My eyes opened to stare at my dark ceiling and a groan left my lips when I checked the clock, 5 am. There was no chance to get more sleep now, I was thoroughly awake so I got up to go brush my teeth. As I did that I checked my phone and saw a cute message of encouragement and a good night from Jun, that will probably be the best part of my day today. I took my time eating breakfast and getting ready, a sluggish feeling already setting in. On our way to school I informed the girls of yesterday’s events which left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. They couldn’t even tease me about the late night phone call with Jun because of my now impending departure from the class. The girls wanted to protest but I had to remind them of the last time my mother thought I was relapsing into my bad behavior and nearly took me out of my first year of college because of it. I also asked them to keep this a secret from everyone, not wanting to have to explain or have any sorrowful goodbyes after the show. They agreed but not wanting to simmer in the somber mood anymore, Seohee proclaimed that she would throw me the best farewell party and as she described all these crazy eccentric ideas we all couldn’t help but laugh. Class was a drag and work was more tiring than usual. Once I finished work though I was left to my own devices. The midnight class was still cancelled since Jiyoung was still out of town, Su-min was grinding with her group to finish a project, and Seohee and Minah were closing at their jobs. At this point Jun’s text really was the highlight of my day as I found myself rereading it again as I sat in a bar stool at one of my favorite bars that I often visit with the girls. Because we came here every so often, the bartender recognized me and gave me my usual glass of beer.

“Long day?”

“You don’t even know the half of it,” I sigh.

      The bartender gave me a sympathetic look as I took the first sip of my beer. I was just about to finish my first as I ordered my second and I heard a familiar voice come from behind me.

“Make that two.”

“Nayoung? Fancy meeting you here,” I joked trying hard to put up a smile.

“It’s quite lucky. None of my friends wanted to go for drinks and I thought I was gonna have to be a solo today,” she smiled.

“Well lucky us.”

“Are the others girls not with you? You guys are always together, I thought you were inseparable,” she laughed.

“They’re all busy, so here I am,” I shrug.

“So what brings you to a bar on this lovely night, alone?”

“A lot has been going on lately and I really needed a drink after some stuff happened recently… Sorry for being so vague. It’s nothing personal just-”

“I get it Hyemi. Personal business that you don’t want to get into, totally understandable. If you don’t want to talk about it, would you hear my problems out instead?”

“I’m all ears.”

      We went through quite a few drinks as Nayoung complained about how her teacher was honestly out to get her. She continually gets called out, harsher grading and other dumb stuff. I agreed with her and comforted her, both of us cursing the teacher and giggling together. I was definitely tipsy and maybe even borderline drunk after my third beer and second shot of soju so I excused myself to the restroom to “sober up.” Nayoung offered to take me since she was the sober one of us two, she was still nursing her third, but I refused. I would be quick and the bar was nearly empty so I would be back in a flash. It took no longer than seven minutes in the bathroom and I definitely felt more sane after that. As I was making my way back to the bar, a group of three guys caught my eye as they were swarming around Nayoung.

“Hey there beautiful. You alone?”

“How about you come and drink with us?”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

      She awkwardly laughed and her eyes frantically searched the room. Once her eyes landed on me, the panic in them made me immediately pick up my pace and step between her and the men.

“She does so you can leave,” I spat.

“Well he doesn't have to know.”

“Oh then how about you gorgeous?”

“You both can join us how about that?”

      They began to close into our personal space and that on top of my overall bad night the day before set me over the edge. Mix that with the alcohol I drank and any proper judgement can be thrown out the window along side my sense of danger. My face curled into one of disgust and the words began to spill from my mouth.

“Look, we aren’t interested and honestly speaking you guys reek of desperation. If you want to try and hit on girls why not try somewhere else.”

“Oh looks like we have a fiesty one here. I like it,” the man in the middle spoke.

      He gave a disgustingly sweet smile that made my stomach turn in disgust. He seemed like the “big dog” of the group as the other two hovered a step behind him as he took the lead. The man moved closer to me and I took a step back closer to Nayoung, but still in front of her protectively. The other two continued to urge us to join them and we continued to refuse, Nayoung more politely than she should and me telling them to just buzz off. The main guy attempted to grab my arm but I flicked him off. The air around him became more tense as his facial features began to darken and he strained his voice to continue to sound “pleasant.”

“You know darling, I’m getting tired of this game of hard to get. Why not take this offer and we can have some fun.”

“Over. My. Dead. Body,” I growled.

      Before anyone could react, my fingers were wrapped around a beer glass and the contents were thrown all over the man. The moment his rage filled eyes landed on me, I realized I made the wrong move. He stumbled closer and shoved me into the table behind me. Nayoung let out a terrified squeal as I groaned in pain on impact and for a moment everyone was frozen in place, even the man’s friends were stunned by his violent behavior. Pulling myself from the floor, my hand immediately went to cradle my lower back. That will definitely leave a bruise in the morning.

“Listen here you little-” the man growled, the collar of my shirt balled in his fist.

      At that moment a hand rested on his shoulder and tensed. The man winced in pain and loosened his grip on my shirt, allowing me to stumble away from him.

