this book he had forgotten how much effort he would put into his drawings. In college he took on more painting classes thus his pencil had been put down.

On the next page he found it had a quick sketch of Mark, himself, Jeno, Haechan, Chenle, Jisung and Jaemin. They had gone down to the river that day before they graduated to spend time together before they parted ways. He’d colored their clothing with light blues, yellows and other pastels. Those were the days that were simple: a time where they could all forget that growing up was just around the corner. During the tougher periods of college, Renjun would find himself day dreaming about the summers he and his friends would spend together. He would remember the many sleepovers he and Jeno had and how, on occasion, they would get in trouble for being a little too loud.

It was time to start a new page of the journal: the pages that would fill him with bliss and pain. He turned to the next page which had been left blank and wrote in words that only he could read. The words Na Jaemin written in cursive with bold black ink decorated the stark white of the paper. Renjun looked at the characters that lay before him. He wasn’t sure how to process all his emotions, but one thing was clear: he didn’t just want to be friends with Jaemin.

Setting the pen aside he reached for the HB pencil, examining before determining that it needed to be sharpened. After the pencil had been dealt with, Renjun glanced around the room in slight panic and worry. Drawing Jaemin was what he wanted to do, but if the younger boy were to wake up and find him staring then things might go from somewhat awkward to highly awkward. The boy was never known for being a heavy sleeper and often times if Renjun got up to use the bathroom he would wake up. It wasn’t anyone’s fault for that happening, Jaemin has been that way since he was a child.

‘If he wakes up, I can just lie.’ He settled himself on his bed; crossing his legs as he faced the sleeping boy a few feet away from him. Jaemin had fallen asleep hugging one of the various plushies that he had acquired over the years. In his arms lay a white fluffy hippo with a green scarf wrapped around its neck: the Moomin plushie that Renjun had bought for his birthday. The sight before him sped up his heart rate and brought a blush to his cheeks, he had to admit that no matter what Jaemin would always make him the happiest.