Last night left me in a great mood. The show went well, Jihoon loved the performance, I got to eat good food cooked by Mingyu, and I learned something new from Minghao. Who Jun is as a person has gotten me curious, there are so many side that he shows. Which parts are him and which are an act? I feel like I’m getting a hint of that… that maybe I’m actually getting closer to him. Today was just a chill day. I worked a mid shift at the diner today so my morning was dedicated to studying. At work I was greeted by a smiling Seungkwan, Minah, and Jisoo but anyone could tell they had major bags under their eyes, I was probably the same. Work breezed by and I went home to take a shower. After my shower and fixing myself something to eat, I got dressed in a plain black hoodie with ripped skinny jeans and laced up my sneakers to head over to the studio.

“Good job on the showcase! Even though the showcase is over, class is still class. You guys get a break today but I expect you to be ready to dance in class tomorrow, those who are caught slacking off will get punished. Now let's enjoy the food!” Jiyong-subae said, as though it was his congratulatory speech.

      We all laughed and applauded him before digging in. Today rather than dancing, we threw a small celebration as a class. It was just pizza and cola but, maybe because it’s after a performance well done, it tasted better than normal. Getting hyped from the atmosphere, I went to go socialize with the few dancers who befriended me over the past month and complimenting the other dancers’ performances. At some point Jiyong called us over, offering us a deal we couldn’t refuse.

“I hope you guys will continue to work with us, it’s a big help. I know I can’t pay you guys but rather than pay how about I let you four join the class for free? You guys seem like you really enjoyed dancing out there.”

“Deal. Why didn’t you offer this from the beginning? We would have happily accepted,” Su-min replied.

“Well the last few helpers weren’t interested, especially the last one.”

“Who would reject a great offer so readily?” Seohee asked.

“My friends apparently. The last one that was completely against it was your sunbae, Taesun.”

“Taesun? Dancing? Oh that is a sight I want to see,” Minah laughed.

“You didn’t hear this from me but he is pretty decent. I’m thankful that at least one of my friends aren’t born with two left feet.”

      After that he let us go back to the party and we settled down to chill with Chan’s group. As we were hanging with the boys, Seohee suggested to take a group picture. When grouping together, somehow I gravitated towards Jun, standing in front between him and Minghao. The girls egged me on and I ended up scoring a partner photo with Jun. Once his back was turn the girls made teasing gestures to me which I dismissed with a wave of my hand. While we were chatting excitedly within our group members, a few excited squeals cut through the air. Turning to see what was going on I was able to catch a few girls glomp another girl in a hug. Taking a closer look, it was the girl Seohee bumped into last night. The class was in an uproar as everyone was surrounding her and talking with her so excitedly, but I was able to hear his whisper cut through all the other voices.

“Nayoung… ”

      Looking at Jun, his intense gaze was trained on her. What was this weird feeling? Jun seems… different. Why is an unpleasant feeling turning in my stomach? Did I eat too much? Looking at the boys to see if they knew what was up, there obviously was as they nudged one another and motioned to Jun, playful smirks on their faces. Why did that look look familiar? Once the crowd dispersed around the girl, I assume is Naoyung, Jun rose from his seat and went to talk to her. He was talking so animatedly with her, it’s different when he’s talking to me or the boys. At that moment I felt something break inside me that I didn’t even know existed. That bad feeling I had earlier grew bigger alongside the feeling that I really didn’t know as much about Jun as I thought. He made facial expressions that were foreign to me and his eyes lit up like I’ve never seen before. But what hurt the most was that he smiled a smile I didn’t know, at a girl that I’ve never heard of…

      A defeated sigh escaped my lips as realization dawned on me, my lie wasn’t really a lie. I had the biggest crush on Jun and I didn’t even realize it, but with that came the realization that I fell for a guy who is already head over heels for someone else. Minghao’s voice pulled me from my thoughts and I faltered to put the smile back on my face.

“There he goes again.”

“Who’s that? I’ve never seen her at the studio before,” Su-min asked.

“That’s Ko Nayoung. You guys probably haven’t seen her because she sprained her ankle a week or two before you came,” Chan explained.

      The happy mood that took me over just a few moments before was now drained away and I couldn’t seems to pull myself together. Using the excuse of using the restroom, I went to one of the smaller dance rooms to cool my head. Sitting in front of the mirror, my reflection only showed the mess I became. I wanted to lie to myself and say I didn’t like him or that he didn’t like this Nayoung, but there was no use in hiding the truth. I could tell from the boys’ teasing smiles that he liked her, it’s the same one the girls give me. My feelings on the other hand… why did they have to exist? Why couldn’t I just stayed an ice princess?... Why does it hurt this much?

