A month. It’s been a month since I left and there has been an overwhelming feeling of emptiness ever since. Part of it was leaving the class, no more late night adventures and laughs… but since then I haven’t seen Jun aside from once. Reason two for the empty feeling. Well that and the fact that when I did see Jun again while hanging out with everyone, he was avoiding me. But that was only the tip of the iceberg, when I went to hug everyone goodbye he flinched back for a second before awkwardly returning the hug. The girls immediately pulled damage control once we left the boys. That night where we were finally able to talk again must have just been a fluke… Since then I’ve made every excuse to not hang out with the boys, spare Seungkwan, Wonwoo and Mingyu because the former wouldn’t take no for an answer and the other two live below me and would know when I’m lying. I’m just glad the end of the year came by so fast because I was able to distract myself with the impending tests and projects. Although there were times where I get lost in my head… like this.

     After rereading the line for the fifth time and still not catching a single thing it said, I decided to close my text book. Laying my head down on my desk, I chastised myself for letting my mind relish in all the pain all over again. A loud knocking came from my front door and I willed myself to get up and answer it although I wasn’t in the mood for visitors at the moment. I frowned at the boy standing in front of me. Seungkwan was one of my best friends but he was the last person I wanted to see because these encounters always end with me being dragged out of the house.

“Seungkwan please not today.”

“Wow you don’t even greet me? I haven’t even said anything yet.”

“Boo, you’ve been doing this for weeks already. It’s kind of hard not to catch on. I get it. Everyone is worried and wants me to go out more, trust me they’ve told me, I’ve just been busy with all my assignments. When the semester ends I’ll stop being a hermit so until then let me live boy.”

“First of all, ouch, and second I’m not here to drag you out today.”

“Then what’s up? You could’ve texted,” I responded, narrowing my eyes at the younger, not fully trusting his words.

“Please I wasn’t born yesterday, you would probably screen my texts for a couple of days before answering,” he rolled his eyes.

“...not wrong. Come in,” I stepped aside to let the younger in.

“You can be a hermit for the rest of the semester but you have to come out Saturday night at least.”

     I gave him a quizzical look from the kitchen. I racked my brain for why I would NEED to go out that day as I grabbed us some water. Other than project due dates and exam days, nothing important came to mind. What would be going on in June? I took a seat as I set our glasses on the coffee table. The minute I asked the question Seungkwan looked at me as though I was stupid.

“And is there a particular reason?”

“Did you forget? It’s Hoshi-hyung’s birthday party! Everyone discussed it last time we hung out. You didn’t listen did you?”

“Okay that was weeks ago and I was a bit preoccupied trying not to be awkward with a certain someone.”

“Well lucky you I came to remind you because hyung is looking forward to seeing you,” Seungkwan smiled.

“We aren’t that close so I don’t see why he would look forward to seeing me but I will say I have been neglecting all of you guys. Since you personally came to deliver the message, I’ll go.”

“Great cause whether you agreed or not the girls would’ve came over and dragged you out.”

“Ugh, you little devil,” I rolled my eyes with a smile as I nudged his shoulder.

“I’m just covering all my bases. The four of us know you’ve been avoiding most of the other guys.”

“Nope, not talking about that today. So are you staying for dinner or did you just come to deliver the message?” I asked lightly, brushing off the earlier topic.

“I mean what are you eating?”

“We can order out. Although if you don’t stay I’ll probably just eat what’s left over in the fridge.”

“Have you gone to the grocery store?”

“No not yet.”

“Okay then I’m staying then. If I left you you wouldn’t have eaten a proper meal. All you have left is give or take some kimchi and a few other side dishes.”

“How did you- Did you go through my fridge last time you were over?”

“Hey I was hungry.”

“You dork,” I rolled my eyes. 

     We went to the convenience store to grab snacks and drinks before ordering Seungkwan’s favorite, goguma pizza. We channel surfed for a bit while eating, and even though I was the one who didn’t want to talk about it, I just had to ask.

“You and the girls will cover for me at the party right Boo? If I end up running into him?”

     I know I was making this more dramatic than it probably would be but there is a 100% chance that Jun will be there and after everything I don’t know how to face him or what I’ll do.The younger stopped eating and turned to look at me, giving his full attention. His eyes held sympathy and a twinge of something else I couldn’t put my finger on.

“Hyemi, you know we only wants what’s best for you. Drowning yourself in school and not leaving you apartment isn’t healthy. We just want you to let loose, there will be a lot of people there so it’s a smaller chance that you’ll run into him but if you get uncomfortable we can leave after an hour okay?”

“... Okay.”

     Although my mind eased at the thought that it would be unlikely I would be running into Jun, there was a pang in my heart. Ugh stupid feelings! Can you not make me confused for once? We finished the night with a movie and in the blink of an eye it was already Saturday. I was not mentally prepared for any of this but here I was standing in a house crowded with people. I wore black distressed shorts with a maroon off-the-shoulder sweater and black booties. The first shot was taken, for a boost of liquid courage, and my hands were now holding the beer I would be needing in case I run into a conversation I don’t want to be part of. I stuck close with the girls as we tried to navigate the crowd in search of the birthday boy. We’ve ran into some of the other guys as we travelled around the house, stopping for casual conversation each time, until we finally landed in the living room in a conversation with Seungkwan and Chan. The conversation started to drift to talking about dance class so I started to tune out. Looking around, I finally took in the decor of the house. There were way too many streamers and balloons all over the walls and ceiling, some of the boys must have gotten too excited. As my eyes continued to scan the various decorations my eyes landed on the obvious giant banner hanging on the wall. Why didn’t I notice that before? My eyes zeroed in on the names - yes names not name - on the banner before I turned to glare at Seungkwan. He sheepishly grinned before making some half baked excuse to dip away before Chan left and I murdered him. I silently waited for the conversation to finish and Chan took his leave before I confronted the girls.

