The past few days have just been hell.  We’ve been trying to act normal but it just wasn’t working. At this point we could only talk about the dance because any other topic felt forced and uncomfortable but even the dance took damage. The choreography had us facing each other a majority of the time but it makes it hard when we can’t even look each other in the eyes. We could have passed it off but once the bridge hit and we had to come together it was a mess. The notable space we wanted to be so evident in the beginning is very much present in the end, where it shouldn’t be. After twenty minutes of failed practice, we decided that we should call it quits early and go meet with our other groups. Sadly, for us, they were all in the same practice room so we walked together with awkward tension. On the way there we spotted Nayoung pacing the halls and my nosy self couldn’t help but ask her.

“Hey, what’s going on? Why do you look so worried?”

“Minho rolled his ankle yesterday and I forced him to go to the doctor. He just texted me that he sprained his ankle and the doctor has prohibited him from doing any strenuous activity for the next month. I still want to perform, as to not put our hard work to waste, but I haven’t found someone willing to help on such short notice.”

“Jun-sunbae would be happy to help.”

      The words fell from my lips faster than my brain could process what was coming out but the look of relief that washed over her features the moment I said that made my mouth keep running. At least he can perform with her like he originally wanted… before I butted in anyways.

“We were actually going to talk to Jiyong-sunbae anyways so we’ll tell him and afterwards he’s all yours.”

“Really?! You guys are truly amazing. Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

      With her happy squeal, she pulled us both in for a hug before running to claim a dance space. As her figure disappeared I could feel Jun’s gaze burn holes on my back and dared not turn around. Once she was out of earshot he spoke and there was definitely venom in his voice.

“Shouldn’t I get a say in what I do? What are you going to do if I pair up with Nayoung?”

“Yeah you do, but it’s better this way anyways and don’t worry about me. I’ll figure it out.”

“What do you mean by ‘better this way’?”

“Jun-sunbae let’s be honest here. After I confessed to you, practice has gotten nowhere and if anything we are getting worse. Yes, I’ll admit it was my fault with the timing of my confession but we are a duo. We are supposed to be moving as one, but at this point that won’t be happening anytime soon and we have two weeks,” I explained while turning to look at him. 

      Big mistake. His eyes held fire and his hands were balled into fists. Once our eyes locked it was as if I was trapped in his steadfast glare making me shrink, unable to turn away. He looked betrayed and there was so much pain behind his expression… This was the most pain I’ve felt since meeting him. If you thought confessing was my worst decision… you’re wrong. What have I done? 

“I’m not heartless. I’m not going to abandon you just because we’re in a weird place. Like you said, we still have two weeks and we’ll figure it out. This is our piece.” 

“You don’t have to spare my feelings. Technically speaking you would have paired with her if I didn’t get in your way. I know you like Nayoung, I’ve known since she came back,” I spat before begging, “... Please just let me be selfish once more and ask you to work with her...”

“How did you-”

“If you haven’t noticed, I stare at you as often as you stare at her… It wasn’t hard to connect the dots,” I stated softly, letting a bit of pain seep into my voice.

“... Is this what you want?”

      What I wanted? Not even close. What I wanted was to be able to do this piece together and to keep seeing your smile. To laugh and mess around… to have you turn to look my way for once rather than watching Nayoung’s fleeting figure… but we don’t always get what we want, do we?

“It’s what I think is best… ”

“Okay then. I’ll do it. You go ahead first, I’ll tell Jiyong-sunbae.”

      I weakly nodded before walking away. Rather than going to the practice room I made a beeline to the bathroom, glad that it was empty before locking the door. Looking at my reflection in the mirror just illuminated the damage done. My hair was a mess, my eyes were red as a few tears escaped me, the bags under my eyes were definitely noticeable, and my overall features seemed to have sunken in giving my face a particularly sickly look. My face looked like a wreck just like what I did to my relationship with Jun. Why do I always things up, especially when it has to do with him? My grip tightened on the counter as a glare settled on the reflection in front of me.

“Why are you being a baby about it? You knew what you were getting yourself into the moment you wanted to confess. Everything is the result of what you chose to do. What’s the point in regretting them after the fact? What’s done is done, get your act together and commit to your decisions.”

      After the short pep talk to myself, I wiped the stray tears and fixed myself before heading to the girls. As always their first priority was to catch up on any new developments in my mess of a life, which I reluctantly filled them in on, and I could feel the anger steaming off of them but Minah was the first to express it.