      When I got back to the dance room, I was thankful for the girls because they made an excuse so we could all leave since they caught on to my distraught. Once in the cab all eyes were on me and all I could do without crying, was give them a weak smile. Su-min and Seohee, who were beside me, pulled me into a hug and my tears finally fell. Once we arrived at my apartment, the girls invited themselves over as they pulled me to the living room.

“Hyemi…”

“I’m an idiot.”

“No you aren-” Seohee started but I cut her off.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I just told you guys he was my crush so you would stop bugging me. I was faking it… or at least I thought I was but after seeing him with Nayoung I realize that it was real…”

“Okay maybe you are kind of an idiot,” Minah teased and I couldn’t help but smile.

“What she is trying to say is that we knew you liked him, apparently even before you did,” Su-min explained.

“Oh my god. We knew you were whipped for him but we didn't think you would be this dense about it,” Seohee added.

“Okay I get it, can we stop talking about it now? I just want to forget about it for now and have a movie marathon.”

“Okay.”

      I decided on Disney movies and the first on the list was The Little Mermaid. Grabbing the snacks from my pantry and settling ourselves with blankets and pillows on the couch, the movie began. By the second movie, which was Cinderella, the girls were out like a light. I grabbed the blankets and draped them over all the girls before going to the kitchen for a glass of water. After drinking about half I leaned onto the counter and stared at my glass as I swirled the water around. How many times did she get to see that smile? I shook that thought from my head. What did I expect? It’s impossible for Cinderella to be in the spotlight when the clock strikes 12 before she even enters the ball. I gently place the glass on the counter with a sigh before going back to the living room. I switched off the TV and returned to my place on the floor and joined the girls in dreamland.

      Waking up seemed easier today than I thought, mostly because Seohee kicked me in her sleep. I had to force myself to get up, wake everyone else, and get ready for Professor Kim’s class. In class though, my mind was far from the monotonous lecture he was giving. My thoughts were filled with Jun and how I wished I never realized my feelings, being able to live in blissful ignorance once again. The world wasn’t nice though and now my mind was trying to figure out how to mentally prepare myself for dance class. Would I be able to act normal? Can I make it through class knowing I’ll have to see him interact with Nayoung? Just focus on dancing, that’s why you joined this class anyways. Love was never on your mind before so just go back to how things were.

      After solidifying that mindset for the rest of the day, it was finally time to see if it would work. Walking into class with the girls, we placed our dance bags in a corner and greeted the few friends we had made just as Jiyong-sunbae came in. He introduced us as incoming students and gave the basic “Let’s all get along” statement  before we went into warm ups. Going through class was easier than I thought since my whole focus was taken by dancing and following Jiyong’s lead. Thankfully class went by relatively okay, aside from having to watch Jun’s stare constantly lingering on Nayoung. Once class was nearly over Jiyong announced that after midterm season we would be working on another showcase, so keep possible groups and partners in mind. Once class was dismissed, and we were just talking with the boys, oddly enough Nayoung came to talk to us.

“Hi, I’m Ko Nayoung. I just wanted to properly introduce myself since I missed you guys coming because of my ankle,” she smiled brightly.

“I’m Song Hyemi, it's nice to meet you too,” I returned the smile.

      We exchanged a handshake and the other girls introduce themselves as well. She chatted with us for a bit and I hated it more and more. She’s not a bad person, she’s actually really nice. The lovestruck girl inside me wanted there something to be wrong with her so I could hate her but there really wasn’t, and I couldn’t bring myself to hate her on the sole reason of Jun likes her. On the way home, as the girls were talking, my stare lingered on my phone that now has Nayoung’s number on it. She wanted to be “good friends” with us, so she put her number in our phones but it left a weird feeling. There was no malice but at the same time I don’t want to be friends with her and I couldn’t figure out why.

“Are you that bothered by Nayoung?” Su-min asked.

“I… I don’t really know honestly. I have no reason to hate her and she’s really nice but I don’t want to get close to her… I don’t know. Is it normal to have such double sided feelings?”

“That’s normal, you can say it’s part of being a girl,” Minah laughed, slinging her arm over my shoulder.

“Look at how fast she’s growing,” Su-min teased.

“Ugh, can we not do this today?”

      Midterm season was getting quite brutal with having to juggle, work, studying, and dancing so thankfully my mind didn’t have time to ponder my one-sided feelings. The girls also seemed to have left me to my own devices to deal with it, thinking it was best for me to decide my own feelings. Although they did reassure me that they are willing to give advice if asked. My brain felt like it was going to explode with all this studying but I couldn’t help it. If I was left to my thoughts they would just find their way to Jun and that was the last thing I needed. I tried to think of what groups or pairs that I wanted to work with but the answer continued to be Jun, Jun and the others, etc. so it was back to studying for me. Feeling my mind slowly edging to potentially melting from being overused, I was thankful when my phone’s text tone rang through the room. A smile spread across my face, bless you Seungkwan.