Ms. Choi is well underway in her session. The group sat in a circle facing one another, six new people meeting each other for the first time. She has introduced herself, the purpose of the group and what she hopes they would accomplish. Seon Mi sat listening attentively. Part of her task has been to listen and later jot down key points regarding each person, almost like a dossier. Her photographic memory is certainly a boon for this task. Though everyone had signed a consent for Ms. Choi to keep personal records and were aware these would be held in full confidence, she didn't keep notes real time, as people tend to be less forthcoming when they see another keeping track of things being said. Ms. Choi held a pad and paper but would only scribble every now and then. 

"I hope meeting every Fridays would be part of your routine as much as you need to be here. Rest assured I will not chase you down for attendance, but I hope you will find that this support group is helpful, even if it is just in recognizing you are not the only one who is going through emotional hardship, that we all have experienced different tragedies. And perhaps by sharing and hearing from one another, we can find some modicum of relief that would help us move on, be less burdened, less grieved in the process."

Each of them here had suffered a personal loss with varying ways of coping. Ms. Choi had started to ask each person to introduce themselves when the door to the room opened.

"I apologize for being late," Ha Jun bowed, as he walked in. "May I still participate?"

"Certainly, please grab a seat; we are just getting started." Ms. Choi said, welcomingly.

Seon Mi had stood to grab a chair from the stack by the wall, but Ha Jun beat her to it, bowing and letting her keep her seat instead.

"Let's go around and introduce ourselves briefly. I'll start." Ms. Choi shared how she lost a son many years back after his long bout of depression ended up with him taking his own life. After years of blaming herself, she finally started her own slow recovery, being on medications for a while, seeing a therapist, finally joining a support group. She also made it her life goal to help others going through grief by continuing the support group, as it had helped her in her darkest hours.

There was a middle aged couple, Mr. and Mrs. Gim. He was a balding, portly gentleman, soft spoken. Where he was all rounded and plump, his wife was all angles and sharp edges. She has an angular face with high cheekbones, pinched lips and bony limbs. She has the same gloomy stare as everyone has in the room. Though her features be sharp, she was really a kind lady. They have lost their only child, a young daughter from an accident. They found themselves no longer talking much, not even to each other, house-bound, swallowed by their grief. 

Mrs. Sung, is an older lady who lost her husband a year back. She came to the session at the insistence of her ganddaughter, who saw her slow descent into depression concerning, as she started wasting away and being reduced to a mere wisp of the person she once was.

Mun Yee, Mrs. Sung's granddaughter, a young lady in her mid twenties. She came to join to support her grandmother.

Cho Dae Suk, a young man who lost his parents one after the other. Father died after being sick for a long time, his mom followed suit with a broken heart. He is restless, unsure of his presence here, noticeably anxious from the way he kept wringing his hands.

Mr. Do an elderly gentleman who has been coming to the session for the past year. He had lost his wife a couple years back. His children all grown and far way, leaving him here by himself. He is lonely and found a family in Ms. Choi and Seon Mi in these sessions.

"I'm Ha Jun, in my thirties; I'm an artist. I lost my twin brother a couple of years ago from a car accident. I thought I was doing fine, until I stopped sleeping some months ago. I barely sleep, only an hour at a time, if I'm lucky."

"I'm Seon Mi, I own a bookstore across town. I've been coming here to help out for the past year. But I've also lost someone; a friend I grew up with like a sister. She was my only family."

"Thank you for sharing everyone. As this is our first day, I don't expect everyone to feel comfortable immediately with each other, so we will share as a group for now. Later as we go through sessions, we will break in groups as needed to get to know each other better, see where others are coming from, offer each other insights and really be each other's source of strength. For couples or families, you are welcome to stay together, or not if you feel it more helpful to find different person for support. But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's start by understanding what grief is, what are realistic expectations and misconceptions."

Ms. Choi went on to talk about stages of grief. She is eloquent, having been familiar herself with the grieving process and spoke of her own experiences. She welcomed questions as they came up, and provided insights about the topic discussed.

Seon Mi studied each person covertly as part of the report she will type up. Her report is objective, and if there were any subjective impressions, she would document those separately. 

Mr. and Mrs. Gim were distant from each other, their body language implying an underlying conflict. She recalled they had mentioned losing their daughter, a young 16 year old. Seon Mi can almost guess that they have been blaming each other for their loss, holding their words back which led to their muteness, while sharing this same grief.

Mrs. Sung is so obviously in deep depression. Her sunken eyes, wan demeanor, lack of eye contact all significant tells. But she kept a hold of Mun Yee's hand thoughout the meeting. Her reaching out for physical contact to her granddaughter gave Seon Mi some hope that all is not yet lost with the lady.

Dae Suk was harder to read. Seon Mi can tell he was uncomfortable being there. His posture is stiff, looking as if he was ready to bolt  given the chance. His eyes dart to and fro and he had been restless in his seat.

