"Nam Sun-ah, it's another beautiful day today." Seon Mi said as she walked slowly down the stony path carved on the side of the sloping hill of the riverfront. Stepping gingerly, she made her way down closer to the bay and set her bag down. From this vantage point, she can see the full expanse of the river before it curves to the east to join the bigger canals. It is peaceful, this little hideaway cove she found. This grassy patch continues on several miles until the ground rises up and meets the old riverfront path again and into a wider field before ending into the cement structure of the overpass. There the old riverfront walkway ends, while the river curves around to continue it's route to the canals that will join it to the bigger Han River.

Seon Mi brought out her blanket and spread it on the ground. She brought several heels of bread she has been saving just for this day. Already several ducks and seagulls started to flock while she broke and scattered pieces of bread all over the water's edge.

"You guys are hungry!" she exclaimed as she broke off more pieces, the noisy quacks and squawks drowning everything else. Her giggles rang out as several sea gulls swooped down to pick off the bread she held out to them.  Pretty soon the bread is all gone, and she brushed crumbs off her hands and stood watching the birds finish off the scraps on the ground.

Nam Sun-ah, I was lucky it didn't rain today. It is actually quite sunny too. I'm even wearing the hat we bought when we went to the beach for my birthday years ago, remember? She had taken to talking to Nam Sun internally rather than out loud, more for privacy than anything else. The year before, she was interrupted by several teenagers who were rude enough to point and stare and eavesdrop.

The bookstore is doing all right. I know you wanted us to have a little area for people to drink coffee and eat desserts; I tried but there's just not enough room. But, see, there's this new coffee shop next door and the owner and I have set up something so I've been baking cakes and cookies for their shop. It's just twice a week, but it's turned out pretty well, so I'm happy with our business arrangement. Sometimes she'll get a request for special cakes, so she'll send the customers to me. She picked a few pebbles and tried skipping it over the water, the stones creating shallow ripples across the calm surface. So you'll be happy to know I'm still baking and plus earning some from it too.

Yesterday was Friday and we had our support group meeting again. I didn't think everybody would be there 'coz the last few sessions we had were pretty heavy emotionally. But Mr. Do walked in with Dae Suk. You know, he didn't show last Friday. I told Ms. Choi he might be one member we'll lose cause he hasn't been very open and approachable at all. But Mr. Do brought him last night. Ms. Choi and I found out later that Mr. Do saw him in the cemetery last week when he himself was visiting his wife. Dae Suk was there putting flowers in his eomeoni's burial mound. Apparently they got to talking and Dae Suk was a bit more friendly to Mr. Do. I feel so bad for him, Nam Sun-ah. He's your typical young person trying to earn a living and ended up having no life outside work. He's blamed himself for not being there when his abeoji's got sick. And then right after that, his eomeoni got sick too. He lost them within weeks of each other. He's been feeling guilty he wasn't there to help them and he's been very upset with himself, with everybody, with life. She paused to look up, shading her eyes at the brief glare of the sun. I hope he will continue to come to the sessions, or at the very least even just to be in touch with Mr. Do. Mr. Do says he's really a nice guy; he's just a little lost right now.

Seon Mi sighed and her thoughts slid back to yesterday's session. Ms. Choi wanted to lighten the mood a little so she asked any one who could to share a happy memory of a loved one they lost, to make this evening's session a remembrance of some sort. It was quiet since no one wanted to start; so Seon Mi ventured forth and shared a special memory of Nam Sun.

"Tomorrow is Nam Sun's jesa. This is quite fitting since I wanted to remember my friend during our moments of happiness too and not always think of her with sadness," she said, her voice low and tinged with a little shyness. "This happened some time back; it was just right before we graduated. We wanted to do a bake sale to earn some money, to get started with our savings to fund our bookstore, you know. So we held a bake sale. I'm a decent baker, but Nam Sun was not. She had always referred to herself as a lazy baker," Seon Mi explained, her eyes held a faraway look, reaching back all those years in her mind to see.

