07:00 - 09:00 AM

09:00 - 09:30 AM

09:30 - 09:45 AM

09:45 - 14:45 PM

14:45 - 15:55 PM

15:55 - 16:25 PM

16:25 - 17:00 PM

17:00 - 19:00 PM

19:00 - 19:15 PM

??:?? - ??:??

I'm reflecting a lot.

It seemed like the only thing my body knew how to do was remain in a state of rest, and as I wasted time by laying in bed all day, I saw memories of a few important events in my life flash before me. Every single memory felt like some sort of documentary.

I remembered how my mother comfortingly held my small hand as he accompanied me to my very first ballet class, and as the memory kept replaying I found it a bit strange since on a normal day, I couldn't even recall my first ballet class, since I started dancing ballet when I was three years old.

If I wasn't the type of person who paid attention to their studies, then I would be screwed for my finals as studying proved to be a bit difficult. I convinced both Tae Jin and Dr Kim that I would be able to take care of myself during the duration of my final exams, so packed with a ton of medication I was discharged from the hospital, and it's those same pills that made it hard for me to study. 

I should be sleeping at this moment, but now that I'm aware of the disease that I'm stricken with, it seems as if the sudden pain that comes along with it, has made the decision to keep me wide awake during the nights. So with the tears falling freely from my eyes, I lay in bed and kept on reflecting on the life that was.

 I suddenly remember when I was six years old, I was laying in a hospital bed and my grandmother was seated beside the bed and my mother was standing over me. They were talking about contacting someone, my grandmother pleaded with my mother but she kept on refusing, I think she mentioned something about him abandoning me.

The stray memory feels weird to me, my mother once mentioned how I was sick as a child, but as I grew up I could never seem to recall such a memory. People often say when you get to a certain age your memories fade, and they also say that when it's almost time for you to pass on, there are memories which will present themselves.

It makes me think that my repressed memories are early signs of how I'll end up, but wouldn't that be too much? If I was created to die this young, then it's only right for me to throw away any goals which I had set for myself. With that thought, and after pushing my body, I successfully get off the bed and limp over to where my papers lay.

With the small amount of strength that I have in my hands, I stand by my computer desk and rip all copies of my schedules to shreds. It no longer matters if I had convinced myself that keeping busy would result in me being comfortable in the way how my life had turned out, it's all going up in flames once again anyway.

I might as well just let it burn. 

"Thank you..." 

I bow at the delivery guy a few hours later then quickly close the door so he wouldn't see me cry, I never thought the day would come when Sir Sleeps Alot and I would part, but with the current state that I'm in, I don't think I can take good care of him. 

"...I'm sorry little guy." 

THE weeks flew by in a flash, and before I knew it the exams - as well as the month - came to an end. I had to make good on my promise, so after my last final exam as a university student, I went home to get the necessities I'll need for my time in the hospital.

Tae Jin and Ji Sung wanted to be there when the time for my admission came around, but for some reason I felt like this is something that I had to do on my own, and so here I am.

Alone...

"Cha Ri Ta."

...or so I thought. 

"What are you doing here?" 

Judging by his stance he seems uncertain. When I had first met him he came off as really confident, and whenever I would happen to be in his presence, he always give off that certain aura.

But now, he doesn't seem like the confident man who came into my life a few years ago. "I'll accompany you to your first appointment."

Due to the fact that I had busied myself with my finals, I had somewhat neglected my health, and so I wasn't taking my medication. Even though I know how crucial it is for me take care of myself at a time like this, I still don't want to accept the fact that I have cancer, and as stupid as this may sound, taking those pills means that there's a part of me which accepts the defeat.

So as soon as I got to the hospital, I was administered the medication in IV form, and the stubborn part of me wanted to protest and to fight, but the earlier stupidity that laced my thoughts vanished when I just happened to catch a few minutes of an interview with Hyuk on the TV in my room.

He told me I'm strong, so I guess I can pretend to be that person for a while. 

"Why are we here?" I turn to look at him, "what are you trying to do?" 

"I know that you'll never accept me as your father," he sighs deeply, "but there are some things a father will never let his child experience. Cha Ri Ta, I won't ever agree to you amputating your leg." 

I could have saved myself a trip to the psychiatrist if I had known about the hidden appointment beforehand. She told me things that I already knew, things that I didn't want to admit to, and things that I didn't want to share with anyone.

The fact that I keep on repressing my emotions has led me to have an internalizing disorder, but that's nothing new to me at all, I already figured out that keeping my problems to myself would come back to haunt me. So the depression, social withdrawal, anxiety, trauma, and the obsessive-compulsive need to stick to a schedule will have me coming back to the psychiatrist's office for a while.  

My father got his wish in the end, the psychiatrist concluded that I'm not i