“You’ve created quite the scene. I think it’s best if you three find your way out, you're scaring every girl in this bar,” the owner of the hand spoke.

      I could recognize that voice in a heartbeat, it was Jun. He wasn’t alone either because Wonwoo appeared from behind him, glaring daggers at the two other men, and Seungkwan rushed to my side. The main guy roughly brushed Jun’s hand off his shoulder and scanned the room. He realized that all eyes were on us and the scene he was causing. In embarrassment he called out how it was Jun’s “lucky day” and “the next time he sees him he better be prepared” before storming out. His two friends scurried after him with their heads down and it was as if it never happened, everyone just went back to what they were doing. Wonwoo excused himself saying that he would apologize to the owner for us. Seungkwan on the other hand was fussing over me, but my eyes were trained on Jun. Without a second thought he went over to Nayoung to check to see if she was okay, and it hurt. I know with the given situation I shouldn’t be getting so upset over such a small thing but I couldn’t help it, I blame the alcohol. My mind knew I needed to escape before I started to overthink and throw myself down a rabbit hole so I asked Seungkwan to take me home.

“Boo can you take me home?”

“Why? Did you get hurt? We'll go in a minute after Won-”

“Now please,” I snapped before softening my tone, “I'll explain but can we please go?”

      Knowing I don't snap often, he scanned my face in concern before nodding. Seungkwan texted Wonwoo a heads up that we would be leaving first before explaining to Jun that I wasn't feeling well because of the alcohol so he would take me home first. Nayoung encouraged this, knowing how much alcohol I consumed today, and told me to let her know when I got home safe. At that Jun offered to take Nayoung home and not wanting to hear the cliche cute drama squabble of him insisting on taking her home, I left. As Seungkwan and I walked I clung to his sweater sleeve to help keep my balance. Once we were a good distance away Seungkwan sighed as he tried to flag down a taxi.

“Aish, sometimes it's hard to believe that you're the older one. How much did you even drink to do whatever you did to piss that guy off? If we saw you a moment sooner you could have been in real trouble.”

“But I’m not, cause you guys came at the right moment. Don’t give yourself too much credit though Boo, it was all Won and Jun,” I slurred.

“Slurring and dropping honorifics? You definitely drank past your limit.”

      I didn’t argue because he was right, instead I leaned on him for support which he protested with a huff but let me do it anyways. Luckily we were able to catch a cab rather quickly and once he gave the driver my address Seungkwan turned to look at me.

“So you wanna tell me why you needed to leave as if your life depended on it?”

“... not really, you’ll think it’s a stupid reason.”

“Well it’s not the first time you’ve done something stupid so spill,” I rolled my eyes at his response.

“ … It’s cause I didn’t want to see Jun and Nayoung together… it hurt too much…”

“That’s why? Hyemi why would it hurt? It’s not like they like each other or-”

“But he likes her Boo,” I cut him off.

“Wait what?! How do you know? How do I not know?”

“I don‘t know, I heard it from Chan, Soon and Hao. I know it’s selfish given the situation but like you said, I don’t seem to be making good decisions tonight.”

“Oh Hyemi,” Seungkwan said as he pulled me into a hug. For a moment it confused me, until I felt the few tears that escaped my watering eyes cascade down my cheeks.

“I’m fine, I don’t know I’m being like this right now, I’ve known for a while so I should be okay now. Sorry for not telling you by the way, couldn’t find the right time. I’ll just have to get over him and everything will go back to normal, it’s not like feelings are a big deal right?”

      I rambled but I knew everything I said was a lie. It still hurts everytime I remind myself he has someone he likes and i’s not going to be eas getting over this. I’ve seen the girls go through it before and it’s gonna . Seungkwan knew it too, the look on his face said it all but he knows me well and he knew what I needed to hear.

“Yeah, easy and simple. You’ll be over him in no time.”

“... Thanks Boo.”

      The next morning I woke up sprawled across my bed with a headache but a clear recollection of last night’s events, at least my hangover isn’t as bad as I thought. As I moved to the kitchen I saw Seungkwan curled up on the couch so I brought out a blanket and draped it over him before making us both some food. While cooking my mind lingered on the events of last night. Maybe drunk me had a point.I can’t be around him without looking into all the little things and having to remind myself time and time again to knock it off cause it’s not going to happen. I need to figure out how to get over him so I can just stop hurting myself. A thought popped into my mind as I finished up cooking and I knew it was dumb but my brain told me it was genius.

“How are you still able to function properly while having a hangover?” I heard Seungkwan’s voice say from behind me.

“Pure will because if I don’t make hangover soup no one will,” I laughed.

      He took a seat as I set the table before we both dug in. We ate in silence as I was debating over ways to get over Jun while Seungkwan was still struggling to wake up. Halfway through the meal I thought it best to share what I finally decided to do and get his opinion on it.

“Seungkwan I’ve been thinking, I think I’m gonna confess to Jun-sunbae.” He nearly choked on his food.

“Hyemi did you think this through? Are you still drunk?” He said between coughs.

“I have. Confessing to him and getting rejected seems like the fastest way to get over him, what’s wrong with that?”