Mr. Do is a familiar face. He has been coming to both sessions. And his presence has actually been a source of comfort for Ms. Choi, as he has been a tremendous help with odds and ends in the office. He is at this point of his life that, after he lost his wife, he is all alone; all his children are grown and he felt useless and unwanted. The sessions and its members have become a substitute family, a way to cope for him, to feel needed, to be part of something still.

Her eyes reached Ha Jun, sitting quietly, eyes cast down on his hands. He said he is an artist and she noted his long tapering fingers, stained with various inks and colors, and saw even at rest how elegant his fingers looked interlocked. She was curious about his symptoms, of not being able to sleep, for she too had experienced something similar in fashion, albiet not perhaps the extreme as he has described. He is quite tall, his long legs sticking out from the low chair they were sitting, but he sat quietly, unmoving, listening to Ms. Choi's discourse.

Ms. Choi went on to prompt each participant that shared, offering insights and encouragement while they bravely bare their hearts to the group. Seon Mi has been going to this sessions for the longest time now and it still never fails to surprise her how much a heart can take, how much pain it can carry, unbeknownst to anyone else but the person who is suffering.

Ms. Choi took a book from the table. It was not unusual for Ms. Choi to end the first session by reading a  passage, for Ms. Choi herself is a voracious reader. Seon Mi would often bring relevant passages for Ms. Choi to share as well.

"The hardest part about grieving is the the letting go. We hang onto it like a favorite toy, a favorite blanket; but it is not grief we hang onto, rather it is the memory of the love we cannot let go. But why would letting go equates with losing something forever? It should not mean the same. You grieve because your heart realizes that your love no longer has a home, that it has nowhere else to go and will no longer be received nor returned.

And that is what hurts the most: that the person is no longer there to take this love from you, and it just sits there like a stone in your heart, a heavy hollow likeness of what it was before. Because grief after all is still just love-- but love that can no longer be reciprocated.

It's true that when we lose someone, that love turns to grief; but letting go of grief should not mean losing the love; let it instead be a letting go of the pain. It is only then can you let love live in your heart once more."

 

--- excerpt, Uncharted Territories of My Heart -- myzyanya

Ms. Choi's voice was gentle, soothing as she read the passage. She closed the book slowly, before looking at the group gathered around her. "I would like you all to think about this. And I hope when we meet again next time, we can share with each other our impressions, our thoughts of what this means to us. If the passage speaks to you in any way, shape or form, please jot it down and I hope you would be willing to share a little bit with everyone next time."

She then thanked everybody for coming and asked them to stay for coffee and cupcakes. 

"Please do have some. Seon Mi makes the best cupcakes. She has been helping me for a while now, and you will likely notice how healthy I look."

This garnered a few chuckles and smiles from the group, lightening up the somber mood a bit.

Ms. Choi went around bowing, greeting each person. A few already congregated at the table helping themselves to coffee and cakes.

Mr. Do brought Mun Yee a plate, chatting with them animatedly, even though their responses are still guarded, still reserved.

Seon Mi saw Ha Jun bowing as if ready to leave, until Ms. Choi cornered him and brought him over to have coffee. Seon Mi didn't know then that Dr. Kim had spoken to Ms. Choi and had asked her favor to keep the man under her care while Dr. Kim is away. The therapist needed to make sure Ha Jun will have someone to turn to should the need arise while she is unavailable. 

Seon Mi handed him a cupcake. "How do you take your coffee?" she asked.

"Just black please, thank you. It's Seon Mi right?"

"Yes," she poured him a cup and handed the steaming coffee with a smile.

"Thank you." He was quiet. Seon Mi bowed as Mr. Gim took a proffered cake as well and then walked over to his wife.

"So do you mostly paint or do you do charcoal?" she asked conversationally. They stood companionably on the side, while others come and go helping themselves to the coffee and cakes.

"I do both," he turned inquisitively at her, "wait, what makes you guess either or?"

"Oh easy enough," she laughed, "I can see both paint and charcoal stains on your hand, almost in equal measure." She shrugged. "I figured you must do both and I was curious which you preferred."

"It varies on my mood. I've been mostly painting lately. But I haven't been completing my projects." He took a sip of his coffee. "Did you say you have a bookstore?"

"Yes, its a small used bookstore," she replied, naming a small street across town. "It's all second hand books, estate books and such. I've been lucky enough in the past to hold a rare edition or two."

"I like bookstores; I don't think I've been to yours." 

"Oh, it's very nondescript. Hardly like the others you must see in the city. But it is cozy if I may say so myself."

"I have a soft spot for vintage books; I find them full of character. The bindings alone feel like they have their own story to tell."

"Exactly!" Seon Mi turned wide eyes at him, surprised at his understanding.  She had to look up at him; she barely came up to his shoulders. "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised; being an artist, you would have these kinds of perception." 