“Okay, I supported your wreckless choice to confess but what were you thinking?! No matter what went down that was messed up to do.”

“Minah’s right. Even if things were off you would have worked through it. That piece was practically your guys’ baby with the amount of time and effort you two put into it, and you just ripped it from him suddenly without warning. Hell, I would be pissed too. This truly was the dumbest thing you have ever done in the time I’ve known you,” Su-min added.

      I groaned and buried my face in my gym bag. I knew they wouldn’t take my side because my consciousness was telling me the same exact thing and I’m an idiot.

“The moment it left my mouth it was a mistake, I know, but what was I supposed to do? Relief instantly washed over her face when the words left my lips and I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was a mistake. Please just continue to beat me up. I deserve it,” I groaned.

“OMG Hyemi stop being dramatic,” Su-min rolled her eyes, although Minah did take the chance to throw a good punch at my arm.

“Anyways,” Seohee spoke up while petting my back, “at least you are aware that it was wrong. We all make mistakes… although some are kinda big but making it up to the person is a good start to fixing things.”

“That was both comforting and a slap in the face, thanks,” I said as I pulled myself from my mopey state.

“So do you have any idea where to find a new partner?” Minah asked.

“Maybe Minghao? He’s the closest guy friend I have, aside from Jun, that I could ask this favor from… no offense to Soonyoung-sunbae and Chan.”

      Minah seemed to tense up for a moment but only for a fleeting second. It disappeared before I could get a proper read on her… maybe I was imagining things. We finally got to practicing and for the moment I didn’t have to worry about anything but just as quick as it came, class was dismissed and I was back to cleaning up my stupid mess. I texted Hao to wait for me so we could talk and surely enough as the girls and I left our practice room I was greeted by Hao’s lean figure leaning on the wall, scrolling through his phone. The girls gave silent encouragement before leaving us alone.

“Hey sorry for asking you to stay back suddenly.”

“No worries what’s up?”

“Well… I was wondering if you could… kinda cover for Jun-sunbae in our piece?”

“What? What happened?”

“Nayoung needed a new partner because Minho got injured. One thing lead to another and now Jun-sunbae is helping her out.”

“I knew there was something he wasn’t telling me earlier. You know you’re dumb right?”

“Yes. I know. Could you stop being so perceptive? What gave it away?”

“I know Jun-hyung and I know he’s stubborn so he wouldn’t be the one to let go of this piece, even if it was for his crush,” he shrugs.

“Yeah…”

“Okay, what else? Something was wrong before this, he hasn’t been completely himself for a few days now. He won’t tell me about it either. Seeing as you’re acting weird too, you know something.”

“I mayhaps confessed to Jun that I liked him… a few days ago…”

      Retelling my heartbreak was not something I wanted to announce to everyone but an exception had to be made for Minghao, his face screamed the concern he felt towards Jun’s off behavior. Plus there was something in me that felt the need to take responsibility for causing an unrelated person to worry. It actually kind of surprised me that Minghao was left in the dark, I would think best friends told each other everything… or maybe it was just girls. The thing is, rather than the shocked expression I was expecting his face softened and he placed a gentle hand on my shoulder before speaking.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah… I already prepared to be rejected. Remember? You guys told us he liked Nayoung awhile ago. How did you know because obviously you aren’t shocked.”

“Minah may have let it slip when we were working on our solos one day.”

“Aish that girl. No wonder she looked tense earlier,” I rolled my eyes before asking, “do the other boys know?”

“I think just Jeonghan-hyung and Seungkwan. Mingyu has a hint but I don’t know if he put it together yet.”

“I expected Jeonghan-sunbae to figure it out and I told Seungkwan… I’m glad that my feelings weren’t that obvious but anyways,” I shook my head to bring me back to my initial point, “partners?”

“Sure, we’ll say I’m paying you back for helping out Soonyoung-hyung.”

“Thanks,” I smiled.

      As we walked out we discussed meeting up and how practicing would work. Once we were outside I gave Hao a hug just as I heard his voice call out to the former. I tensed for a moment before pushing away, saying a quick bye and leaving. God, why did I do that?! I’m not a criminal, so why did I run away? Just because I heard Jun’s voice… did I make things even more awkward? Although I don’t know how much more awkward things could get after the stunt I pulled earlier with Nayoung.