"So we baked a huge lot of cookies and petit fours, all sorts of little finger food desserts. Nam Sun decided to make the cookies, something easy she felt she could do. To her credit she had made cookies pretty well before, so why not, right? So she decided to do the cookies, even picking something healthy like those oatmeal cookies. Pretty easy enough, we thought. So we baked and baked and got our desserts going. We brought all our stuff in the school near the rotunda where there's a steady traffic of students passing, sure to earn us some cash. We were doing well setting up the sweets on the table, until her pan of cookies got jostled and a few pieces dropped on the floor..." Seon Mi paused. Everybody was quiet, waiting for her to proceed. "The c-cookies fell... and.. and.. they made a thunking noise on the ground...on the school's cement pavement." She looked up, biting her lips. "Nam Sun and I looked at each other; her eyes had widened in surprise. So s-she took another one of her cookie, held it up and simply dropped it again on the floor. Thunk. We both heard it, there was no mistaking it; her cookies made a clattering noise."

Her voice had gotten trembly not from sadness, but mirth, enough that she had slight tears from her eyes remembering that day. "The cookies were hard as rocks; actually harder cause they didnt even crack when it fell onto the pavement. It seems she had read the recipe wrong. It had asked for 1 1/4 cup of butter...she thought it meant one 1/4 cup, not one and 1/4..." Seon Mi placed her hands on her lips to contain her smile. " and she had skipped the baking powder altogether...The students would've broken a tooth had they bitten the cookie," she choked out, "but Nam Sun was very enterprising; she sold them as ammunition for slingshots, as paper weights, as omok stones, anything you can possible think of at all." She wiped an errant tear from her eyes. "And because she was such a popular girl, she sold most of them anyway. Nam Sun could sell ice to an eskimo with no problem; I swear only she can sell her cement cookies without any trouble at all." She said with a smother of laughter.

There were giggles amongst the group, as they could vividly picture the cookies and Nam Sun from her descriptions. She had plenty of happy memories such as these. And she couldn't help but feel somewhat guilty thinking how much she seems to spend being sad instead of remembering their happy times together.

Ms. Choi's voice eventually cut into her reverie. She has been speaking about how it seems like our life is all full of regrets and what ifs after losing someone; how we keep on focusing on what we have lost rather than on what we have had. Ms. Choi went on to share another passage from her book.

"Since when did we allow our lives to begin to fill with all sorts of regrets and remorse? We regret we have not done what we wanted to do; we regret things not turning out the way we wished them to be; we wonder about what if we 'got this', 'had that', 'done this' instead. Don't we realize after a while all these wishing and regretting get in the way of living? We keep regretting and wishing for something else, we end up losing sight of the happiness that we had experienced instead. And even worse, what hope those happiness might bring in the here and now. Before we know it, we'll wake up one day realizing we've been merely existing rather than living. And what about those regrets, those wishes we've been sighing about? They're just mere dandelion wisps floating in the air-- we've been trying our darnest to catch and put these back together, we end up forgetting there are flowers blooming by our feet, waiting to be seen and treasured."

(excerpt from:  the uncharted territories of my heart -myzyanya)

 

Seon Mi sat crosslegged on the blanket; next to her stood a thermos of tea and some snacks. Her phone notification went off and she saw Ji Woon had sent her a message. I wish you were here, the message said, along with it a photo.  It shows a table full of Nam Sun's favorite dishes, baskets of fruits, and also the desserts she made. In the center was Nam Sun's photograph in a lovely wooden frame, flanked by two tall white taper candles. She could see the beautiful flower arrangements that were on each sides of the table, all in purples and lilacs, Nam Sun's favorite colors. She texted Ji Woon her thanks for sending the picture, feeling glad that the desserts she sent were included in the ceremony.

Your table looks so lovely, Nam Sun-ah, she thought. There's a ton of food, all your favorites. I hope you enjoy the offerings. She had set down the book of poetry she had been reading when she received the message. Now glancing back on her phone, her eyes are drawn to the list of people she's been texting with. Nam Sun-ah, she started and then paused. I met someone. I've made a friend. I think if you were here you would've been teasing me mercilessly already.

He seems very nice. He's an artist; he paints and draws these beautiful scenes and portraits. Oh and he's got a wry sense of humor too. He's tall and good looking, but not at all arrogant. I mean, others think he's aloof, but that's just 'coz he tends to be on the quiet side; he's always been friendly with me though.  Seon Mi bit her lips and blushed a little. Sheesh, why am I feeling embarrassed telling you about him?  She started picking up tufts of weeds around where she sat, shredding the tiny blades of grass between her fingers while she remained deep in thought. I met him through the support group; he's lost someone too, his twin brother. I guess we feel a kinship because we both lost someone very close to us.