"Saying I'm an artist is a handy excuse and answer for a lot of things."

"I suppose so," she laughed. She mimicked an accented voiced, 'he's different--oh but he's an artist'!"

"He's weird --oh he's an artist," he joined in. They both shared a laugh at this.

"I hope I didn't offend you," Seon Mi said.

"No, not at all. Thank you for the cupcake and coffee."

"You're welcome." After a pause she added, "I hope the coffee was not a bad idea?"

Ha Jun knew what she was referring to. "Caffeine has never been the problem." He gave her a wan smile. "It would have been an easier fix if it were."

.

Seon Mi and Mrs Choi were cleaning up after the end of the session. Mr. Do had lagged behind, reluctant to go back to his empty apartment. Seon Mi packed a couple of cupcakes left over for him and soon he left. She finished wiping the table and brought the coffee pot for rinsing to the kitchen.

Ms. Choi was pouring a glass of water when she walked in.

"What do you think of our group, Seon Mi?" Ms. Choi has learned to value her input and perceptions.

"I think we have a good group. Theyr'e all carrying heavy emotional baggage, unsuprisingly. I'm not sure about Dae Suk. But I think if he commits to come to the session, he will pair up well with Mr. and Mrs. Gim."

"I agree. He is a young man who is still running away from his grief. I do think Mr. and Mrs. Gim are more a challenge. Communication needs to take place for that couple before healing can happen."

MS. Choi turned to her, taking a sip of water, "what do you think of Ha Jun? I saw you both talking."

"He's headed to an emotional break, isn't he? This severe insomnia he's going through is similar to a case we had before."

"Yes. He seems willing to talk to you. Why don't you pair up with him? He won't mesh with Ms. Sung, and I think Mr. Do's personality would be a better fit with that family."

"Very well. You seem to be familiar with him already, Ms. Choi?" 

"Dr. Kim's referral," was all she said, but earned a quick "Ah" response from Seon Mi.

"Go on ahead, dear, I'll lock up. I still have paper work to do. Unless you still have things to finish, then I can drop you off later."

"No, don't worry, Ms. Choi. I'm all done. I can type up the reports at home." She looked at the clock, "I can catch the bus that's coming in 15 minutes."

"Very well, be safe going home, Seon Mi."

.

.

Seon Mi pushed her glasses up her nose and pulled her laptop towards her. Next to her was a cup of ramyun, all eaten. She reread the typed up report she did on the group from today's session, checking for grammar, inconsistencies and any other missing information. Her own subjective input she placed on a separate sheet. Satisfied with her report, she emailed it to Dr. Choi. She groaned a bit, stretching, and tried to shift her legs. Romie cat had come the minute she sat on the floor crosslegged, made himself at home on her lap and promptly fell fast asleep. His occasional snoring is cute and she scratched his head gently, which he rewarded her with a rumbling purr. 

Seon Mi thought of the evening's events. And propelled by curiosity, she went on to search for additional info on Ha Jun and found more than she expected.

He is an artist, fairly well known, in fact; his works have been exhibited in multiple places already. She saw his past paintings and drawings, mostly still lifes and sceneries, with few occasional portraits thrown in. His showcased work is beautiful, his mastery of colors impeccable, for they draw the eyes and held them in. His photographs were also prominently placed on most of the artists network sites. She found multiple photos of him on various gallery showcases dressed either formally or casually, and her eyes noted how well he looked with eyes alight, a ready smile on his face.

She kept reading, fascinated by his accomplishments, his talent, his artwork. She found out he has no other sibling except for his twin. He grew up in the city, though he had also travelled and lived overseas for his art. And aside from paintings and drawings, he is also a sculptor; often rendering his portraits and still life on clay before drawing them in charcoals, although he had not showcased much of these clay pieces. Pretty soon, she found articles related to the tragedy he's experienced. Tears pooled in her eyes, and she felt like a voyeur for delving into his personal life without his leave.

He had a twin brother. The picture of him caught her unawares, looking exactly like Ha Jun, an identical twin. Whereas Ha Jun's talents are rooted in the arts, his twin Ha Jae was a musician who taught music at the university. He was a well-liked professor; his good looks made him popular with the female staff and students, and his beautiful voice made him quite sought after in many university festivals and musicals. He was loved by many, as further articles on him showed posthumously. He looked like his whole life was ahead of him, until that one fateful summer eve when he rode his bicycle home. Two cars collided at a red light, clipping him hard as he was crossing the meridian. There were so many unfortunate pictures taken of the accident showing him sprawled lifeless, his bicycle upended on the corner while strewn about him were the torn bags of spilled dirt. 

Seon Mi read afterwards these were not dirt, but rather clay. Ha Jae was bringing clay for his brother for his sculptures.

.