Chapter 13

After her dinner with the girls, Byulyi heads home, her head clearer. The tightness in her chest has disappeared, and the anchor in her heart has lightened. 

She rests easy that night.

(She dreams of nothing. Nothing at all. No tear tracks greet her in the morning, nor do bloodshot eyes stare back at her as she surveys herself in front of a mirror. She feels... surprisingly empty. No pain. No happiness. Absolutely nothing. 

She decides to take it positively.)

‘Monday. Right. Back to work.’ Byulyi says to herself, her hands tight around the edge of her sink. If she glances down she would see tiny cracks under the pressure, but she doesn’t. She continues eyeing herself.

Dark bags that used to stand strikingly against her deathly pale pallor have lightened into a dull gray. Her cheeks aren’t as sunken, and the fire in her eyes isn’t fully back yet, but embers proudly light her brown eyes up.

She smiles, and though it takes a lot of effort, it comforts her.

‘Why would a person leave you, Moon Byulyi?’ she murmurs to herself.

(Her pessimistic side yells a dozen replies.

She’s ugly. She’s imperfect. She’s nothing special. She’s of no worth- She’s only Moon Byulyi. 

Most of all, she’s broken. She can’t be loved. Heck, she can’t even love herself.

A surprising optimism in her sparks in response and she indulges it, mentally listing her positive traits.

She may not be a beauty according to Korean standards, or even that of Western perception, and she may not exactly turn heads left and right, but her smile makes up for it. Many have claimed her smile to be the best part about her, and she be damned if she doesn’t believe the very words of her own mother.

She’s imperfect. Of course. Who isn’t? If anything, that’s a blessing. Her imperfections are what makes her, her. It paints the world a little brighter and exciting.

She’s nothing special? Wrong. She is special. Who isn’t? Well, her brand of special is unique. She isn’t a yessir. Not a blind follower of the current trend. Cutesy blouses and frilly skirts? No thank you. She’ll have a crisply ironed suit and add a blood red tie to match, please. She isn't like any other girl out there.

She’s Moon Byulyi.

She’s worthless? 

Maybe. 

She has fled from so many things.

She has always been an up-and-go girl. Bail on fails and stick for success. 

She has not entirely been the perfect golden daughter either- she calls her mother once in a blue moon. Hectic schedules and busy life isn’t a valid reason. Her family has always been supportive of her, so why can’t she even call to check up on them?

Aside from that, she has never contributed much to her group's success. Her group is known for being a vocal powerhouse, and she can’t live up to the name. Her CEO even forced her to be a rapper or quit, so it’s quite obvious that she isn’t as skilled like her members.

But the important thing is- she's trying. She's making an effort to change, and frankly, that's more than enough. Taking the courage to admit your flaws to yourself is damn hard.

She’s only Moon Byulyi. Not an accomplished rapper, only strung along by her vocal beasts of friends. If not for them, her name wouldn’t be even heard.

But, she reluctantly acquiesces, MAMAMOO would not be MAMAMOO if one member is missing. That could be said for her too. She may not be a vocal prodigy, nor an outstanding rapper, but her refreshing flow is the spice to the sweet tinge of MAMAMOO's vocals.

She’s broken? Yes. She is broken. However, she isn’t broken beyond repair. Sure, she might prick herself from trying to piece the shards of her life together again, but she has no choice. She can not exactly start over again, can’t she?

-Though it might be wonderful to be a child again and do things right the second time around-

She has no choice but to patch herself up and carry on.

She can’t even love herself? She loves herself, yes she does, but she forgot thinking about her wellbeing the moment Kim Yongsun entered her life. She has so much love in herself, so much love to share, but the person she wanted to give it to didn’t want it, and she was lost.

Now, though, she will find herself again. No one and nothing will stop her from doing so.

She’s Moon Byulyi, and she’s moving on.)

She looks at herself and smiles. 'You, go you!' she huffs and pumps a fist, her stomach warm. She makes a finger gun and shoots, winking, 'You're not the one who will crash. She left such an amazing person like you- she's obviously making bad life choices. Hwaiting, Byulyi you hottie.'

She stares into the mirror and nods, completing her daily ritual before going to practice.

......

The air conditioning doesn't do anything to help Byulyi with her clammy hands. She wipes them against her jean leg and sighs, biting her lip. Cold dread settles in the pit of her stomach, trepidation and fear tightening her chest. She feels as if the world is spinning as her memories come crashing onto her. 

She grabs at the knob desperately, its cold, smooth texture and her slippery hand making it difficult to hold. She swallows.

Yongsun and her. Practicing together. Bright smiles and peals of laughter. Yongsun bathed in orange as sunlight kisses her pale skin. Byulyi smiling as her eyes rest on the older girl. Yongsun seeing her smile and sending one back, before taking her hand and reasoning that she doesn't want Byulyi to fall behind. Byulyi, like the fool she is, believing that Yongsun meant something more.

Yongsun.

Yongsun.

Yongsun.

Yongsun.

It happens so fast- all the emotions she has felt over the course of the week come barreling in again and she did not expect this. She was pretty sure she will do just fine but-

Byulyi lets out a breath and struggles to keep herself upright. 

'Byulyi?' a familiar voice cuts through her thoughts, much like how the sun parts the clouds after rainfall, only that instead of sunshine