“A lot actually. What are you going to do if he gets awkward? What if he can’t face you anymore?”

“I myself can hardly face him at this point. It’s stupid I know but I don’t really have any other option here,” I snapped before calming down, “ I’m sorry for snapping. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

“It’s okay, I get it. As long as you don’t regret anything in the end do what you feel is right.”

      We finished eating in a more light conversation and I walked with Seungkwan to the bus stop. I apologized once more before he got on his bus and waited until my bus came around. I called the girls to meet me at a nearby cafe since class wasn’t until later and I told them the events of last night. They worriedly looked over me bombarding me with questions before I was scolded for being so reckless.

“There is also one more thing…” I added.

“What?” Sujin asked.

“I think… I’m going to confess to Jun…”

“WHAT?!” They shouted in unison.

“Geez, same reaction as Seungkwan. Let me explain,” I sigh, “It’s just getting harder to be around him without reading into things and making m hopes go up when I know there is isn’t anything other than friendly intentions. I’m reminded time and time again and it was the same thing last night too. In a heartbeat he was by her side and it hurt. I’m probably being ridiculous but I can’t help it. The more I’m around him the more I learn and the more I learn the more and more I fall for him. I thought that maybe if I confessed than something would change and I can start moving on.”

“That’s a reckless idea,” Su-min stated.

“And maybe she needs to do something reckless every now and then,” Minah countered.

“I know it’s reckless and that there are more cons than pros but it’s all I got. I tried to ignore it, didn’t work. Tried to just accept it, didn’t work. Tried to just keep it platonic, didn’t work. I need him to say something to snap me out of it and a rejection seems like a pretty solid something.”

“Hyemi, you’re so calm about getting your heart broken,” Seohee noted.

“Well it’s kinda been broken since I found out he had a crush on Nayoung so it’s like, how much more can it hurt right?”

“Actually it can still hurt. I won’t stop you though cause you have to learn from your experiences but make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into, okay?” Su-min warned.

“I will. Sorry for being such a mess and thank you for being there.”

“Awwww, look who’s getting soft,” Minah cooed whiled pulling in Seohee and I.

      I laughed and dragged Su-min into this awkward group hug around the table. They all gave me blessing and Minah even said she would have romcoms and junk food ready at her place afterwards which made us all laugh. So I’m actually going to go through with it… let’s hope it doesn’t turn into the worst case scenario.

      Jiyoung-sunbae was finally back, meaning class was back in session. At school, rather than listening, I planned that I would tell him before we switch off so at least it gives ups both a whole day to somewhat deal with the bomb I’m about to drop. My biggest concern is if this will affect our dance because no matter what I want to see it to the end, it’s special to me. Partly because we made it together and partly for it being the song that basically is a manifestation of my feelings for him but you know. Luckily dancing doesn’t take much thinking so throughout practice the nervous bundle that sat in the pit of my stomach was forgotten and it was just me, Jun and the music. After a half hour of laughter and practice both of us sat on the floor breathing heavily, him by his bag and me in the middle of the room. The song was on loop so as we rested the song played again my heart began to race. For a moment hesitation ate away at me, giving me a small tremble of nervousness I noticed as I slowly brought my arm to cover my eyes. Just four simple words… you can do this Hyemi!

“... I like you, Jun.”

      I held my breath, waiting to hear the words of rejection fall from his lips but instead I heard the music turn down. I sat up to look at him and he apologized, the music was too loud  and he didn’t hear me. Damn it Jun! All of my courage was wasted on a confession that wasn’t heard, great. I took a breath to steady myself and decided to start off slow to rebuild what little courage I could muster in a few sentences.

“Oh… well do you remember when you asked me if there was someone in mind when I chose this song?”

“Of course. So it was about someone after all?” He teased.

“Yeah, I just didn’t want to talk about it at the time but I think it’s best to let it out now. Before I do though… if I tell you will you let our friendship be the same?”

“Of course. Why? Is it one of my friends that broke your heart?”

      His lighthearted responses to this made it harder to spit it out. I know asking that was pointless but I wanted to have some faint string to grab a hold of that this won’t change everything. In retrospect doing this two weeks before showcase was a terrible decision on my part but I can’t let these feelings grow anymore. Anymore than this and I might go insane with this constant aching and the ups and downs.

“Something like that? It’s kind of… you.”

      Instantly his smile faltered as his eyes searched my face, trying to find indication that I was joking but there wasn’t. His face changed from the slight shock to pity and I knew what was coming next. I know he didn’t mean to look at me like that, because how else do you look at someone you’re going to reject, but it still stung.

“Hyemi… I’m sorry. I-”

“Have someone you like? Yeah Jun, I know,” I stated softly, “ I knew it was pointless I just wanted to properly get rejected. I’m sorry for being selfish.”

      I gave him a half-hearted smile in an attempt to lighten the mood but both of us knew this was something too heavy for a simple smile to fix. I gave one last apology and excused myself to go meet up with the girls to rehearse our piece. Out in the hall I realized no matter how prepared I thought I was for the pain, it still hurt. If he had said the words himself instead of me finishing his sentence, there would be tears and I didn’t need him feeling any worse about this than he already feels.