“And how long were you guys gonna go before telling me it was a joint birthday party for Soonyoung-sunbae and Jun-sunbae?”

“We didn’t want to spook you. Would you have gone if you knew Jun was one of the guests of honor?” Minah shot back.

“I get your point but now I feel even worse because I didn’t get either of them a gift. That also means that I will have to see him at least once at this party,” I sigh.

“You even being here is a gift seeing as though you’ve basically hidden yourself from social interaction for a few weeks and I thought the whole thing passed and you and Jun were cool for the most part,” Su-min replied. 

     Guilt poked at the back of my mind as I silently agreed with them. I never told them about what happened last time we all hung out together because it was embarrassing and added a whole new layer to the heartbreak. So to them everything was basically smoothed over since Jun still came to check on me after the showcase, the only person who knew was Seungkwan only because he happened to catch it as he turned from his conversation with Hansol.

“There you are Kwon! Happy Birthday!” Seohee called out as the boy caught sight of us.

     The rest of us wished him a happy birthday and commented on the party before Soonyoung started to retell something that happened with the boys before the party started. Halfway through the story I nudged Su-min and let her know I was going to find the bathroom. I weaseled through the crowd in search of the bathroom but not without pulling out my phone, and sending Seungkwan a threatening text to be prepared the next time I see him, as I went. With the amount of drinks I had it wasn’t the best to be looking down at my phone because the next thing I knew I had stumbled into someone and fell over with a hiss. The person, tipsier than me, didn’t even notice as their friend tried to drag them to the door. With a sigh I pocketed my phone and pulled myself from the ground and rubbing my left knee which broke my fall, definitely gonna bruise. As I pouted at the dull pain in my knee, I felt a gaze burn in the side of my head but before I could turn Minghao appeared.

“Hey I saw the crash. Are you good?”

“Yeah, I’m clumsy anyways so a bruised knee is nothing.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes Hao, but I really do need to find the bathroom so that would be much appreciated.”

“Okay I’ll lead you over so you don’t bump into anymore people,” he laughed.

     Minghao placed his hand on the small of my back as he escorted me into the right direction. As we walked away I turned to look at who has been burning holes into my head this whole time and instantly regretted it. It was Jun. There was something about him that seemed different but I quickly looked away before I could even place it, the embarrassment already starting to burn my cheeks. Minghao lead me to the bathroom before having to take his leave as he saw Mingyu stumbling by with his who knows what number drink in his hand. Taking an extra moment in the bathroom to collect myself, I headed out of the bathroom to find the girls. I wasn’t expecting to run into him so soon… nothing’s changed. The pang in my chest was numbed by the drinks that had burned down my throat earlier but in an instant the sweet numb feeling was ripped from my body as my eyes connected with Jun’s once again. I gave him a half smile and a small wave as I tried to weave my way around the crowd, and him. Thank god this music was loud because there is a ninety-nine percent chance that Jun is calling after me and that was proven correct when I felt the warmth of his hands wrap around my wrist. With a slight jerk from his side, I stumbled back into his chest.

“Hyemi.”

     Don’t call my name like that.

“Can we talk?”

     Don’t speak to me with that soft tone. 

“Please. I don’t want us to be like this anymore.”

“I can’t.”

     I should have agreed. There are things I wanted to ask him too but I wasn’t thinking straight. I was scared of what might come out of his mouth and I don’t know if I’m prepared for anymore pain when it comes to Jun. There was too much alcohol in my veins that rationality was drowning and all that’s left is a heartbroken girl in the arms of the boy she can’t have.

“Hyemi please -”

“I don’t want us to be like this either but until I get over my feelings for you that won’t happen and I just can’t get over you. Not after you rejected me, not after you flinched away from my hug, and not after we didn’t speak for almost a month. Please don’t make this harder for me than it already is,” I hissed.

     His grip tightened for a second before it lost its tension and his hand dropped. I stepped away from him and the frigid air between us was so much colder compared to the warm I felt radiating from him when I was in his arms… I shook the thought from my head as I turned back to look at him. There was so much guilt and pain in his eyes, even after he tried to give me a fake smile. This was not how the party was supposed to go.

“I’m sorry to be like this, at your birthday party no less,” I apologized, my head in my hand as I tried to collect my thoughts.

“No it’s fine. I didn’t mean to spring this on you like this so I hope I didn’t ruin your night. Have fun tonight okay?” He said giving me a tight lip smile before disappearing into the crowd.

     My eyes followed his fleeting figure, the heartbreak engraving itself deeper into my chest. Why am I always so selfish when it comes to him? Why do I always hurt him? No not now, I am supposed to be having fun right now… With a sigh I changed my target. Rather then look for the girls I sought to find Seungkwan, he started this so he’s going to finish it. I texted the girls that I wasn’t feeling well and that Seungkwan offered to take me home and although they were worried I reassured them that it was nothing a little sleep couldn’t solve and told them to enjoy the party. Reluctantly they agreed and in my hunt for Seungkwan I found him grabbing some of the food in the kitchen.

“Boo, you said one hour right? The hour is up so take me home.”

“Huh? Hyemi but the party just started and they haven’t even-”

“I promised you an hour and I stayed. I- I can’t do this here, please just take me home.

“Wait. Did you-”

“Yes Boo, I did. So please have my back on this and take me home.”

Without another word we left the house and he took me home.

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A/N: Oops. So I thought this was going to be the last chapter but well it turns out my brain didn't like that so next chapter should be the last chapter. For those patiently waiting, I'm sorry and thank you.