I haven't seen his art works yet, I mean not directly, only the ones online that I've found. He draws too but hasn't done that after he lost his brother. He told me he would usually sculpt first to get the proper feel of the subject he wanted to draw, to get the feel and the shape before he would render it on charcoal and paper. But he hasn't been able to sculpt since his brother's death. He blames himself for his brother's accident. I think that's why he's having problems now sleeping and completing his projects; he hasn't fully forgiven himself for what he feels is his fault. I wish there's a way I can help him see he's not to blame for what has happened. I know he needs to realize it for himself to get some resolution, to be at peace. All I can do is just try to be there for him. We do talk a lot nowadays though not always about you or Ha Jae, but about other things too. I just hope that having someone to talk with does help him. Maybe eventually he can start sculpting again and even start sleeping too.

She sighed. Nam Sun-ah, I...I really like him. And maybe... I think maybe.... he might like me too.

.

.

Meanwhile, the subject of Seon Mi's thoughts stood in his apartment, wiping his paint stained hands on a towel. Ha Jun felt somewhat productive today. He finished a painting, a frozen tundra scene. He used all blues and greys with a subtle flash of white to depict the moon peeking behind the strands of clouds. It's such a simple scene but the details kept him engrossed: the frozen tundra floor with massive cracks of ice floating on it's surface, the rough texture of the craggy ice underneath, and then there is that very brief flash of light reflecting off the horizon. It seems like a calm painting; but upon closer look, one would note how the scene pulls at you in its stillness and one can feel the very air to be vibrantly alive in its absolute silence. 

Ha Jun took a long deep fortifying breath. He started out distracted, thinking of Seon Mi by herself out there in the riverfront, worrying how burdened she must be feeling with Nam Sun's jesa and being all alone, not realizing she is doing just fine. He had to stop himself from calling her, feeling he might be more intrusive than helpful. So he took all that edginess and channelled it onto a painting to keep himself distracted and busy. He was surprised that he still managed to capture his emotions; the restlessness he felt seeping even in such a "calm" painting. 

I wonder what she'll think of my painting lately? Maybe she'll let me try painting her portrait. He mused staring at several unmounted canvas leaning on the far wall, waiting for his brush . He is caught with memories of her from last night's session; how she lit up with the happy memory she shared of Nam Sun. He thought of her delicate shaped face, the planes of her cheekbones, the curve of in a faint smile. And try as he might, he could not see her in a painted version, but rather in a simple charcoal portrait, with the shadowing and contrasting light capturing her luminous eyes and the softness of her lips. His hands longed to trace her face, to feel with his fingertips and sculpt her in clay. Only then will he draw her, with his hands now familiar with her shape, the slopes and contours of her lovely face.

He shook himself out of his reverie when he realized the time. He still needed to wash up before meeting her in a few hours. He turned to spare a glance at his work table before leaving the room. I'll need to get some clay. Ha Jae, maybe I can sculpt again.

.

.

.

Seon Mi propped herself tiredly on the cushions. She had a glass of soju in her hand and another glass sits waiting on top of the crate. The table was full of small dishes. She has prepared various snacks to go with their drinks. She sat taking a few sips, waiting on Ha Jun who had texted her that he was on his way.

Right on time, her phone rang. "I'm downstaits; where do you want me to go?"

"I'm coming down; I'll let you in." 

She rushed to meet him downstairs. "Annyeong Ha Jun. Omo how many bottles of so ju were you thinking we'll drink?" She noted he was carrying a hefty brown paper bag.  

"Just in case we needed more than we planned," he said as he followed her up the stairs to the roof. "I also brought some chips and other snacks to add to your small dishes."

"Please sit. I hope you don't mind, but I started already; I've only been sipping though."

"Not at all. How did your day go?" He took a seat and accepted a glass she poured out for him. 

"It was fine actually. There were plently of ducks and seagulls to keep me company, though they only came when they sensed there's food to be had." 

"I would have kept you company if I knew; I didn't want to intrude, Seon Mi."

