Telling someone to love himself or herself was simpler than having to do it in the first place. Jiyong has never realized how hard it was until he tried to do so. It was easy to imagine the idea that everything would be fine the way it was after he attempted to love himself. But the possibility has gone from his mind, he couldn’t do it. 

Jiyong, in his entire life, was so used to be a giver. Someone who was putting his love into others that he treasured, such as his parents and sister, bandmates, and most importantly husband and son. He gave it willingly. It was very easy for him to love, but not into his own self.

It was a pity to be honest. Even Jiyong was pitying himself for unable to loving back his other part, GD. His mind tended to over thinking itself, making horrible scenario and rising up anxiety to the point he was afraid to dream once again. That only meant he would only build up another expectations, start predicting another rise and fall, find another flaws which needed to be hidden behind the public eyes and wait for another day to come for them to destroy him once again. 

That was a whole torture he would possibly create if he couldn’t overcome his inner turmoil and only forced himself to be GD once again. Jiyong wished he could give the love he put into others for himself. 

He was a giver, he didn’t know how to be a receiver. 

So he did this. Who knew it might be working somehow. He chose to forget, about everything, for a moment. His once perfect life, his proud family, his loving son, and his beautiful husband. 

Jiyong needed time to rediscover his self without having a thought if he acted this way, a special person might love or hate him more. He didn’t want to live under people’s expectancy. He had to fill himself in with a pure love of his soul for himself, so he could be free once again from his own mind torturing himself.

“Hyung, you come.” Seungri came closer with a slight flush in each of his cheek which Jiyong believed was caused by the heat after the jiu-jitsu competition instead of him. He was still as beautiful as ever.

Jiyong smiled, welcoming him. “I do.”

It was awkward between them.

As he promised, he would pick Seungri up and jiu-jitsu competition was a right place to be. He planned to visit after all with the help of Jonghoon, even if Seungri didn’t call him, he was still planning to go.

Today would be the day, even though Jiyong wasn't sure if he was ready enough to live under one roof with the said man in front of him again after a short break. Even Joonie didn’t look excited when Jiyong said he would pick his momma and bring him back home, to him. Joonie hid his feeling well behind his silence. Jiyong thought it would be a bad idea to make Joonie meeting up with his mother so soon after what Seungri did, but Jiyong's omma told him before his flight to Japan this morning, that Joonie silently wished for his momma for his upcoming birthday before he went sleeping.

Jiyong knew Joonie was dissapointed, but his love for Seungri never faded, never waver, never be questioned or doubted. Seungri saved him from his agony after all, when he was bruised and hurt by his biological parents and took care of him with sl much patience. He still wanted his mother, Seungri. Jiyong thought it was a good sign, even though it would be hard to make them acted like how they used to in the past.

“Where’s J-joonie?” Seungri stammered.

“He doesn't come with me. He is with mother at home.”

Jiyong could see the look of disappointment in the younger's eyes. He tried to contact Joonie, even Jiyong helped him, but Joonie refused to speak another words besides he hated making promise.

“So you’re alone?”

“So I'm alone.”

“Oh.” Seungri nodded. No need for experts or scientists to tell Jiyong that Seungri was beyond nervous. He kept clenching and unclenching his hands. He wanted to move forward, to hug Jiyong, but was afraid if he would only make the older feeling uncomfortable.

“You did amazing, Seungri.” Jiyong said, changing the topic to reduce awkwardness between them. He meant it, Seungri did great in his fight. He even got medals, although he wasn’t in the first place. The man was indeed amazing.

“I could have done better.” Seungri pouted, playing with his medals.

“Still, congratulations. I'm very proud of you.”

“Thank you. J-jiyong hyung?!” Seungri was surprised as Jiyong grabbed his chin and tilted his face up, making maknae stared straightly at him.

“My face is here, Ri.” Jiyong smiled. Seungri gulped down his nervousness, couldn’t trust his voice for not betraying him, so he nodded instead.

“Where are you staying, hyung?” Seungri asked after awhile.

“I don’t know. I have no place to stay.”

“W-what?”

“I also don’t bring any luggage. I'm coming back home at the earliest flight tomorrow.” Jiyong shrugged.

“Doesn’t mean you can be homeless for a night! Yah, hyung! Let’s stay with me!" Seungri yelled which somehow gained attention from people around them. He grabbed his hyung's hand and tried to drag Jiyong along with him out. To his place. 

“No.”

“B-but –“

“Will you come with me instead?”

Jiyong pushed Seungri's hand away. It hurt Seungri and it was shown in his eyes, but Jiyong just smiled it away. He put his hand on Seungri's waist instead, like what he usually did, shortening their space. Seungri was shocked and this time blushing because of his husband’s action and the people around them who keep stealing a glance once in awhile.

“W-where?”

“I don’t know. Anywhere you want, to everywhere our feet can bring.”

Seungri frowned. “Are you trying to be careless?”

“That’s what I want. Being careless tonight, while courting you before the sun rises.” Jiyong said smoothly which made the younger speechless.

Court him? They're still a married couple, not a newfound lover.

“I'm –“

“Shall we go now?”

Jiyong tightened his grip on Seungri's waist. The younger had no choice other than being agree with his husband. Seungri has missed Jiyong after all.

“Let's be free for today. Forget that we are public figures. Forget that we are still married. Forget that we had once mutual relationship. Forget that we fight to overcome our problem. And forget that we – we have Joonie at home.” Jiyong whispered to his ear.

“Forget everything?” Seungri mumbled as he saw Jiyong stood in front of him now, after they went out from the sport venue. He put both his hands on Seungri's each side of his waist now, talking closely.

“Yes. All you have to remember right now is you will spend the night with me. Do you get it? It's me, Ri.”

“You.”

“The man who still loves you despite everything.” Jiyong said as he signaled Seungti to repeat after him.

“The man who loves me.”

“The man who wants to be with you once again.”

“The man who wants me.”

“The man who is courting you right now.”

“The man who courts me now.”

“I'm trying to fix this for myself. I sound selfish, but I know I can’t do this without your help, the only person besides my mom who can see me as wholly me. What you see is always me being Jiyong. This time I want you to welcome back my once lost soul along with me. Teach me how to accept and love GD again, Ri.”

Seungri didn’t pity him, that’s what Jiyong sought from him. Seungri could see him thoroughly, both his strongest and weakest points, strangely and surprisingly Seungri could accept him. 

“Life is too short to be dissapointed in yourself for being human, hyung.”

Seungri saw Jiyong as a human.

“Like you said, let's forget everything and be careless. Let’s be happy.” Seungri grinned widely at him.

They spent the remaining hours of the day together, being lovey dovey and understanding each of their self better. It felt weird at first to build communication that actually never existed between the two. Jiyong didn’t have any idea how they could become close in the first place with the lack of communication. They talked a lot about others, works and stuffs, but never did they say a few things about themselves. So today was the day when both of them opened up and gave explanation about their own vision, mission and ambition.

They were trying to heal first, mending their internal issues and broken hearts before they fixed their shattered relationship with Joonie. They needed to let everything out to save their marriage and