"Oh, no, please, I wasn't implying. I was really fine. I liked that I really had the time to talk with her today. I mean I know I talk to her whenever too but I'm always distracted or doing something else. Today I sat there and focused on her."

"I understand. I'm glad then I didn't bother you. Will you let me know if I am, intruding I mean or if you want company? I will admit to feeling clueless about this." 

"Thanks Ha Jun. I will." She smiled shyly at him.

"Let's toast her memory. Seon Mi would you like to begin?"

"To my friend, who had become the sister I was lucky to find; Nam Sun-ah, please be well and happy wherever you are. I miss you, but I am glad you're in a place where you can be happy and free and without any more pain."

"Nam Sun-ssi, I have not had the pleasure to meet you, but I am happy to have known about you. Please be at peace, drop us a few blessings here and there, and I promise to watch over Seon Mi so you don't have to worry."

They clicked their glasses and took a drink in her memory.

"To be honest, I thought you would have a little jesa of your own for her, Seon Mi. I wasn't sure what to expect."

"No, I'm not that sentimental; she's not really there, it's only her picture. She's here," she points at her heart, "and here," pointing next at her temple. "So it didn't matter to me not being there for her jesa. I can celebrate her memory wherever I go." She paused and poured them another glass. "I mean, it would have been nice to be there, don't get me wrong. And yes, I'm hurt by it, but..." she shrugs. She finished her drink and stood to look out the balcony. "I'm happy they took the desserts. They could've been petty and refused it altogether."

Ha Jun joined her to look out toward the city. "It's not your fault. They should not continue to blame you."

"I do understand them. Nam Sun was the apple of everyone's eyes, including mine. She was effervescent, lighting up the room when she walked in it. Her parents doted on her, gave her anything her heart desired. I was lucky that included me."

Seon Mi took a deep breath. "They never wanted me; I was an added responsibility they tolerated because they loved Nam Sun. And Nam Sun... she loved me. I was perfectly satisfied with that. When she was gone, I became a reminder instead of what they lost. She was their Sun, the light of their life. How could you not miss the sun, when you're stuck in the pale of the moon?"

Her voice stayed in monotone, belying the truth that still excoriates the wound deep inside. Her eyes had filled with unshed tears but she stood resolutely staring out of them though unseeing.

"Why her? Why not me? She was everything that I was not. She had everything. She had beauty and brains, a family that adored her. She was near to being perfect: perfect daughter, sister, friend. Even I knew it. She was light, bringing happiness to everyone that knew her.

They didn't blame me; they never did. They didn't have to. I saw it in their eyes all the same when they looked at me; I still see it all the time: why not her instead?...

...And I ...I was just me, an add-on, just someone she cared about. I mattered only because she cared about me...

So here I am, continuing both our dreams, surrounded with the books we love, living in the city, being independent.

But she's gone. She's gone when she should've been here, living a beautiful life; and me... why am I still here, living what should've been her life instead..."

Her voice broke at the end along with it the dam that held her tears. Ha Jun's heart felt bruised hearing her words, seeing her in tears, feeling the pain she tries hard to keep inside. He could not say anything that would erase any of these. Instead he reached out and took her in his arms, comforting her the only way he knew how by offering her his warmth, what strength he has to make her feel secure, and let her feel she does matter still, because she mattered to him. 

.

.

Ha Jun sat still, trying gently to move his arms to cradle her more comfortably. After Seon Mi broke down, they sat together in silence; she stayed in his arms until her crying slowed, her sobs gently easing until she drifted to sleep. He looked at her now, her arms resting lightly on his chest, and her face still bearing the tracks of her tears. He reached out to wipe a tear away and she stirred slightly, breathing deeply into him. He shifted to keep her more secured in place, not wanting her to wake and leave his arms. You are more than enough, he thought, his heart squeezing thinking how she felt herself unloved after Nam Sun had gone. They're wrong, you know, but the moon carries its own beauty even the sun would dare not compete.

Ha Jun leaned his head next to hers with Romie cat sitting companionably between their laps purring. And under the pale murky strung lights, with the softest whisper of a breeze, his lips brushed the top of head lightly and he drew in deeply the scent of her hair. And his eyes, they slowly drifted close to welcome a much long awaited sleep.

cr. cover chapter to phyungsik_pboyoung

cr. collage pic to icemaiden21